Predicament#101

LegacyUser

Ok, I'm in a predicament

This is going to be long so I suggest you make tea or something before reading.

Two weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 2 years, it was a long distance relationship, it ended primarily because she is an academic and she works round the clock and brings her work home with her and barely made any time for me towards the end and she was unwilling to compromise, her insane academic routine made her very unavailable because she kept being a complete “Yes-woman” to her supervisor in signing up to research proposals, publications that she isn’t actually obligated to take part in, like she could have focused on just her own work but she kept saying yes to other people and working with them leaving her no time to focus a little bit on our relationship including missing my recent birthday celebrations and other social occasions where it would have been nice to have my girlfriend by my side, and pretty much failing on her end to maintain some form of intimacy when we are alone in the evening time. I have other underlying reasons to why I ended it also and it got really got on top of me due to just putting it all to the back of my mind and it all boiled over and I’ll go into details later on.

I got with this girl about 6 weeks after this other girl who I met and kissed on a night out but she said she wasn't interested in seeing more of each other the day afterwards, I thought we had a lot in common as we're of the same background and she's a laugh like. I tend not to waste time wooing someone who clearly displayed she wasn't interested so we said we'd stay friends, and we sort of confide and advise each other on everyday problems and stuff we’ve been going through and still do but yet I moved on from her rejection and thinking it was the right thing to do than sitting around feeling sorry for myself and I met someone else who I stayed with for almost 2 years, we hit it off straight away, it was a long distance relationship but we did our best to make it work.

I was about a month into the relationship and we got close and had sex and everything by this point but then the girl I had shifted previously that turned me down decides to text me saying she had feelings for me and she knew it was a really terrible time to tell me as she knew I was with someone else but she just had to tell me. This has never happened me in my life as I never considered myself a ladies man and it really knocked me off my perch so to speak. I then turned her down because I figured the new girlfriend deserved it because she had a rough couple years as she was doing her masters at the time and her younger brother died through suicide about a year and a half before we met and she was just lovely and sensitive and there was so much in her I admired and I fell for her quick, I felt she deserved a chance. I was her first boyfriend in quite some time and she was my first girlfriend in a long time too, she has a lot of confidence issues, she may be an academic but she can be quite timid, so I gave her a chance.


We had fun and the first year was great but there was a lot of differences between her and I and they got progressively more serious over time, she would be from a well off family and I am from I would say a very working class background and some of our differences got us in arguments, before I broke up with her we had a very heated argument about the water charges after we passed a water charge protest on the street earlier this month, she kind of rolled her eyes and sighed at the people protesting in this really condescending manner because she has a well out her back garden and it would cost the same to keep as how much people would pay in their water charge that didn’t have a well.

So she rolled her eyes and sighed almost like she deemed them all riff raff that was the vibe I was getting, and I was fairly angry over it and I tried to make the point that a lot of these people are struggling more than her family are, they were probably made redundant, got massive wage cuts, have massive rip off celtic tiger mortgages where they are crippled with debt and are finding it hard enough to get by and keep children fed and clothed, keeping the heat on and have all their other utilities paid and they have two more taxes f**ked onto what they are already paying. She is from a background where she has this large house out in the country, huge bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, garage, utility room and a fair bit of land, very quiet, she lives at home still, her mother is a retired school teacher, brand new car out in the driveway. Where I live near a city, in a council estate that was built on a wet weekend 40 years ago, shabby enough house, one bathroom that 5 of us shared. My parents always worked and struggled to fix up the house they never have much money to their name so obviously we are against the water charge for all the obvious reasons in the media.

So we got in this row in town and I'd have started shouting at her for making me feel like some sort of a peasant for being against it and her eye rolling and sighing and her saying "Why can't they just pay for their water?" and I just said "People shouldn't have to pick and choose which bills to pay and fall behind on the rest of them, that is what a lot of them will have to do, they can't give what they don't have and they shouldn’t be chased down and bullied for it" This row went back and forth and she said "Ok we need to take a break from this and take time away from each other for an hour" I said "Fine!" and I stormed off. I realized that weekend we are too different and I had to end it with her but a lot of our differences some were big things that really would have broke the relationship and there was small things I thought I could live with and I was burying all these things because I wanted to make it work no matter what because I didn't want to be alone. But it just got too much for me in the end and I broke it off. She was devastated because she wasn’t expecting it and I lost a lot of sleep over it because she does have so many good qualities that I love but I really couldn't put up with a lot of her baggage.

Like she has depression and anxiety disorder which is a nightmare she has had it since she was a teenager and it's really hard and exhausting to comfort and make someone feel better that has it, she became really passive and closes herself off and I couldn't even be intimate with her when she's in her down moments and stuff related to her academics sets it off which happens often, she just shrugs me off when I tried to be intimate, and it's a long distance relationship so naturally I want us to enjoy what little time I'm there to see her, really made me feel pretty unloved and unappreciated after I made the very long journey to visit her.


She recently started a vegan diet, she had been a vegetarian for most of her life but she changed recently the vegetarian and later veganism made going out for a meal an absolute ordeal, because I'm a meat eater, in my house being a vegetarian or vegan is just another word for “a feckin picky eater” but I accepted it but it had its bad moments we could look at a menu of a restaurant and there is nothing that she'd eat on it, yet something I like is on it, doesn't matter, we couldn't go in there and we'd always have to find somewhere else where nothing I'd want as much is on their menu.

She doesn't like going anywhere warm and sunny for a holiday, no room for compromise in that department, apparently because heat messes with her medication, so again I'm making another sacrifice. So we went to Edinburgh two summers in a row in August. First time was pretty good I enjoyed it, then she wanted to go again the following year and not that Edinburgh is bad but I don't think it's worth going to again, I'm one for going to different places if I had the money. I only went the second time to please her, rained for most of the week. If I'm going to pay 700 euro for a trip it'd be nice to hit a beach and get a bit of warmth, not experience worse weather than home! She was talking about going again next year like straight after we came back last time and I’m like in my mind “F**k sake again?? We’re only just back now I have to kill myself saving up for an overpriced damp freezing holiday to a place I don’t f**king want to go to! I shouldn’t have to pack winter clothes for a holiday in August for Christ sake!” and I just grit my teeth and say “We’ll see” instead.


Her anxiety disorder made going out for a drink an ordeal if she came out with my friends and I, if we went into a pub with a crowd my nerves would be shot because large crowds give her panic attacks so I was always checking on her and I couldn't relax. It happened once but it was her idea to go out because her cousins were in town and she doesn't see them often, I asked "Was you sure?" because it was a Saturday night and town would be mobbed. She said "Yeah it would be grand" we went out anyway and the pub was mobbed as I thought and we were talking away in a crowded beer garden and she decides to go to the bathroom and I stayed with her cousins and I was having a good time. We weren't in the pub 45 minutes after driving the 12 miles into town, but next thing I get a call and it was her and I had to go outside where she was having a full on panic attack. She warned me before and there is nothing I could do according to her, you just have to give her space and let her ride it out, felt really helpless. So I had to get her home and she told me to go back in and join the others but I said "No I better get you home safe" while my phone buzzed away in my pocket as the girlfriends cousins have taken to me and enjoy my company and wanted me back inside, had to tell them that I had to take herself home.

She also said to me a few months into the relationship that she doesn't want children ever! And if she did she wanted to adopt children from all over the world. She said that because she is high functioning and she would be "statisically" more likely to have an autistic child because of it. Like I don't want children for a couple of years yet like I'm not done gallivanting and being young yet really but yes one day I would love my own biological kids and I found it really uncomfortable when she said that and she said it often but I just stayed silent about it because I didn't want to take a wrecking ball to the relationship and I couldn’t face being alone again so I buried that to the back of my mind with everything else. Even when I knew this is an absolute deal breaker.

At the end of it if I stayed with her I'd just be constantly stressed and sacrificing things I like/want/need for her benefit and I'd end up becoming a resentful c**t.

The girl that I met on the night out before I got with the girl I was with for 2 years. She assimlated into my friend circle during the first 6 months of my relationship, and by the start of 2014 she hooked up with a mate that I've known for nearly 20 years, we grew up together. This mate and I have had our ups and downs over the years and he's let me down and did some nasty things to me but we often made up. One thing does still stick in my mind and I didn't confront him over it and I tried to be the better man about it and let it go. But a few years ago I went out for my 22nd birthday, himself and I went out for a few drinks, we know each other like the back of our hands, he knows some of the stuff that I like to keep quiet. Anyway after the night finished my mate had (might still have) a fondness for weed so we went to this local junkies house who the mate was friends with, I didn't want to go in with him but he begged me to so I went in and hung out for a few hours till all hours of the morning, there was a few scumbags in there as well as the guy that sold my mate the weed and his own girlfriend. There were even people taking speed off the coffee table, was a horrible sight because I'm quite clean cut and not into that type of thing, but drugs are everywhere in my world there is really no avoiding it. I felt like just walking out but didn't want to get my ass kicked for being uptight and looking down my nose at all these drug dealers/takers some of the people there were quite rough.

So I hung out for a few hours and was somewhat social with everyone even if I was really uncomfortable. After a few hours it was just myself and there some gay dude asleep on the couch, my mate was upstairs in a bedroom with the guy selling him weed and your man's girlfriend and this other rough enough scumbag who threatened the gay guy who was asleep on the couch downstairs earlier in the night anyway I had to use the bathroom so I walked up the stairs quietly and I hear a conversation in the bedroom. My mate is in there talking about me and he said that we were out because we didn't mark my birthday earlier in the week. Then he goes and spills something he knew about me. I was a virgin at the time and he goes and tells these junkies that, and the 4 of them started laughing but the girl did say she is surprised because I was good looking according to her but they continued to laugh like morons. My heart sank, as it was just a complete betrayal because I always had trouble finding a girlfriend at that point in time and it affected me in a big way and he knew that and still he told them that so he could look good in front of a couple of amphetamine junkies.

The girl who he's with had feelings for me before and I feel she might still have. My mate is lieing to her about something I think she would be very interested in knowing. She is very like me in a lot of ways and she has a strong stance against cigarettes, she hates them and she made him give up because she had a relative die from lung cancer and so did I, and we all believed he gave up. Turns out he didn't, and we were hanging out a few nights ago and the second she went home, he whips out 20 Benson and lights one up and looks at me and says "Don't tell her" because he knows we do talk.

In the back of my mind I just feel like I should drop him in it and say that he's smoking and is keeping it from her then possibly if she ends it with him I'll steal her if she still has some sort of feelings for me still, I don’t want to sound cheesy but we always did have sort of a bond like and I'd go out with her if I had the chance. I'm probably sounding really bitter and petty but come on he told those f**kers something private that I would hate anyone knowing. Bit harsh but after the 2 years I’ve had sacrificing so much for my last relationship and it ended horribly it only feels right to want what I could have had now, and f**k the consequences and it's karma for this mate of mine. I’ve just been in a f**k the world type of mood the last while and I don't know if my head is on straight. Right now I'm coming to terms with that I stupidly let the other girl slip through my fingers in favour of a relationship that started out great but would end up making me extremely miserable and I am wondering what the fallout will be if I decimate their relationship for my own somewhat selfish needs.

Am I a bad person for wanting to do this? Maybe I am but I am passed the point of caring almost I'll let you decide.

Again sorry for the length of this but I just need to vent.

Penny Tration

Wow.

Honestly, OP, it's hard to know what you want advice on because that was just a huge rant.

Firstly, it sounds like your ex girlfriend has no part in your situation, so I dunno why you ranted about her at length

On to your issue. You want to tell your friend's girlfriend something that he's been lying about, all because he told people years ago that you were a virgin?? Really?? That would be beyond childish.

You sound like you're holding some major grudges against your ex and your friend. Have you ever stopped to consider your own flaws? It all sounds so self centered, they're all wrong, you're right, they've been bad to you.

I'm not sure if you want to cause issues between your friend and his girlfriend to get revenge on him, or because you want to hook up with her.

Either way, don't do it. Seriously, don't meddle in their relationship. It's nothing to do with you.

I would strongly suggest you step back and take a break from this friend. While you're at it, take time to think about why you're holding grudges so much. It's not healthy, and you're not flawless, I doubt everything is your ex and your friend's fault.

Piglet85

Your ex is your ex and you quite clearly were too different to be compatible, so you did the right thing ending it.

That only has one connection to your current dilemma. You want this girl now because your relationship has broken up. Despite the "connection" that you believe you have with her, you were quite happy to ignore it while you were with someone else. Now you're single, and you want to destroy her relationship to see if you can win her over. To be honest, this looks like you really just want an ego boost, and as Jingle_Balls said, you perhaps like the idea of getting revenge on your friend in the process.

Look, you're angry and bitter after your break up. That'll pass. Don't take it out on other people. Stay out of this girl's relationship, work on healing yourself after the split with your girlfriend, and when you're ready, you'll find someone else. If it's meant to be with you and this other girl, she'll eventually break up with this guy herself and you'll get together under better circumstances.

Gongoozler

Hmmm. I'm not sure what the story about your girlfriend/ex girlfriend had to do with anything, as it doesn't seem you're asking advice about that. Though I can't work out if you're actually broken up with her or not.

You sound very immature, and not very understanding. Quite frankly like a kid throwing his toys out of his pram. Your (ex) girlfriend sounds like she has a few issues, and I know it can be rough going, but if you can't deal with it, then you get out. You don't stick around and hold everything against her. If you don't want to go to Edinburgh, tell her that. If you're finding it awkward to head out with her, tell her you'd like some nights out by yourself. For christs sake man, you're a fcuking adult.

As for this girl that you seem to think you're destined to be with, let it go. She's with someone. It's her business if she wants to be with him. She might not take too well to you judging her current boyfriend and her friends for their drug use. You haven't said anything that makes me think she's interested in you. Leave her be.

You have your own issues to work on it seems. You need to stop expecting everyone to think the same as you, and getting so angry when they don't. Don't keep going out to restaurants / nights out with this girl (if you're still together) or anyone else if you don't want to, stop holding grudges for things you're choosing to do.

Big Bag of Chips

I wanted to make it work no matter what because I didn't want to be alone

I'll be honest and say I only skim read your post because it was far too long and mostly filled with what seemed to be irrelevant details about your ex.

Anyway, the one line that stood out for me is the above one. You don't want to be alone. That is the only reason you are thinking of trying to split up your friend and his gf. You obviously don't think much of this friend if you are happy to blatantly try to steal his gf, so I suggest you take a step back from him. You're holding this grudge from years ago. He probably doesn't even remember it. The lads he was talking to certainly don't remember or care.

You'll meet someone you like now that you are free to. But try find someone who won't bring drama with them. And getting with your friend's gf will only bring drama.

Dark Phoenix

Op I have to be honest my head hurt a bit reading that - you have a LOT of thoughts.
So in a nutshell you broke up with an ex who you now resent because if you hadnt got with her and watsed two years you could have gotten with some other chick who was interested in you.
Then you also want to rat out a 'friend' to his girlfriend in revenge for him telling someone that you were a virgin before and in the hope that his girlfriend will get with you instead?

Firstly your ex, not her fault you chose her over someone else 2 years ago so stop blaming her. Its probably a good thing you have split as she sounds incredinly high maintenance and mad as a bag of cats. Yes its unfortuinate she has issues but sometimes people thrive on the drama they create.

The girl you could have got with but didnt - forget her and stop putting her on a pedestal. She could have been a nightmare, you could have gotten together and broke up etc

The friend - cop on unless you want to lose a friend plus any friendshipo you have with his girlfriend. The people at the party - if they were off their face as you described they wont even remember you were there let alone give a damn about when you lost your virginity.

Id suggest OP to back off your ex and to leave your friend well enough alone. The detail in your post concerns me as you are dedicating far too much time to thinking in detail about things. Try finding some activities or hobbies to meet new people it will do you good. Physical activity may help to distract your mind too