interfering father in law

padohaodha

Looking for advice here.my father in law means well.but is impossible.im building a house in three years time and my he is sticking his nose in everywhere.he told me yesterday that he was concreting a large piece of ground at back of my current house and constructing a fence as well.all without clearing it with me.i feel that my house is not my house anymore.he is not a bad man but this is the latest in a long line.I've owned my current house for eight years,married for two years and he constantly ignores the fact that im the owner.dont want to cause war or insult him or my wife.

Tilly

Ask your wife to have a word with him, it's her Dad.

padohaodha

Tilly wrote: »

Ask your wife to have a word with him, it's her Dad.

I've tried that.even my mother in law agrees with me. Came home one day and a wardrobe fitted in our bedroom.dug up all my flowers to plant shrubs even though i enjoy being outside.now im not a wimp but I've seen him fall out with a daughter in law over the same thing.he's the only reason myself and my wife have heated words about..i own a farm he's from the city yet im waiting for him to start telling me im farming wrong.just fed up of him interfering.he would be more than welcome to come and have a cup of tea but its constant 'advice'

LegacyUser

Is there some reason you wouldn't just say "thanks for the help and advice, but I have my own plans"? No good complainaning about him to anyone else if you haven't just had a chat with him about his interference.

Tokyo

Sounds like he's always been the decision maker and doesn't know how to step back from callign the shots on things, even when it comes to your property.

You're an adult - you've tried all of the subtle approaches without success - now the time has come to take him aside and tell him straight that he can't just dig up your plants/concrete your yard/build fences without discussing it with you first. If he doesn't like it, well... would you prefer to live your life under his thumb?

GarIT

Tell the wife that he has to stop interfering with your property or stop visiting. She can go to his house if she wants to visit.

You should start undoing anything he has done, go and dig up his shrubs and replant your flowers.

GarIT

GarIT wrote: »

Tell the wife that he has to stop interfering with your property or stop visiting. She can go to his house if she wants to visit.

You should start undoing anything he has done, go and dig up his shrubs and replant your flowers.

I agree with this particularly the second part. Undo his work and go back to normal. May take a couple iterations but they're your flowers.

LegacyUser

GarIT wrote: »

Tell the wife that he has to stop interfering with your property or stop visiting. She can go to his house if she wants to visit.

You should start undoing anything he has done, go and dig up his shrubs and replant your flowers.

When I posted my suggestion, I had an instinctive thought that I'd be livid and those things, but I let it go because it wouldn't be helpful. It might stop this behaviour, but at the expense of the relationship with the FIL and probably other relationships as the impact widens. No good winning a battle and losing the war.

I hadn't thought when I first posted, but I've been here before and I know what I did worked; offer him a job, something time consuming to keep him out of your hair while you work on other jobs without interference. Identify something he can actually help you with, tell him you'd appreciate his input and you can take care of the other things. He may be interfering now, but no reason not to see him as an asset and end up with a captive workforce and a happier family. My previous FILs were a brickie and a painter and decorator. They were good too. After every dip in the trade, I had a house like the Taj Mahal, a happier FIL and a happier missus. The MILs were happier too as I was keeping them out of their hair.

padohaodha

Sound advice folks.especially the idea of cornering him off into a project that will keep him busy.I've tried all the subtle stuff but need to stop it now or ill go ape someday.thanks a million folks i thought i was going to sound like a right muppet but sound sound advice.think ill get him to build a shed for me...in the next parish!

Buona Fortuna

padohaodha wrote: »

Sound advice folks.especially the idea of cornering him off into a project that will keep him busy.I've tried all the subtle stuff but need to stop it now or ill go ape someday.thanks a million folks i thought i was going to sound like a right muppet but sound sound advice.think ill get him to build a shed for me...in the next parish!

Hi padahoadha - I could have writtten your post 5/6 years ago. No magic bullet I'm afraid. A mixture of rows and a sort of passive aggressive stare I have that says GTFO.

Ah sure we're grand now - but its a long road.

Wish you all the best bro

December2012

You said your wife won't talk to him - does she agree with what he's doing? Could she be asking him to do it?

LegacyUser

Does not have a job or Is he retired? It sounds like he has nothing to do elsewhere and comes around to your place to keep himself busy.

padohaodha

Yeah he's retired.look i dont want to sound ungrateful cos id be lying if i said he's not good with his hands.its just i feel he's got the whole new house designed in his head.look ill just give him one big project and hope that'll wear him out.he was self employed all his life so he cant work with anyone it has to be his way.anyway thanks folks i just needed to vent.

Littlekittylou

Just be firm put your foot down.

Shrap

padohaodha wrote: »

look ill just give him one big project and hope that'll wear him out.he was self employed all his life so he cant work with anyone it has to be his way.

My Dad is the very same. Annoyed the head off me any time if he was visiting and I had anything started here, he'd stand about saying "Ooh, I'd have done that differently" and proceed to finish it his way. I'd get no more look in or say in it at all.

These days, I line up jobs for him to do. In fact, I panic slightly if I don't have a big enough task for him (fitting new radiators/re wiring the tractor are notable recent examples). That's why I quoted you above - you're going to need to keep giving him jobs, and make one up if you can't think of one! The man needs to feel necessary. He's a DIY expert and good at what he does, but he's probably finished his own house twice over at this stage. My Dad has, yet again....

December2012

But can you not just say it to him? In a kind way?

Neyite

I know someone with a similar dad who are building at the moment. They gave him a stone wall to build, a very long one. :P It's keeping him out of mischief! By the time he finishes, they'll be picking the furniture.

I know another person who was sick of the ornamental crap and knick-knacks that her mother would land up with, so made out that her husband is just very fussy about his house. He isn't, its her that is particular, but knew that mammies think they know their kids inside out and therefore their tastes too. It worked, the mother never buys them anything for the house now.

But I do think that someone needs to talk to him - maybe if your wife wont ask him to stop, would she even ask him to ask you before he starts anything - just for the sake of manners? If she wont, then I do think you'll need to nicely but firmly tell him his efforts are unwanted and unwelcome.