sample of book idea - could it have life ?

lurker2000

Hi, I wrote this for a beginners writing fiction class last year- we were asked to write 500 words on three things that interest us - I chose, family, mystery and crime.


.....'The day that changed everything had progressed as mundanely as any other in the life of a busy housewife. The rain hammered down on the windscreen as she waited in the car outside Jack’s school. Fergal as usual was angling to go into McKeever’s shop for his weekly treat; it was his compensation for waiting for his elder brother whose school day was an hour longer than his. Anna put the window wipers on low and turned the radio up; they were playing one of her favourites. It had stayed in the charts for 16 weeks back in the day when being number one counted. She laughed to herself, even talking about the ‘charts’ was enough to send the boys into hoots of laughter about her old fashioned terminology. ‘Mom, can I have a euro pleeeese’? Fergal whined from the back seat.

Opening her purse she spied a lone tenner, she was loath to give it to Mr Butter Fingers, he was sure to drop it before he reached the counter. ‘Sorry love but I’m all out’ she said and she saw his disappointed face in the rear view mirror. She relented then and bent down to pull the passenger seat back in case a lost Euro had lodged there. That’s when she saw it, glinting in the light of a stray sun beam that had managed to escape from the big black cloud that hovered overhead. She felt the bile rising from her stomach, she knew instantly what it was and what it meant; her life would never be the same again.

It was a solitary ear-ring, one of a pair that belonged to Sarah Kennedy; she remembered seeing her wearing them at the New Years Eve Party two weeks earlier in Joyce’s Pub. ‘Cheap and showy, just like her’ she’s thought maliciously as she eyed Sarah up and down. She was all push up bra’s, short skirts and tangerine tan, the quintessential mutton dressed as lamb. ‘God, would you look at the state of her’ she said nudging Barry. ‘Jaysus, you never know what you’d catch off that one’ he said and the two of them sniggered in joyful conspiracy.

‘Mom, I found two euro, can I use that’? Fergal’s pleas broke through her thoughts. She nodded mechanically; he didn’t wait for a verbal confirmation, he seemed glad to get away before the lecture on healthy eating choices kicked in. Her hand shook as she dislodged it from the carpet, her mind rerunning the events of New Year’s Eve. She’d been having a great time with the girls and it was only at ten to twelve that she started looking around for Barry. Making one circuit of the room she spotted him coming in through the front door looking flustered. ‘Where were you?’ she asked exasperated. ‘Sorry love, I went out for a fag and Billy collared me, the usual yak about Kevin being dropped from the panel. I spent ages trying to get away from him, come on, I think I hear the countdown’ and they rushed back to toast the New Year.

The following day the town had awoken to the news that Sarah Kennedy’s bloodied corpse had been found in a ditch at the side of the road not far from Joyce’s pub. The police investigation was on-going. Anna sat immobile, she was totally oblivious to the squeaking of the window wipers on the now bone dry windscreen. The rain had stopped; it was the calm before the storm'......

I have worked out a loose a semi plot since I wrote this which puts this story in about 1991 (even though I mention a euro in this version) - This would be the opening paragraph and then the story would jump to the present. Through the eyes of one of the children who is now an adult, we would learn about the arrest of his father and the subsequent disintegration of his family unit back then. But then something crops up unexpectedly which leads him to believe that all was not as it seemed and perhaps the wrong person was convicted - he would then go on to revisit the details of this incident with the help of the victims daughter, now also an adult and the two of them would try solve the 'who really dunnit' mystery - Does anyone think the style of writing is readable or just too amateurish ....??

Judgement Day

I liked it and you should definitely give it a lash and see where it leads.

echo beach

The plot is really strong and you should definitely keep at it.
You have recognised yourself that the style needs a little work. If you google Elmore Leonard's rules for writers he says using adverbs is a mortal sin and never open a book with weather. You don't have to follow any particular rules but they give you an idea where there may be weaknesses. Only by writing will you find your own style.

lurker2000

Thank you both for taking the time to read it - I had actually heard about the 'weather' opening before, I guess it might be ok for a short piece but if I did take it further, I will def. revise that bit ! The inspiration was received as I sat at traffic lights in the pouring rain one day, the window wipers were going at full tilt - so it was a very personal reason why it was there..... But its good advice and I appreciate it.

Thanks !

Hildred

I enjoyed it. Follow your Muse ... write your story. Good luck.
P.S. I'd love to read the finished product if you'd care to share it here for feedback, etc.