Is it *probably* my baby?

LegacyUser

I don't know what to think about this. Can you give me your opinion?

TIMELINE:

1st September
My girlfriend moves out of my apartment. We go on a break. We don't see each other for one month. She moves to a different city.

Start of October
My girlfriend visits, we have sex. I don't use a condom. She tells me she had just finished her period (it normally comes at the end of the month). I remember asking her when did her period end and she said a few days ago. I remember thinking her answer seemed a bit weird, like she was lying, it was just the way she said it.

29 October
She does a pregnancy test and it says she's pregnant. Her period was maybe 1 day late.

5 November
She has an abortion.

I know I could be the baby's father. But this is why I worry:

1) In her previous relationship, when she had a fight with her boyfriend and he said "let's break up", she immediately (same night) had sex with his neighbour/friend. She was drunk.
2) When she's drunk she loses all inhibitions. I don't know if she was drinking during our break - she rarely drinks and she said she didn't, but who knows, she was in a different city.
3) She's been acting a little bit more careful with her phone the past few weeks. (Noticeably being more careful / hiding her screen).
4) She's very pretty and gets a lot of attention from men. She's naive as hell and doesn't realise all the "nice guys" she meets are just trying to sleep with her. It'd be very easy for a guy to be a shoulder to cry on, have a few drinks, and before she knows it she's had sex because she is uninhibited / stupid when she's drunk.
5) She doesn't use condoms.
6) We were on a break.
7) She has lied to me before.
8) She has no money, is young, is not Irish, and there would be extreme shame / problems if she got pregnant during a one night stand. (It'd be much easier - and she'd probably have no choice - to say it's mine).
9) She really really really doesn't want to break up. She wants to marry me. Obviously getting knocked up by some other guy would end our relationship.

She promises she didn't sleep with anyone else. Her preference was to keep the baby, which makes me think it was mine, but she already would have known I would not want her to keep it. She didn't put up much of a fight when I said I would prefer an abortion.

It's possible I am reading into her behaviour too much and being too suspicious. This is why I am asking for your opinions.

ABajaninCork

If she's had an abortion, then what exactly is the problem with that? You're clear on that front.

The main issue here is trust. Do you trust her? Yes?? Then I'd sit down and talk to her about what happened. Then move on. No?? Just break up with her.

It's as simple as that.

Assassin saphir

Op I think she's playing mind games with you. Was there ever a baby? Did you see the test? Sorry to sound harsh but you probably need to cut your loses and move on from her. As a female I know the games other girls can play to mess with your head especially when you break up.

Big Bag of Chips

It's difficult to know. You will never know. You don't know her days or dates. She may have known there was a chance she was pregnant before sleeping with you, and slept with you as the back up.

You seem to be laying an awful lot of blame at her feet. You know you are responsible for your own contraception don't you? She might want a baby. She might want a baby with you. But if you don't want a baby then it's up to you to take every reasonable precaution.

There is no baby now, so I don't know what good going over it is going to do. I don't mean to have a go at you, but you say about how naive she is, and fellas take advantage etc, but you can't see that is exactly what you've done. You had unprotected sex with her and then told her to have an abortion.

She seems like a very silly girl, but you're not innocent in all this either.

You both have unprotected sex.... Make sure to get a full STD screening before having sex with anyone again.

Shrap

Does it make a difference if it was you or someone else that she got pregnant with? Seeing as she's now not pregnant (and presuming she was). Your question "is it probably my baby?" is unanswerable because of your circumstances, and her's. If you had been in a relationship that wasn't off and on, then it would definitely be your's. What do you want to hear?

There is a much bigger question here OP, and it's WHAT possessed you to have sex without a condom if you didn't want to get a girl pregnant or get a sexually transmitted disease???? I'm the first* to say this here to you, but believe me I won't be the last. Not using protection is the height of irresponsibility to yourself, to the girl (who sounds like she isn't in her right mind, btw...) and to any potential baby that might result, if the girl had not decided to have an abortion.

TBH I'm not sure what kind of resolution you expect to get here? Do you need an answer to "is it my baby?" when the way you both conducted yourselves leaves that up for such question? You were on a break, then had sex with no condoms, you don't trust her, she wants to marry you and have children.......dear oh dear. Get a grip OP. You are lucky not to be a father soon and whatever you decide about your "girlfriend", use a bloody condom in future and get an std test. Tell the girl she should do the same.

*second

kjl

hmmmm, don't take much responsibility there do you.

The baby is or was clearly yours and assuming that your girlfriend or ex would actively get an abortion because the child is not yours says more about you really.

I don't normally get angry when replying to these posts but I feel that you showed no support at all and instead of offering support you told her to get an abortion.

I think you should stop seeing her because from what it sounds like you don't trust her and it sounds like she would be much better off without you.

LegacyUser

To add more information.

I told her she could keep the baby. I told her I would support her. But she wanted to get married before the baby is born. I've only known her a few months so I told her that isn't possible. I told her my preference is abortion as we have serious relationship problems and don't know each other so well. It was her decision to have the abortion.

She was definitely pregnant.

I am not a bad boyfriend. I financially support her (she doesn't work) and give her everything she wants. I just can't give her marriage. At least not for a few years after being in a happy relationship.

I didn't use a condom because she normally ovulates more than two weeks after her period. I know I took a risk. I accept responsibility for this.

I agree the answer is probably "there's nothing you can do now" and "if you don't trust her, end the relationship".

LegacyUser

Op you are damn lucky she had the abortion and didnt set out to screw you with years of child support. You both seem very naive and best thing to do is put this one down to experinence and move on, ie don't sleep with her and stop seeing her.

Big Bag of Chips

You said in your first post that she has sex without condoms. Condoms are there to protect you from more than pregnancy, you know. Her date of ovulation is irrelevant if she has picked up an STD from a previous partner.

Shrap

baby?_reply1 wrote: »

I didn't use a condom because she normally ovulates more than two weeks after her period. I know I took a risk. I accept responsibility for this.

This is a recipe for disaster ^^

You've just said you have serious relationship problems. Yup, I'd say so. One of those problems is that you're both clueless about human biology (or maybe just you - maybe she wanted to be pregnant). You HAVE to take responsibility for your lack of knowledge about fertility and std's. Please go and educate yourself, or you'll very quickly get her pregnant again, and abortions are mostly AVOIDABLE with contraception (even though their effectiveness is never 100%). It's her health (physical and emotional) I'm thinking about here. Make damn sure you don't help cause her to have another one, I'd suggest.

LegacyUser

I really not sure what you want to hear OP. No one, not even your GF, without a test can 100% say if the baby was yours or not. You can ask her if she had sex with someone else but from your own posts it doesn't sound like it matters what her reply is as you've made up your mind and won't believe her. She really really really doesn't want to break up you say, so what? I really really really want to date Brad Pitt but doesn't matter what I want. Do you actually want to date this woman? You don't paint a very nice picture of either yourself or her so why do you want to continue dating? You say it was her choice to have the abortion but then say she has no money and you are supporting so how do we know she wouldn't agree to anything you asked just to keep you happy and herself supported? Honestly you both sound very immature, your comments about sex prove that more. Break up and both of you consider not dating for a while till you get your heads screwed on right.

LegacyUser

Op you are unbelievably reckless when it comes to your sex life and your own health! Aside from possible becoming a dad when you least expect it there are alot of sexually transmitted infections that can be passed on through having unprotected sex.

Go and buy your self an endless supply of condoms and stop fooling around with your health and your livelihood. Also it might worth going for a full check up to make sure you haven't picked up any infections if you have been on a break and sleeping around with other people.

Check out http://www.guideclinic.ie/ or http://www.ifpa.ie/Sexual-Health-Services/STI-Services and have a read of all the sh1t you can contract through unprotected sex.

eviltwin

I'm not really sure what you're asking OP. You will never know for sure if the baby was yours or not. You can't dwell on it though. What is the point anyway? Do you think maybe you are feeling bad about the abortion, is that it? Has the reality of unprotected sex maybe shook you a bit now that you realise how close you were to having an unwanted child?

You made a mistake, it happens, don't beat yourself up too much over it. The important thing now is that you have an STD check and that you make sure you always have condoms around.

Neyite

You really need a LOT more information than that to establish if you fathered that pregnancy or not. Either way, she is not pregnant with a child you didn't want. I think you have more important concerns in your relationship - trust, infidilty and sexual health issues to concentrate on.

Are you sure she had an abortion? If she found out on 29th of October which was a Wednesday and exactly a week later, - or 5 working days - on the following Wednesday terminated the pregnancy, having discussed it with you, decided whether or not to terminate, book an appointment(s), book travel arrangements (presumably you are both in Ireland?), book termination and pay for all of these things, yet she does not work and you support her fully financially?

I'd be surprised if to get a dentist appointment in Ireland in that timeframe, let alone abort a wanted baby in a neighbouring country in a week.

Now, if you say you are abroad and can procure a termination easily fair enough, but I find it very hard to believe that a woman who wants the pregnancy would be able to make such a hard decision to terminate in only a week, especially since she was only about 5 weeks along, she had plenty of time to consider her options. Why the rush?

Or was she genuinely pregnant in the first place? Could she have faked a test?

Rubberchikken

she might be a great person, but i, for one, have always wanted an easy life. not always possible, but that's the way.
thing is i can't see why you would cling to someone who seems to be so much hassle.

she lies, sleeps with random males when drunk, tells you she's pregnant then says she had an abortion before anything is spoken about. i could go on, but this is not a healthy relationship.

do you have any close family you could speak to and see what advice they could offer?