Don't know why boyfriend broke up with me

LegacyUser

So I was seeing a guy for about 9 months. Everything was going great until, he ended it a few months ago. I haven't gotten over it yet, and I am finding it hard to when I don't know why he broke up with me.

From the moment we met, we really hit it off. We had great chemistry and things were going very well. I sensed he was falling for me quicker than I was for him and after about 2 months of dating, he wanted to tell me he loved me (I wasn't at that point in our relationship yet), but it wasn't until maybe a month later that he did (he told me this afterwards).

Maybe at about 5 months into the relationship I was having doubts. I wasn't sure where they came from, but they were there. It was the first serious relationship for both of us, so maybe thats why I was uncertain. But eventually I got past those thoughts and had no doubts in my mind that I wanted to be with him.

A big problem, at least I thought, in our relationship was that we found it difficult being intimate. We both lived at home with our families, and they are set in their ways, so any sort of bedroom activities were next to impossible. It felt as though we couldn't be as close as we wanted to be. We tried to make do when our parents were away for a night or two.

Throughout the relationship he always seemed to be the driver of things, like saying that he loved me first, suggesting to go away for the weekend together, even going abroad on holidays. I always thought he was crazy about me.

But ever since we went on holidays, maybe 2 months before he broke up with me, he became distant. We decided to go abroad on holidays. It was actually his idea. We were in a hotel for 3 nights, and I was expecting that we would both be all over each other in the privacy of our own room. It wasn't like that at all. It seemed like I had to make all the moves and nearly convince him to do things.

When we got back, he started to become more and more distant. He started doing night courses, which took up a lot of his time and he was also planning on going abroad for a year to study (he told me this when we first met so that wasn't a surprise). He began contacting me less and less, saying that he was busy in work or with his courses. I asked him if everything was okay between us and of course he said it was fine. But then two weeks later I rang him to get a real explanation and thats when he broke it off with me.

I was upset, but kept my cool. His explanation was that he was too busy for a relationship and that he was going abroad soon so it wouldn't work out. He said he wanted to stay in contact, and that we could meet up now and then. I guess I was a bit foolish at the time and believed him. He did this all over the phone.

The next day I ask him to meet me face to face and talk things through. He agreed, but kept putting it off, saying that he was in work late or feeling sick. I eventually just told him to contact me when he was available and we can meet. The only time I heard from him in the 6 months since was when he wished me a Happy Birthday.

I went silent for about a month after the breakup, then I tried to reach out a couple of times. I texted him and got no response. I felt completely heartbroken. We had a great relationship and now he just completely ignores me and I don't know why.

Can anyone give me some advice on what happened? He seemed so crazy about me up until a couple of months before we broke up, I don't know how he could change so much. We never had any fights, and there wasn't even an arguement when we broke up. Even if he did just lose interest in me, I don't understand why he has completely blanked me out of his life. I didn't do anything wrong to him, how could he be so cruel?

Sorry for the big post, but I just felt I had to get it out. Hopefully it makes some sense reading it and I haven't bored you.

I am just hoping for an explanation for his behaviour. Thank you.

strobe

His explanation could well be the case. He was going away for a year, didn't want to do a long distance thing so thought it was best to end things.

As for him not contacting you, well I doubt he was being cruel, "going no contact" is generally considered by people to be the best course of action when a relationship ends, particularly if it's not exactly a mutual thing. He was probably hoping to soften the blow by saying you could meet up every now and again etc, and may well have meant it when he said it, but thought better of it.

Relationships ending, especially first relationships, is always crappy. But better for him to end things if he wasn't committed, whatever his reasons for feeling like that are. And I know it's hard but not meeting up every now and again or continuing contact is often the best course of action, for both people involved, when they do end too.

LegacyUser

strobe wrote: »

His explanation could well be the case. He was going away for a year, didn't want to do a long distance thing so thought it was best to end things.

I really hope that was the reason, but why would he end it months before he leaves?

strobe wrote: »

As for him not contacting you, well I doubt he was being cruel, "going no contact" is generally considered by people to be the best course of action when a relationship ends, particularly if it's not exactly a mutual thing. He was probably hoping to soften the blow by saying you could meet up every now and again etc, and may well have meant it when he said it, but thought better of it.

I just wish he was honest with me. He was giving me false hope that we would remain in contact. Even after I reached out he could have at least said something like "I think it's best if we not contact each other for a while" instead of being so cold and ignoring me. It is a horrible feeling being ignored.

strobe wrote: »

Relationships ending, especially first relationships, is always crappy. But better for him to end things if he wasn't committed, whatever his reasons for feeling like that are. And I know it's hard but not meeting up every now and again or continuing contact is often the best course of action, for both people involved, when they do end too.

I have avoided contacting him for a long time, but I can't get him out of my head. I think it's because in my mind I still think there is a chance, even if logic is telling me otherwise. I just wish he was honest with me. It would have made things much easier.

Should I try to reach out again? I feel I can't move on without an explanation.

Loughc

heartofcoal wrote: »

Should I try to reach out again? I feel I can't move on without an explanation.

No, no & no. He's already given you an explanation to end things and while it may not make much sense to you it won't change. It might not be the complete reason but if he's not man enough to give you a full and proper reason that's more on him than you.

He's made it clear by not replying to you that he doesn't want you to reach out or talk to you. It may seems harsh but it does make things better, there's no false hope, no one being led on or getting their wires crossed!

You have your closure in the sense he doesn't want a relationship with you, the why won't seem as important when you find someone new and you will just give it time!

Stavro Mueller

This sounds like a relationship that was breaking up for a long time. The holiday seems to have been the beginning of the end. Having to almost coax him into doing things was an ominous sign. Perhaps that was when he realized it was a mistake. Also, being busy with work, college etc. is the oldest excuse in the book. By rights your ex should've ended this long before he did.

There may not be any great explanation for what happened. The going abroad plan may be one reason but I'm more inclined to think he just wasn't feeling it.

Staying in contact with exes is usually a terrible idea. Especially as in a case like yours where you're not over him and still have feelings. All you'd be doing is giving yourself false hope. What he said about staying in touch may have been meant sincerely at the time. He may have been softening the blow but has since changed his mind. There is also the possibility that he has a new girlfriend.

At this stage he owes you nothing. I've seen posts here from people whose heads are melted because they need an explanation. There isn't always one explanation as such- this isn't an American tv drama. All you need to know is that he doesn't want to go out with you and ended things.

Barely There

He's just not into you.


That's all the explanation or closure that you need.

Try to stop thinking about it and move on.

Penny Tration

Ah op, he DID give you an explanation. You may not believe it, but he gave one.

be honest - you don't want to contact him for an explanation. You want to contact him in the hope of getting back together.

no good will come of it. It'll just wreck your head further .

ThatFatGal

Barely There wrote: »

He's just not into you.


That's all the explanation or closure that you need.

Try to stop thinking about it and move on.

THIS

LegacyUser

Barely There wrote: »

He's just not into you.


That's all the explanation or closure that you need.

Try to stop thinking about it and move on.

I wish it was that easy. I wish I could hate him for what he did, just so it would make it easier to get over him, but I have no ill feelings towards him and still care for him a lot which makes it so much more difficult.

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

Ah op, he DID give you an explanation. You may not believe it, but he gave one.

be honest - you don't want to contact him for an explanation. You want to contact him in the hope of getting back together.

no good will come of it. It'll just wreck your head further .

It's true. I would get back with him in an instant if I could. I've tried getting over him, keeping myself busy, going out with friends, dating other guys. None of it seems to help and he is still there in my mind every single day.

I don't know if it's normal to still be thinking of your ex after such a long time after a breakup. I wish it could be like that film Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind and I could erase all memories of him.

Eeden

Maybe if you just keep reminding yourself that he doesn't want to be with you, it will help you to get over him.

Stavro Mueller

You also can't be sure that he doesn't have another girlfriend at this stage, travel or no travel. In answer to your question, there is no time limit to how long it takes someone to get over an ex. It takes what it takes unfortunately and sadly there's no real-life Lacuna Inc out there!

It also goes to show that keeping in contact with an ex is a terrible idea. If you think you're missing him now, imagine how hard it would be if you were still in touch with him and he cut contact down the road. Even if it was only as "friends" he'd be filling the boyfriend void in your life and stopping you from accepting the less pleasant reality. Perhaps you're using your perceived "lack of closure" as a way of keeping things alive in your mind? As I said before, this relationship sounds like it was on its last legs for quite a while before your ex ended things. In hindsight, that holiday you took should've set massive alarm bells ringing.

Anyway there's not a lot else I can advise you to do other than what you're doing. In time your ex will start to fade away in your mind. Don't worry for now about meeting someone else. Take each day as it comes and see how you go with that

Also, you may be better off not knowing his real reasons for breaking it off if there are some. Do you really want to hear that you started boring him, your laugh was annoying, you weren't that great in bed or that you had other annoying habits that started grating on him. Most people when they break up try to avoid saying hurtful things and hate that they're hurting their soon to be ex.