child maintenance or lack thereof & access & guardianship

mrswoods

hi all
im hoping someone can give advice.

my gorgeous son is 11 and from a previous relationship which ended a couple of months after he was born due to emotional and physical abuse and my ex was a drug addict, thief and general scumbag. luckily I got away and met someone normal and am now married with 2 more kids and all is well.

at this point I would like to say that i always made an effort for my ex to see our son as i wanted my son to grow up knowing where he came from. however with regard to his drug history etc. I wanted it to be under supervison of my ex's parents to ensure safety of my child.

when I got engaged my ex and his parents took me to court for guardianship and access as they were worried that once I got married I wouldn't let them see my son and my ex would have no rights. at this time they had my son overnight once a week and a full day too. the judge throw out the application after 5 years of court due to my ex not turning up repeatedly and my solicitor proving his shady character. he did grant grandparents 3hrs access every 2 weeks which I increased myself to 6hrs thinking I was being a bit more fair.the case cost me thousands while my ex got free legal aid.

over the last 4 years things have been ok and we have built a relationship with my ex's parents. my ex has repeatedly let down my son not turning up at important events eg. communion etc. over the last year or so my ex parents have been leaving my son alone with my ex contrary to our agreement and court order. I have fought several times woth them over this with reassurances that it would never happen again. my son was being sworn to secrecy and this was placing a huge burden on him until one day he broke down and told us what was going on. I thought everything was sorted after that and I had made it clear that I wanted my ex to have supervisied visits. (I need to add here that my ex still is a drug user)

for the last month the grandparents have continuously changed their scheduled days with my son and I have accommodated them but after the 5th time doing it I did ask them not to change it again as we ourselves have plans at the weekend and I couldn't keep changing them to keep up with their changes. again for the last 2 visits they have left my son alone with my ex for short periods, I feel potentially putting my son in danger so I reiterated again re supervised visits, which led to my ex's mom exploding at my husband in public saying that she will do whatever she wants with her grandson in her 6hrs. they are now threatening court again which is fine by me and I will revert to the 3hrs granted by the court in the first instance.

my concern here is my son he is 11 now and i don't think its fair that he has to deal with this. he is mad about my ex and has fun with him when he is in the right form although he has complained to us that my ex constantly puts him down and roars at him throwing game controllers off the wall when he loses a video game which obviously I don't want and I sometimes see my son imitating this behaviour after a visit there. but I don't want to deprive him of his right to know his biological father and make his own decisions regarding their relationship.

my ex does not and never has paid maintenance. my husband who has brought my son up as his own provides for him and always has.

my friends with kids and family are advising I stop all visits but I know no.1 this is not fair to my son and also I will be breaking a court order.im concerned that a judge will grant access and im worried re my sons safety. what can I do to keep him safe. can I ask for supervised visits? or weekly supervised drug testing?

im thinking of offering mediation first but as they have broke the court order and yet are threatening me with court that I should go back to court re this????

my husband and I both work fulltime bt with mortgage childcare bills etc I don't think we are in a position to afford a solicitor again.

any advice would be appreciated.

Little CuChulainn

I suggest you take this to the parenting forum. Your solicitor can give you all the legal advice you need. Personally I would start by asking your son exactly what he wants, or better yet have someone he can open up to do it. Perhaps a child psychologist or a teacher. He needs to be able to feel like he can be honest and not worry about hurting mammy or daddys feelings. Once you know what your son wants tell your solicitor to make it happen and do what you have to to make it work. If he changes his mind when he is older, deal with that then.

mrswoods

thank you for your reply little cuchulainn.
we have discussed with my son as to whether he wants to visit and he does.
and I believe he has a right to see his biological father but under supervision due to history, that is not the issue
the issue is that my ex poses a threat to my sons safety if he has him alone
unfortunately as my ex has not been involved or interested in my sons life for the last 11 years I don't feel this is a parenting issue
my son has done play therapy
unfortunately leaving it 'until he is older' isn't really an option as there is a real worry that the lifestyle of my ex would negatively impact on my son also
I am and always have been willing to make it work as you say but there are safety issues which I have already said and which I have addressed via the solicitors allowing my ex to see my son via supervised access with his parents.

I am going to access mediation and make a complaint re breach of access order hopefully I wont have to go through another couple of years of fattening solicitors pockets

maccydoodies

Have you heard of mediation? It might be worth your while to see if you can resolve this issue without the stress and cost of a court hearing. If you are in dublin there is a fantastic service in dolphin house run by the family mediation service whereby anybody can avail of the service free of charge. The only drawback is that all parties have to agree to go.

If you contact them and the other parties in turn refuse mediation well at least you know you have tried another avenue to sort the matters out. Text step is wait for your summons or take out your own.

Best of luck in whatever you do. Hope your son is ok xxxx

mrswoods

maccydoodies wrote: »

Have you heard of mediation? It might be worth your while to see if you can resolve this issue without the stress and cost of a court hearing. If you are in dublin there is a fantastic service in dolphin house run by the family mediation service whereby anybody can avail of the service free of charge. The only drawback is that all parties have to agree to go.

If you contact them and the other parties in turn refuse mediation well at least you know you have tried another avenue to sort the matters out. Text step is wait for your summons or take out your own.

Best of luck in whatever you do. Hope your son is ok xxxx

Thanks maccydoody! I did come across mediation before and offered it to my ex and he refused it. But I'll def try again!