inadequate attention

wet sand

What happens a child that doesn't get adequate attention from its father growing up?

Say for example if accomplishment s go continuly unknowtest by the father. Will the child eventually give up?

I've had this very experience as a child growing up. I only recently went home after a long period away and discovered my graduation photographs left in the 'press' still in their f.ucking envelope a year and a half after the photographer took them.

This has been a recurring theme growing up; successes and accomplishments going totally unoticed to the point I don't give a **** anymore.

djerk

Sorry to hear about your frustration OP, I can empathise with your issue. I have a father who never took much interest in my goals or achievements in life. It used to bother me a lot but in hindsight I became a very independent person as a result. I'd be lying if I said my relationship with him didn't suffer, we don't have much contact anymore. It's difficult when a parent doesn't celebrate or acknowledge your achievements because some part of us (as their children) will always look to them for some sense of approval. Part of growing up is about learning to separate from our parents and standing on our own two feet. Ive long since given up trying to understand my father's lack of motivation, I know he cares about me, and sometimes rationalise it by telling myself he was born in a different generation. My mother often told me
that he didn't have the closest relationship with his own father so maybe it stems from that and his own feeling of inadequacy. What I did learn was that he would never change so I changed my feelings towards him, I forgave him (from a personal point of view) so that I could let go of the anger and frustration I felt.

I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have with your father but you can always try communicating your feelings to him and take it from there, chances are he has no idea how this might be affecting you. Either way, at least you'd know where you stand then. Whatever happens, learn to value your achievements and your sense of self, at the end of the day, only you have the power to give that away.

R.D. aka MR.D

Neither of my parents have ever been 'proud' of me. In fact, my sister-in-law had to get my graduation photos, frame them and put them up in my parents house. She thought it was disgraceful that there were literally no photo's of me in the house. This was after 2 years of them gathering dust in a press.

My father probably couldn't tell you what job I do or what I studied in college. They have no interest in me. I'm from a farming background and my brother is the most important thing in their lives. They could probably tell you what he had for breakfast.

The way that I think about it is this: some people are lucky to be born to parents who will do their job of parenting properly but others won't. I can't change that now. I can't change them either. All I can do is be proud of myself and my accomplishments. I live my life for me.

LegacyUser

I know where you're coming from though it's not so bad for me. My mum's dead and I've come to realise that I'm pretty much invisible in my dad's eyes. My brother's the golden boy and I'm chopped liver. It used to upset me a bit but then I realised that I couldn't change the sort of person he is. I've accepted that he's not all that interested in me and that I'm not going to have the sort of dad I wish I had. I don't expect anything from him any more so it's stopping me from getting hurt. I don't live at home any more so I find that being able to go elsewhere helps a lot.
tl;dr Keep your expectations very low and you're less likely to be hurt

LegacyUser

I can understand how you feel. I have a number of brothers and sisters. My mother favours one brother(b) and one sister(s) above the rest of us.
When either b or s are around everything revolves around them and what they want. She continually tells the rest of us how b & s are, what they are doing & never lets the rest of us forget how well they are doing.
Along with this she will drop everything when b or s call or need her, has given both of them a lot of money over the years and any thing promised to them always happens.

Meanwhile she has selective hearing and a selective memory in regards to the rest of her children. She has made promises which are forgotten and ignores things that need her time or some of her money to fix. A few years ago she promised one us some badly needed money which she soon forgot about. At this stage she has yet to realise that her children beside b and s have had enough of being ignored, of the broken promises ect. The reality is that b and s won't stop there lives or put themselves out in any way when our mother is older and needs more help so she will be dependent on the rest of us.

I could be bitter how things have turned out but I am proud of how well I did despite her lack of support. I am making plans so long term I won't be in a position to end up as her main carer if she needs this.
I would agree with a post here - Keep your expectations very low and you're less likely to be hurt.

Rubberchikken

you can't change how someone else behaves. so you'll have to change how this affects you.
i realise it must hurt. you work hard to accomplish things and they go unrecognised by the very people who should be so proud of you.

there is a chance they are proud but are the type of people who don't demonstrate it. maybe it was never done for them. maybe they think that if they do display pride in your accomplishments that it would make you big-headed. who knows?

you could ask. say how you feel and see what the response is.

freshpopcorn

Have you any other siblings OP?
Do they get attention?
My parents never put up graduation photos of us and we've an excellent relationship. Some people don't care what you've achieved as long as you get on with them.
I know of a couple who has two sons one is highly intelligent (has a master an excellent job\house) but they get on much better with there son who hasn't achieved much because they just get on better\have more in common.

Catari Jaguar

Feck them, they're missing out on a wonderful person through their own laziness or insecurity or whatever. What you become is in spite of them more than because of them. As it stands you seem to be more considerate and empathetic, so your opinion of you is all that matters. Make yourself happy, achieve things for yourself, be proud of you.

Xterminator

wet sand wrote: »

What happens a child that doesn't get adequate attention from its father growing up?

... going totally unoticed to the point I don't give a **** anymore.

Hi

it sounds like you have some cold parents there alright. But to answer your question you can control what effect it has.

You can allow it to wreck your head and share future relationships or you can take control and not let it influence you.

what you cannot do is change your parents. Only they can do that.

X

ViveLaVie

My parents haven't hung up my graduation photos either. They're in a bag still. In fact my father didn't come to my last one cos he said I had had enough lol. I don't think it's that big a deal? Some people just aren't demonstrative like that.

December2012

Apart from acknowledging your achievements does your father pay YOU attention? Does he love you? Does he like you? Do you both show an interest in each other's lives?

On its own I don't think that leaving photographs in a press means you are a bad inattentive parent.

TeamJesus

I remember my aunty telling me about her friend. Her friend admitted to her that she never really liked her daughter (although she said she "loved" her).

The reason was her daughter reminded her too much of herself, and she didn't like herself!

Do you think you are so much like your parent that they see themselves in you and find it hard to like what they see due to a lack of self confidence?