Am I an abuser

hihi66

Right I have been married for 3 years. Never lived together before marriage. Both of us have tempers and the first year was full of agruments. But I have now been accused of abusing her twice. First time was about 18mts ago. Wife worked long hours at the time and would go mental if I got up during the night to go for a wee ( I have a problem that I do need to get up once a night) as I was disturbing her. Some times it would end with her pushing me out of the bed and I going to spare room. One night she went mad and tried to push me out so I decided to give her some of her own medicine and gave her a 3 pushes in the back to push her out of the bed ( didnt push her out). I taught it was not a big deal till next morning she text me that I have been reported to the gardai for physical abuse. Anyway roll on to now. In the middle of an argument she was shouting at me and not listening to my reply so I stupidly held her by the wrists to get her attention. She is now at her mums texting me how abusive I am. That I shout at her. But the fact is she started shouting at me first. And now I am verbally abusing her and physical abusing her.
I know of 1 person who was in a physical abusive relationship and I feel my wife is belittling the word. I am sick of her at this stage.

CaraMay

Tell her to stat at her mothers. Do ye have kids?

Idle Passerby

The two of you are abusive towards each other. Its not healthy behaviour to be using physical force during arguments regardless if any actual physical harm is done. In fact its worrying. The two of you need to work on how you deal with anger.

hihi66

CaraMay wrote: »

Tell her to stat at her mothers. Do ye have kids?

Yea 2. I did shout at her in front of them which was very wrong I know but I was replying to her flying off the handle and shouting at me. I was actually shouting at her that there was no need for her to shout at me I had only asked a question. But in her texts if I say that, she tells me that that is a sign of an abuser that I am trying to put the blame on her. And I am a bully and abuser. She is away 5 days of the week and the house is so much calmer.

LegacyUser

You both sound passive aggressive and immature. You are both equally to blame. You are both abusive to each other. I think a relationship needs both parties to be totally genuine and non abusive if one or both are aggressive or manipulating it's doomed.

You both need help and to change yourselves as individuals. You are both getting physically rough with each other and that is a very bad habit to get into you both need to stop it right now.

The problem is you both are in it so if one stops the other may not. It is a negative relationship you both are out of control.

It is very low level abuse but it will progress in her and you unless you both stop it.

LegacyUser

its not abuse but it could escalate to the point where you hit or if the cops get involved again people will think you are hitting her. either leave or ghet the 2 of you to couple counselling

bp

Abuse works both ways - her pushing and shouting at you is the exact same as you doing it to her.

I think you both need couples and individual counselling asap because it is not a healthy relationship.

How do you both treat the kids - are they shouted at. If she pushes/ hits (not sure if it has escalated to this yet)/ shouts at you you should consider reporting her, as I said men get abused too - just because you are the physically stronger sex doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I am not sure if you guys have a future but do go to counselling either way and maybe go to the spare room the odd night (or she go) as a comprise if she has a long shift

Oryx

In your post you make excuses for your behavior, saying you only did it because she did. You're asking us if you are abusive because you don't really think you are.

You are abusive. Your anger is not an appropriate way to react regardless of how you are provoked. It doesnt matter that you dont start it. Your wife is also abusive, as you describe her; but she may never acknowledge that, fixing her is not your solution. You can only work on your own reactions and behaviour, not hers.

You both need counselling but if she wont go, see someone on your own to try and find a better way to deal with your relationship. It may even be that you guys are just not good together and it may be healthier for you to be apart.

Rubberchikken

you don't mention your ages. are you both young? have you both been in healthy realtionships prior to this marriage?
how long did you both know each other before marriage?

it sounds like your both immature and imo don't have a clue about how to behave towards each other when in a mood.

her reaponse of ringing the gardai/running to mammy sounds ott for what occurred.

i'm not condoning any kind of physical/mental/verbal abuse. but knowing how to behave towards someone else when you're tired/cross/ is a learnt thing and won't come to either of you out of the blue.

is there couples counselling you could do together? get some skills to learn how to behave in a more mature way.

in the meantime, keep your hands and feet to yourself. it's safer that way for both of you.

ShowMeTheCash

Hey OP,

I would not take to much from the people posting here as they in my opinion are coming across somewhat judgmental and like me know nothing about you.

Standing up for yourself is not abuse, although some might try and convince you otherwise.

If a guy comes up to you in the bar and punches you in the face, punching him back is not abuse....

If your wife is big enough to try and physically kick you out the bed then I would have no sympathy for her if you decided to return the favour.

That being said. it does sound like you are in some kind of unhealthy scenario.

By the sounds of it you come across as a reactive
Your wife comes across as the abusive, either way it sounds like as already mentioned you are now bringing out the worst in each other.

I would sit her down have a real talk with her and both of you need to come to some kind of resolution. Make look at the reality of a seperation.

Dr. Lollington

Are you in love with your wife OP?

Rubberchikken

the behaviour of an idiot out of his head on drink/ or just being an idiot is not comparable to a husband and wife resorting to physical violence to sort out their problems.

Shrap

I definitely can't get too involved in this thread as it brought up unwelcome memories, such as exactly how horrible my ex and me were to each other.

To answer your question OP, yes you are an abuser and so is your wife. Of each other and of the children that your unholy wars are waged in front of. End of story really.

What you mentioned in your second comment was the shouting, but that's only the least you can say, isn't it? In my experience, physical pushing/grabbing out of anger between a couple is accompanied by roaring, screaming, shrieking, hurling abuse and accusations, crying, foul language, complete breakdowns in front of the children, smashing stuff, throwing things, and children stunned into silence/crying fits. Ring any bells OP?

Be a big boy and either split up or STOP.

The Governor

I can only go on exactly what you've said. But the first thing is the fact your wife loses the head at you for having to get up to the toilet, even though you have a medical problem. Thats not on at all, I don't give a ****e how long hours she works she can simply bring it up calmly rather than kicking you ffs. My take on it was if she has been doing this for loads of nights I wouldn't blame you for getting annoyed and pushing back.

The grabbing of the wrists theres no need for it, for instance if it was once cause ye were fighting and you were frustrated and wanted her to listen I can see a man or woman doing that, in future if she won't listen just let her off. However if you've done it more than once then yes, its abuse.

Tbh what I find worrying is the fact she does all this stuff like kicking you and verbally/emotionally abusing you and yet she can't see what she's like herself but able to report you.

This is just my opinion but again I can only advise on what you've written I'd be long gone from her tbh, I don't know if you just rub each other up the wrong way or what or if its just her and your building up frustration and snapping but don't waster your time with her anymore, she sounds extremely aggressive.

Can you describe your shouting arguments in more detail at all? Do you find yourself half afraid to tell her something in case she goes off on one? Do you often try to have things sorted before she arrives as you know she'll start over it? Does she regularly pick on you over small things and scream at you?

Do you yourself regularly pick on her over stuff unprovoked?

blatantrereg

Abuse, physical and verbal, occurs equally from male to female and female to male. The difference is that men are stronger and louder. A man shouting at a woman is more intimidating. A man being physical with a woman is far more likely to cause real physical harm. A man can physically restrain a woman a lot more easily than a woman can physically restrain a man. Therefore there is greater awareness of male to female abuse.

Grabbing someone who is weaker by the wrists "to make her listen" is abuse yes. There's clearly a high level of provocation, but that doesn't change the fact.

A woman pushing a man out of a bed because he disturbed her sleep is annoying, but I wouldn't see it as abuse. A man deciding to "give her a taste of her own medicine" is using his strength to physically dominate her - so yes that is abuse too.

You "both have tempers" - that's just a cop out. Everyone has a temper. An angry person can walk away just as easily as they can act aggressively. Unless they are being held by the wrists of course.

amdublin

At the moment this is not a good relationship. Both of you seem to be the cause of this.

Look up Relationship Ireland and seek counselling.

You sound level headed about the hot headedness now. Counselling will surely help you both.

Best of luck.

Blinkerz

OP,
I am surprised by many of the replies to this thread. There is a massive difference between someone who instigates violence and someone who stands up for themselves. Your partner is the agresser and she is trying to manipulate the situation to make herself look like the victim. Unfortunately in our society she will have no problem in doing this. Be very careful in this situation and keep a cool head.
My parents had a similar relationship. As a kid I really questioned my father's actions and asked the same type of questions you have. All I can say is that my father found a loving relationship with another woman who did not abuse him, my mother repeated the same behaviour over and over again and is ultimately alone.

yes there

Get out now. Tell her to stay where she is at. She is the instigator yet accuses you when you stand up for herself. She reported you witgout even talking with yuou about the incident. That speaks volumes to me along with the fact she cant see her own self as an abuser.

I know from experiemce that this will only get worse. She is the abuser not you.

dellas1979

Blinkerz wrote: »

OP,
There is a massive difference between someone who instigates violence and someone who stands up for themselves.

There most definitely is, but dont you think there is a better way to stand up for yourself than being abusive back? Especially when children are involved.

Fighting fire with fire is only going to add more to an already explosive situation.

Im afraid, OP, while I sympathise with you, that yes she is being abusive, you are choosing/have chosen the wrong way how to deal with this.