Regretting breaking up with my boyfriend, what should I do?

chellyry

My boyfriend and I had a big(ish) fight at the weekend. Without going into too much detail he drove over to my house in the early hours of the morning after a night of fairly heavy drinking, we had a fight over a silly little thing, I told him to **** off (not meaning literally, just to stop what he was doing), he got back into the car, I did my very best to stop him from drink driving again but he wouldn't listen. I took the keys, begged him not to and eventually told him that if he drove away he'd be single. He drove away. I considered calling the guards on him to stop him but decided against it because he'd be home before they'd even get him and it would defeat the purpose and just get him into trouble.

Thank God he got home without hurting himself or anyone else and the next day started telling me how sorry he was. I've threatened things before when he's acted completely out of order but always given in in the end when he's promised he'll never do them again, so I didn't want to back down this time because he'll never take me seriously. I told him it's over and that he has no one to blame but himself.

But now I'm kind of regretting it. I'm totally and utterly head over heels about him. We've been together for five years and most of it has been great. I feel like I've thrown away a good relationship over a silly little fight. But I don't want him to think that he can just use the 'I'm really sorry, I'll never do it again' card every time he does something wrong. Or that he can get away with drink driving again.

I'm so confused, what should I do.

Saipanne

Honestly, he sounds like a nightmare. I'd say stay as you are, you'll find a mature partner next time.

retro:electro

It's all very well him saying sorry now but it's too late. I have zero tolerance for drink drivers. I think it's very commendable what you did and although it must be hard for you id stick to my guns on this one if I were you. He could have killed someone with this stupidity. I would find his actions a big turn off. He sounds immature and selfish and you sound too good to put up with crap like that.

Stavro Mueller

This is the same guy who assaulted you when drunk, right? At best it sounds like he has a drink problem.

Saipanne

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

This is the same guy who assaulted you when drunk, right? At best it sounds like he has a drink problem.

Lovely guy...

LegacyUser

To be honest OP it sounds like he has really got you suckered judging by the fact you are already regretting your actions. Imagine if he had killed somebody on the way home, would you be regretting it then? Disgraceful behavior on his part and I can't believe you are even thinking of giving him a second chance or regretting your decision.

You have been together five years

chellyry wrote: »

and most of it has been great. I feel like I've thrown away a good relationship over a silly little fight.

and in that period he has assaulted you and now driven off in a rage while hammered.

The fact that you are already regretting this says you will just keep going back to him for more and more. How you can condone behavior like that?

He drove away drunk knowing the full implications of his actions, once he sobered up he is already back on the blower apologizing and looking for another chance.
How many chances are you going to give him?

You should really think of your own mental health and the damage you are doing to yourself by staying with him. Did you ever contact Womens Aid or Al anon in relation to your partners behavior, it might be worth your while to go along to a meeting to see what you are dealing with.

Aside from a drink problem he sounds like an abusive, selfish, emotionally immature person who is prone to fits of rage when he doesn't get what he wants. He sounds very dodge with drink on him and that's not the behavior of your typical guy who goes out for a night on the beer.

LegacyUser

He sexually assaulted you, you stayed with him. He drink drives, putting his, and others lives at risk - you want him back. What else are you going to let him away with?

Of course you still love him, he's a manipulative abuser with drink and anger / violence issues. A few I'm sorries and I love yous and you're back at square one.

See this for what it really is op. YOU WERE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Stay out for your own good, and because I'm dreading your next thread.

chellyry

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

This is the same guy who assaulted you when drunk, right? At best it sounds like he has a drink problem.

I see where you're coming from and I know he sounds bad, but this forum is for posting about the bad things so it's hard to get a proper overall image of what he's like. He can be really caring too.

Stavro Mueller

Well, if you feel you can get back with him he's going to have to tackle that drink problem of his.

Saipanne

chellyry wrote: »

I see where you're coming from and I know he sounds bad, but this forum is for posting about the bad things so it's hard to get a proper overall image of what he's like. He can be really caring too.

Doesn't matter, in my opinion. Doesn't matter if he volunteers at homeless shelters and donates all his money to charity. Guys who hit women are beneath contempt.

Tigger99

Op find your local Al anon (for family/partners) of those with a drink problem. I think it'll make you evaluate if this is what you want for your future. You cannot change his behaviour, only decide what you need.

So he's drunk driven and sexually assaulted you while drunk. What about if you have children, could you trust your baby to this man?

retro:electro

Tigger99 wrote: »

Op find your local Al anon (for family/partners) of those with a drink problem. I think it'll make you evaluate if this is what you want for your future. You cannot change his behaviour, only decide what you need.

So he's drunk driven and sexually assaulted you while drunk. What about if you have children, could you trust your baby to this man?

From what I gather the OP does have a child with him.

Oink

Oh wow?!

Sexual assault, drink problem, drunk driving?

I'm not even going to read that other thread. No. No. Just, NO!

[edit] there's a child involved???? For the love of everything that's holy OP, for your own sake, get this piece of garbage away from you or your child.

catonthewire

chellyry wrote: »

My boyfriend and I had a big(ish) fight at the weekend. Without going into too much detail he drove over to my house in the early hours of the morning after a night of fairly heavy drinking, we had a fight over a silly little thing, I told him to **** off (not meaning literally, just to stop what he was doing), he got back into the car, I did my very best to stop him from drink driving again but he wouldn't listen. I took the keys, begged him not to and eventually told him that if he drove away he'd be single. He drove away. I considered calling the guards on him to stop him but decided against it because he'd be home before they'd even get him and it would defeat the purpose and just get him into trouble.

Thank God he got home without hurting himself or anyone else and the next day started telling me how sorry he was. I've threatened things before when he's acted completely out of order but always given in in the end when he's promised he'll never do them again, so I didn't want to back down this time because he'll never take me seriously. I told him it's over and that he has no one to blame but himself.

But now I'm kind of regretting it. I'm totally and utterly head over heels about him. We've been together for five years and most of it has been great. I feel like I've thrown away a good relationship over a silly little fight. But I don't want him to think that he can just use the 'I'm really sorry, I'll never do it again' card every time he does something wrong. Or that he can get away with drink driving again.

I'm so confused, what should I do.

You decided not to report him on the grounds that he would have been home..
The majority of people who are killed or seriously injured by drink drivers are going home!!!!!....

This guy is obviously a bully with a drink problem, how do I know?..
I was once married to one, oh yes like yours he could be so loving....
Leopards never change their spots, get rid of him asap and look for a decent bloke...

Shrap

chellyry wrote: »

But now I'm kind of regretting it. I'm totally and utterly head over heels about him. We've been together for five years and most of it has been great. I feel like I've thrown away a good relationship over a silly little fight. But I don't want him to think that he can just use the 'I'm really sorry, I'll never do it again' card every time he does something wrong. Or that he can get away with drink driving again.

I'm so confused, what should I do.

It's not a good relationship OP. You have not thrown it away either - you have drawn a line in the sand about your personal limits for his bad behaviour on drink, he has crossed it and thrown it away himself. He did it. You just stood up for your self and he walked all over you. I won't even go into what I think of his previous assault on you, but I think you should definitely try to hold in your head that you've dodged a bullet here by ending it with him.

You are a mother of a little boy, yes? You would expect your little boy to say "I'm really sorry, I'll never do it again" and you to tell him what the consequences are if he does. When (because they all do, don't they?) he does this bold thing again, and you don't follow through with the consequences, what happens? He doesn't take you seriously, finds out your limits are not a real line, and he will continue to push the limits to find out how far he can go.

I can see you already recognised this behaviour in your ex, but I don't think you've realised that you were being a parent of two little boys. Only a juvenile, irresponsible and manipulating person would push you to these limits again and again. Wake up OP. Have some self-respect, seriously. Otherwise your boy will grow up with the same lack of respect for you as you allow for yourself.

ManOfMystery

chellyry wrote: »

I see where you're coming from and I know he sounds bad, but this forum is for posting about the bad things so it's hard to get a proper overall image of what he's like. He can be really caring too.

People rarely act like villains you see in films. Even some of the most vile people have friends who swear they're not that bad some of the time.

Most people with any conscience don't drink and drive, or abuse their girlfriend. No matter whether it's a one-off or repetitive behaviour. You really need to stop making excuses for him and open your eyes.

strobe

chellyry wrote: »

I've threatened things before when he's acted completely out of order but always given in in the end when he's promised he'll never do them again, so I didn't want to back down this time because he'll never take me seriously.

But I don't want him to think that he can just use the 'I'm really sorry, I'll never do it again' card every time he does something wrong.

When he's done one of these things and afterwards promised not to do them again, has he done those same things again? Has he kept that promise?

Dr. Lollington

He already doesn't take you seriously OP.

I was in an abusive relationship for years and leaving him was the best thing I ever did. What he did to you in the car that night is absolutely disgusting. How can look at him the same way after that? How can you love someone who'd do that to you?

I know how as I was once in your shoes but towards the end of the relationship, all I felt for him was disdain.

You really need to stick to your guns OP but I'd put money on the fact that you won't. I bet you'll go running back to him. It's just sad.

Ande1975

OP,

I read your other post also and I felt really sad.
Why do you think so less of yourself to think that a guy like this is good enough for you?
Why do you put him before you?
You deserve so much more than a drink driving scum bag. I'm sorry but you need to put yourself on a pedestal for a change.
If you had to start over and wish for the perfect guy for you - I am sure you would shudder at the thought of a drink driving scum bag who can sexually assault you?

Taking him back will only be a quick fix for you but the issues will always be there. You're just kicking the can down the road. Value yourself more and walk away.

DoYouEvenLift

From what I've read, he sounds like a total fuking loser. There's a breaking point where you need to put your feelings and emotions aside and look at it all objectively and logically, he's passed that point multiple times.

Anyone who drinks and drives is a piece of sh!t.

Stavro Mueller

Sound here like there's a pattern of him behaving appallingly, saying sorry, you taking him back. Rinse repeat rewind. I think you can learn a lot about a person's character in their darker moments. In a way it's meaningless what he's like when all is going well. Frankly I still find it disturbing that there's the capability of carrying out a sexual assault in his personality. You can blame alcohol if you want but the drink didn't put those thoughts into his head.

Sounds like this drink driving incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. Because the dynamic in this relationship seems to be off balance he has gotten away until now by saying he's sorry then doing what he likes. Am I right?

If this guy wants to save this relationship the ball is in his court. Did he even acknowledge that drink driving was wrong? Or is he just sorry you've called him out on his behaviour?

chellyry

anna080 wrote: »

From what I gather the OP does have a child with him.

Yes we have a child together but I honestly don't think he would do anything stupid with him.

strobe wrote: »

When he's done one of these things and afterwards promised not to do them again, has he done those same things again? Has he kept that promise?

I don't really know how to answer that. I'm the type of person that puts bad things to the back of my mind and then I genuinely forget about it. I'll remember there was something that happened but not the finer details, unless it's something big.


He doesn't drink often, but just a lot when he does - the same as me and a lot of people our age (early 20's). So I don't think he has a drinking problem. That being said I'm not making excuses for him. I told him that being drunk was no excuse for acting like that. I haven't given him any reason to think that I'm regretting breaking up with him, that's why I posted here, to get things of my chest and to get my thoughts straight. I've kept contact to a minimum, but I'm finding it really hard. It was an idle threat in the beginning, I had said it in the hope it would scare him into getting out of the car, I hadn't had a chance to think it through. I want to stick to my guns I just can't imagine my life without him.

retro:electro

chellyry wrote: »

Yes we have a child together but I honestly don't think he would do anything stupid with him.





I don't really know how to answer that. I'm the type of person that puts bad things to the back of my mind and then I genuinely forget about it. I'll remember there was something that happened but not the finer details, unless it's something big.


He doesn't drink often, but just a lot when he does - the same as me and a lot of people our age (early 20's). So I don't think he has a drinking problem. That being said I'm not making excuses for him. I told him that being drunk was no excuse for acting like that. I haven't given him any reason to think that I'm regretting breaking up with him, that's why I posted here, to get things of my chest and to get my thoughts straight. I've kept contact to a minimum, but I'm finding it really hard. It was an idle threat in the beginning, I had said it in the hope it would scare him into getting out of the car, I hadn't had a chance to think it through. I want to stick to my guns I just can't imagine my life without him.

He quite obviously DOES have a drinking problem, and the fact that you are denying that fact is astonishing actually. Do "a lot of people your age" sexually assault their partners when drunk and black out and forget about it the next day? Or how about getting into a car completely wasted despite their screaming partners pleas not to, do they do that? Also do they have impressionable children to look after that will quite possibly pick up on this dysfunctional relationship and suffer as a result? Do they? Would you ever wake up.

tinz18

chellyry wrote: »

He doesn't drink often, but just a lot when he does - the same as me and a lot of people our age (early 20's). So I don't think he has a drinking problem. That being said I'm not making excuses for him.

Binge drinking is still a drinking problem and I see it in a lot of my friends - they are turning into genuine functioning alcoholics but sure "they just drink the same as everyone else"- just because its the norm in our demographic (early 20s) doesn't make it okay.

There's no excuse for behaving like that when drunk, my boyfriend wholly admits he can behave awfully (not to the extent of your fella however) while drunk but the way he combats it is he never goes over a pint or two to get to that stage anymore!

I think you should stay rid of him- there's no way to justify him treating you that way and imo people who drink drive have no respect or care for themselves or anyone else.

Shrap

chellyry wrote: »

My boyfriend and I had a big(ish) fight at the weekend. Without going into too much detail he drove over to my house in the early hours of the morning after a night of fairly heavy drinking, we had a fight over a silly little thing, I told him to **** off (not meaning literally, just to stop what he was doing)

I'm going back to this OP because I think you're very much in the business of pretending nothing happened here...nothing to see here, move along. You've just said as much in your recent post.

Now, you say you're head over heels in love with him. But to me, it seems like he uses you like a plaything when he drinks heavily. As if you're his property and you'll do what he says. Your other (appalling) incident with him speaks of this too. He's not in love with you or he would never behave this way.

You don't want to go into details, but my alarm bells are going mental here. What "silly little thing" did he do that you had to tell him to eff off to get him to stop? Besides the drunk driving to your house, where you live with your son, disrupting your lives in the early hours of the morning?


....and that's another thing - does he support you and your son? What sort of responsibilities does he take on as a father if you're not living together?

ABajaninCork

Can't say I'm surprised by the turn of events here. I told you OP in your last thread it would happen again, and lo and behold - it has! The only surprise was it happened so soon...

Both times he's played the a$$ he's been drunk. Worse still - he drove drunk, and you didn't report it. What does that tell you?? I will tell you what it tells me. He has no respect for your OR your child. He's a woman-abusing, drunken, immature baby. Why are you so desperate to hang on to this loser - Don't you have enough to do taking care of one child? Why do you need another?? And what kind of example are you setting for your baby if you continue to put up with this behaviour???

DON'T take this loser back. All you need him for is support for the child and to have a relationship with him. Nothing else. He has nothing for you. Incidentally, I'm with Shrap. Does he work and support his child?

Did you try counselling for yourself? You need to build up some self esteem and assertiveness - Quick!!

redfacedbear

Putting 2+2 together, but your last post on the other thread was about you laying down a marker to him about what you find unacceptable in your relationship. Two months later there is a sudden re-emergence of the mean-drunk (Is this the first mean-drunk episode since the assault 2 years ago? Is this the first time he's been drunk since you laid down the law?)

I'd wager that there is some resentment festering since you had that conversation and it leaked out when he had a skinful.

I really hope you stay strong OP and stay away from him.

LegacyUser

chellyry wrote: »

Yes we have a child together but I honestly don't think he would do anything stupid with him.

hmmmmm well he had no problem getting into a car hammered and driving off, thus putting his own life and other road users in danger, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same with his kid in it? He didn't respect you the mother of his child driving off in the middle of the night angry and drunk, so what makes you think he really cares about his kid either?

chellyry wrote: »

I don't really know how to answer that. I'm the type of person that puts bad things to the back of my mind and then I genuinely forget about it. I'll remember there was something that happened but not the finer details, unless it's something big.

Thats because you are in complete denial with regards to his behaviour.

chellyry wrote: »

He doesn't drink often, but just a lot when he does - the same as me and a lot of people our age (early 20's). So I don't think he has a drinking problem.

OP you keep making excuse after excuse for him. So when he drinks he seems to binge drink thus becoming a different person but he doesn't have a drink problem nor is he an alcoholic coz thats what most people in their 20s do!!!!! Your opinion of him is truly clouded.

Regardless how much he drinks, and from reading the previous thread where he locked you in the car and tried to force you to do something sexual before you managed to fight him off is not excuse because he was drunk. As another poster pointed out alcohol did not put those messed up thoughts in his head.

You really need to talk to Womens Aid or Al Anon, and know what you are dealing with, everyone on here is pretty much saying that you need to cut him loose.
Breakups are very hard after being together for so long so you are bound to be missing him but getting back together is not a good idea. There is no trust nor respect in this relationship.

Penny Tration

Op, you say you're sure he wouldn't harm your child.

i bet you were sure he'd never sexually assault you either, but he did.

i think you need to speak to a doctor. You need something to boost your self respect.

you seem completely happy to let this scumbag abuse you and others. If you care that little for yourself, fine, but you will destroy your child if you bring him up with this pathetic excuse for a male role model.

Colonel_McCoy

This guy is a nightmare, its not going to get better only worse.

He is an angry menace with a drink problem who is a danger to society, yourself and your child.


You did yourself a favour

chellyry

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

If this guy wants to save this relationship the ball is in his court. Did he even acknowledge that drink driving was wrong? Or is he just sorry you've called him out on his behaviour?

I didn't really give him the chance to acknowledge that it's wrong, just kept telling him it's his own fault and he should have listened to me.

Shrap wrote: »

....and that's another thing - does he support you and your son? What sort of responsibilities does he take on as a father if you're not living together?

We're not living together because of our financial situation. Neither of us have much money and it actually works out better financially to live apart for now. I think that's where it all went wrong, we couldn't really feel or act like a proper family.

I'm still sticking to my decision and taking all of your advice. I don't want to go back to all of that, it's just not easy because I do miss him. And I'm dreading telling bubba.

maria34

Let me guess, he told you to go to get lone parent allowance etc instead of work hard to get money, move in together, help you out and stop drinking and wasting money on his booze and car?

Jenneke87

There's not much to add expect for echo what other people have said. He assaulted you, drink drives and heaven knows what else. Please don't do this to yourself and your child, leave him be.

Shrap

maria34 wrote: »

Let me guess, he told you to go to get lone parent allowance etc instead of work hard to get money, move in together, help you out and stop drinking and wasting money on his booze and car?

Y'know, when I asked what sort of responsibilities does he take on as a father and what support does he give the OP, I didn't necessarily mean financial. I should have specified that.

OP, I don't care if you're on lone parents or not. I am too, since I separated from my youngest's father and had no choice. What I'm really asking (as this is going to be really important to you, if you stay separated - and I hope you do) is what is the quality of his parenting? Do you get any time off? Does he look after your son independently of you? Would it be very unusual for him to take responsibility for your son? Can you trust your ex to be there and care for him?

Or, as is my suspicion, does he just turn up at your's for the "family feeling" and the sex and head back to his own life when the mood takes him? If that's the case (being honest with yourself now), you're maybe going to need some help to stop this situation becoming nasty, if he holds the child up as a bargaining chip. "Sure, you broke up with me - I'm not going to look after the child to suit you" kind of thing (I've been there).

If it is going to be more amicable than that (hopefully), your very next step with him is to try and come to an arrangement where your son will be impacted on the least. "Dad's going to have you over to his house tonight, won't that be great?!" or "Dad's going to bring you to Granny's for the day, yay!". You won't have any big deal about "breaking the news" to your bubba if you can both make it as easy as possible for him.

Ps. I wouldn't blame the financial situation on why you couldn't act as a real family. Seems like your ex's lifestyle, drinking and abusing has something to do with it, eh?

Neyite

All of what you have described OP is abusive behaviour. If you don't believe me, ring women's aid and ask them. I really think you should read the book I linked to in your other thread. It will give you a lot of insight and understanding of what you are really in the middle of.

It may not feel it right now, but this breakup is the very best thing you can do for your child's emotional well being. You are teaching him that this is not the kind of man he should grow up to be. You are teaching him respect. You are giving him a safe home environment where there are no drunken rows, where he wont see his mother get verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually assaulted. Where he is not exposed to binge drinking and the behaviour that accompanies that. Where he will not be in a speeding car with a drunk driver.

You can love somebody and understand that they are bad for you so its best you don't stay. But you will get over him.

chellyry

maria34 wrote: »

Let me guess, he told you to go to get lone parent allowance etc instead of work hard to get money, move in together, help you out and stop drinking and wasting money on his booze and car?

Shrap wrote: »

What I'm really asking (as this is going to be really important to you, if you stay separated - and I hope you do) is what is the quality of his parenting? Do you get any time off? Does he look after your son independently of you? Would it be very unusual for him to take responsibility for your son? Can you trust your ex to be there and care for him?

I won't go into it but there was a big deal about our living situation years ago and it wasn't his choice that we're not living together. The reason I'm on lone parents is because I'm still in college doing a demanding course and don't have time for a job. He works so can't mind our boy during the day so it just so happens that I'm always there too when he's spending time with him.

I've taken on board everything that has been said and appreciate the advice. I just needed a push in the right direction and judging by the unanimous opinion that I shouldn't take him back I'm a little happier that I did the right thing.

ABajaninCork

Good for you. Keep going forward and leave the loser behind! Good luck. But I can't help but notice the fact he works, but (apparently) does not support his son. I think that's telling...

Shrap

Best of luck chellyry :-)