Advice Needed - How to get an ex back

s-specter-k

Hi Everyone,

Not sure if i'm in the right forum. I’m a bit new to this but in desperate need of advice on how to get my ex back. This is a long story so be prepared.

Okay so a bit of backstory to us. We dated when we were 17 for a bit, it was nothing serious and then we parted ways. We ran into each other 4 years later and start talking, got really close and eventually got together. We were inseparable, we talked about everything we did everything together, we never fought, I’m not lying when I say we were truly in love and she was my best friend.

Things were amazing for the first two years, but then she started getting close to a guy she worked with, I never thought anything of it because she always had a lot of guy friends. Back in May she started acting really weird and depressed, when I asked her what was wrong all she did was say that she was unhappy where she worked. It got to a point where every time I seen her I had to cheer her up. One day I confronted her and asked what the real reason was because it was obvious it wasn’t work. She said the guy she had been close to (let’s call him Jim) told her that he had feelings for her. She said she was too afraid to tell me, but they weren’t talking in work now.
I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to tell me and asked her did she have feelings for him, she said no. I told her she shouldn’t have lied to me but we can get past it now that I knew what was wrong. Everything was ok for another month until she start acting weird again, I asked her what was wrong she said she thinks she has feelings for him. She said she loves me but finds it hard because he’s always around in work. Again I asked her if there was anything else she wasn’t telling me, she said no and we agreed to work past it. Another few weeks later she was acting the same again, this time she finally confessed that on the day Jim confessed his feelings for her he kissed her, but she promised she pushed him away. Then she told me that a work night out she went to the week before wasn’t a night out but a party at his place. I freaked out and told her I needed space. She kept texting saying she was sorry and upset and she wanted to see me but I ignored her.

The next week I seen her, after talking I eventually found out that she cheated on me with Jim on a night out when we weren’t talking. I broke up with her. The only problem was we had a holiday booked for two days later, I wasn’t going to go but she wanted us to go and work on things. We went, and at first it was awkward, but then it turned out to be the most amazing holiday ever, we were back to being us. When we were away we agreed that she would take a bit of space for herself, as much time as she needed and then we would work on us. Jim would be starting college again so they wouldn’t see each other in work. We got home said we loved each other and promised everything would be okay.

We kept texting and everything was great, except one day I asked how she felt about meeting up. She said she had been spending time with Jim and she was confused. She said she needed space and we stopped talking. After about a week I went onto her facebook and seen all the comments and pictures they were putting up, I took it that she was dating him now. During this time she was still sending me snap chats but I never replied out of anger.

A few weeks later I decided to go on a date, and me being the luckiest person in the world ran into my ex’s sister. Obviously when my ex heard about this she text me, all she said was she hoped things weren’t awkward for me running into her sister. We started texting again but not much not more than a couple every few days.

The other day I went on her facebook and seen she was in a relationship with Jim a week now. I text her saying that I deleted her, not out of spite or anger just because I didn’t want to see stuff about them popping up. We talked and she said she was sorry but thought I had given up on us because I never responded to her snap chats and then I was on a date. She said she misses me and hasn’t been able to take down any of our pictures. She said she wants to be friends because she misses talking to me and hanging out.

I want to get her back but I don’t know how to do this, can anyone help me or at least direct me to someone who can help?

I don’t need people saying to move on or anything I get that enough from my friends.

Thanks in Advance.

runawaybishop

You should probably listen to your friends.

swiftman

You say ye got together when you were 17, 4 years break and back together at 21. I think the problem was that she wasn't with many people and when Jim made a move, she got excited and questioned what she wanted
I'm not saying it doesn't work, but relationships that start at 17, 18 or 19 I don't believe most of them work as the couple don't know what they want (or missing out on) and after a few years when things cool down in the long term relationship, they wonder what it's like to date new people etc

My advice is, if she is not sure who she wants to be with, then she doesn't love either, otherwise she would do what her heart is saying.
Sadly for you, think it might be time to move on

Tasden

Just because she misses you doesn't mean she wants you back. Shes with this other guy. Don't be a dick by trying to come between that. Let her find out for herself if its gonna work with him or not, if she realises she wants you then she'll break it off with him and she'll do the running back to you. Don't try staying friends, that's basically saying you'll be her safety net while she figures out if it will work with your man.

Don't stay in contact, let her miss you. If she decides she wants you back she'll reach out to you. If she doesn't then you can try move on without having her wreck your head.

nuckeythompson

count your lucky stars. I've been that Jim guy before.
the thing is that getting her back is not too difficult as it sounds like an emotionally weak girl but it will never last. always another Jim around the corner to take her off your hands.

ancapailldorcha

She cheated on you and is therefore not worth getting back with. Move on and count yourself lucky that you found out early what she was like.

spoonface

How about not getting her back and instead work on your own coming to terms with the situation and moving on past it without seeking to hurt her back.

As the old saw "He who seeks revenge must first dig two graves."

Wibbs

Two words; Don't try. If an ex wants you back they'll come back. If they don't they won't. Trying anything won't make a difference. Well most of the time it will by pushing them further away and confirming their original feelings on the matter. That's the general advice.

Particular advice to you? She had "left" long before you knew about it. When someone says they're "confused"? A) it's one of the oldest stories in the book and they're not actually confused. And the "space" they want is to check their options. They want in this case "Jim", but still like you, but not in that way anymore and they're trying to find a way to get out with the minimum of fuss and keep everything hunky-dory for them(hence she went on the holiday. The fact you were "us again" means jack really). The next classic is the "I wish we can still be friends" and yep she dropped that bomb on you too. Standard operating procedure really. I can read direct from the script of this stuff without having to ad lib, it's that much a given. Next? Well for a while you'll be around as a "friend", but the more it solidifies with "Jim" and she's sure of that path, the more you'll be phased out. She's in hedge her bets mode at the moment and has been for quite a while.

Oh and the reasons she gave for the split? They may have some truth to them, if they were a consistent bone of contention, but in the end of the day it more usually comes down to just not feeling the in love/lust anymore.

General advice again? Flip the script. Don't be her "friend". Detach her from your life. In a polite and nice way of course. But detach. Delete numbers ArseBook, twitter, snapchat and whatever else you kidz get up to these days. Do this today if you can. And you can. You will get a protest. The level of protest is usually based on how sure or not she is about "Jim" and how much she wants to keep the emotional overlap going. Don't buy into it. Also don't buy into any emotionals from her about you not fulfilling her need to be friends.

Accept it's over and she called it. She left, cheated with another bloke and kept two of you in the air. Do you really want to be around someone who works like that? Think about this, she was able to go with you on a couples holiday and do all the things couples do and still be confused and be doing the couple thang with Jimmy boy soon after she came home. Oh and she'll do to "Jim" what she's done to you when she losing the tingles for him(come back in 2-3 years). I'll bet the farm on that. Fast forward 10-15 years and I'll again bet you'll see this pattern in her, until she hits somewhere in her 30's and sticks with one guy.

TL;DR? Sayonara to her. Now your real work starts and that isn't to get her back, it's to get yourself back. And you will. Good luck.

My 3 cents anyway.

Holsten

Move on, in a year you won't care about her at all.

Have some self respect, look at what she has done already? Do you REALLY want to deal with that?

fits

Female here, she has treated you really badly. Trust me, you don't want her back after that.

Panthro

Oh man, you might not see this now but in a few years I can assure you you'll see that you're better off without her. Sounds like she was having big oul slices of two cakes and eating them willingly.
Listen to your friends, get out there, get dating, enjoy yourself and do not look back through rose tinted glasses.
She won't.

h2005

She's treated you like a total door mat. Move on.

SONIC2008

I had a boyfriend who behaved just like your ex. Well actually he was a lot more manipulative but I won't get into that!

Look, it really is this simple... if she wanted to be with you she would be with you! She has cheated and been dishonest. She is now with Jim and saying she misses you. Its highly likely that if you were unfortunate enough to get her back then she would be saying the same thing to Jim behind your back.

People who behave like that often have serious insecurity issues and are not ideal partners until they sort out their issues. Unfortunately you cannot change her.

I suggest you move on.

the evasion_kid

Drip drip drip that's the sound of trickle truth op,first Jim had feelings for her then she had feelings for him,then a kiss,then a relationship,while you were kept on the sidelines and you seriously want this back in your life?

Wibbs

SONIC2008 wrote: »

People who behave like that often have serious insecurity issues and are not ideal partners until they sort out their issues.

This in a big way and in my experience having a few years on most folks here, I have found that such personalities rarely change, more usually what happens is the insecurity comes out in a different way. So they might stop jumping from billy to jack or annie to jane, but whoever they end up with will see that insecurity/issue/whatever come out in a different way.

Unfortunately you cannot change her.

+1 and let's say you did manage to change her, it's also my experience that in such an event the person still leaves as you remind them of what they were.

I suggest you move on.

Sums it all up really.

s-specter-k

Thanks for your input everyone. I Guess I should probably try to move on. I did honestly want to get her back as my GF but I also more selfishly wanted to hurt Jim in the process. I may have forgot to mention that Jim was a guy I used to go to school with which is why I thought I could trust them. I know it would be wrong to try ruin whatever it is they have though.

So thanks everyone you helped open my eyes. Although i'm not completely over her I can see I deserve better in a relationship.

Saipanne

s-specter-k wrote: »

Hi Everyone,

Not sure if i'm in the right forum. I’m a bit new to this but in desperate need of advice on how to get my ex back. This is a long story so be prepared.

Okay so a bit of backstory to us. We dated when we were 17 for a bit, it was nothing serious and then we parted ways. We ran into each other 4 years later and start talking, got really close and eventually got together. We were inseparable, we talked about everything we did everything together, we never fought, I’m not lying when I say we were truly in love and she was my best friend.

Things were amazing for the first two years, but then she started getting close to a guy she worked with, I never thought anything of it because she always had a lot of guy friends. Back in May she started acting really weird and depressed, when I asked her what was wrong all she did was say that she was unhappy where she worked. It got to a point where every time I seen her I had to cheer her up. One day I confronted her and asked what the real reason was because it was obvious it wasn’t work. She said the guy she had been close to (let’s call him Jim) told her that he had feelings for her. She said she was too afraid to tell me, but they weren’t talking in work now.
I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to tell me and asked her did she have feelings for him, she said no. I told her she shouldn’t have lied to me but we can get past it now that I knew what was wrong. Everything was ok for another month until she start acting weird again, I asked her what was wrong she said she thinks she has feelings for him. She said she loves me but finds it hard because he’s always around in work. Again I asked her if there was anything else she wasn’t telling me, she said no and we agreed to work past it. Another few weeks later she was acting the same again, this time she finally confessed that on the day Jim confessed his feelings for her he kissed her, but she promised she pushed him away. Then she told me that a work night out she went to the week before wasn’t a night out but a party at his place. I freaked out and told her I needed space. She kept texting saying she was sorry and upset and she wanted to see me but I ignored her.

The next week I seen her, after talking I eventually found out that she cheated on me with Jim on a night out when we weren’t talking. I broke up with her. The only problem was we had a holiday booked for two days later, I wasn’t going to go but she wanted us to go and work on things. We went, and at first it was awkward, but then it turned out to be the most amazing holiday ever, we were back to being us. When we were away we agreed that she would take a bit of space for herself, as much time as she needed and then we would work on us. Jim would be starting college again so they wouldn’t see each other in work. We got home said we loved each other and promised everything would be okay.

We kept texting and everything was great, except one day I asked how she felt about meeting up. She said she had been spending time with Jim and she was confused. She said she needed space and we stopped talking. After about a week I went onto her facebook and seen all the comments and pictures they were putting up, I took it that she was dating him now. During this time she was still sending me snap chats but I never replied out of anger.

A few weeks later I decided to go on a date, and me being the luckiest person in the world ran into my ex’s sister. Obviously when my ex heard about this she text me, all she said was she hoped things weren’t awkward for me running into her sister. We started texting again but not much not more than a couple every few days.

The other day I went on her facebook and seen she was in a relationship with Jim a week now. I text her saying that I deleted her, not out of spite or anger just because I didn’t want to see stuff about them popping up. We talked and she said she was sorry but thought I had given up on us because I never responded to her snap chats and then I was on a date. She said she misses me and hasn’t been able to take down any of our pictures. She said she wants to be friends because she misses talking to me and hanging out.

I want to get her back but I don’t know how to do this, can anyone help me or at least direct me to someone who can help?

I don’t need people saying to move on or anything I get that enough from my friends.

Thanks in Advance.

She is a truly horrible, poisonous individual. You would do well to avoid her for the remainder of her days.

The One Doctor

To add to the consensus: Don't bother. We've all been there and it's not worth the effort.

Playboy

Cant believe that people put up with this sht. It's the same tactic used over and over again in relationships... "I'm confused, I need space, we're just friends blah blah. Your GF should have had the fckin (metaphorical) balls to say how she felt from the get go when Jim appeared on the scene. Instead she show you an incredible lack of respect by going about things in the way she did. If I had been you it would have ended the moment Jim kissed her.. you need to be able to see the writing on the wall no matter how hard it hurts. Forget her and move on with her life, she is not worth the effort.

Pawwed Rig

OP has closed his account and looks like he got the unanimous message so closing thread.