Help Getting Over Her

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I'm quite a regular poster on here but have decided to go unregistered for this one to keep some anonymity. Sorry for the long post.

My story begins a few months ago, in the summer of 2014. I'd always had my eye on a girl I met in college about 4 years ago, but for one reason or another things just never happened during that time and I never thought she was interested in me anyway as there was some opportunities on nights out that never materialized. However, we did chat on and off via social network, always spoke when we saw each other around and had what would be deemed to be a friendship.

Then, one night during the summer, we were chatting as we did every so often via a social networking site and started to get very flirty. This continued for about a week until (I can't remember who brought it up first) it was eventually revealed that we both had felt the same way about each other for quite a long time and that we should meet up. This was quite early in the summer and we were both very busy with various things going on and lived about an hour away from each other, so didn't get to meet for a while afterwards, but the communication continued and got much more frequent. As I said, we had know each other for around 4 years and unbeknownst to one another had always felt the same way, so it was great.

Additionally, in what would seem to be one of those things that make you think "this is meant to be", I randomly landed a job in the same city that the girl in question began a new college course in. We met a number of weeks after the revelation (this was a couple of days into my new job) and hit it off straight away. We had food, lots of fun, and kissed. The day was absolutely perfect! The next week we met on lunch every single day and continued to meet frequently. The first couple of months were honestly some of the best that I have had. We had gone from initially saying that we'd take things slowly, to both of us expressing that we were falling for each other. It was true, I was head over heels and felt like a million dollars - the girl I had always liked and we were essentially together in all but name (which was quite clear to both of us and was expressed). Then, things changed.

The girl in question went out with her friends (she hangs out with more male friends than female, not an issue to me really, your friends are your friends, but it's relevant to this story) and the next day I knew something had happened. When you've been talking/communicating with someone every day for months you can tell, she was just different and it was clear. We had discussed making us official and she was very keen on the idea previously, but when it was mentioned the day after she had went out, she had cooled completely on it. I said fair enough, I didn't want to throw away what we had over a title, but it was odd and sent alarm bells ringing. (That next morning we even met up briefly, she cuddled up to me and kissed me and I was none the wiser, which is the dagger when I think back really). She lives at her homeplace and had a free house for a few days so we had planned to spend the night together the following week for quite a while anyway, and said we'd talk properly then.

The planned day came around and halfway through having sex she broke down and told me that she had kissed one of these friends the night she went out and that when relationship came up she felt really panicked and didn't think she could be in one. This was despite her telling me over the weeks/months that she had completely fallen for me, also that I was the one, among many other things. I know, I know - I should have had some dignity and walked away there and then, but she could have told me she had shot my dog and I was so hooked that I probably would have thanked her for it (and truthfully, I still am). The first night she had gone out since we had started meeting up and she kisses someone else, yet I somehow blame myself for it. Anyway, we talked and talked, had a few drinks, one thing led to another and perhaps stupidly we spent the night together. The next morning she told me that she really wanted me, but just wasn't able for a relationship. I knew my ability to trust her was now gone, especially with her having lots of male friends I'd always be thinking "what is she up to now", but not wanting to lose her and thinking that things could change, I said we'd take things slow and see how things developed.

It was fine for about 3 weeks afterwards. We had a few days out together and they truly did feel like the first time all over again. It was so much fun, our conversations were as intense as they had been a couple of months previously and I honestly thought things were starting to develop extremely positively again, but after that I again noticed that things were a bit different - as you do when you're constantly talking to someone as mentioned before. One morning as we were texting, I asked what was up and she said she was feeling stressed because of college (the workload etc) so having been in that situation before I tried to be nice and reassure her and said something along the lines of that if she was worried about me and her alongside college that she shouldn't be as we'll be fine throughout and that I'm always there for her if she needs any help etc. I got an extremely surprising text back basically stating that I don't need to say that as it makes her feel as if she's doing something wrong and doesn't need any reassurance. At this point I was startled and I got a bit angry, the first time I actually had since we started communicating in the summer, and replied that she doesn't need to make me feel like a piece of crap for trying to be nice.

For 3 days nothing more was said from either of us, but I knew it was more than just an argument and that we were most likely finished which killed me. I got a text from her 3 days later stating that she is really sorry, it's nothing I've done, but that she can't be under pressure or in a relationship and basically that was that in terms of us. I replied that I have started to realise she has been treating me like crap which I didn't deserve and that she basically led me on with everything she had been telling me whilst wanting the best of both worlds at the same time. That was the last contact we have had.

That was a few weeks ago and I just can't get her off my mind. Look, if I was reading this I would say "you were an idiot for not walking away the minute she told you she kissed someone else, delete her from your phone, Facebook etc, concentrate on you, take up a new hobby, you'll eventually get over it, time is a great healer and you'll eventually meet someone else". But I've realised it's just not that easy. All I can think about in work is her. Every evening I have to stop myself from picking up the phone and contacting her to spill my heart out (I know the number so deleting it isn't going to help that). I'm tossing and turning in bed every night, not sleeping properly. Blaming myself, then blaming her, then blaming myself again, wondering what could have been done differently. I really, really did think she was 'the one' and I'm heartbroken. I keep thinking back to that last text, maybe I should have considered her stress from college more and not replied the way I did, then maybe things would have sorted themselves out - yet then I think back to the fact I was only trying to be reassuring in the first place, and also that morning after the night she kissed someone else and basically acted like nothing happened when I was holding her and because of that how I could never really trust her again.

I'm all over the place really.

Again sorry for the long post but I'm hoping that talking about it will help, and I've witnessed some fantastic advice been dished out on this forum over the years so I'm hoping I can benefit from same.

Tasden

Well tbh, and (I'm gonna just be blunt about it in the hope it helps) it doesn't seem to me that ye were exclusive at the time she kissed someone else. Like yes you were getting more involved and one would hope that if someone liked you as much ad they let on that they would stop seeing others, but if ye hadn't discussed being exclusive or in a relationship then its hard to know if kissing someone else was a "wrong" thing for her to do. So i wouldn't say that you were stupid not to end it then because she was honest with you despite there actually being an obligation on her to do so. Unless I've read it wrong and you were actually in a committed relationship at the time.

Where I would say you messed up is continuing to get more and more involved when she told you she didn't want a relationship. It was inevitable you'd end up disappointed really because she never really wanted a relationship and you did.

But whats done is done. You'll know next time to walk away.

I think its hard to say whether your reaction to the text was harsh or not because you told her she treated you like crap and while you may have felt crap about the situation she may not have treated you badly as such- she was upfront about what she did and didn't want so it was your decision to remain in whatever type of relationship she could offer you. Having said that, she was aware of your feelings and maybe shouldn't have led you on if she felt you were more invested. I think it was a good thing for you to stand up for yourself though and not just pander to her and apologise in the hope of rekindling something. I wouldn't regret that if i were you. You got to explain how you felt and have the last word in a way. Even if it may have been harsh or a little ott or whatever.

I honestly think right now its more breaking the habit of having that communication with her. When things settle down and you realise it was a little one sided, and maybe more convenient on her part than meaningful, then you might find it easier to move on. Its obvious you wanted a monogamous relationship and if she wasn't prepared to give you that then you should find someone who is. I know you wanted a relationship with her, not just anybody, but its just a case of finding someone that is right for you.

Hope i wasn't too harsh
You'll be ok

Mr. Incognito

She didnt and doesnt want an exclusive relationship with you.

You accepted this and now accuse her of leading you on.

Think you need to cut contact and walk away from this one

Ann84

I'm sorry to hear your having a tough time but you will feel better in time, try to focus on friends, family and having the craic over Christmas!!

I am surmising here but if you told her early on that you had held a flame for her for a while and thought she was the business, she may have been flattered and tried to give a relationship a go despite not really feeling it deep down...
You mention having known her for a while and nothing happening and then ye talked and both realised ye had feelings... Did you instigate the feelings conversation?

The reason I ask is because a couple of years ago, I came out of a LTR and a few months after becoming single, on a night out a guy I worked with who I was good friends with ended up chatting and he basically told me he had liked me for years but I had been in a relationship, and that he thought I was wonderful and of course I had always thought he was lovely but had never really fancied him... And I didn't really want a relationship as I was happy being newly single...
However, his deep feelings for me were really flattering and I found myself telling him how wonderful he was and we ended up kissing...
Cutting a long story short, my heart was never in it but I got into a mess because he was so lovely, so supportive, caring and the perfect boyfriend... And to top it off, he thought I was the one for him...
So I tried dating him, I really wanted to like him like he liked me because it would have been perfect if i did...
But, after a couple of weeks I had to tell him it wasn't going to work out, and he accused me of leading him on, and breaking his heart, and I wasn't the girl he thought I was etc which really hurt.

The problem if you put someone on a pedestal and they don't feel the same, it hurts you a lot more...

Now as I said, I am surmising a lot but it does sound like her heart wasn't in it and it does sound like she didn't really know how she felt... I'm not trying to say you shouldn't feel hurt, but it's unlikely she was trying to hurt you...
It just sounds like it wasn't meant to be, so get out there and meet someone wonderful who thinks your wonderful too!!
😊

beks101

You sounds like a great guy OP and a real catch

First of all, you've done nothing wrong. It's so easy when you're mad about someone and it suddenly ends to do the post-mortems and the blame game and the self-berating and ruminating, but the fact is, it just wasn't to be with this girl.

I know too well how hard that is to process when the heartache is so raw, but trust me, in time - a few months, maybe a year at most - the fog will lift and you won't need to search for these precise answers and reasons and pinpoint exactly when and why it all went awry, you'll just be like, "yeah. That was never gonna go anywhere!" I can 100% guarantee it!

And to be honest, it doesn't sound like there was any exact reason in the first place. It could have been a mixture of flattery and the adrenaline that can come with that, genuine fondness and affection for you and your history as friends, physical attraction but not being emotionally available, bad timing, stress, too-much-too-quick, etc etc.

I know I've been in places before where I just wasn't able to commit to someone, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the guy and everything to do with me. And despite being a bit of a wordsmith, even I couldn't quite find the words to articulate why. I just went from feeling something to it not feeling quite right and the inevitable dissolution of the relationship went from there, with no satisfactory reasons or answers. I just couldn't.

And vice versa; I've had that done to me. And it's a bloody hard pill to swallow, and you're so angry at the lack of solid reason - but the key is to not take it personally. They've done you a favour and saved you from deeper headfcuk and pain in the long run. And that's just dating. It's always, always a gamble, regardless of what's been said or done throughout. And it doesn't make you any less of a catch!

Be patient with yourself the next little while. Find someone to distract yourself with. For me it was running - I went from a sometime-gym goer to a marathon runner and the high from that brought back my smile and my self confidence. It's hard not to smile when you're doing something that's actively changing your life and how you feel about yourself. Is there something you've always wanted to try or to change about your life? Now is the time to invest in that!

And don't isolate yourself. Make the effort with your mates, make time for your family, talk to whomever you feel comfortable about this. Or post here. Don't let it sit in the back of your head where it will fester and never fully come to the fore. Let yourself feel sh1t about it.

But sit tight and try not to over-analyze. There's nothing you could have done that would've produced different results. She was never fully sure and that was always going to come out. Lots of other girls will be though

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP here again.

Firstly, thank you all for taking the time to comment. I prefer the honesty so thanks for that. It's extremely beneficial to be able to receive opinion/comment from people who are not directly involved.

With regards to the exclusive relationship stuff, the reason I feel led on with regards to that is because of what had been spoken about before that night. We had told each other that we were falling for each other (a conversation instigated by her) and had spoken about becoming exclusive, however, as it was something we both said we would rather do face-to-face, I was going to wait until that planned night to ask as I felt it would be a bit more special than a text/call as we wouldn't have seen each other before the planned night. There was no ambiguity on either part with regards to this and everything she was saying to me suggested she did want an exclusive relationship too. Then that night happened and everything seemed to change.

Anyway, to update, we were in touch over the weekend and what started off as a friendly conversation ended in a blazing row with a few home truths spilled out on either side. She said she never led me on and "who cares" if she kissed someone else as we weren't in a relationship (this is despite her telling me the things I was also telling her, e.g. - I feel like we are in a relationship anyway, just without the title, but when we see each other next lets become official), that I was suffocating her (we did text etc an awful lot, but I mad it clear time and time again that she didn't have to if she had other things on and vice-versa) and basically that I should be able to understand that she can't balance everything and that there's no way I could possibly feel so strongly for her after a few months. That hurt, as she was essentially telling me she felt the same way and instigating conversations of the sort throughout. Of course I was hardly an angel during the exchange and told her exactly how I feel: that the trust I had for her had been destroyed because I felt she was telling me one thing yet doing another, that I felt she had lied to me in terms of what she was saying about becoming exclusive on top of many other things she had said. The hour-long exchange ended with both of us deleting the other abruptly from social networks etc. I do think that may be a good thing as it forces us to stop communicating and prolonging the inevitable.

However, it's really sad to see how we went from those nights talking during the summer, to the feeling I (and she, well I thought anyway) got when we first started meeting up and how that developed over the last few months, to this. But it appears this is how it ends.

Matteroffact

Relationships often lose their charm for one of the parties involved. You can start off falling head over heels with someone and then in a few short months the whole thing falls assunder. This is what is happening in your case. There is no point in having a post mortem over what happened and what could have gone differently because you gave it your best shot and you reacted the way it came naturally for you. The reality is that this girl wants to move on, not because of anything you did or said but because she is now ready to try something different with her life. This would have happened no matter who her b/f was. It is unfortunate that you are not in the same place as she is and you are not ready to move on. This is the hard part. This is a break up and can be the most hurtful thing that can happen to a person. You start to question your whole self worth, just because one person out of the whole universe doesn't feel the same as you do. There are millions of people out there who would be delighted to have you as their b/f so don't waste any more time lamenting this one person who doesn't. It will take time for you to forget about this girl but you will get over it. It doesn't matter how good the good times were what you have to concentrate on now is that she wants to move on, and you need to too. you have to socialize more, join clubs and get moving in the circles where you will meet other girls and then when you do all of this heartache will ease off for you. We all go through it and it is very hard at the time, but you have some very good qualities and will have no trouble meeting other girls and forming new relationships and I wish you the best of luck with this.