recently dumped,dont know what to do next...advice needed

LegacyUser

Hello boards. This is one of those forums on boards I never thought I'd have to make a post in. I'm going to leave out as many personal details as possible just in case.


So ya the title says it all really. Just a few days ago I was dumped by my girlfriend for the second time in a month,I'm afraid this one is permanent.
Its long distance,well not that long but shes on the other side of the motorway,so its not easy to get advice that suits off the standard internet search which is why I'm posting here. So to get started,I'm just started college so she's. We met almost a year and a half ago and were going out a week later. Since then I've never gone a single day without talking to her. This dumping came right out of the blue and I honestly don't know why she would do that,I don't think I did anything wrong,I like to think we were always honest with each other and talk things through and worked on any problems we did have.

The problem I have now is that I miss her a lot,like a lot,I never wanted this relationship to end ever!, but I'm worried about what will happen next. We haven't talked in almost 4 days now and it's awful,I'm refusing to send the first message despite how much I want to talk to her but I don't want to look desperate or annoy her,should I message anyway?
The other thing was she didn't give any concrete reasons as to why she broke up with new and she says she wants to be friends? I honestly don't think I could be friends with her,we've been through a lot together and id always have feelings for her then,I'd never move on,but and this is the most important question in this post,is it better to at least get to be her friend if nothing else,I'm just really afraid of losing her . what do I do? My friends are telling me to move on? Some say try and talk to her? Others are already trying to set me up with other girls(which is something that really makes me uncomfortable) and I'm just so confused,I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things in real life so I'm turning to you guys. Sorry if this seems rambling, I'm still trying to make sense of it myself.

LegacyUser

I forgot to mention that this was my first proper relationship which is probably where an awful lot of the confusion is stemming from.

pookie82

You poor thing. Going through this at any stage is tough, going through it for the first time is doubly so.

None of us can get inside her head and explain what happened. But the fact that this is the second time in a month she has finished it would suggest her heart is not in it anymore. And honestly, as someone who's been through a lot of break ups over the years, you might want to know how, when and why, when really, ALL you need to know and accept is this... she doesn't want to be in this anymore.

There are countless threads on here where people speak about break ups and say everything seemed to be going perfectly and they can't understand where it all came from, whereas very often the person doing the breaking up has been thinking about it/leading up to it for a while. It's a sad fact that sometimes we think we're in a great relationship when the other person starts to lose the feeling and the first we hear of it is when they call time!

Don't beat yourself up about why this happened. People fall in and out of love all the time, they grow apart, they want freedom or independence, or they simply want to be alone to figure it all out. You mention you just started college and she has too ... it's possible she wants to enter this phase of her life as a single person with no ties. Long distance is a challenge to even the most secure and settled adults, let alone someone who's 18/19/20 and has just entered a massive life change.

You're very smart to realise that there can be no such thing as just "friendship" here ... and you would be wise not to pursue it when you know yourself one of you will cling more to the idea of a reconciliation (probably you).

It sounds very blunt, but the best thing to do is delete her number, deleter her from FB/Twitter/snapchat, and just try your very best to look after yourself and begin to move on. I know you can't imagine life without her now but believe me when I say this, there IS life after her. We all have that feeling when we leave a relationship where the other person has been a best friend as well as a partner, but people cut ties all the time and eventually they find happiness again without that person. In fact, the less you cling to the unlikely, the quicker you'll get there. Keeping contact will only prolong and delay the agony.

You mention you've just started college too... fling yourself into your course and your new social circle. You don't have to jump into dating yet and it would probably be a waste of time anyway, but do go out and have fun and meet new people. There's no point in lying, it'll be painful for a while but rest assured it's nothing that thousands of us haven't been through before AND come out the other side of.

Chin up and hope this helps somewhat.

LegacyUser

Thanks,having someone write down the advice personally to me really helps . I've spent all day wondering was it worth feeling unhappy to keep my best friend or should I cut ties. And only after reading this message do I realise that I really do have to cut contact. College has been hard on her and from talking too some of her friends today she's talked to them a few times and had only chickened out at the last moment from dumpling me 3 more times in the last 2 months.
The strangest part of all this and I think this is because it was long distance is that it doesn't even feel real test,the real pain hasn't hit just yet because it almost feels like it hasn't happened. I'd say I'll feel like that until after the day when we'd arranged to meet next which is in a few weeks. I don't have a clue how I'm going to explain this to my parents. They really liked her,my young brother thinks she's the best. I was going to just leave it as long as I can without telling them...

Dark Phoenix

echo the advice above. Sorry to hear ye broke up OP but keep your dignity and dont let her get back together and end things a third time. She has had two chances and walked away, let her keep walking.

It hurts but immerse yourself in college and between course work and social aspect of it you can slowly start to forget about her

pookie82

anonymous poster123 wrote: »

Thanks,having someone write down the advice personally to me really helps . I've spent all day wondering was it worth feeling unhappy to keep my best friend or should I cut ties. And only after reading this message do I realise that I really do have to cut contact. College has been hard on her and from talking too some of her friends today she's talked to them a few times and had only chickened out at the last moment from dumpling me 3 more times in the last 2 months.
The strangest part of all this and I think this is because it was long distance is that it doesn't even feel real test,the real pain hasn't hit just yet because it almost feels like it hasn't happened. I'd say I'll feel like that until after the day when we'd arranged to meet next which is in a few weeks. I don't have a clue how I'm going to explain this to my parents. They really liked her,my young brother thinks she's the best. I was going to just leave it as long as I can without telling them...

That's completely natural ... when you break up with someone you live with, the impact is immediate, someone you see on weekends/a few times a week it's sooner, but if you guys were only meeting up every few weeks I can understand that it doesn't seem that real yet.

But if you really take a deep breath and face the reality that it's over and done with now, by the time that day comes (the day you had agreed to next meet) you might find that you're already on the road to accepting what's happened.

The worst thing you could do for yourself now is live in hope and denial (and we've all done that!).

Give her space and give yourself space from her as well. It will hurt for a time and by god you'll miss her, but you're young, and you'll probably go through this a few times before you meet the person you decide to spend the rest of your life with. Don't torture yourself by staying in touch on social media or watching her comings and goings on FB, that can be a complete tormentor. Feel free to delete and block her, she's owed no explanation for that. She made the decision to end things, the decision to cut all ties is now yours and you're perfectly entitled to it.

If she backtracks and is shocked that you've deleted her and tries to make contact just calmly inform her that you've realised this is what you need to do to move on and wish her well.

Just a piece of advice in general on break ups as well ... it's a lot easier on both parties during a break up to sit down and promise you'll always be friends and always be there for each other. It's unthinkable in the moment that you wouldn't be, after all you've shared. But I think 99% of people with any experience in these things knows that that's just a little dance we do to ease the pain. It will quickly become clear to you that an ex is exactly that and can rarely just revert to being a "good friend". The biggest favour I can do for you to now is to advise you to accept that, be hurt about it, work through it in your head, and resolve to move on.

And remember it's ok to be sad for a while, you're not made of steel.

Typer Monkey

Excellent advice given above OP. One thing I would add is don't be giving a second thought to your parents missing her. Their number one concern is you and your welfare. I think you should tell your mother. As a mother myself I'd be disappointed if I couldn't support my son in his hour of need. Your parents don't need shielding from this, they'll want to help you.

Just give it time. It's such a cliche but it really is a healer.

Shrap

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Your parents don't need shielding from this, they'll want to help you.

Totally that. OP, poor you. It's horrible when a relationship ends and you are the one who didn't want it to. Do tell your parents, and let them help support you - you don't have to go through it all on your own. As a parent, I've seen my eldest with a broken heart and all you want to do is wrap him up in love, home comforts and sympathy. Mind yourself pet and let yourself be minded too.

LegacyUser

The reason I haven't told anyone except 2 of my friends is that once I tell my parents it will become way too real for me and I'm afraid of breaking down in front of them. And while they'll be really pissed at her they'll inwardly be happy because they didn't at all like that I was in a steady relationship at my age and believed I should be out with different girls all the time like other people my age. And I can't deal with that when I'm already struggling with the fact that I might never see her again.

Big Bag of Chips

When you tell people, you don't have to tell them the truth. It's nobody's business. So you can tell your parents that you both decided to call it a day because of college, being busy and not having much time to see each other etc.

This is so difficult for you because it is your first relationship, but honestly, you will get over it. You are now free to immerse yourself in college life. Meet and talk to other girls. Make friends. Not feel that you have to hold back because you have a gf. Your first break up is devastating. But you know what - most people when they start their first proper relationship think it's going to be "together forever", and very very very few first relationship end up as together forever! So you know now that you are not alone.

Don't contact her. "We can still be friends" is a line used to soften the blow. You don't need her as a friend. There are loads of people you can be friends with. Busy yourself now with your college mates. Your next gf is probably pretty close at the moment - you just have to find her!

Matteroffact

Of course you miss her a lot. You are going from having someone to chat to everyday who cared for you to not having this. It has to be a big change for you. There is no guarantee in any relationship and so it is very important not to build your self esteem on how someone else treats you. You come across as being a caring person, someone who would make a good b/f so this particular girl probably just wants to spread her wings because of her age and not because she has gone off you. You are both starting college and it is probably a good thing to give yourselves some space to make new friends and enjoy the social life that college offers.

You never know this may not be a permanent break like you seem to think but the best way to find out is to give the relationship a bit of an airing, cool the jets, play it cool, make new friends, widen your horizons and you never know how things might turn out in the end. You could get back with this girl so don't panic and think you will never see her again. That is just a natural reaction, but honestly things have a way of working out and your situation will work out too.

LegacyUser

im basically going with the idea that its a permanent break because of the distance,if we dont talk and she never comes to this side of the country except to visit me and you wouldnt be anywhere near her unless you were visiting theres no way we're going to manage to get back unless we talk again. so for now im deciding its permanent.
ive decided im going to tell mom as soon as i can though.

we still havent talked and the effort not to send a message is really tearing me apart ,i know though if she sends me one then i'll answer straightaway and i wont be able to stop myself. ive already tried to hang out with my other friends a bit more now but i dont actually have anyone i can really talk to anymore,thats kinda how the 2 of us started getting along was confiding in each other and talking ,so im finding im repressing everything and then this thread seems to be my only relief. thanks for all the advice btw ,its really really appreciated.
what do other teenagers do usually to cope with this? None of my friends are actually in relationships and there longest one is about 3 weeks so i cant get any advice there?

Shrap

anonymous poster123 wrote: »

so im finding im repressing everything and then this thread seems to be my only relief. thanks for all the advice btw ,its really really appreciated.
what do other teenagers do usually to cope with this? None of my friends are actually in relationships and there longest one is about 3 weeks so i cant get any advice there?

Glad you're hanging out with your old buddies OP. I know it's not the same as having someone special to confide in, but in answer to your question "what do other teenagers do..?", judging by my eldest son they do just what you're doing - see more of their mates, and let their Mams fuss over them a bit

My young fella does have friends he can confide in, as they're a very open bunch, but tbh all they do is sit about in each other's houses playing various scary/shooty games with occasional kitchen raids and keep each other company! Oh, and techno-nights in town. Nothing wrong with a bit of distracting yourself, and probably essential for you at this time. He also swore off girls for a while and told me he was just going to re-kindle his bromances!

Is there any one of those friends you could say "Mate, I need some distraction. Having a hard time over the break-up" to? And then let them off to organise a lad's night just for hanging out and having a laugh?

Matteroffact

I am no teenager but I do remember my first break up and honest to God I did have those feelings that you have now i.e. the panic that if you don't make a move now you will lose contact forever. Think about it OP, there is no danger of this. The fact is that if you give this girl a chance to miss you,you have a better chance that she might change her mind about this break up. If you do not hear from one another for a couple of months then this does not mean you can't get in touch with her then just to see how she is. You will always have that opportunity. I do feel for you because I know how hard it is to break up with someone. Maybe if you tell your Mom you will feel better about it as I am sure that your Mom will help you to come to terms with it. You won't feel like this forever, you will get over it, you will meet someone else even though you don't want to right now. Don't forget this girl will have more respect for you if you are not there waiting in the background for her to change her mind. You need to get things into perspective and realize that you are a terrific guy and that you don't need to feel deflated just because this one girl wants to broaden her horizons. For all you know there is a better girl for you just around the corner.

Now make no mistake about it getting over something like this does take time, you will not wake up tomorrow and feel better about it. You have to make the effort though to form new habits in your social life because otherwise you will feel an empty gap every time you face being without her. You need to fill your time with other things to do. If you cannot get out more then read a book to keep your mind on other things.

I wish I could say something that would reassure you that in 6 months time you will be in a different place, feel good about yourself and maybe have a new g/f. Chin up.

LegacyUser

ya i have one friend like that,the big problem with that is they naturally enough just wont shut up talking about girls . that last post seemed optimistic,i liked it. the advice in this thread is already helping me,i at least feel like i have direction now,i like doing things systematically so i was really in a bad way when i wasnt sure on how to go on. thanks sooo much for all the posts