facing abusive ex

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I am in court soon with my ex as he assaulted me.
I was in an abusive realationship with him from the years of 18-21. I have to say it took it out of me. I became a shell of myself, and looking back now. I didn't recognise the person I was.
I was so angry because of the violence towards me that I behaved very badly in arguments, screaming horrible names etc that I would never ever dream of doing now to a partner.
I was miserable all the time I was with him but somehow I never left. I honestly did believe I loved him and for some weird reason I used to think I would be depressed without him. I don't know why.
We were on and off all the time. We would get into a big argument that would get violent. I would 'break up ' with him. After a few days when I wouldn't hear from him, I would think ' how bad am I that even my boyfriend that hits me doesn't want to get back with me'...so off I would go calling him and begging him to get back with me like a doormat.

The last incident he hit me I called the guards. I had enough. I moved out of the rented accomodation we shared and said that was that. I started weekly counselling which helped alot. Its funny but even though I ended it , after the break up I never felt so depressed in my life.
Eventually he got in contact. Promising me the sun moon and stars. I never seen him this way before. And I am ashamed to say. I met him on several occasions.. like a couple.

I eventually broke up with him when I seen it was just an act. This time cutting contact, changing numbers.
I am with a lovely bf now and am so much happier. My bf is repectful and through counselling I have learned to love myself.

Now the big issue on my mind. I have a court date coming up. Of course he is denying it. Lately I have butterflies in my stomach( the bad nervous kind) I am dreaming of him all the time. I feel my throat getting tight the last week.
I am terrifeid of going to court. I am afraid of what he will say about me. I havent told anyone (even the police) that I met him after. Because Im deeply ashamed that I did and I know I will look like an idiot. I know I have to tell them because he will probably use it in court. Im afraid I will be cross examined and asked why I stayed with him .But I can't explaine the way I felt properly. Im afraid I won't be believed in court.
Im afraid I will feel worse after I see him and my mindset will go backwards after moving on.
Im so nervous I can't sleep.
Can anyone offer any advice

Diziet

How about getting in touch with womensaid.ie? The pattern you describe is very common. And to be honest whether you met him after the assault or not, or the fact that you kept taking him back does not mean he has the right to assault you. You are well rid of him and well done for moving forward with your life.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your kind post diziet. I have been in touch with womens aid before and they are very good I have to say.
Its just the embaressment of going in here. I can't shake of the feeling. I suppose I have to prepare myself for both outcomes. I know he is going to lie but I have no idea what he is going to say about me.
I suppose most of all I am terrified of being in the withness box and looking like a liar when I am not. Thats the most scariest part. I'm afraid i'm going to look like an idiot

CollyFlower

It's quite common for someone being abused to leave and return to the abuser several times.... I wouldn't worry about that if I was you.
Good luck in court.

Rubberchikken

You have no need to feel embarrassed about any of your actions.
You found the courage to walk away from an abusive man and make an official complaint about the way he treated you.

Not everyone has the strength to do that.

Hold onto that strength and courage.
This man needs to see that you are not going to take his abuse and your willingness to stand up to him will save you and maybe others from a dismal life.

Good luck

Neyite

It takes an average of 7 unsuccessful attempts for a person to leave their abusive partner. Its very common, and I think that someone of that arrogance will trip themselves up in court.

You met with him because you were controlled by him. But do tell the gardai before this - they need to know so that the prosecution can bring it up first and present it your way first before he gets a chance to twist it and present his version of events.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

It takes an average of 7 unsuccessful attempts for a person to leave their abusive partner. Its very common, and I think that someone of that arrogance will trip themselves up in court.

You met with him because you were controlled by him. But do tell the gardai before this - they need to know so that the prosecution can bring it up first and present it your way first before he gets a chance to twist it and present his version of events.

Thank you. I will definitely have to tell the guards. I hope I am composed enough to talk. I will update you

Merkin

It's imperative that the prosecution know all the facts before going to Court as any omission will undermine their case . If you're yotally upfront with them (and that includes sleeping with your ex etc) then tell them as well as showing them any texts or emails you may have kept so that they are well briefed beforehand. You may have went back but you did finally garner the strength to leave him once and for all and for that you should be commended. Go easy on yourself and best of luck in Court .

Shrap

Winter14 wrote: »

Thank you. I will definitely have to tell the guards. I hope I am composed enough to talk. I will update you

Once you have told the guards (before court) it'll be easier for you. It doesn't matter a bit if you break down with them and struggle to get the words out - just tell it. They won't judge, it's not their place...and they'll have seen it all before. If anything, they'll respect your courage for having finally managed to get out of the relationship and your courage for going through with holding him responsible for the assault. Once you've cried telling the guards, you'll be fine in court I'm sure. It'll get it out of your system.

Best of luck hon. Also, ask the guards what to expect in court. Get a head's up about the procedure.


Ps. I went back 4 times. You're not unusual at all.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your replies. He was found guilty. A huge weight has been lifted and I can now move forward with my life x

CollyFlower

winter14 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies. He was found guilty. A huge weight has been lifted and I can now move forward with my life x

Great result. :-D