Am I Crazy

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 11 years (since the age of 16). We have been living together for the past year. Recently there has been discussion of marriage and progress in our relationship. We get on well together and she is a great girl. I can imagine her being a great wife and partner in life. I am planning on proposing to her soon but I feel uneasy with the idea. The problem is that because we have been together throughout our teenage years and 20’s, I feel like I have missed out on meeting other girls and casual relationships. I am conflicted as I know I would not find another girl that is as good as her yet I still have a desire to look.

pookie82

Are you in love with her? Or do you just think of her as a best friend now owing to the amount of time you've been together?

LegacyUser

What should love be like after such a long term relationship? Is it the blissful feeling you get in the honeymoon period at the beginning of a relationship? That has obviously faded over the years but I care for her, love being with her, try to make her happy, am still attracted to her etc. Does that mean we are now just best friends or is that what love changes into over time?

LegacyUser

anonymous_guy wrote: »

The problem is that because we have been together throughout our teenage years and 20’s, I feel like I have missed out on meeting other girls and casual relationships.

You wouldn't be the first to feel that way, so don't feel bad about it, but you also managed to miss out on the process of searching for someone and going through failures, rejection, fear of not finding the one for you, feeling like time is running out etc. that a lot of people go through. I did all those things you feel you're missing out on and I'm not sure I'm better off for it. I had a lot of fun, but I wish I'd met my girlfriend sooner.

If you really do love her and want to be with her forever, that's a great thing and it might be best to appreciate it and look after the relationship rather than look outside it.

pookie82

anonymous_guy wrote: »

What should love be like after such a long term relationship? Is it the blissful feeling you get in the honeymoon period at the beginning of a relationship? That has obviously faded over the years but I care for her, love being with her, try to make her happy, am still attracted to her etc. Does that mean we are now just best friends or is that what love changes into over time?

Well yes, the initial honeymoon period DOES fade out into a more steadfast, long term, comfortable love. But it shouldn't lose its spark entirely. She shouldn't feel more like a mate than a lover.

When you look into your future, can you imagine one without her? Do you want her to be the one beside you every step of the way? Do you want her to be the mother of your kids? Don't answer in the sense that "I know she'll be great at all that". Really think about if you want HER to be that woman.

If there's a part of you that has doubts about it, proposing is not going to do you any favours. The stress that descends on a couple post engagement in trying to both save for and plan a wedding seems to be profound and can test a lot of couples (I haven't been through it myself but I've seen it a lot).

If you're ultimately very curious about what else is out there, it's not very fair to commit to her now. Yes you might throw away the woman of your dreams on a hunch, but if you leave that itch unscratched, what if it haunts you for the rest of your life?

No one here can really tell you to "stay" or "go". And if you do go, you might never get the chance to go back.

So the only thing I can think to ask yourself is this: "can I conceive of any possible future without her in it?" And if you think you can, then maybe you should share your doubts with her.

Have you ever spoken to her about never having been with anyone but each other? Maybe she has the same concerns!

sunnyt

Hi op. Pookie 82 has summed it up. Are you in love with her or do you love her as a friend? You are both still young enough to move on and meet someone else if you decide that the 'in love' aspect of your relationship has passed. A friend recently went through a broken engagement-her fiance broke up with her. He said he never felt 100% right about the proposal but went ahead with it anyway because that was the next obvious step on their pathway together. The wedding was booked, people were invited and eventually the would be groom decided he couldn't go through with the wedding. Six months after the break-up my friend has said that she felt it wasn't right either but she didn't want to hurt him. A frank discussion between both of them a year and a half ago could have saved both of them a lot of hurt (and money!). That's easier said than done and I have never been in your position but an engagement is a huge step so make sure it's the right one for both of you. Talk to your girlfriend. She sounds lovely. You may decide that she is the one for you and your worries may vanish! You won't know until you talk to her.
On a different note I suppose no-one has it all. Perfect relationships do not exist. Far away hills may be greener from afar but you won't know until you go there and then it may be too late to turn back.
You've a bit of thinking and talking to do. I hope it all works out for you.

gaynorvader

How has living together been? In my experience 1 year isn't really enough time to be sure, I'd be more inclined to see how you feel after 2 or 3 years living together and see if you still are comfortable with it. Honestly though, you wife should be your best friend among other things. If you do propose, I'd recommend not rushing to get married, give it time.
Also don't worry about other women/relationships you may or may not have had, you'll only drive yourself nuts. What ifs can be fun, but you should never base any large decisions around them. It sounds like you have a great relationship with this girl, don't throw it away on a glorified ideal of single life.

Best of luck

B.A._Baracus

I think we can all understand where you are coming from, op.
You never did the casual relationships and having fun. One night stands and the like when you were younger. Now that marriage is on the cards you are getting jitters as by marrying you'll never get to do that

But you wanna know something? it aint what it's cracked up to be. A good woman is worth her weight in gold in this world. Reality is, if you don't put a ring on that good womans hand ... another will.

I'm with my girlfriend for nearly 5 years. Love her and she is worth her weight in gold too. I'm gonna marry her. But when I think back to before her and the small amount of experiences i've had (can count them with my fingers) .. there's no comparison.

Being single sucks. Dating game sucks. Going out to pubs and trying to 'you know yourself' sucks...

LegacyUser

From what you have told us your a couple for a long time. You need to be honest with yourself has your girlfriend gone into the friend zone. Did you move in together because you felt it would buy you some more time with her? Did you want to find out more about her to see if you should get married?
Did you move in together because it stopped you making a decision to get engaged before now? I know men who moved in with there girlfriends to keep the her. She was expecting that after a year they would be talking about engagement/marriage/children when he wanted her but had no interest in getting engaged/married or having children.
Who mentioned moving in together - did it happen to suit you/her at the time or was it a joint decision?

Is the engagement talk some thing she brought up - when are we getting married/ friends are getting married. My mother keeps asking me if we have any news ect.

Also if you have been a couple for 11 years why are you only living together for a year?

From what you have told us I would chat to you girlfriend and ask her would she be happy if we took a break from each other for the next 6 months? I would say to her that we have been together for a long time and that you feel it would be good to spend some time apart. She might be keen to do this also.
If you decide to do this I would not be worried about what parents/family/friends say.
This is a chance for you both to spend time apart and to find out if long term you have a future. After this period of time you may realise that long term the relationship is right for you both or you may decided long term your relationship has ran it's course.

One of my relatives was in a relationship for a while. She was keen to get married and have a family but her boyfriend was unsure. She decided to split up for a while and that they could both meet other people if they wished. After a few months apart he realised that far away hills were not greener but unless he wanted the same things as her she was moving on with out him.
They are married a few years now with a family.

catonthewire

Simply put some spark back into your relationship, how do you achieve this?...
Sit down and talk honestly to the girl whom you so obviously love and adore...

11 years is a long time , many marriages hit rocky patches even before this length of time, but couples work through their issues together..
Could you plan a weekend away from your normal surroundings?
An intimate weekend just for yourselves, don't feel under pressure to propose , just relax and enjoy your time together..
After this, if you still feel as you do, I agree with the poster above, suggest a short break, timeout for both of you to evaluate your relationship...
Please though be honest, let her know exactly how you.are feeling ...