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Baby on the way

  • 18-11-2014 3:07am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    So myself and my girlfriend broke up two weeks ago. It has been a turbulent relationship with serious fights every 4 weeks or so usually resulting in a break up. In 12 months or so we have broken up about 10 times, with it usually being my GF doing the breaking up. Not that she is the one to blame for it all but it was always her breaking up with me. We're just different and only for the baby I think it would have finished much sooner. We have tried and tried and tried but its just not working, if that was it then I'd say we should cut our losses and move on, but it isn't.

    We're due a baby in February and unfortunately we aren't on good terms at all. She believes I haven't made any effort and that we should try again for the sake of the baby. While this sounds like the right thing to do, we've already done it and I feel we are better off separated. We have tried, we have both made the effort and it just isn't /didn't work

    Now my problem is getting to see my baby. I will of course pay maintenance, I will be there as much as possible for my ex and be there as much as possible for the baby but whether I'll be allowed or not is another thing. This has really gotten me down, I don't even know when I'll get to see my baby. On top of all this I have her mother and father sending me horrible messages telling me exactly what they think of me.

    I didn't make this decision on a whim, it was me that finished it this last time, I thought long and hard about it. This is what I feel is best for all involved.

    Not sure why I'm posting this here, just needed to get it out. I'll try and contact her over the coming days. I understand this must be unbelievably stressful for her so hopefully I don't make it worse. I'm kinda between a rock and a hard place, if I don't text she'll be mad because I didn't and if I do text I expect a lot of hate filled messages. I suppose I just need to take it on the chin, hope that she comes around and let's me be there for her and the baby


Comments

  • #2
    Ann84
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    1. Try to give her some space and then meet her in a few weeks when emotions have died down to talk rationally.
    2. Make if clear that the relationship is over citing all the reasons you outlined in your post.
    Talk about the baby, because that will be the only thing connecting you both in the future.
    The question to ask on every topic is 'what's best for the baby?'
    3. You need to get on the birthcert, it is important for your child, you need joint custody and guardianship, this needs to be obtained through court but if you can get to a place where you guys can put the child's welfare first, this could just be a formality. that is the biggest win...
    Try to set up an appointment with a mediator to try to talk through a shared parenting plan, there are free ones, really good free ones... Just google it but it will make life easier if ye can organise things outside court.
    Document all maintenance...
    None of this is easy, sharing a child from a failed relationship is difficult and painful and stressful. My advice is based on living experience... My daughter is 8 and it's only in the last 2-3 years that my ex and I managed to stop fighting...
    However, we haven't been in court since I gave him joint custody and guardianship when she was about 6 months... We now completely share parent, minimal contact (only about her) and can get on ok at occassions (had communion earlier this year which went well)
    No maintenance as we literally do 50/50 week on, week off...
    We still go to mediation once in a while if big decisions need to be made but we have managed ok.
    4. Be prepared to pull your weight, if you want to be a weekend dad, fine. I think my daughters relationship with her dad is as important as her relationship with me... But it meant he had to step up, he fought for it when she was younger and I'm glad he did.
    Best of luck op.
    5. Be clear that the relationship is over but you absolutely still want to be a parent, possibly do some research on shared parenting and mediation and bring them to her...
    Hope it works out for you all


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