I want to call my wedding off.

LegacyUser

Please help me, I am so desperate I really need someone to talk to, but this is a long story. I went away to university as a mature student in my twenties, got a degree and decided to stay in my university town afterwards. I got a great job there, made a lot of money and bought my own house (I now work from home and make enough to have a comfortable life.) After about 4 years of this, a new girl came to town. One of my old lecturers is American and his daughter from America came over. She wanted a change of scene and her dad got her a temporary job in the university library. I met her one day and was bowled over. She was gorgeous and seemed so sweet and shy she really made my heart melt. We got serious very quickly, although we didn't sleep together. She's Christian and is waiting until marriage. I'm neither Christian nor a virgin, but I was happy to wait, to please her, as I was so crazy about her. I've never wanted kids, but she wants five, and I agreed to this because I wanted to be with her so much.

After just 6 months of knowing her, I proposed, and she accepted. Our families met and are so excited about the wedding. A date has been set (for about 6 weeks time), venue booked, dress bought, everything arranged, visa sorted, etc. The problem is, now that she has "caught" me, she has changed.

She has become extremely demanding, and the demands she's making are things that I am not happy about. Being a devout Christian virgin as you can imagine, she is very clean-living, while I like to have a bit of fun sometimes. One example is she is completely against drugs and alcohol. I don't actually drink alcohol, but every autumn during magic mushroom season, I like to go back to my home town, meet up with my childhood friends, pick some magic mushrooms and have a night of hanging out with them under the influence, watching cartoons on TV and laughing our heads off. It's just once a year, I don't use any other drugs and I really enjoy and look forward to this. But she says this has to stop. I am to be a married man and a father, and not only am I never allowed to take magic mushrooms again, I am never to contact those friends of mine again as they are "druggies" and a bad influence. I am not happy about this and I don't want to stop this annual trip.

Another example is heavy metal. It's my favourite music and I live in heavy metal t shirts and every year I go to a metal festival with my friends (the mushroom friends.) She says heavy metal is satanic. I'm not allowed to go to the metal festival any more, she wants me to change my style of dress, and she made me get rid of most of my CDs. I had to get rid of the black metal because it's "Satanic," and I had to get rid of things like Motley Crue and Def Leppard because they are "offensive to women." I was grudgingly allowed to keep the CDs of a few bands like Europe and Whitesnake because she couldn't find anything to be offended about with them. I also really like the Beatles but she made me get ride of my Beatles records because a lot of their music is about tripping on acid. Now I am stuck listening to her taste in music, old crooners from 50 years ago, just awful. I get so desperate for metal that I put some on youtube and listen to it when she's not around.

She's also pushy about my diet. I've been a vegan since I was a teenager and she doesn't like this. I am repulsed by meat but she is always trying to push me to eat it. The bible apparently warns that in later times evil spirits will tell people that they must abstain from certain foods. This makes veganism evil. I don't care if she eats meat but I am tired of constantly being nagged to eat food that I don't want to eat. She tries to emotionally blackmail me to eat it by cooking a meaty meal as a surprise and then getting offended when I refuse to eat it. She tries other tactics - nagging me that I will get ill without meat. Hello - I've been a vegan for 20 years and I am still fit and healthy! I am sick of her nagging. I would never tell her to do anything she doesn't wan to do but she won't show me the same respect.

She constantly nags me about learning to drive. I can't be bothered and I don't need to. Everything in our town is walking distance and when I go to visit my hometown I can get the train. But she says it's not manly to not drive and I need to be a driver for when our kids come.

My fiancé has never held down a job and wants to be a stay at home mum. At first I didn't have a problem with this. I can afford to support a wife, and she seemed like she was really serious about working hard at home, raising kids and looking after the house. However the more I get to know her, the more I think it's just laziness and she's just been looking for a man to support her. The more I know her, the lazier she seems. Now she's got her fiancé visa she immediately packed in her library job and now just sits around all day. The only thing she does is cook. Apart from that she lounges around in the park on warm days and sits on the sofa all day on cold days.

These are just a few example but the final straw came yesterday. As a child, I was beaten and bullied by my father. It was so bad that at one stage social services even got involved. At the age of 16 I left home so that I'd never have to see him again. She knows all this, yet she says she doesn't want to be part of a broken family, and insisted that I get back in touch with my father and invite him to the wedding. I refused. She said do it or we're through, clearly expecting me to cave in. But I walked over to the front door and said, "Well then goodbye and I will have the engagement ring back." She got in s trop, gave the ring back and left. Later she phoned me, acting all nice and making out that it has just been a little blip in our relationship and we could carry on as normal. But I am so angry and sick and bored of this that I told her I want us to "take a break."

Really, I've realised that I am not happy, and I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life and I really do not want 5 kids, or to cut my friends off, or to be mushroom and metal free for the rest of my life, or eat meat or learn to drive. I want to break things off permanently with her, but I am embarrassed and scared. The wedding is booked, my family are coming, her family have booked plane tickets from America for the wedding, I've gushed to everyone about how much I love her and she's the one, I've told immigration that we're getting married. How difficult and embarrassing to cancel now. But I must, I know I must. But how will I explain this to people? And how will I tell her it's definitely over?

Barely There

boredanddesperate wrote: »

And how will I tell her it's definitely over?

There's probably no easy way - but you really need to.
Be straight and do it quick because the longer you leave it the worse it will be.

I pretty much guarantee that if you go through with the wedding you'll be miserable the rest of your life. You're very lucky in some respects that you got a glimpse of your future before you married her.

I mean you've never had sex or lived with her! What if you're completely sexually incompatible? What is you detest each other's personal habits once the honeymoon period's worn off?

If she's a fundamental Christian she probably believes in not having sex other than for the purposes of having children - are you going to spend the rest of your life in a celibate marriage after she's had her 5 kids?

sadie06

OK, you need to take control of this situation now, ASAP. You are clearly not compatible as life partners, and you have no idea whether you are even compatible sexually. You simply cannot marry this girl.

I suggest you choose a trusted friend or sibling to say all of the above to, just to unburden yourself and get your thoughts straight. Then formulate a plan, top of the list being telling her that the wedding will not go ahead, and stating the reasons.

It would be good if you have a list of the contact details of the suppliers and the venue and take the cancellation process into hand as soon as you have informed her of your decision.


From there, you handle your family, and let her handle hers, but offer to take a phone call from her parents to explain your reasons in a non-offensive and acceptable way. Non-compatibility! Just give it to them on a plate, and push the idea that it is much better this happen now then when there are children involved.

The sooner you do this the better, for everyone's sake. It's not pretty, but it also isn't the end of the world! Do it!

AmberAmber

oh you do have alot on your mind.
My heart goes out to you. You are very clear and know your self well enough to know how to write this post to tell us what is going on in your life, so my first suggestion it that you write a letter to the girl and explain as you have here whats on your mind, your worries and how all these demanded changes are not what you expected for you and her.
You need to go talk to her, and if she chooses to listen or not no one of us will know, but she knows already things are not on track, if she handed the ring back already its on her mind. While we all try keep other people happy as such ,, there are personal needs to make sure you are happy in your self too.
You have made your decision , you need to talk to her about it.

tcif

Your fiance deserves an honest explanation, but the only thing you need to say to anyone else is that you have realized this relationship is not for you and therefore you cannot go through with the wedding. You got engaged after 6 months, which is nowhere near long enough to get to know someone, and you've realized you made a mistake. Saying that now will hurt your fiance, and discommode her family and friends who've booked their flights etc., but that is not even remotely a reason to get married if you don't want to! Plus calling it off now is only a fraction of the fallout that's waiting for both of you if you go through with a wedding you don't want and know can't last if the two of you want such disparate things. Don't even get me started on walking away now before there are children involved.....

Don't be embarrassed. Don't be scared. You're doing the right thing because having the courage to say no now will save both of you a lot more heartache down the line.

bean14

In the long term you are much better cancelling now. You will have hassle on a short term basis but long term your life will be much happier. Deep now with so many doubts I'd say you know that too. Good luck

LegacyUser

I've been where you are now and hard and all as the decision was, ending the engagement was the right thing to do. It won't be easy, but you're not the first and you won't be the last, so feel the fear and do it anyway. Ending it is, from what you have said there, the only step you can take.

The feelings of family and friends are irrelevant to that decision, afterwards the people with your best interests at heart will understand and still be there, but worry about that afterwards, not now. Good luck.

Tokyo

boredanddesperate wrote: »

And how will I tell her it's definitely over?

It comes down to three choices really:

1. Rip off the bandage now and tell her it's over
2. Prepare for 40-50 years of both of you living in misery, knowing that this is what neither of you signed up for.
3. Start saving for an expensive divorce somewhere down the line, where other complications like children may be involved.

As hard as it is, you owe it to yourself to be with someone you want to be with, and equally you owe it to her to let her to be honest with her about your feelings, and let her find someone she's more compatible with. There's no easy way of doing it, so the best way is to be honest and upfront and tell her much of what you have said here - that you feel that there are too many differences between you for you to be happy together, and that your feelings have changed and this is not what you want for either of you. There's going to be anger and upset, definitely, but better now than to have to consider options 2 and 3 further down the line....

mapaca

I don't think it's a case of "now she has 'caught' me, she's changed". I think you just got swept up in the first flush of love and excitement, got carried away, and only now you are realising that you are two very different people with different outlooks and lifestyles. It will be difficult and heart wrenching, but the very best thing you can do is to end it.

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

As hard as this situation is now I think you're actually quite lucky. You've had this realisation now before you're married and with kids. It would be ten times worse in that situation. I think you know yourself what you have to do, we only get one life so do your best to be happy in it. Forget about what other people think, in reality anyone who cares about you will respect your decision.

Neyite

What struck me OP, is that there is no compromise in your relationship. Its her way or the highway.

She is trying to fit you into her view of what she wants her husband to be, not trying to get to know you as a person, to respect your beliefs, your morals, to just respect you.

Someone close to me was jilted quite close to her wedding day. It was a shock to her, and probaby a juicy bit of gossip for the wider family, but ultimately she respected him for not going through with it once the shock died down. Within a couple of months she saw that it had been the right decision that was made and looks back knowing that marriage, had it gone ahead, was miserable.

Think of it this way - you might get a bit of short term grief, but really you are preventing the abject misery of 7 people, (you, her and those 5 planned kids) not to mention both sides of the family caught in the crossfire of a miserable, unsuited couple.

Gather your support network, and rip that bandage off.

Lux23

Sit her down and say.

I want to listen to metal music.
I don't want to give up my friends.
I want to take mushrooms once every year as I have always done.
I want to go to concerts and festivals.
I fully intend to remain a vegan.
I don't think I want five kids and I am not so sure about this marriage.

If she says she will take you back after so many concessions than I would be suspicious about how she really feels about you, is she just looking for someone to give her kids and look after her financially?

Oryx

Lux23 wrote: »

Sit her down and say.

I want to listen to metal music.
I don't want to give up my friends.
I want to take mushrooms once every year as I have always done.
I want to go to concerts and festivals.
I fully intend to remain a vegan.
I don't think I want five kids and I am not so sure about this marriage.

If she says she will take you back after so many concessions than I would be suspicious about how she really feels about you, is she just looking for someone to give her kids and look after her financially?

I would also be suspicious that she will cave in and say fine, with a view to taking control and clipping your wings properly once you are married.

MagicMarker

This person is clearly a crazy person. Do you want your children to be raised by someone with such warped views?

Run away fast.

Kathy22

OP I actually think you are very lucky, although you may not feel like that but should the wedding go ahead you would be a lot more miserable and in a much more complicated relationship. IMO marriage can never work unless both parties respect each other and clearly she has shown no respect for your life, ideas, interests etc. and it seems to me she is never likely to do this.

I feel horrible for saying this but it sounds like she has an idea in her head of what she wants out of marriage and she picked you as her baby daddy and provider to give her that life. Call it off, live with the short term consequences and move on with your life. It will all be forgotten about this time next year.

TomoBhoy

Run away very fast

LegacyUser

Op look at what you have wrote, she has no respect for you at all and she comes across as a control freak and a bully. When you go out with somebody its good to have separate interests and separate groups of friends to hang out with. With her she is trying to change you completely which is just wrong, I wonder if she is attracted to you at all or just sees you as a sperm donor and a visa ticket to live here.
Its bloody nutz with her having problems with you being a vegan!, I mean you can't force people to eat something they don't like, what if you were allergic to nuts would she force you to eat them as well?
Seriously six months is not enough to get to know somebody, I assume you are not living together which will add a whole new dimension to a relationship if you do decide to go through with the wedding.

CaraMay

Better an ex fiancée than ex wife. I agree with the above poster that you rushed into this and are now seeing each other with clear eyes. A pending marriage tends to clear the view. Walk away now for both your sakes

ABajaninCork

Cheap to marry, but bloody expensive to divorce! OP -I commend you for your bravery. So many people wouldn't do the same due to fear/shame/embarrassment.

For decency's sake, I'd call it off with her in person. I'd also offer to cancel the suppliers/caterers/venue as a gesture of goodwill. You'll probably need to do this in writing at this late stage. It will also put down a marker to your fiancée that it's definitely over - it's a wrap! But you need to do it NOW. Next week won't do as people will have already started preparing to travel and you'll need to let the overseas guests know the position ASAP. I wouldn't tell them all the gory details, but just let people know the wedding's cancelled, and apologies for the inconvenience.

But maybe you could write a letter to her parents explaining yourself when the water's settled?

miamee

Kathy22 wrote: »

OP I actually think you are very lucky, although you may not feel like that but should the wedding go ahead you would be a lot more miserable and in a much more complicated relationship. IMO marriage can never work unless both parties respect each other and clearly she has shown no respect for your life, ideas, interests etc. and it seems to me she is never likely to do this.

I feel horrible for saying this but it sounds like she has an idea in her head of what she wants out of marriage and she picked you as her baby daddy and provider to give her that life. Call it off, live with the short term consequences and move on with your life. It will all be forgotten about this time next year.

Op, I thought the same as the bolded bit when I read your post. She found in you someone she thought she could mould into the husband/partner that she actually wants. That person is not really you as you are. You are very lucky to realise this now before you go ahead, as others have pointed out it would be a miserable marriage with you expected to conform to her beliefs and wishes but not vice versa. And I'm sure that a divorce would be messy if not impossible given her religious beliefs.

LegacyUser

Well, I read the replies and what really stuck out for me was that everyone agrees I should end it. I thought I'd get people saying things like "You two love each other, you can work it out, just compromise," but everyone can see that this is not workable. Although terrified of people's reactions and the embarrassment, I actually feel really good about breaking up with her, really excited about being free to do what I want again.

Well, she is staying with her father just down the road from me, so just now I went down and asked her to come and talk at my house. I told her everything outright - I don't want kids, I want metal and mushrooms and my friends and to be vegan etc, and that we are clearly not compatible. I said we can't possibly get married, and that we should contact immigration and let them know. I said I understand her family have wasted money on plane tickets, but she can sell the wedding dress (which I paid for) and use the money to reimburse them. I said that I would tell my family and she could tell hers. I said I would have to get a refund on the engagement ring but she can keep the other things I've given her. I said we should let immigration know at once.

Well, she had clearly come over thinking we were going to work things out but now she realised that I was genuinely breaking up with her, she really panicked and changed her tune. She basically said, "Look, ok, you can stay in touch with your friends if you promise not to take magic mushrooms again, you can be vegan if you want and I won't say any more about it, but won't you at least start eating eggs because you need the protein, if you think five kids is too many then how about just 3, you can listen to metal when I'm not at home and go to your festival, and if you really won't drive well alright since I've got a license. If you really don't want to get in touch with your father I accept that."

She obviously only accepted that because it was the thing that kickstarted me breaking up with her. I told her it's not good enough. I will take magic mushrooms again, I won't eat eggs, I don't want any kids and I will listen to whatever I want, whenever I want. I said, "I do not need your permission to see my friends, listen to music, follow a diet or take mushrooms."

She said, "Alright. I won't say anything about your friends, diet, music or anything, but we love each other and the wedding's arranged, let's just get married and after we've had our first child we can see how easy or difficult it is before we decide how many more to have."

I said, "No! I don't want ANY kids, and I don't want to live with someone who's seething with resentment because I'm not living the lifestyle they want me to live. Anyway for all I know you're pretending to accept it now and then when we're married you'll make my life a misery if I don't give these things up. We got carried away when we first met but now we've gotten to know each other and we are not compatible AT ALL. I am not joking, the wedding is off, I am telling my parents and immigration today."

She actually said something like, "You promised me that we would get married and have kids! I am 29 already, I can't leave it much longer. And I will have to go home in shame after telling everyone I had found the perfect husband"

I refused to budge.

By now she was really crying and panicking and rushed off home to tell her dad and asked him to intervene. He came and spoke to me and I explained everything, and to his credit he agreed that we are not compatible. He's been divorced himself and he agrees its better to call it off now. Since they live just down the road this was all over and done with surprisingly quickly. I decided to bite the bullet and make it public, so I phoned a friend who's a real loudmouth and told him, knowing that word will get round. Now I am going to call immigration and cancel the wedding things. Now that I've started, I want it all done and dusted today.

This has made me realise that I am bored here in this same town I've been in for so many years. I want to move back to my hometown and see my old friends again. I've never had as much fun anywhere else as I have there and I've realised that this is what I want - fun and freedom.

As I was typing this the phone rang. It was my fiancé's mother calling from America. My fiancé had phoned her and told her and begged her mother to changer my mind. But I explained everything and her mother agreed it's better to call it off now. Just as I put the phone down it rang again, this time it was my mother - who I hadn't even had a chance to tell yet - my fiancé had phoned her and asked her to intervene too! My mum had seemed so excited about my wedding, I thought she'd try and change my mind, but I was surprised when she told me she'd had misgivings from the start and it was better broken off now!

Anyway all of this has happened in a really fast whirlwind just now. I am off to cancel everything, and look into moving home, and feeling very relieved!

Rubberchikken

Just reading through all the replies and glad to see you've come out the other end safe.
you did the right thing and spoke with her and then her dad. it's funny but your mum has probably had misgivings all along but was unwilling to say anything.

when you fall in love next time, give it time to really get to know the girl.

good luck

CaraMay

You seem to whirlwind a lot op. Maybe wait for longer than 6 months the next time. You seem to be blaming it all on her when you had a 50% part to play in it all.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

You seem to whirlwind a lot op. Maybe wait for longer than 6 months the next time. You seem to be blaming it all on her when you had a 50% part to play in it all.

The reason I'm blaming her is because she made all of these demands only once we were engaged, acting nice and sweet before that. If she'd been honest about wanting me to change everything about myself from the start, then I wouldn't have got involved. Also she wasn't willing to make any compromises until she realised I was leaving her.

Merkin

Lucky escape. So many misguided people forge ahead for fear of the 'shame' of cancelling a wedding not taking into account it can take YEARS to extricate oneself from a toxic marriage. You've done the right thing.

ManOfMystery

The two of you sounded totally incompatible. You've done the right thing.

Glad things worked out OP