Girlfriend won't show phone today. Got mad when I stole it off her.

LeakingLava

Hi everyone, so my girlfriend took a picture of me for snapchat or something while at lunch at work today. I hate getting pictures taken of me. So I told her to give me the phone. She insisted that it wasn't getting saved anyway or something. I still wanted to see the phone anyway. She really insisted to not let me have it. Then later she told me to wait a second. Then when I took it off her hands, she kinda frowned and I saw that she was trying to delete stuff off the gallery. The multi-select then delete type of thing. There was videos, I don't know what the contents are. No pictures/videos were ticked yet as selection for deletion. I wasn't able to play a video as we were in the canteen. She was properly mad at me. She wanted to go to her locker to get something prior to this situation happening and after all this, she insisted she wanted her phone because 'she still had to go get the 'thing' from the locker'. She was still very mad for me not giving back the phone.

Before today, she didn't care what I did to her phone and I don't mind giving her my phone either. We were always open to each other. I have no clue what the contents of her phone was, but there IS definitely something in there she doesn't want me to see.

My point of view now is, I don't think I can trust whatever she says is in her phone now as why would she not let me borrow her phone in the first place? Why would I now believe whatever she says when she can't ever prove it? I mean, she could say 'this' is the worst that's in my phone when in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that she could've deleted something easily.

We 'are' together 5 years now and have really grown up since we were first together. We are very good together. We do have fights but we always solve it. I really have no clue what this is. In my head, IF she did cheat, I have no clue why. We were really fine before this. But then again, why would she suddenly not let me check up her phone or whatever?

Now she's actually still very mad at me. We had plans for tomorrow. After this happened, she said sorry once for 'acting like a brat'. Then she asked me if I could please pick up the 'thing' before I go home. I didn't reply then later she pretty much commands me to reply. Then when I was on my way home she said 'I guess that's a no then, ok, if that's your decision'. This made my blood boil. I called her right after the message and asked(while shouting) if she really thought this was my decision. We talked a little bit. She was still using a tone of voice that pretty much says that it was my fault all along. Then when she stopped talking, I asked her why, she said she just wasn't planning on answering me or talking anymore, in the same tone of voice. Like it was my fault.

I'm really sorry about the very long post. I don't even know what to say anymore. So much things in my head.

Thanks for anyone who will read. I don't know who to ask for advice from.

Edit: Now she texted something that pretty much says we're broken up now. Wtf? I'm very confused now. What the actual -.

Penny Tration

You grabbed her phone from her, to go through her gallery?

I would have dumped you on the spot.

Maybe she WAS hiding something, who knows. By grabbing her phone from her to go through it, you've lost credibility though.

sounds like you're both better off apart, if you can't trust her.

ThatFatGal

Your post suggests that there's more to the story than just the snapchat photos and phone. Why do you think she might be cheating or she might be hiding something other than the fact that she didn't want you to look at her phone?

Also, can I ask how old yis are? I have colleagues at work who are in their early to mid (maybe late) 20's who use snapchat and found it to be quite childish and immature - not that there's anything wrong but taking pictures of everything and feeling the need to share it with everyone else on the list is a bit immature and needy in my opinion.

Maybe you should just sit down with her and ask why she got so upset as it does sound very trivial to break up over and it sounds to me there are other issues between yis two that you might want to talk about.

LeakingLava

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

You grabbed her phone from her, to go through her gallery?

I would have dumped you on the spot.

Maybe she WAS hiding something, who knows. By grabbing her phone from her to go through it, you've lost credibility though.

sounds like you're both better off apart, if you can't trust her.

We were always messing around grabbing each other's stuff. As in, paper while one of us is reading, phone when one of us is doing something, whatever.

My intention wasn't to go through her gallery, but to delete the picture she had taken off me. But when she was sooooooooo insisting about not letting me have it, and she said 'wait' while trying to delete stuff, it was really intriguing as this didn't happen ever(well once, I don't want to bring up past but it did happen and something was hidden which was sorted anyway, she said sorry, whatever else, and it was good. that was a few years ago).

LeakingLava

ThatFatGal wrote: »

Your post suggests that there's more to the story than just the snapchat photos and phone. Why do you think she might be cheating or she might be hiding something other than the fact that she didn't want you to look at her phone?

Also, can I ask how old yis are? I have colleagues at work who are in their early to mid (maybe late) 20's who use snapchat and found it to be quite childish and immature - not that there's anything wrong but taking pictures of everything and feeling the need to share it with everyone else on the list is a bit immature and needy in my opinion.

Maybe you should just sit down with her and ask why she got so upset as it does sound very trivial to break up over and it sounds to me there are other issues between yis two that you might want to talk about.

I'm 20 she's 21. We've been together for 5 years now. She likes the social media and stuff. Which I don't mind. But she took a picture of me which she knew I hated. That was pretty much all I wanted to deal with. Not really the snapchat, don't care about that.

I really want to emphasize that we were perfect before this happened. Nothing is awkward, I wasn't feeling anything negative about the relationship. We had no problems. And this happened. Which is why I'm so ****ing confused. I have to clue who she could be cheating with. I saw a person I know added as a contact on the snapchat thing though. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of 'them' until now that I type it here.

****.

Penny Tration

LeakingLava wrote: »

We were always messing around grabbing each other's stuff. As in, paper while one of us is reading, phone when one of us is doing something, whatever.

My intention wasn't to go through her gallery, but to delete the picture she had taken off me. But when she was sooooooooo insisting about not letting me have it, and she said 'wait' while trying to delete stuff, it was really intriguing as this didn't happen ever(well once, I don't want to bring up past but it did happen and something was hidden which was sorted anyway, she said sorry, whatever else, and it was good. that was a few years ago).

it's really not normal to take your partner's phone from their hand to snoop through it. I doubt you've done it like that to each other before. I'm gonna guess that generally, ye use each others phones without needing to ask? That's very different to grabbing it out of her hands and going through it. That isn't borrowing it, as you called it.

ultimately, as i said above, you obviously don't trust her, since your instant reaction is to think she is cheating. What went through my head initially was 'maybe she lied and she DID save the snapchat pic and wanted to delete it.'

if you don't trust her, she probably did you a favour in ending it.

LeakingLava

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

it's really not normal to take your partner's phone from their hand to snoop through it. I doubt you've done it like that to each other before. I'm gonna guess that generally, ye use each others phones without needing to ask? That's very different to grabbing it out of her hands and going through it. That isn't borrowing it, as you called it.

It really was normal for us. Neither of us minded it. Well not until now.

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

ultimately, as i said above, you obviously don't trust her, since your instant reaction is to think she is cheating. What went through my head initially was 'maybe she lied and she DID save the snapchat pic and wanted to delete it.'

if you don't trust her, she probably did you a favour in ending it.

I do trust her. But because this situation is so ****ing sketchy, I don't think I do anymore. Which is why I'm asking advice at the moment.

Thank you for your suggestion man. I appreciate it.

Meauldsegosha

LeakingLava wrote: »

I really want to emphasize that we were perfect before this happened. Nothing is awkward, I wasn't feeling anything negative about the relationship. We had no problems.

LeakingLava wrote: »

My point of view now is, I don't think I can trust whatever she says is in her phone now as why would she not let me borrow her phone in the first place? Why would I now believe whatever she says when she can't ever prove it? I mean, she could say 'this' is the worst that's in my phone when in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that she could've deleted something easily.

How can you change your attitude so quickly over a video being deleted on a phone. There has to be more at play here?

LeakingLava

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

How can you change your attitude so quickly over a video being deleted on a phone. There has to be more at play here?

Honestly, I really don't know. There's just so much questions in my head at the moment. I would LOVE to fix this thing. Trust me. I don't want to throw away the 5 years. But how could we? If I ask her what was in her phone, and she tells me whatever it is, why would she 'hide' it from me if she was going to tell me anyway? Which leads into the next question in my head, maybe 'that' isn't the actual 'thing' then? Also, by now, I don't think she can prove to me anything as what's in my head is that she could very easily delete whatever that **** is.

Well they're the questions in my head. Please help me. I'm not even mad anymore. I'm just very confused. I love her, don't want to lose her. But I don't know what to do regarding this.


I think a lot. Maybe I should have added that in the OP. I think so much.

Penny Tration

LeakingLava wrote: »

Honestly, I really don't know. There's just so much questions in my head at the moment. I would LOVE to fix this thing. Trust me. I don't want to throw away the 5 years. But how could we? If I ask her what was in her phone, and she tells me whatever it is, why would she 'hide' it from me if she was going to tell me anyway? Which leads into the next question in my head, maybe 'that' isn't the actual 'thing' then?


I think a lot. Maybe I should have added that in the OP. I think so much.

ah mate, that's not thinking too much. That's being paranoid and insecure. Big difference.

tbh, you're 20. It probably isn't the only relationship you're gonna be in. You're talking about throwing away five years, but ending a relationship isn't throwing anything away. You always have the memories and the experiences that shape you into who you are after the relationship.

but, you don't trust her. You say you do, but you don't. If you trusted her, you wouldn't automatically think she's cheating, especially after five years!

call her and speak to her if you want, and discuss it with her in a calm, adult fashion. However, if your initial thought when something you're surprised by happens is that she must be cheating, the relationship is doomed, whether she is or not.

blackbird98

maybe she was going to upload it or something for a joke?? then you snap the phone off her, don't answer when she asks you to collect the "thing", you don't reply to her text..... I'm not surprised she's a bit pi**ed off, maybe you both have a bit of growing up to do.

Why not talk together, both apologise, and start again.......after 5 years, it seems a bit trivial to be falling out over

LeakingLava

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

ah mate, that's not thinking too much. That's being paranoid and insecure. Big difference.

tbh, you're 20. It probably isn't the only relationship you're gonna be in. You're talking about throwing away five years, but ending a relationship isn't throwing anything away. You always have the memories and the experiences that shape you into who you are after the relationship.

but, you don't trust her. You say you do, but you don't. If you trusted her, you wouldn't automatically think she's cheating, especially after five years!

call her and speak to her if you want, and discuss it with her in a calm, adult fashion. However, if your initial thought when something you're surprised by happens is that she must be cheating, the relationship is doomed, whether she is or not.

Actually, I didn't think she was cheating. The 'thumbnails' of the videos weren't really thumbnails of her. I really didn't think that she was cheating. i just stated that it was one of the questions in my head. One of the possibilities, whatever. As I said, I think a lot. Maybe too much. And I'm being honest about not automatically thinking that she is cheating. I know you might not believe me, but please try and pretend that you do when you're typing your next reply/advice. I'm not being mean or anything, it's just that, I really believe that I didn't automatically think that she's cheating.

LeakingLava

blackbird98 wrote: »

maybe she was going to upload it or something for a joke?? then you snap the phone off her, don't answer when she asks you to collect the "thing", you don't reply to her text..... I'm not surprised she's a bit pi**ed off, maybe you both have a bit of growing up to do.

Why not talk together, both apologise, and start again.......after 5 years, it seems a bit trivial to be falling out over

I don't know about the growing up bit. I don't think trust being broken is something that's childish. But I do understand where you're coming from.

The second bit, makes a lot of sense. I will try. She gets off work soon so will try later. Thank you.

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe she had some stupid/embarrassing photos or videos of herself that she didn't want you to see? Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that you should know every tiny thought and detail about each other. Maybe she was out with her friends and made an absolute tit of herself on karaoke, and would rather you, or anyone else didn't see it. Maybe she was trying out new hairstyles /makeup/clothes at home one day and would be embarrassed for you to see the pictures. Maybe she has a secret habit of taking pictures of stray cats and she'd be embarrassed for you to find out about it.

It could be anything.

Maybe there was nothing at all just your reaction of snapping her phone out of her hand pissed her off. I have children who I spend a lot of time teaching that it is rude to grab. I would be seriously pissed off if a grown adult snapped something out of my hand.

She may be cheating on you. She may not be cheating on you. She may just be cringing at some of the stuff on the phone. You are in a relationship, you don't need to be privy to every tiny detail of each others' lives. I'm sure there's one or 2 things you do that you don't necessarily share with her...?

deisemum

I don't blame her for being pissed off with you, I'd be pissed off if my husband or anyone for that matter grabbed my phone off me against my wishes. I view my phone in the same way I view my handbag, private unless I say it's ok to look in either not that there's anything I'm trying to hide in either.

She text you a couple of times during the afternoon to find out if you'd collect the thing and you only replied after the 3rd text when she took your failure to reply to previous texts as a no. Can you honestly not see how that would annoy her especially after what happened earlier?

indigo twist

In her position, I'd have ended the relationship too.

My phone is how I communicate with all of my family and friends. Often about private and personal matters. My close friends and family are not my partner's close friends and family. They discuss things with me that they would not necessarily feel comfortable discussing with him. Just because you're her boyfriend it doesn't mean you automatically have access to this private communication.

You don't respect her right to privacy. You don't respect her friends' right to privacy. You don't trust her.

You'd be doing both yourself and her a favour by at least taking a long break from each other.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly, both sides are at fault, but I genuinely think you should forget about her. From the way I read this (and I could be wrong) you told her not to take a picture of you (it annoys you) and she did. Alright, that's strike one. Next up, she was trying to delete stuff out of her phone in a desperate rush before handing the phone over to you (that's suspect) when that was never the case before now (she didn't help an already tense situation). Then you snapped it out of her hand, that's bad form. She wanted to do a 'thing'? Really? Five years and she can't just tell you? Did she honestly think the situation needed vagueness, a situation that by all accounts she had instigated? As for you? I get not wanting a thing done, and then someone acting sketchy when they do it, it's annoying, at best it's immature and if one party isn't in the mood, the other party should just stop messing about. The ignoring her messages was not entirely mature, but her reaction doesn't sound mature either...in fact, trying to shift the entirety of blame onto your reaction, and not acknowledging her instigation, is incredibly poor form. Five years together and she was willing to end it over this? I get privacy, but after five years people should be able to handle tense situations with their partner in a more mature manner than 'you did a thing I didn't like, I'm breaking up with you'.

The point is, just leave it. Seems like she was all too willing to be sketchy and quiet at all the wrong times, and you were too quick to anger and snap at her for this to just be about this one set of events. To end it that quickly, you two must've been on completely different pages and it honestly sounds like a really unhealthy situation to be in. We don't know the full range of dynamics, but clearly she started creating new dynamics for herself, began hiding things, being nonspecific and acted in a two-faced manner - saying she had acted spoiled and then blaming you later - so really, I'm amazed you two lasted five years given how quickly things went south.

Mr. Incognito

You have no right to forcably take her phone and then refuse to give it back and go through it.

Ever.

I would expect a dumping in the near future.

Novella

I would be pretty angry if a boyfriend grabbed my phone from my hand and started going through my private gallery too. I would say that my husband and I are open with our phones, as in he'd often have me read a text of his while he was driving or vice versa, but I would never think it's okay for me to look through his pictures or whatever. He has taken some pictures of me that I hate but I trust him not to embarrass me with them. He keeps them because he likes them or thinks they're cute/funny/endearing and that's fine.

If I were you I'd apologise for invading her privacy and try to move on.

ManOfMystery

You were in the wrong here. Being someone's boyfriend does not give you free rein to seize something they own and go through any private pictures/texts/etc that they have.

Luke92

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

You grabbed her phone from her, to go through her gallery?

I would have dumped you on the spot.

Maybe she WAS hiding something, who knows. By grabbing her phone from her to go through it, you've lost credibility though.

sounds like you're both better off apart, if you can't trust her.

She knows he doesn't like pictures been taken of him. Every right to delete it himself if she wouldn't. He didn't just grab the phone for no reason.

Penny Tration

Luke92 wrote: »

She knows he doesn't like pictures been taken of him. Every right to delete it himself if she wouldn't. He didn't just grab the phone for no reason.

having a picture taken does not give anyone the right to take another person's property.

ManOfMystery

Luke92 wrote: »

She knows he doesn't like pictures been taken of him. Every right to delete it himself if she wouldn't. He didn't just grab the phone for no reason.

I don't particularly like my photo being taken either, but if I grabbed the phone or camera off everyone who ever did it, I'd probably spend a lot of time in hospital. Just because it happened to be his girlfriend who took it doesn't mean he had a right to grab what she owns and go through it.

It's a photo - he'll get over it.

Luke92

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

having a picture taken does not give anyone the right to take another person's property.

You hardly expect the poor fella to get a court order for her to delete the picture! She took his picture he wanted it deleted, he took it upon himself to delete it. If she didn't have anything to hide (as she clearly did) she would have no problem with him taking the phone!

If I took a picture of my gf first thing in the morning after a nights drinking, she would probably murder me to have that picture deleted. She would do everything in her power to delete that picture, including trying to grab my phone.

I have nothing to hide so I don't mind. And I know she wouldn't mind if it was her taking my picture.

Penny Tration

Luke92 wrote: »

You hardly expect the poor fella to get a court order for her to delete the picture! She took his picture he wanted it deleted, he took it upon himself to delete it. If she didn't have anything to hide (as she clearly did) she would have no problem with him taking the phone!

If I took a picture of my gf first thing in the morning after a nights drinking, she would probably murder me to have that picture deleted. She would do everything in her power to delete that picture, including trying to grab my phone.

I have nothing to hide so I don't mind. And I know she wouldn't mind if it was her taking my picture.

i have nothing to hide from my partner, and he has nothing to hide from me. If either of us took each others phone, the taker would be dumped. It's about respect.

a photo is not a big deal. He either trusts her to delete it, or he can laugh it off. I don't like my photo being taken. My boyfriend takes embarrassing pictures of me all the time. I dunno if he deletes them, but i trust him not to plaster them on facebook. so no big deal.

ManOfMystery

Luke92 wrote: »

You hardly expect the poor fella to get a court order for her to delete the picture! She took his picture he wanted it deleted, he took it upon himself to delete it. If she didn't have anything to hide (as she clearly did) she would have no problem with him taking the phone!

If I took a picture of my gf first thing in the morning after a nights drinking, she would probably murder me to have that picture deleted. She would do everything in her power to delete that picture, including trying to grab my phone.

I have nothing to hide so I don't mind. And I know she wouldn't mind if it was her taking my picture.

As said above, it's not about hiding anything. Its about having enough mutual respect not to be snatching things off your partner.

Being in a relationship does not mean privacy goes out the window. What if there was some texts or similar on the phone from her family about an illness or something like that and he wasn't meant to see them? Do you think she has absolutely no right to keep anything private from her boyfriend, and if so then it means she must be hiding something from him or deceiving him? It shows a complete lack of maturity.

skallywag

You are indeed in the wrong OP, I would imagine you know that yourself.

Nonetheless, I would advise you to ignore some of the hysteria on this thread calling for you to be hung, drawn and quartered on the spot. Give it a little time, say a couple of days. Then apologise. You clearly have something good together if you have been together 5 years. Hopefully you can both take a lesson learned from the whole affair and put it behind you.

Good luck!

ShaShaBear

1. The constant use of the word "thing" is making me too curious

2. First thought in my head was actually that she had sorted a present, perhaps for an anniversary, birthday, Christmas? Maybe had videos of how it works/what kind to get etc and had this "thing" in her locker? Maybe after all the sketchiness, she wanted you to go and get it as maybe then you would understand what she was trying to hide?

I assumed OP was being vague about the thing so he wouldn't be identified, rather than the girlfriend being vague about it

In any case I have to agree that grabbing the phone off her and refusing to answer yes/no to a request in a sulk was out of order
I'm also taken aback that your first response is that she's cheating - it's her phone and she has every right to keep it private for any reason which may well be innocuous

osarusan

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Its about having enough mutual respect not to be snatching things off your partner.

Surely the mutual respect extends to her not taking photos of him, when she knows it will annoy him?

Yes, OP was wrong and overreacted, but he wasn't the only one.

All over now anyway, and over something as silly as this.

reprazant

Strange reaction from people. If the OP had said that his other half was being sketchy with her phone and deleting lots of things before allowing him to use it, I'd imagine that reactions would be different rather the ridiculous over the top reaction to him seemingly brutalising her privacy.

kristian12

Your reaction in grabbing her phone was not only wrong but childish however that doesn't mean she was in the right either. Taking your picture when she knows you don't like it also smacks of childishness.

I actually grabbed at my partners phone when it went off while it was alongside them the other day thinking it was mine. I was quickly asked "what the hell do you think you're doing". It had nothing to do with them not wanting me to see the caller but my grabbing of the phone.

If you have both calmed down I would suggest calling and asking to meet somewhere for coffee where you can apologise and ask how you can move forward as a couple. Maybe you can maybe you can't but you have nothing to lose by taking a sensible adult approach and talking.

December2012

Did you do this in work?

Bang out of line, you created a scene and acted in a very disrespectful, controlling and suspecting way.

Your ex should not have taken your picture, and if she was posting I would say that she was out of line doing that.

But you really over reacted. And to do it in a work environment is embarrassing, humiliating and inappropriate.

Dracula!

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

You grabbed her phone from her, to go through her gallery?

I would have dumped you on the spot.

Maybe she WAS hiding something, who knows. By grabbing her phone from her to go through it, you've lost credibility though.

sounds like you're both better off apart, if you can't trust her.

You would end a 5 year relationship on the spot over grabbing the phone ? That seems a bit harsh. I'm suprised so many agree. I'm making this comment to put a point of view out there that I think this is over the top as people can be influenced by such a strong statement.