Should I just move on or keep trying?

LegacyUser

I met my boyfriend Just over a year ago at a Nathan Carter concert and we got on so well right from the moment our eyes met. It was like we already knew each other. I felt so comfortable with him and he said he felt the same. Our first few months of dating were magical, I never felt so loved or special before. He pulled out all the stops to woo me and sure enough, I was in love with him before too long and we started going out officially. Everything was going great, I had met all his friends and family and even neighbours (who had all heard of me) and I got on well with everybody; Then about 6 months into our relationship, his dad got the devastating news that he had cancer and he had only afew weeks or months to live. Naturally my boyfriend’s world was completely turned upside down and I did my best to comfort him and his family throughout his dads illness and indeed during the funeral which unfortunately was to follow. I supported him every step of the way and continue to do so. I did everything possible to help out and show my support and to make life a little bit easier for them all and why wouldn’t I.
He told me that he was so glad that I had gotten the chance to meet his dad to whom he was very close with and that his dad loved me and told him to “mind her”, before he passed away. Things have been very tough on my boyfriend and on his family since as they come to terms of losing the pillar of the household and now they worry about their mother who lives alone, running the farm and is so lonely without her husband. The one thing she said was that her husband was sorry that he would never get to see his son marrying me. He would have loved to be at our wedding!? She also gave him his grandmother’s engagement ring and said, “you might need this someday”, I don’t know what my boyfriend thought, but I was a bit shocked by this but I took it as a nice compliment and said no more.
I honestly never felt more in love with someone or as close to someone as I felt we had become over the few weeks his dad was ill. I even told him that I found that my feelings had changed, that the love I feel for him, is different to that I felt for anyone else...and to my pleasant surprise, he said he felt the exact same!! So even though there was such sadness and tears all around us , right then, there was a moment of happiness and a ray of brightness about our happy future that seemed certain we would end up together. Even before his dad’s illness, he would often say things like “I’m going to marry you”, “I’m keeping you forever”, “I want you to be my wife”.. etc even in front of his friends!! And sent me a text saying he loved me forever with a little emoticon of a diamond ring.. but one night during the time his dad was sick, his sister had a word in his ear asking him what the story was between us, did he love me & was he in love with me.. he said it was like an interrogation with all the questions she was asking him! He has had so many women before and was in long term relationships before and ended them. So I guess she just wanted to know if he saw me as a keeper or not. Her marriage is breaking down and she is so miserable but doesn’t seem to be doing anything to save it, it’s like she was given up. That night she had a good talking to him about marriage and the future and she also had words separately with me, sometime after.. basically telling me that I need to be sure he’s the one I want and not to end up miserable and lonely like her. Since she had words with him, he never says things like “I’m keeping you forever” anymore and seems more guarded and careful about what he says now.
Shortly after his dad’s passing, his family decided we all needed to get away for a week somewhere, just to get a break from reality for awhile. As it happened, it was our first holiday together and I was so excited! It was all going great and It seemed to be exactly what he & his family needed. However, one night the two of us went out for dinner and drinks and we were having fun at a bar until he spotted one of the bar maids and went over to chat her up. He completely turned his back to me and leaned in over the bar towards her so much, their faces were almost touching. It was like I was never there. It looked like he was desperate to kiss her and his body language just cut me out of the picture altogether. He was engrossed in conversation with her for 10-15 mins before he once turned around to see if I was ok. I was so hurt, but decided not to bother saying anything but to just forget about it as we were on holiday and I didn’t want to ruin it for him or anyone else.
Another day, his mam was joking saying things like “are ye going looking at rings?” etc.. and I just took it in good spirits and laughed along, not making a deal of it or mentioning anything at all about it. But then his little niece came up to me and asked one day, when you & my uncle get married, can I be your flower girl? I laughed and jokingly said “we’ll see what happens” and that was it, no more was said. But she must have been chatting to him again about it when he took her for ice cream one day because she came back to me and said “my uncle said he mightn’t want to marry you”.. he immediately protested that he never said that, but his niece insisted that he did. I know it’s early days etc.. but it was a nice feeling to think someone liked me enough to even consider marriage to me someday.. so when I heard that, it was like getting a thump in the chest. But I never mentioned a thing, I just played it off as if it was never said and everything was fine. But I was hurting so much inside and was fighting to hide it. I realised then that I loved this guy more than I thought, and that I must have actually really started to believe we would be married someday and that my life was finally starting to go to plan and was going somewhere that i could get excited about.
But now everything just seems to be falling apart. He gets upset with me for the silliest of things and gives out to me about it until I end up in tears and feel like the worst person in the world. Lately I have been looking back at our old text messages and thinking about things and I’ve noticed that:
o Doesn’t send any cute “i love you” texts anymore
o Doesn’t acknowledge or respond to the ones I send him
o Flirts with other women on social media and in person (he told me he’d never cheat, but that he would still flirt, even though he knows I don’t like it)
o Keeps in contact with every ex and every girl he has ever kissed
o Doesn’t post anything or mention me in any pictures or comments on social network site. It’s like he wants to give the impression he’s still single.
o Recently registered on a dating site (for work purposes apparently)
o Made me promise that if i ever wanted to cheat, to break up with him first & he promised he’d do the same
o Often mentions how stunning or good looking other women are (I have to ask if I look ok & when i do all i get is “ya, you look nice”..I keep myself immaculate and even when I get a new dress or change my hair, it’s not noticed)
o He recently changed his password to his phone which he keeps on silent when I’m around and only answers texts & snapchats away from me. The way he acts with his phone, I think he’d have a heart attack if I asked could I use it.

I did ask him before if things were ok between us and if he was happy with me and he said he was and why wouldn’t he be, he was the luckiest man alive.. etc. But then he asked me to tell him what was on my mind & even though I didn’t want to say it, I just had to.. I asked him if there was anyone else he was texting or interested in or was there any girls texting him things they shouldn’t be? ....He flipped out! He got so mad and upset, and was like “I can’t believe you think that of me”, “there’s no one else”, “ I’m not texting anybody!”.. He got so annoyed and so upset that I was sorry I said anything and just apologised and told him to forget the whole thing. But Somewhere deep down, I can’t help having doubts.
We are going on a ski holiday soon, his absolute favourite thing to do & It’s my first time ever going skiing, so I am really excited and sent him a cute little message saying how I couldn’t wait to go skiing with him...To which he never acknowledged. Even when I text asking him if he needs anything from the shop, he sees it but doesn’t answer me. It seems like whenever he gets a text or message or snapchat from anyone else, he answers it straight away. So why does he ignore mine?
His group of friends met up with a group of girls from London when skiing last year (I couldn’t get the time off work to go last year) and only the other day he found a girl from that group and became friends on a social network site. I just find it weird that he only went back to look up her up now & for what? If some guy I met about a year ago looked me up like that, I’d assume it was because he wanted to meet up again, maybe even get together? I am probably over reacting on this one, but I just don’t have a good feeling about it. Just last night during a heart to heart conversation, I asked him to tell me if there was something on his mind or if he was bored with me to just tell me and we’ll work it out.. but he said there’s no one else he was texting etc.. and that he would open up more about his grief & the things he’s worrying about anymore.
I see girls names coming up on his phone that I don’t recognise and he never says anything about them & I’m afraid to question in case I drive him away altogether with my suspicions.
He tells me all the time that he loves me and that he can’t believe how lucky he is to have met me and that he loves my family. He always rings me each night before he goes to sleep and he cuddles me and holds my hand all the time when we are together. He takes me out with him & his friends all the time and All his family, his friends and even their girlfriends like me and have commented that I’m the nicest and prettiest girl he has ever been with and they don’t know how he managed to get a girl like me. So I would have thought that comments like that were a good thing, but it seems like it just feeds his ego and he doesn’t think me as being more special.
I am so thoughtful and considerate of him and always show how much I love him and how special he is to me by doing little romantic things, treating him, spoiling him etc.. even though he never treats or spoils me . I’m probably one of the most thoughtful people you could meet, I’m a carer & giver, I don’t expect anything in return, but I do need to feel that I’m appreciated , which rarely happens. I’ve said it to him a few times that he doesn’t appreciate me, he protests he does, but he never show s it. It’s all take, take, take.
Sometimes he asks me why I spoil him and I tell him it’s because I love him so much, which I do. I love him with all my heart and I think I keep on giving and spoiling in the hope that maybe he will spoil me sometime or even just to say thanks , which would be nice. A few weeks ago we had a stupid row because I was out on a hen party, I had too many drinks and at the end of the night I just collapsed into my bed and completely forgot to text or ring my boyfriend to say good night. The first time ever I did something wrong!!! He was absolutely furious with me and gave out to me for a solid 20 mins. After that he went on about me leaving the taps dripping, about me being 5 mins late for dinner (the roads were bad and I had rung to say I’d be late).. all these little things that really don’t deserve to be as big an issue as he was making them out to be. So I got upset in the end,I was so hurt that after all the good things I do for him, the only things he mentions are the stupid little mistakes I made.. so I told him that I wasn’t happy like I used to be, that my feelings were starting to change and that if he needed to cop on and start treating me better because I wasn’t putting up with anymore of his silly nit picking over stupid things. He just broke down and said he was sorry for being so grumpy lately and that he’d understand if I wanted to leave, but that he was just missing his dad so much..so again, I felt like the biggest b*t*h alive and just gave him a huge cuddle and told him everything would be alright...
I’m just so confused they way things are between us at the moment. I don’t think he feels the same about me anymore. I am not sure if I should just walk away or keep trying. I am fully aware that he is still grieving his dad and I support him every day in any way that I can and I think he’s grateful for that, but there must be something I’m not doing right or giving him, when he needs to be flirting with other girls and making me feel like I’m no longer someone he may want to marry, but that I’m just an option until someone better comes along. He has thanked everyone for their help and support during his dad’s illness but he has never thanked me.. even now as I continue to help out and pull my weight as though I was a family member myself, I still don’t get a thank you for that..nothing. It’s like I don’t matter. I just feel so empty and broken. I’m giving my all to someone who I am beginning to believe doesn’t see me as anything special at all, or ever will and it hurts so much.

I don’t know what to do. Am I just wasting my time or am I being selfish to be thinking of myself when he’s in so much pain?

Sometimes he asks me why I spoil him and I tell him it’s because I love him so much, which I do. I love him with all my heart and I think I keep on giving and spoiling in the hope that maybe he will spoil me sometime or even just to say thanks , which would be nice.

OP, you can't persuade someone to change or to love you just by being nicer and nicer to them.
Especially if that person feels it's appropriate to scold you for 20 mins for not texting good night. It's clear it wasn't about you and he was taking his bad mood out on you and you reacted rightly imo telling him to take a leap.
It's not about you, it's about him. There's nothing you can do or say to make him suddenly wake up and realise he's not treating you properly and that he shouldn't flirt. And you know, why should there be something? - he should do it because he loves you too, not because you said or spoiled him just so.
You can't give up yourself and your life to someone who treats you badly in the hope they'll suddenly stop, they won't.

You've tried saying it outright too, and nothing changes. It doesn't because he doesn't want it to.
you said "he's in so much pain"- but he's chatting up barmaids in front of you. Does that sound like someone in pain? It sounds like he disrespects you and takes you for granted.
I think your reaction was right: you've had enough and it's time to let him go to his barmaids and flirting girls.


edit: I didn't see about him registering on the dating site. I'll reiterate - he is taking you for granted, disrespecting you immensely, and no amount of love and spoiling on your part is or ever could make him change, because that's just how he is. He's using his bereavement to manipulate you and you need to move on from him.

Tokyo

That's quite the amount of text to get through OP, but the things that stick out most for me in all of that are:

• Flirts with other women on social media and in person (he told me he’d never cheat, but that he would still flirt, even though he knows I don’t like it)
• Recently registered on a dating site (for work purposes apparently)
• He recently changed his password to his phone which he keeps on silent when I’m around and only answers texts & snapchats away from me. The way he acts with his phone, I think he’d have a heart attack if I asked could I use it.

And any time you raise a question, the following scenario transpires:

I told him that I wasn’t happy like I used to be, that my feelings were starting to change and that if he needed to cop on and start treating me better because I wasn’t putting up with anymore of his silly nit picking over stupid things. He just broke down and said he was sorry for being so grumpy lately and that he’d understand if I wanted to leave, but that he was just missing his dad so much..so again, I felt like the biggest b*t*h alive and just gave him a huge cuddle and told him everything would be alright...

If I'm to be blunt OP, I think that your boyfriend is manipulating you, and when the questions cut too close to the bone, he uses his father's death to guilt you into shutting up and stop asking too many questions about his carry on - who needs to register on a dating site for "work purposes"?!... and I think you know this too when you say "I’m giving my all to someone who I am beginning to believe doesn’t see me as anything special at all, or ever will and it hurts so much."

I'm sorry for they guy's recent bereavement, I really am, but that doesn't come close to explaining away his behaviour. Personally I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say that you are giving your all to someone who doesn't feel the same, but the only way you'll know that for sure is to have a proper conversation with him, without letting him guilt trip you away. You have needs in this relationship too, and if he's unwilling to discuss them, let alone meet them, then there's only one solution I'm afraid....

heretochat

Sounds ominously like this guy is cheating on you OP. All signs point to it:

- registering on a dating site for work purposes - what work could possibly involve that??
- phone on silent around you and password protected - very dodgy

And as others have said, when you bite too close to the bone he deflects and puts you in the wrong.

I will never downplay a bereavement, having gone though one myself not too long ago. However, he seems to be using it as a vehicle to manipulate you in my opinion

piperh

I don't think you are being treated fairly or his behaviour is acceptable.

However playing a bit of devils advocate here but he may not be cheating but pushing the boundaries of your relationship and feelings to see how far he can go. This could be either intentionally or unintentionally a bit like a child looking for boundaries and discipline.

It is not uncommon to push those we are closest to us away in times of grief, it's almost a case of well dad/mam/sister/partner loved me and they still left me how do I know you won't do the same. Not rational or logical but neither is grief.

What I would suggest is sit him down and say you are not happy with the way things are going, without mentioning the other girls and suspected cheating, say you understand he is still upset but you need to know there is a future in the relationship and you will give it 2 months to improve or for your own sake you will walk away. He needs to believe you mean it so do it calmly without tears, accusations or shouting.

Good luck.

Harika

There is an old proverb that states that only drunks and children say the truth. And while he was drunk he showed you this attitude towards yourself and his niece did quite possible not pull this words out of her nose, especially as she wants to be a flower girl.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my 'essay' and for your helpful advice and opinions, so much appreciated.

I honestly didn't think I had so much to get off my chest until I looked back over how much I had wrote.

I'm deeply unhappy and need things to change. I do need to sit this man down and have a proper chat with him and make him understand that he needs to cop on to himself if he wants this relationship to work and to stop flirting with 20 year olds on snapchat and facebook and the other random women he meets and get off that damn dating site..He needs to start treating me with a little more respect or watch me leave. He's in his mid 30's but thinks he's still 18.

I have to question myself to and ask why do I always fall for the ones that end up breaking my heart.. all the good guys must be taken!

I'll give him 2 months to improve and if nothing changes, then I'm done with it.

Tokyo

cailinbronach wrote: »

I'll give him 2 months to improve and if nothing changes, then I'm done with it.

It's definitely a step in the right direction, but to be honest I think you're still trying to compromise where really there should be none. You don't want to rock the boat too fast too soon, for fear he'll walk away.

This guy is -best case scenario- being extremely disrespectful to you, flirting with other women, engaging in online dating sites, and in general making you feel like crap. And that's the best thing I have to say about the guy, based on your earlier description. You say yourself that you are deeply unhappy, and honestly, as yourself what advice you would give to a friend who came to you to tell you that her boyfriend makes her deeply unhappy all the time?

Assuming that you choose to give it one last try (which I'm not overly convinced you should, to be brutally honest), this is the kind of situation where you really need to sit him down, tell him what he's doing is out of line, stop him mid sentence as soon as he drags his dad into it (he will), and tell him that this ends now, or it's over. Not in one month or two month's time.

Chucky the tree

Your lack of self-respect is pretty shocking OP. Not sure why you'd even consider giving him 2 months. He's treated you like dirt and his true opinion of you isn't going to change.

LegacyUser

cailinbronach wrote: »

He's in his mid 30's but thinks he's still 18.

I have to question myself to and ask why do I always fall for the ones that end up breaking my heart.. all the good guys must be taken!

I'll give him 2 months to improve and if nothing changes, then I'm done with it.

You really do need to have a deep chat with yourself, from your description of him I thought he was only 18 !!!! seriously OP he's being treating you like crap giving out to you when you didn't text him after a late night out yet he's on dating sites and flirting with others!
2 months to change his behavious!! I wouldn't waste another 2 minutes on him!

stop animal cruelty

I thought the guy was mid twenties! :O Honestly OP, you sound like a really nice person....you deserve soooo much better, sorry l dont have alot of advice, but don't bother wasting anymore time on this guy, if he really loved and cared for you as much as he says, you would feel it, not question it. That was a big lesson l learnt. Go with your gut feelings....you can do way better than this guy!

CollyFlower

I don't know but it may be grief that has him acting this way, as you said it all happened after his father died. Give him 2 months or more, but away from each other, (no contact) then after that break let him /you decide if you want to be together.

Matteroffact

I can't believe you would accept that he had to register on a dating site for work purposes. What does he work at ? I can't imagine any company asking an employee to register on a dating site. I would not be giving him 2 months to get off that site, I would be saying "do it now, or I am gone".

You need to stand up for yourself more and not be cow towing to his lame excuses. You are probably in your thirties too so this means you are entitled to ask where this relationship is going. If you don't get straight answers then let him go.

He will fob you off with all of this............if you let him. Show him you mean business.........don't let him. If he rants and raves when you bring all of this up then just walk off, don't listen to him. He will soon get the message that you are not a push over.

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP. I sympathise, I really do.

When I started reading my first thought were that I was hardly a ray of sunshine when my Dad died

But this is much deeper than that. The amount of disrespect this guy shows is unreal. I don't believe that your relationship is saveable. I just know you are going to try though.

How about lay it on the line followed by a 2 month break as Colly suggested?

Wish you all the best OP

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for your helpful opinions, suggestions and advice... so much appreciated. You guys are right, enough is enough. I'm only disrespecting myself by staying in this relationship.

retro:electro

Op you sound like a lovely, beautiful person, but I'm sorry this guy is making a complete fool of you. You need up stand your ground on this one, he is treating you appallingly and he is using his dads bereavement as an excuse to shut you up when you question it. The flirting with the girl at the bar while you sat there really got my back up, I feel so bad for you that you had to sit there and watch that. Walk away with your head held high op, you can't say you didn't try, you gave it your all, more than anyone else would ever give. I've no doubts that he will try and worm his way back with excuses and promises, but please do not let him use his fathers death as an excuse again. He has insulted you enough without throwing that at you also. I wish you well x