Friendship Advice needed ladies!

musicalme

Hope i'm in the right thread!

Myself (a lady of 25) and my friend (a guy) have been best friends for over 20 years. Nothing has ever happened romantically between us and it never will. We are genuinely just best friends.

Anyway, my mates girlfriend hasn't been very nice to me and now she hates when we are together just hanging out even if its just ordering a chinese or going for a drive. She goes mad at him. I'd never make him pick between us or anything but the other day he said to me when we were getting food "Don't be telling anyone when we're hanging out she will go mad". I can understand it from that point of view, but I actually felt a bit hurt. It's not that i'd go around telling everyone we went to the supermarket together (cause we are so boring!) but I felt sorta disrespected in a way as If my feelings don't matter.

I've had 2 previous boyfriends and I would never go on like that. If they were horrible to my mate in anyway i'd make sure they apologised or what ever. My main point is i'd never hurt my friends to please a boyfriend. I felt like such an inconvenience.

Am I wrong to feel annoyed at him & a bit hurt?

Hold the Cheez Whiz

musicalme wrote: »

Hope i'm in the right thread!

Myself (a lady of 25) and my friend (a guy) have been best friends for over 20 years. Nothing has ever happened romantically between us and it never will. We are genuinely just best friends.

Anyway, my mates girlfriend hasn't been very nice to me and now she hates when we are together just hanging out even if its just ordering a chinese or going for a drive. She goes mad at him. I'd never make him pick between us or anything but the other day he said to me when we were getting food "Don't be telling anyone when we're hanging out she will go mad". I can understand it from that point of view, but I actually felt a bit hurt. It's not that i'd go around telling everyone we went to the supermarket together (cause we are so boring!) but I felt sorta disrespected in a way as If my feelings don't matter.

I've had 2 previous boyfriends and I would never go on like that. If they were horrible to my mate in anyway i'd make sure they apologised or what ever. My main point is i'd never hurt my friends to please a boyfriend. I felt like such an inconvenience.

Am I wrong to feel annoyed at him & a bit hurt?

On the one hand, I have a male friend from college who is one of my best friends and I even used to live with, and nothing ever happened between us (and never will). SO I get where you're coming from.

On the other hand, the fact that your friend is sneaking around to hang out with you seems like a bad sign. Put yourself in the GF's shoes: if your mate is lying to her (or lies of omission) to hang out with you, can't you see how she would be suspicious of your relationship?

musicalme

Thats true. Rather than being honest with her he's making things worse for himself.

Sauve

Hi OP,

I'm going to move this thread to the Personal Issues thread, I think you'll get more advice there.

Best of luck,
Sauve

Shrap

musicalme wrote: »

Anyway, my mates girlfriend hasn't been very nice to me and now she hates when we are together just hanging out even if its just ordering a chinese or going for a drive. She goes mad at him.

This is pertinent OP, because of your other thread. The one where your four year relationship ended a few months ago? It can't be coincidental, can it? As in it's very common for a partner to become thoroughly insecure about their other half hanging around with someone of the opposite sex who is newly single, probably attractive and possibly renewing an old friendship that wasn't threatening when both friends were in relationships, but is now potentially a temptation to stray....

You see it all the time. A couple I know split up recently and now the newly single woman is feeling like some of her female "friends" are hanging onto their man around her as if she's likely to jump straight into bed with any of them. It's a pity you're not actually friends with this woman as well as with her fella, your old friend. If you were, you'd at least be in a position to say/show you're no threat to her. Her reaction is pretty understandable though, and common, even if it shows up her lack of trust in her OH and her insecurities.

I doubt if you're naive enough not to have thought that through already OP.

Edit: I went fishing though your other posts OP and found the one about how disappointed you are that your friend isn't there for you because of this woman, and how you wish he'd never got together with her. Do you think he should be there for you at the expense of his relationship? Because, right now, it appears he has been putting his relationship at risk for you, from what he's said to you about keeping your meetings secret. Don't you think you have a duty to respect his relationship and maybe find another friend to "help you through a hard time"?

Shrap

Ps. Tell me this isn't the same fella from your other thread who's been trying to kiss you?!

musicalme

Jaysis Strap... sort out my life will you?! No not same fella!! My best mate ... I would never let him put his relationship on the line for me at all. She makes him happy so im genuinely happy for him. Wouldn't want him upset. Just miss him thats all

Shrap

musicalme wrote: »

Jaysis Strap... sort out my life will you?! No not same fella!! My best mate ... I would never let him put his relationship on the line for me at all. She makes him happy so im genuinely happy for him. Wouldn't want him upset. Just miss him thats all

Ha! Ok, sorry. Just that I saw the other thing about him and thought oh-oh....and then I'd already replied to your thread about the one who was trying to kiss you and thought oh-oh some more!

It is a pity your friend's OH is having a strop about you, but like I said it's really common when you're newly single and your friend's OH is clearly having issues with this.

walshb

musicalme wrote: »

Jaysis Strap... sort out my life will you?! No not same fella!! My best mate ... I would never let him put his relationship on the line for me at all. She makes him happy so im genuinely happy for him. Wouldn't want him upset. Just miss him thats all

You can always text him or call him now and again, but the meeting up and going for drives, of course the girlfriend would be annoyed. I don't blame her.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

musicalme

Good idea actually sarahfierce. Thanks a mill. Ill probably do that so invite them both to something! Cheers

tinz18

If I can give you a pointer- when you do invite the pair of them to hang try and make an effort to keep conversation in the general sphere and make an effort to find something in common with her. You're just going to make her feel more isolated if the pair of ye start reminiscing about when so-and-so did this and so-and-so did that or start with little in-jokes. Most girls don't even realize they're doing it but it can come across as you trying to show her how constant you've been in his life while she's just a blip with the added effect of making her feel like the third wheel. Hope it goes well!

Tiddlypeeps

walshb wrote: »

You can always text him or call him now and again, but the meeting up and going for drives, of course the girlfriend would be annoyed. I don't blame her.

I hate this crap. If the girlfriend is so insecure that she can't handle her partner having friends of the opposite sex even tho he has given her no reason to distrust him then that is on her. The partner shouldn't be punished because of her insecurities. It is completely unfair to ask someone to give up a really good friend because you have low self esteem. However that's his issue to deal with.

I would be pretty pissed at any friend that asked me to keep our friendship secret from their OH. I would not be part of it, as I'd very likely get the brunt of the animosity when the OH finds out. This would probably result in the friend being in a position where they have to choose, but I wouldn't feel bad or responsible for that because it was not me that forced the ultimatum, it was the girlfriend.

That might sound harsh, but him going behind is girlfriends back like that might as well be cheating even if there is nothing sexual to the relationship, it's still dishonest in the extreme. So I would want absolutely no part in that.

IlmoNT4

There are a few things going on here that isnt too cool

1. Your friend is lying to his girlfriend about hanging out with you
2. His girlfriend doesnt like him hanging out with you...perhaps its because he lies about it? But there is a trust issue there which is outside of you and you should keep it that way
3. Your friendship has the potential to end his relationship

All of this is drama, perhaps take a step away from the friendship and see what happens. This lady has her issues with you for some reason. Who wants to sneak around to hang out with a friend? Ultimately if he wants this relationship to work out in the long run, then its up to him to establish boundaries in his relationship so that he's not sneaking around.

walshb

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

I hate this crap. If the girlfriend is so insecure that she can't handle her partner having friends of the opposite sex even tho he has given her no reason to distrust him then that is on her. The partner shouldn't be punished because of her insecurities. It is completely unfair to ask someone to give up a really good friend because you have low self esteem. However that's his issue to deal with.

I would be pretty pissed at any friend that asked me to keep our friendship secret from their OH. I would not be part of it, as I'd very likely get the brunt of the animosity when the OH finds out. This would probably result in the friend being in a position where they have to choose, but I wouldn't feel bad or responsible for that because it was not me that forced the ultimatum, it was the girlfriend.

That might sound harsh, but him going behind is girlfriends back like that might as well be cheating even if there is nothing sexual to the relationship, it's still dishonest in the extreme. So I would want absolutely no part in that.

The real world doesn't work like that. Man and woman being very close will never sit well with their partners. It's natural. The girl in this instance should pull back. The guy should have a little more consideration for his partner, and possible life life partner. By the sounds of this the girl and the boy are spending as much time together as he spends with his actual girlfriend. That can't sit well. He needs to pull back, or his friend needs to.

Tiddlypeeps

walshb wrote: »

The real world doesn't work like that. Man and woman being very close will never sit well with their partners. It's natural. The girl in this instance should pull back. The guy should have a little more consideration for his partner, and possible life life partner. By the sounds of this the girl and the boy are spending as much time together as he spends with his actual girlfriend. That can't sit well. He needs to pull back, or his friend needs to.

If the boy and girl had a romantic history then I would somewhat understand the girlfriends discomfort. But outside of that it's purely the girlfriends own unfounded insecurities that are the problem. Just because it's not uncommon for some people to feel this way does not make it right. I know I wouldn't put up with it for one second and anyone that does is setting a pretty poor precedent for the rest of their relationship. That's neither here no there tho, as I mentioned in my last post it's not the OP's place to fight that battle.

I also agree that OP should back off, but for different reasons. Not out of respect for the girlfriend, who is being completely unreasonable. But out of not allowing herself to be disrespected by her friend who is putting her in a crappy situation that could easily blow up on her.

R.D. aka MR.D

You know i've actually been on both sides of this story.

I've been a jealous girlfriend and i've been the friend that the girlfriend was jealous of.

Others have given you good advice in: befriend the girlfriend. There is nothing worse than having your boyfriend's female friends be distant or rude to you. It starts to plant a seed of doubt in your mind about whether they resent you or not.

I have mostly male friends and any time that i've had a problem, it's usually that the girl is the type of girl who simply does not believe that men and women can be friends. I understand it, some people are only friends with people of their own sex. It's their own personal experience and you aren't going to change it.

You just have to do your best to respect their relationship. This is the person that your friend chooses to be with. If you don't like her, too bad, you're going to see less of him. Unfortunately, that's life because it's not your place to get between them.

Also, your friend is sneeking around and lying? So maybe his gf has reason to be annoyed? That's not your fault, it's his.