Never Had a Relationship at 21

LegacyUser

I see these threads all the time here, but I still feel the need to create my own tonight.

I'm 21 next week, and I've never been in a relationship. Heck, I'm on anon here. I've never been kissed. According to my friends I have been, although I have two close friends who have had their suspicions about that.

It's not that I never fancy people. I do. Just they never like me back, or I lose interest in them after a quick while and don't ask them out (which I probably wouldn't do anyway).

I'm going to be honest. I weigh almost 200 pounds, but so far I've lost 15 so I'm on the road to somewhere. I have generalised anxiety, and that affected me badly from when I was 14 to 18. When everyone else was out experiencing their first loves, I was staying indoors because I was so anxious. I gained weight as I didn't go outside to exercise or do my dancing anymore, and I ate for comfort. I've had people say I'm pretty, but I feel like that's a sympathy thing. My face is quite fat but if it wasn't, I'd say I could be average. All in all, I'm not exactly a looker by any means.

On the other hand, I think I'm a very nice person. Some people have said I'm too nice. I'm not very funny. I'm somewhat clever and my lecturer says I could have a future in songwriting (I'm studying music).

I'm just feeling a bit down about this all. When I was 16, I dreamed of going to college and being confident, meeting cute guys at parties, just having fun and liked by people while impressing people by being smart. But I'm here now, in my second year, and I'm too anxious to go to parties. I've never been kissed and no man will look at me twice. I know life never turns out the way you planned, but c'mon.

I feel like I'm running out of time. Crazy, I know. But I want to be married by 28, maybe 30. I want to have kids when I'm in my 30s. Even if I married at 30, that would mean that I'd need to be engaged by 28 (so we could save for two years the wedding), and then I'd hope to have dated this guy for at least two years before getting engaged. That means I'd have to meet him by 26. That's five years away! Five years isn't a long time to experience all your firsts, figure out what you want in someone, and find the right person.

I'm just scared that I'll never find someone.

Rubberchikken

Hi
congratulations on getting to 21 next week. have a good birthday:)

enjoy that and the fact that you're just 21. the world is your oyster. stop worrying about having to meet someone at 28, to be married at 30, to have kids before a certain time. you can't control then. only now.

you sound like a smart, nice person. talk to guys. no pressure on yourself. relax, have a laugh, chat. if someone is your kind of guy, ask him out. what's the worse that can happen?
he says no - move on, he doesn't have a clue what a great person you are. he says yes - now there''s a guy with great taste:)

you will find someone, but for the moment just enjoy looking.

tinz18

willieverfindsomeone wrote: »

That means I'd have to meet him by 26. That's five years away! Five years isn't a long time to experience all your firsts, figure out what you want in someone, and find the right person.

I'm just scared that I'll never find someone.

Hi OP,
I'm 3 years older than you and at 21, I was in the exact same position as you- I was what I perceived as overweight and that guys had no interest in me along with anxious (A lot of my perceptions were in my head as I found out later).

Since about three months before I turned 22 to now I've had a lot of firsts. My first sexual experience, my first boyfriend (which was a long-term mess), my first and second breakup (hence the mess), my first ONS, my first FWB and my first true love boyfriend who is the first guy I've lived with. That's all in the guts of two years- there's no such thing as being restricted to time when it comes to firsts and by restricting yourself to time-frames you're just going to make your anxiety worse.

You say you suffer from anxiety- have you attended counselling for it? I say this because that's what turned my life around and made me stop trying to control things.
Old me planned that I would be in the states at this stage- whereas I'm happy out in Cork. Old me planned that I'd be working in a forensics lab- I'm doing a PhD in a total different area which I love. It goes to show that what you plan might not mean they are the things you need to be happy.

Also fair play on losing the weight and give yourself credit for the 15 pounds, it shows that you have the mindset to follow through with what you want and you should feel good about yourself for it. You might find when you get your mind to feel good about yourself that other people will pick up on it and your confidence will increase.