GF doesnt know about previous 'marriage'

Born2lose

I'll try and keep this a short and to the point as possible.

In my previous relationship I was seeing a girl originally from the US, working here on a sponsored visa.

While visiting the states with her she proposed a plan to get married while we were there and solve our visa issues. Namely, I could get a visa for America and likewise she could get one for Ireland and not be trapped in a job she wasn't enjoying anymore on a sponsored visa.

I must admit I got caught up in the notion of having an American visa. The lofty ideas of living in NYC or LA kinda got the better of me.

I made it clear that it was purely an arrangement and to be honest I didn't actually think it would work as I was only in America on a holiday visa and never really believed we'd actually be granted a marriage license.
We went to a courthouse, applied, I lied on the forms and said I was currently residing in the states.

I still dunno how I got away with it but they granted the license. My gf at the time told me we needed to get to another courthouse and marry straight away. We did that.

Before we even landed in Ireland I'd already realized the gravity of the situation we'd gotten ourselves into. I mean I did care about her but I was my no means in love with her.

I expressed all of this soon after and the relationship began to deteriorate from there. Only a handful of people actually knew what we had done and none of them were happy.

Anyways, to cut past all the gory details, she returned to the states about 6 months after and we were able to have the marriage annulled. There is no record of it whatsoever in Ireland.

I've also visited the states numerous times since and have had no trouble.

We both went our separate ways and that was that.

Fast forward nearly 2 years and I've been seeing a fantastic girl for the last 6 months. I'm a pretty straight forward and open guy and I pride myself on the fact I've never cheated on a girl or been dishonest in a relationship so its beginning to eat me up that I never told her about the visa marriage I took part it.

Everyone tells me I should have been honest from the start but it's not really first date conversation materiel if you know what I mean.
+ I was selfish in my thinking. I believed the past was the past and it should stay there.

The weeks turned to months and before I knew what was happening I was head over heels in love with this woman.

It's the only secret I've held from her and it kills me. I'm so scared that if I tell her she'll judge me or think I'm not the man she fell for.

I've honestly never felt this way about a girl before and I'm not exactly young either.
I'd lay down in front of traffic for this girl if she asked.

I've tried so many times to tell her but I just can't. I idea of losing her kills me, but I know it's something I have to do.

I'm scared she'll never look at me in the same way again, I'm scared her friends won't understand and warn her off me.
I'm scared she won't get past the word 'MARRIAGE' and walk away.

I know I'm a coward. I don't even know why I'm posting it here.

Tilly

I know you say you are finding it hard to tell her but you really need to do it ASAP. It’s not fair on her. Does this now mean you cant get married in a church? I know you cant if you are divorced but what about an annulment? I know it’s only early days still but she may want all these things in her life and needs to know they might not happen.

Stop thinking about what you might lose and put her first!

Born2lose

Tilly wrote: »

I know you say you are finding it hard to tell her but you really need to do it ASAP. It’s not fair on her. Does this now mean you cant get married in a church? I know you cant if you are divorced but what about an annulment? I know it’s only early days still but she may want all these things in her life and needs to know they might not happen.

Stop thinking about what you might lose and put her first!

There is no record of the marriage in Ireland. I sought legal advice at the time and there is absolutely no problem with me getting married in a church.

I appreciate your reply. Thank you

Tilly

Born2lose wrote: »

There is no record of the marriage in Ireland. I sought legal advice at the time and there is absolutely no problem with me getting married in a church.

I appreciate your reply. Thank you

Well at least that's one less thing to worry about. This is one of those things that the longer you leave it the worse it gets. Just tell her as soon as. Tell her exactly what happened, just dont let it go on any longer.

Miaireland

It is not going to be easy but you have to tell her and the sooner you do the better. You mention that a few people know so there is a chance they could accidently let something slip. It will be a million times worse if she heard it from someone else.

Merkin

These things have a habit of coming out. To be honest it's not THAT big of a deal but hiding it indefinitely is. Just tell her. If she loves you she'll be miffed you didn't tell her sooner but I sincerely doubt it would be a deal breaker. If you see a future with her then you have to be open about it with her.

Jenneke87

Now perhaps this could be me,but if there is no record of the marriage, you're no longer in touch with your ex and this was all one major mistake, why potentially ruin something so good. You married for all the wrong reasons and now you get a chance to do it right this time. You sound like a good man who adores his girl and even though it's a big secret, it's not like you did something evil. I would say let it rest.

MistyCheese

Telling her now might seem bad but her finding out a year or two down the line would be worse.

cactusgal

Just tell her. Sounds like you were young and stupid but you soon realized your mistake. It would be really bad if she found out from someone else, so you need to jump in and tell her first.

I was engaged before, but never got married. Although it doesn't affect me or matter in my life now, I told my boyfriend about it before getting together with him bc it would have been a weird thing to hide from someone you're in a relationship with.

dar100

There's no need to tell her, I'd view it in the same light as any ex relationship

LegacyUser

It may or may not bother her. I know if it were explained to me that it was little more than an arrangement, well it wouldn't bother me personally. The fact that the marriage is annulled and no messy divorce to deal with is better again.

Just get it done, tell her.

Tokyo

Mod Note:
Can those posting anonymously please be patient and not continuously repost - anon posts require approval from a moderator before they are visible in-thread.

Thanks,
Mike

lazygal

This will come out if you want to marry here as you're obliged to present documents on previous marriages when you register intent. Tell her asap.

ManOfMystery

If other people know, it may get back to her at some point, be it deliberately or accidentally. Just be honest with her. Don't try and downplay it all - explain it exactly as you've explained it above and then let her make her own decision on it. This isn't a typical ex-wife situation! She may well take a non-serious view of it if she understands it was a mistake.

But I think it's important you tell her ASAP. 6 months is almost bordering on too long already, don't let it go any longer.

Shrap

Show her your post OP, it's lovely. All the things you say about her, and your fears for how that might change if she knows you've kept this from her.... you will be taking the risk that she won't understand or be upset in order to be fully honest with the woman you love, but you must.

If she's half the person you give her credit for, then give her credit for being able to deal with this aspect of your past and your keeping it from her. This won't be the only hurdle you'll ever face, so trust her now and show her your heart and the truth.

keithc83

Hi OP,
I actually was in a very similar position a couple of years ago. What i would say to you is to tell her. I didn't in my scenario and she found out anyway. Its because of this that the woman I was and currently am still in love with after my Visa fiasco lost some trust in me, and the relationship is possibly nearing the end all because of this. So no matter how much you think you can't lose her you need to tell her. I have been told since that if i was honest from the outset everything would have been good but i was like you, scared and a little selfish for my reasons to hide the details from her.
I wish you all the best OP.

P. Breathnach

ManOfMystery wrote: »

If other people know, it may get back to her at some point, be it deliberately or accidentally....

That is not a reason for telling her. The reason for telling her is that it is the right thing to do.

ManOfMystery

P. Breathnach wrote: »

That is not a reason for telling her. The reason for telling her is that it is the right thing to do.

I never said it was. What I meant was that if she heard from other people, it's going to greatly damage any trust she has built with the OP. Better for her to find out from him.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I have first hand experience of this (the one being lied to, and it is lying and it does have big consequences if she found out by accident which is a real possibility).

He got married for similar visa issues. It was 1.5 years into our relationship when I "found out" totally by accident. He hadnt told me. Believe me and others when we say that the truth will always seep out somewhere, sometime.

Now, if he'd been honest and told me himself a few months in, I wouldnt even have batted an eye lid. I would have thought "He is being honest".

I had to find out second hand, and it really made me question everything. Who is this person? Why keep it a secret. Why not tell me? I did see it as a lie, rather than an omission of the truth, which is what road you seem to be going down. What else arent they telling me? In the future, what else could they lie about?

Youve been warned.

Raminahobbin

I guarantee you OP that it's the secrecy she will care more about than the actual marriage- you need to just take the plunge and tell her. It would have been better to tell her earlier, but 6 months is an acceptable amount of time. Any longer would be a complete lie (or so I would feel in a similar situation).

Most women these days aren't too bothered by previous marriages, and especially one arising out of a situation you describe. I'd be surprised if she has any major issues with it apart from you not telling her.

Born2lose

Thank you all so much for the helpful replies.

To answer a few of your questions, I did seek legal advise after all was said and done and it will not effect me in any way if I ever did decide to actually marry someone for real in the future.
I was also told just how stupid I was and how highly illegal it was to lie on those forms while in the states and we both could have faced some serious legal repercussions.

The advise I was given when all was said and done was to just forget it ever happened but never to attempt anything so stupid ever again.

The 'marriage' was never declared in Ireland, It was kept secret from family and friends.

I can understand why some people are advising I just keep it a secret and leave it in the past. I've tried to convinced myself many times that it's my past and should stay there.

It nearly killed my parents when they found out what I'd done when I admitted it to them, my mothers exact words were 'I though I'd raised you better than that'.
I'm so scared of seeing that same disappointed look on her face.

I know what I have to do but working up the courage to do it is so incredibly hard. I'd planned on doing it last weekend but just got selfish.

I'll get really close to sitting her down and explaining it but she'll do something stupid like smile at me and that's it, scared ****less again because I don't want to upset her in anyway.

Thank you all so much again. Your replies and advise have meant more than you'll know.

I know I can't prolong it any longer. The situation is nobodies fault but my own.

When all was said and done I told my mother that I was lucky and I can just forget it ever happened and move on with my life.
I remember her telling me that nothings that simple and I'd be made answerable for my actions one day.

Irish mammy's wha..

ManOfMystery

Born2lose wrote: »

Thank you all so much for the helpful replies.

To answer a few of your questions, I did seek legal advise after all was said and done and it will not effect me in any way if I ever did decide to actually marry someone for real in the future.
I was also told just how stupid I was and how highly illegal it was to lie on those forms while in the states and we both could have faced some serious legal repercussions.

The advise I was given when all was said and done was to just forget it ever happened but never to attempt anything so stupid ever again.

The 'marriage' was never declared in Ireland, It was kept secret from family and friends.

I can understand why some people are advising I just keep it a secret and leave it in the past. I've tried to convinced myself many times that it's my past and should stay there.

It nearly killed my parents when they found out what I'd done when I admitted it to them, my mothers exact words were 'I though I'd raised you better than that'.
I'm so scared of seeing that same disappointed look on her face.

I know what I have to do but working up the courage to do it is so incredibly hard. I'd planned on doing it last weekend but just got selfish.

I'll get really close to sitting her down and explaining it but she'll do something stupid like smile at me and that's it, scared ****less again because I don't want to upset her in anyway.

Thank you all so much again. Your replies and advise have meant more than you'll know.

I know I can't prolong it any longer. The situation is nobodies fault but my own.

When all was said and done I told my mother that I was lucky and I can just forget it ever happened and move on with my life.
I remember her telling me that nothings that simple and I'd be made answerable for my actions one day.

Irish mammy's wha..

Your mother had a point, these things have a habit of coming back to bite us in the ass.

But look ................. let's not blow it out of proportion. You didn't murder anyone. You haven't got a lot of illegitimate children in the USA. You're not cheating on an existing wife. You entered into a union based on dubious reasons, recognised it was wrong, and took steps to remove yourself from that - and luckily you never had any legal fallout from it.

It was a mistake yes, but no-one really got hurt and both you and the US girl have moved on. Don't go overboard feeling you have to apologise for it the rest of your life. Tell her, tell her you learnt your lesson, and explain that as far as you're concerned it's a chapter of your life which is fully closed - but which you feel she should be aware of.

And the next time you're about to tell her but feel like chickening out, just remind yourself that each opportunity you miss will make it even harder to tell her the next time. Bite the bullet

pookie82

Born2lose wrote: »

Thank you all so much for the helpful replies.

To answer a few of your questions, I did seek legal advise after all was said and done and it will not effect me in any way if I ever did decide to actually marry someone for real in the future.
I was also told just how stupid I was and how highly illegal it was to lie on those forms while in the states and we both could have faced some serious legal repercussions.

The advise I was given when all was said and done was to just forget it ever happened but never to attempt anything so stupid ever again.

The 'marriage' was never declared in Ireland, It was kept secret from family and friends.

I can understand why some people are advising I just keep it a secret and leave it in the past. I've tried to convinced myself many times that it's my past and should stay there.

It nearly killed my parents when they found out what I'd done when I admitted it to them, my mothers exact words were 'I though I'd raised you better than that'.
I'm so scared of seeing that same disappointed look on her face.

I know what I have to do but working up the courage to do it is so incredibly hard. I'd planned on doing it last weekend but just got selfish.

I'll get really close to sitting her down and explaining it but she'll do something stupid like smile at me and that's it, scared ****less again because I don't want to upset her in anyway.

Thank you all so much again. Your replies and advise have meant more than you'll know.

I know I can't prolong it any longer. The situation is nobodies fault but my own.

When all was said and done I told my mother that I was lucky and I can just forget it ever happened and move on with my life.
I remember her telling me that nothings that simple and I'd be made answerable for my actions one day.

Irish mammy's wha..

I actually think you're beating yourself up WAY too much over this. Like the poster above says, you didn't murder anyone, you don't have a load of kids running around that you're not taking responsibility for... you made a silly mistake and got carried away in your youth for an American VISA. Big woop!

You've tied up all the loose ends legally and officially or otherwise, so it won't impact on your future decisions to marry.

Tell her. Honest to god if I heard this 6 months into a relationship I'd barely bat an eyelid. The earlier you tell it the less big a deal you make of it.

I wouldn't do it in a "I have something really shocking" to tell you sense, either. If you act as ashamed and contrite as you do here, you're making it a bigger deal than it is. Start by saying something like "look, I'm serious about you and I really see this going somewhere, and in that light there's something I need to tell you about my past. It has no bearing on our future together, but as I'm in love with you and see YOU as my future now, I need the slate to be clean, so..."

She might get taken aback and need time to take it all in but honestly, if things are as good as you say they are, this shouldn't have her running for the hills.

And re your mother's reaction... I assume she found out before you had it all annulled and sorted? In which case she probably thought that you'd carry on the charade of a VISA marriage and it didn't meet her expectations of what she wanted for you.

It's different now. Stop beating yourself up, honestly, it reads clear as day like a silly mistake and nothing more. I agree that you should actually show her/use your OP as a starting point as it's well written and very clear.

Good luck!

Hooked

pookie82 wrote: »

I actually think you're beating yourself up WAY too much over this. Like the poster above says, you didn't murder anyone, you don't have a load of kids running around that you're not taking responsibility for... you made a silly mistake and got carried away in your youth for an American VISA. Big woop!

Tell her. Honest to god if I heard this 6 months into a relationship I'd barely bat an eyelid. The earlier you tell it the less big a deal you make of it.

Good luck!

This... This times a thousand.


You're being far too hard on yourself OP. Life is far too short and we worry far too much. Don't sweat the small stuff.

You made a mistake, well a younger 'you' did. And on the grand scheme of things - it was a small, naive and immature one.

Tell her and move on.

TheBeardedLady

Agree with what everyone said again to say I personally wouldn't have a problem with this if I knew you were a decent fella (and you're obviously a decent guy). Marriage seems like much less of a big deal in the States as you can get out of it as fast as you get in to it. It was a silly mistake and some papers were signed for a visa and nothing else.

I can imagine if you explain it exactly how you explained it here, she'd have no problem.

It's one of these things that you have to simply bite the bullet. Don't overthink it, just do it and deal with whatever consequences come your way. I'm sure it'll be fine though.


Good luck!

cactusgal

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

Marriage seems like much less of a big deal in the States as you can get out of it as fast as you get in to it.

As an American, I kinda agree with this (unfortunately!) A LOT of the people I went to school with got married around 22/23, divorced around 27/28, some then re-married later on. But yeah, marriage and divorce are much, much easier to get in and out of over there!!