Ex-Boyfriend kissed mutual friend

LegacyUser

I'm feeling really upset right now and was wondering whether or not I'm being unreasonable. I found out yesterday that my ex (we broke up about 6 months ago after a 6 year relationship) had snogged a mutual friend about 2 months after the breakup. We all worked together in the same place. I'm particularly hurt because I had noticed them flirting a bit and asked if he liked her and he swore blind he didn't find her attractive, and also because she pretended to be really matey with me after she'd kissed him a few times (unbenownst to me) and was prying for details about what happened with the end of our relationship.

I'm really upset and disappointed in my ex....yes I know we weren't together anymore but it feels so callous that he scored this girl who we both know, and that lots of our other mutual friends know about it. I feel like a fool. It's now even harder to go to the pub when the whole crowd from work are there. My ex thinks I'm being needy, demanding and unreasonable.

Tokyo

6 years is a long time to be together, and perhaps it was a bit tactless on her part to try and pump you for information seeing as you all are within the same circle of friends. But ultimately you aren't together anymore, and hadn't been for a couple of months when they kissed, so neither of them have done anything wrong in kissing.

At some stage your ex will become involved with someone else, and if you all move in the same circles, then more than likely it will be somebody that you know.....

lajoie

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Of course both you and your ex will move on - and perhaps the previous poster is right and it will be with mutual friends; but it sounds like this was done in quite a nasty way. For her to try become closer to you, and even asking private details about your relationship, that's just such poor form and really doesn't portray her in a positive light. It doesn't sound like she was much of a friend at all really and you'd be better off without her. Maybe he doesn't realise she was doing that?
Either way, they may not have done anything "wrong", but after a 6 year and presumably serious relationship, they don't seem to have much basic empathy. That said, I wouldn't discuss it with either of them - just try to avoid them. I don't think discussing it will solve or change anything, so focus your energy and efforts on moving forward

CaraMay

Gosh your ex is an ass?!?!? Did he use those words exactly? If so, you are well rid of him. While it's not technically wrong, she was out of order and sneaky. Are they still an item? If so, dodge them like the plague until you can handle it.

It just be very hurtful for you op. I can understand why you are upset but it will pass.

JeffKenna

CaraMay wrote: »

Gosh your ex is an ass?!?!? Did he use those words exactly? If so, you are well rid of him. While it's not technically wrong, she was out of order and sneaky. Are they still an item? If so, dodge them like the plague until you can handle it.

It just be very hurtful for you op. I can understand why you are upset but it will pass.

What words exactly did he use to make him an ass? I read the post a few times and can't find anything he did or said that could he hurtful to the OP.

Out of interest OP, who broke up with who?

CaraMay

JeffKenna wrote: »

What words exactly did he use to make him an ass? I read the post a few times and can't find anything he did or said that could he hurtful to the OP.

Out of interest OP, who broke up with who?

Needy, demanding and unreasonable??? It's perfectly reasonable to be upset if the person you were with for 6 years starts snogging your 'friend' and colleague.

JeffKenna

CaraMay wrote: »

Needy, demanding and unreasonable??? It's perfectly reasonable to be upset if the person you were with for 6 years starts snogging your 'friend' and colleague.

I personally think it is needy, demanding and unreasonable. The OP's ex is entitled to move on with his life. The fact that the girl was quizzing the OP about the relationship breakup along with the fact the OP wasn't aware of their kissing would suggest to me the OP's ex was being respectful by not throwing it in the OP's face and discussing the relationship/breakup with this new girl. Besides that I'm not sure what his meant to do...not meet someone new because an ex doesn't like it?

beks101

The OP is allowed to have feelings about someone she went out with for six years hooking up with a mutual friend/colleague of theirs relatively soon after they broke up. Especially when said 'friend' took it upon herself to subtly grill the girl about her relationship with him, presumably under the guise of friendship as opposed to for her own personal gain. That's nasty, tacky behaviour and I can imagine I'd feel more than a bit pissed and uncomfortable about the whole thing too.

The fact is though, as others have stated, he's free to do what he wants and so is she. He hasn't technically done anything wrong of course, we all know that. There are courtesies and graces about these kind of things that some of us abide by out of respect for others' feelings, but quite obviously that's kind of an unwritten thing that not everybody feels obliged to bother with. I call it being a decent person, but that's just my own personal standard.

I think if it were me, I'd be seeing it as a sign of character for both of them and distance myself accordingly.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the replies.

The friend is more of an acquaintance to me rather than a close friend and I always thought she was quite self-centered and selfish, so I'm not too bothered about her behaviour as 1) I would have half expected it and 2) she didn't really have a close relationship with me like my ex did. It's more the ex I'm really hurt by. I know that 'technically' he didn't do anything wrong, but as beks101 pointed out - I'm hurt that he has absolutely no empathy and didn't consider how horrible this would be for me. No, he technically has no obligations to me and I'm nothing to him now (as he pointed out), but we were together for 6 years! Living together for most of that time. So it hurts that he's moved on so quickly and with someone I know. I wouldn't have even considered kissing or seeing anyone from that work circle or mutual friend circle.

To be honest, I suppose it isn't entirely unexpected of him either - when we got together, he'd broken up with his ex a few months earlier (who was a stranger to me) and used to insist on bringing me to nights out where she'd be. I don't think he did it on purpose to hurt her, I think he was just oblivious to how hurtful and hard it was to her for him to bring his new gf to nights out where she and all their mutual friends would be. He felt entitled to live his life and of course he was, but he didn't seem to consider how his actions might hurt her. He went on about how crazy and unreasonable she was being, when to be honest I felt really sorry for her! And they were only together 18 months and not living together.

I think he has little self-awareness. He mentioned a few months ago about another girl from work breaking up with her bf and starting a relationship with someone else at work without considering that he'd done something very similar. He thinks he's a really nice person and that he's always right and therefore it never occurs to him that his behaviour is wrong or inappropriate. I'm constantly assessing myself and considering my behaviour but he seems to think he's great and nothing needs to change. Even after I explained why I was hurt, he apologised for any hurt cause but still didn't seem to *understand* why.

beks101

Unregistered wrote: »

To be honest, I suppose it isn't entirely unexpected of him either - when we got together, he'd broken up with his ex a few months earlier (who was a stranger to me) and used to insist on bringing me to nights out where she'd be. I don't think he did it on purpose to hurt her, I think he was just oblivious to how hurtful and hard it was to her for him to bring his new gf to nights out where she and all their mutual friends would be. He felt entitled to live his life and of course he was, but he didn't seem to consider how his actions might hurt her. He went on about how crazy and unreasonable she was being, when to be honest I felt really sorry for her! And they were only together 18 months and not living together.

Ah yeah I dated an eejit like this before too. A few weeks after we broke up because he "didn't want a relationship with anyone", he rocked up to a mutual friend's birthday with a new chick on his arm and proceeded to wear the face off her all night. And avoided me like the plague from then onwards, to the point where I ended up isolating myself from the group and losing some friends because it simply hurt too much to watch.

Now yes, anyone would be right in pointing out he was a "free man" and all that guff. But in light of the fact that the breakup was so hurtful and stressful given the amount of mutual friends in our circle, and the very 'reason' it ended (oldest cliche in the book of course and entirely untrue), ultimately it pointed to a larger incompatibility issue between us in terms of levels of self-awareness, sensitivity and compassion towards others and right down to how we conduct ourselves in social situations.

I'm no angel but I'd just not do that to someone who had/has feelings for me. Especially so soon. Cop the fcuk on like. But not everyone approaches life the same way and I'd suggest, like my situation, perhaps this too speaks to an incompatibility with this fella which would have killed the relationship at some point anyway. Try to think of it that way. That's definitely what helped me to get over that ex of mine and the perspective kicked in once I'd completely cut him out of my life and the feelings dissipated.

Sit tight and perhaps consider doing the aul social media cull, delete the guy out of your life at least until it's all a bit less raw. You don't need to be witness to this 'blossoming romance' or fling or whatever the hell it ends up being. You'll be grand missus x

meeeeh

Well he wasn't obvious about it if you found out 4 months after it happened. Her behaviour is maybe a bit sneaky. But you say she is not even really your friend so I can understand that you are upset but I don't think he is in the wrong.

Potatoeman

You are going to see your ex with other people if you want to stay friends and as you work with them its going to happen. A friend of mine has an ex that they are still friends with and they set each other up. You can see it as insensitive but how long someone should wait is subjective.

LegacyUser

Potatoeman wrote: »

You are going to see your ex with other people if you want to stay friends and as you work with them its going to happen. A friend of mine has an ex that they are still friends with and they set each other up. You can see it as insensitive but how long someone should wait is subjective.

It's not that he's with someone else, it's more the fact that it's a girl I was suspicious about due to their flirting and was told to stop being silly. He looked me in the eye when I asked him about it (when we were still together) and told me he didn't fancy her and that he found her ugly and annoying. So I feel utterly betrayed now. Not to mention she was within earshot during some of our arguments at work after hours and asked me about him...totally inappropriate and creepy. I just feel so disappointed in my ex. I feel like he's being unnecessarily cruel with the things he's doing and saying

CaraMay

He is just a selfish man. If you look back now, was he nasty during your relationship too? I would think he knows he has behaved badly, will never admit it, and us attacking you to defend his own bad manners. You are well rid. Don't let him speak to you like that again.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

He is just a selfish man. If you look back now, was he nasty during your relationship too? I would think he knows he has behaved badly, will never admit it, and us attacking you to defend his own bad manners. You are well rid. Don't let him speak to you like that again.

I think he could be, yeah. So could I be. I definitely behaved badly quite a bit of the time (not intentional), but the way he goes on now, you'd think he was 100% perfect. I think that made it harder and harder for me, as I tried to be better and tried to change, but he wasn't willing to change at all. His attitude the entire 6 years (bar the first year or two when he was head over heels) was pretty much 'I'm grand. If you don't like me, find someone else'. He was all too happy to pick at my flaws, whether it was because I didn't talk enough at one of his family gatherings or became snappy when I was hungry (low blood sugars) but couldn't cope with me pointing out any of his. His comments now say a lot about his attitude - he says 'now I can be selfish' or 'now I can think about me' as if he never did when he were together. He just didn't appreciate the many things I did for him and thought it was all one way.

Potatoeman

Unregistered wrote: »

It's not that he's with someone else, it's more the fact that it's a girl I was suspicious about due to their flirting and was told to stop being silly. He looked me in the eye when I asked him about it (when we were still together) and told me he didn't fancy her and that he found her ugly and annoying. So I feel utterly betrayed now. Not to mention she was within earshot during some of our arguments at work after hours and asked me about him...totally inappropriate and creepy. I just feel so disappointed in my ex. I feel like he's being unnecessarily cruel with the things he's doing and saying

I would get some distance from both of them but would it have been any better if he admitted to being attracted to her? That seems like it was easier to say he wasnt attracted to her than have an agruement in work with you about it.

LegacyUser

Potatoeman wrote: »

I would get some distance from both of them but would it have been any better if he admitted to being attracted to her? That seems like it was easier to say he wasnt attracted to her than have an agruement in work with you about it.

He used to tell me girls were hot all the time and I'd tell him if I thought someone was hot. I wouldn't have minded if he'd said she was pretty, but he went out of his way to tell me how annoying and immature and princessy she was and that she was probably ugly without all the make-up. I do understand your point of view though and I imagine thats how he was thinking too.

December2012

Well of course he told you that he wasn't attracted to her while you were together - that's what a boyfriend should do.

But as soon as you guys broke up he was entitled to change his opinion.

It's nothing to do with you - you are making it something to do with you. If you felt awkward or upset you can't help it, but it really is not your place to be giving out to your ex about it.

Potatoeman

Unregistered wrote: »

He used to tell me girls were hot all the time and I'd tell him if I thought someone was hot. I wouldn't have minded if he'd said she was pretty, but he went out of his way to tell me how annoying and immature and princessy she was and that she was probably ugly without all the make-up. I do understand your point of view though and I imagine thats how he was thinking too.

Did he say that about girls that he flirted with. It sounds like you caught him flirting and he was trying to deny any attraction. People do flirt with people they are not attracted to especially if they think they are interested in them and enjoy the attention.

Anyway my point was he was far more likely to deny attraction to a girl he could get and that was openly attracted to him. Well, to you anyway.

Chucky the tree

Just wondering what are the conditions you expect your ex to life by...

A) Not kissing anyone you know - have you set a time period for this? 6 months, 1 year? Forever?

LegacyUser

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Just wondering what are the conditions you expect your ex to life by...

A) Not kissing anyone you know - have you set a time period for this? 6 months, 1 year? Forever?

Maybe not a few weeks after the break-up while we were still considering getting back together, maybe not someone he was flirting with while we were together and someone who used me and pretended to be my friend while rinsing me for details? It's not the fact he was with someone else, it's more those things that hurt. He's had sex with a few other women and that doesn't really bother me. I think what bothers me most about this situation is the fact I didn't know. I was sitting there chatting to this girl about my relationship, pouring my heart out about how I missed my ex, having no idea that she had kissed him and possibly more on various occasions. I find it very underhand and sneaky.

Chucky the tree

Unregistered wrote: »

Maybe not a few weeks after the break-up while we were still considering getting back together, maybe not someone he was flirting with while we were together and someone who used me and pretended to be my friend while rinsing me for details? It's not the fact he was with someone else, it's more those things that hurt. He's had sex with a few other women and that doesn't really bother me. I think what bothers me most about this situation is the fact I didn't know. I was sitting there chatting to this girl about my relationship, pouring my heart out about how I missed my ex, having no idea that she had kissed him and possibly more on various occasions. I find it very underhand and sneaky.

You said it was two months after the break-up, not a few weeks. Obviously if he flirted with her while you's were together then chances are he liked her, hardly crazy for him to kiss a girl he likes, or against the law. So you'd rather he was open about it? Then he'd just be accused of doing it to rub your face in it. I agree that her behaviour was pretty sneaky, but he didn't do anything wrong so I'm not sure why you are angry with him. Only reason I can think of is that you never liked this girl and you're angry with your ex for kissing her because you don't like her.

GarIT

I think you may have gotten involved where it is not your place to. I'm surprised he tolerates you questioning him especially when you say your biggest problem is that you didn't know. It's not your place to know who he does the day after the breakup never mind 2 months later. Sure you might be upset but it's not something you should have confronted him about.

Barely There

I don't think your ex, or indeed your friend (that you're not really a friend with) did anything wrong at all.

He's your ex and it's really none of your business anymore.

Jaxxy

Hi OP,

I know how you feel. Years ago an ex of mine got together with a mutual friend, and I was the last to find out. I felt physically ill when I heard the news. I felt betrayed, confused and upset. But you know what? It was my problem, not theirs.

They were single so they could do what they liked. They didn't have to answer to me and I wasn't going to do myself a disservice by throwing a temper tantrum and letting the world know I was just another bitter ex. What I did do, however, was distance myself from the pair of them, as nobody needs to see that kind of thing regularly when they're hurting.

He'd moved on, so I had to move on too. You have to do the same. I know how horrible this is and how brutal you feel, but really, you have two options here. You can continue to make a big deal out of this and hound your ex with the misplaced attitude that he's done you wrong and you deserve justice, or you can straighten your back, raise that chin and give them the proverbial middle finger. It sounds like they're perfect for each other to be honest, and you shouldn't waste any more of your time or energy torturing yourself with the idea of them.

Magicmatilda

Yeah I would probably be hurt to.

But it sounds like he is a bit of an idiot and you are better off without him. I think you would be better to let it go and move on. Stop focusing on him and what he is doing and focus on you and what you are doing.

He is obviously not a "friend" so be polite and corteous in work when you need to be and leave it at that.

GarIT

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Yeah I would probably be hurt to.

But it sounds like he is a bit of an idiot and you are better off without him. I think you would be better to let it go and move on. Stop focusing on him and what he is doing and focus on you and what you are doing.

He is obviously not a "friend" so be polite and corteous in work when you need to be and leave it at that.

That's a bit harsh, somebody is hardly an idiot for kissing somebody two months out of a relationship. The OP hardly even knows the person.

IHeartShoes

GarIT wrote: »

That's a bit harsh, somebody is hardly an idiot for kissing somebody two months out of a relationship. The OP hardly even knows the person.

Of course who and when he kissed someone is no one else's business but his and whomever he is kissing. But the man could have demonstrated a little bit of respect for a relationship of 6 years. It's having a bit of consideration for someone he presumably loved at one point and maybe avoiding causing her unnecessary hurt.

He doesn't owe her anything but its called common decency and its not unreasonable for the OP to expect same.

GarIT

IHeartShoes wrote: »

The above is harsh? Of course who and when he kissed someone is no one else's business but his and whomever he is kissing. But the man could have demonstrated a little bit of respect for a relationship of 6 years. It's having a bit of consideration for someone he presumably loved at one point and maybe avoiding causing her unnecessary hurt.

He doesn't owe her anything but its called common decency and its not unreasonable for the OP to expect same.

What did he do that wasn't respectful? He didn't do anything to hurt her. She found out months later, it's not like he tried to rub it in her face.

Not kissing people you like is common decency now?

keane2097

IMO the OP has a small case for grievance for being pumped for info by the third party, no case for grievance whatsoever against her ex who has been getting laughably unjustified criticism throughout.

Two months out of a relationship is a perfectly respectable period of time to avoid hooking up with someone you like for the sake of your ex. The third party is not a friend of the OP and is in fact someone she disliked before this, so there is no issue of crossing boundaries here IMO.

If people weren't allowed to kiss people their exes were acquainted with I imagine we'd all have far less stories to tell.

OP's hurt feelings are understandable since the ex told he he didn't like the third party, but he was obviously saying that at the time for the sake of the OP's feelings, which is pretty standard behaviour.

There's really not a lot that anyone should feel guilty about in this situation tbh.

IHeartShoes

GarIT wrote: »

What did he do that wasn't respectful? He didn't do anything to hurt her. She found out months later, it's not like he tried to rub it in her face.

Not kissing people you like is common decency now?

I'm not sure if you are being deliberately obtuse but in any case, I'm not suggesting he can't kiss other people - he's an adult and can do what he likes! But they had a long relationship. He presumably knew how she would feel on finding out about the colleague given her initial suspicions about her. They all worked in the same place. She was going to find out - after a relationship of that length and all that entails, I personally think the decent and considerate thing to do would have been to have a word. Not ask permission or anything like. Simply give her the heads up so she wouldn't feel like a complete t1t after the fact i.e confiding in the colleague about personal stuff when she had a vested interest and little if any concern for the OP. He could at least have saved her that humiliation.

I'm not suggesting the guy should be lambasted - I simply think the OP deserves a little empathy here rather than 'it's none of your business, get over it'. Its a bit harsh, she's only human and I feel for her.

LegacyUser

OP here. To be honest, I don't mind people saying they think he hasn't done anything wrong, as it makes me feel less embarrassed and humiliated about what mutual friends are thinking.

I think the crux of the matter is that I feel extremely hurt that my ex has managed to move on from a six-year relationship so easily and that he seems to have absolutely no empathy or concern for how tough it's been for me. He has the upper hand as he was in a position of authority over me at work and had been there longer. I have recently left the job as I couldn't stand working with him any longer and the constant reminders of our relationship were just too much. So basically I've had to restart my life all over again, having lost my long-term partner, home, my job and most of my friends, while he's continued living his life exactly the same way he was before, only without me. This was all bad enough, without finding out that he's snogged another colleague.

I get that I don't own him and that he's free to do whatever he pleases - it just hurts so much that he doesn't seem to care about me at all in any capacity. Not only was he my boyfriend for all those years, but my best friend and the person I spent almost all my time with and now...nothing.

I suppose deep down I was also holding a flicker of hope about getting back together at some point once we'd both sorted our sh*t out. I met him in the pub the other night (along with other work friends) and there was definitely plenty of chemistry still there...I don't know what he was at, though. He told me he had some dating app and had had sex with a few women off it and then later told me that was bullsh*t and he'd only been with one, so I don't know was he trying to make me jealous or what. He was also trying to find out (in a 'subtle' way, pretending he didn't care) whether I'd been with many guys since we broke up. The last few times we met up there was definite chemistry/flirting and I got the vibe he still likes me, but perhaps I'm delusional. He rarely answers my texts and seems indifferent as to whether or not I show up at the pub with colleagues. All our work colleagues keep saying how great it is that the ex and I can still be friends and hang out together...if only they knew how much this was all eating me up inside.

meeeeh

I don't know if you will end up back with him or not. But I am absolutely positive that him kissing someone two months after break up doesn't automatically mean he moved on. He could have or she was just convenient because he was lonely. Considering she tried to get information out of you it would suggest to me that she was way more interested in possible relationship than him.

mountsky

I empathise, it sounds nasty,you will get through it though, one never realises at all how strong they really are until faced with a situation themselves.Agree with op,sounds like he's lonely or else he was just acting the bxxxocks,either way,while he may give the impression that all is well,the story may in fact be quite the opposite.He's probably hurting like mad while at the same time having the ability to put on a show

Jaxxy

OP,

Ask yourself one important question. Could you actually get back with him after all of this? From your last post, I have to admit, he sounds like a total head melt to me. He's telling you stories about girls he's hooked up with, changing the stories, pumping you for information about any conquests you might have had, flirting with you, leading you on, giving you the impression that there might be hope for you after all, and then in the same night completely scuppering those hopes.

Forget about what anyone else thinks. This includes your mutual friends and your shared circle of ex-colleagues. What is most important here is how you feel and how you think.

He up-ended your world. As you say, you lost your home, you left your job, your social circle is in upheaval. He hooked up with someone you knew. If, on the very, very small chance he suddenly decides he made a mistake and wants you back, could you honestly forget about everything that has happened and happily and blissfully continue on like all was well in your world?

I know I couldn't. This kind of interaction, six months after the break up, is not healthy for you. After that period of time you should be moving on, at least in action. You're not doing that, because you have an ex-boyfriend shaped noose around your neck.

Cut that noose. Stop texting him. You're just prolonging your pain. Limit nights out in his company. Do something for yourself and look after your OWN mental well-being.

He hurt you. We've all been there, but life isn't fair. Sometimes we want answers that we'll never get, apologies that we'll never hear. We chalk it down to experience and hopefully don't make the same mistakes again.

He doesn't sound like the kind of guy you should waste any more of your precious time on, former best friend or not. You deserve better.

LegacyUser

Jaxxy wrote: »

OP,

Ask yourself one important question. Could you actually get back with him after all of this? From your last post, I have to admit, he sounds like a total head melt to me. He's telling you stories about girls he's hooked up with, changing the stories, pumping you for information about any conquests you might have had, flirting with you, leading you on, giving you the impression that there might be hope for you after all, and then in the same night completely scuppering those hopes.

Forget about what anyone else thinks. This includes your mutual friends and your shared circle of ex-colleagues. What is most important here is how you feel and how you think.

He up-ended your world. As you say, you lost your home, you left your job, your social circle is in upheaval. He hooked up with someone you knew. If, on the very, very small chance he suddenly decides he made a mistake and wants you back, could you honestly forget about everything that has happened and happily and blissfully continue on like all was well in your world?

I know I couldn't. This kind of interaction, six months after the break up, is not healthy for you. After that period of time you should be moving on, at least in action. You're not doing that, because you have an ex-boyfriend shaped noose around your neck.

Cut that noose. Stop texting him. You're just prolonging your pain. Limit nights out in his company. Do something for yourself and look after your OWN mental well-being.

He hurt you. We've all been there, but life isn't fair. Sometimes we want answers that we'll never get, apologies that we'll never hear. We chalk it down to experience and hopefully don't make the same mistakes again.

He doesn't sound like the kind of guy you should waste any more of your precious time on, former best friend or not. You deserve better.

Hmmmm. Well, in fairness to him, he has not initiated any contact at all. He didn't tell me he'd kissed the colleague, he didn't tell me he'd had sex with someone from internet dating (this came out through a mutual friend) and telling me he'd had sex with several people from the internet dating site only happened after I'd asked him in the pub whether or not he was on it. He didn't exactly volunteer this information. As for why he lied about sleeping with loads of women, who knows? That's pretty out of character for him. He seemed embarrassed by my shock that he used internet dating, so perhaps it was a defence or something. Or maybe he's changed a lot since becoming single and hanging out with his single friends.

I popped into the pub a good few weeks ago all dressed up as I was meeting a friend afterwards for dinner and he asked was I going on a date, I said yes (joking) and I thought I saw his face fall for just a second. He has told me that I need to move on and he wants me to find someone and be happy. He has said he never wants to get back together and that he's happy now, and so am I. Yet there still seems to be something there when we meet, and it's stronger now than before. In the weeks following the breakup, we were both drained and broken (the last year was very, very tough. I was ill and doing a demanding university course and the pressure got too much for both of us...he was sick of 'looking after me') and there was nothing between us but disdain, but now we're both happier, sex drives are back, there is some sort of spark there.

Also in fairness, he didn't up-end my world on purpose. He didn't ask me to leave work or even pressure me to do it - it was my choice because I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with working with him. I've also always been welcome to attend the pub or other events with the mutual friends...it's usually me who chooses not to go to avoid the drama and pain. It's not so much that he has deliberately ruined my life, more than circumstances are greatly in his favour. He had the more senior job, he was friends with our mutual friends first, he had two mates looking for a flatmate who he was able to move in with while I had to go into a flatshare with strangers....he's been a lot more fortunate than me.

The thing is that I have tried to move on. I've been on dates, I've gone to all sorts of hobby groups and meetups. I just haven't met anyone I like who likes me back. I don't know why. Maybe I was too cocky - when we broke up, I was confident that I'd meet someone else and it just hasn't happened at all. If my ex called me now and asked me to get back with him, I probably would, if I'm honest. I try to keep busy doing my hobbies and meeting friends but I feel so lonely all the time. All my previous relationships blossomed from friendship after getting to know the guys and spending lots of time together and I'm not really ever in a situation where that happens anymore. I'm at the age where most people are married or in LTR.

It's all just so tricky and messy. Yes, I treated him badly when we were together. No doubt. I was sometimes really impatient and difficult and mean. But it definitely wasn't ALL me...

LegacyUser

So yeah...I've figured out that I do still have feelings for my ex. Pretty sure the sexual attraction is mutual but he's staying away from me as he thinks I'm a bit mental and needy (which in fairness, I am). I think being so upset about the kiss just showed that I do still like him and was hoping deep down that we might be able to get back together. I think it *may* have even been a possibility for a while...we were getting on great and he was being playful with me (ruffling my hair etc.) but I ruined it all by being overly needy and stressful. I think I got a bit excited about the possibility of a reconciliation and pushed it too far and made him feel trapped and stressed. He's right - at this point, I'm nothing to him and he has every right to text or see anyone he wants. I think playing it cool and seeing very little of him now and again would have been a good idea but I went in too strong.

I saw him for a short time today and he said the reason he broke up with me was because I was overly demanding and needy and relied on him too much and eventually that outweighed all the positives and he couldn't take it anymore. Now he's enjoying not having to worry about me and doing whatever he wants.

I can see things more clearly now...looking back, I was suffering from (undiagnosed) depression and piled way too much on him and unsurprisingly this killed the passion and romance we had at the beginning. I can't believe the mental state I was in looking back at messages and emails from this time last year. I was worrying about the stupidest, most ridiculous things like my skin or being a bit broke and lost sight of what was important - my relationship! I can't believe that this time last year I thought I had problems when I had a long-term partner, a lovely flat and a job I liked. Now I have none of that.

He has said he doesn't want a relationship but is seeing quite a few girls, going on dates, etc. I don't think he knows what he wants either. Is it worth hoping for another shot or should I just give up and cut contact?

December2012

Unregistered wrote: »

Is it worth hoping for another shot or should I just give up and cut contact?

It depends - do you think the causes of the problem are still there?

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

It depends - do you think the causes of the problem are still there?

No. I think we were in a very unhealthy pattern where he was almost in a position of 'caregiver' due to my mental health and some physical health issues. We both kind of knew this but it was pretty much impossible to break the pattern at the time. We also spent WAY too much time together, as we lived and worked together and we now do neither. I just feel that it was mainly circumstances that ruined our relationship rather than the fact we aren't compatible.