Am I thick?

LegacyUser

As the username and title suggest. Am I?

I haven't had a relationship in 6 years due to the last of a string of disastrous relationships. Last one was the icing on the cake which found me almost 20k down due to being used and taken advantage of with all good intentions myself.
I came out of my last relationship a very broken person without even realising it at the time. One of my last encounters with the said person was him pinning me to the bed screaming at me that I was ugly and a waste of space in anybody's life and that the only reason he stayed with me was for money. He hadn't slept with me since I'd moved to his country to be with him which could suggest that some part of this was true. When I say I moved country it was only to UK, not Turkey or somewhere.

So I moved back to Ireland and put on a **** load weight etc and became so enclosed in myself. Since then some really tragic things happened in my life (nothing to do with yer man) and life wasn't good in general. I went on a few dates etc in the meantime and never a 2nd date. A few one night stands which to me is only what it is anyway, no expectation. I maintained this belief that I was ugly, useless and now with no money, worthless too.

Roll on, I lost a bit of weight and in a better place. Recently a guy asked me to go for a drink. I did but as we finished the first drink I felt he rushed off and again marked it down to him 'not liking me'. We are part of a group who meet up every so many weeks and when I got home, he messaged me that he was happy we met up and enjoyed meeting me. I assumed it was out of embarrassment at rushing off and he was just trying to save face.

Last time we met up as a group, he made a point of coming up to me and spending time with me. He didn't have to and withing hours back to messaging me again. He initiates all contact.

I'm very confused as to what to read into it all. I've got big trust issues and don't want to make a fool of myself. I like him but I'm being cautious as I can't figure out if he's just being 'nice' or feels anything for me.

P. Breathnach

Consider the possibility that he meant what he said when he asked you to go for a drink - that it was intended to be one drink (perhaps because he had only a bit of spare time). If you read it like that, then it looks better: you had your private time with him, and he is still showing interest.

With a history such as you describe, you are understandably cautious. He might be sensitive to that, and might be coming slowly towards you so as not to scare you off. Or he might himself be cautious, the sort who takes one small step at a time.

You like him; he shows signs of liking you. You are cautious about forming relationships; he is not trying to sweep you off your feet.

I'd suggest that you give this one a chance.

Rubberchikken

ho op
before you jump into any type of relationship again, you need to get stronger, and to get you confidence and self-esteem back on track.

would you try counselling? i know it's suggested at every turn, but it could help you to see that you are a good person who deserves to be treated in a respectful way by othersi can well understand why you are being cautious.

after some of the things you've experienced, that's perfectly natural. take care of yourself.

LegacyUser

Hello amithick....you are not thick, it sounds like you need the opportunity to validate your worth to others. I agree with rubberchicken that counselling may be of assistance but reading your post made me very sad for you and this is not your fault but it appears that the abusive relationship has damaged your social skills to the point that you fear your own decision making.
I'm not moralising, but if you are suffering low esteem which is what you are obviously carrying then one night stands are not going to help you and in fact will make matters worse. Every one night stand will place a wedge between you and your opportunity to love yourself again....that's just my opinion.

I'm very sorry but I'm seeing all the warning signs in relation to this new character who invited you for a drink, something made him end the evening quickly and perhaps it was something he said and your reaction to it, or he may have identified something in your behaviour which set alarm bells ringing in his head, could you have projected your anxiety onto him.

Have you considered taking a break from dating and getting yourself back to loving yourself? Self esteem can grow when you're around the people you love and those who love you, do you have family and friends you can do things with? Beauty is about who we are and not how we look, if you are happy in yourself you project happiness to others and that's who people wish to meet so don't worry about anything else only focus on being happy inside and everything else will fall into place.

blatantrereg

Well it sounds like he is only getting to know you, so he probably doesn't have a great emotional investment - which is appropriate. He is showing an interest in you - perhaps a desire to get to know you better - in a nice attentive non-pushy way. Maybe it will lead to something more or maybe it won't. Just take that for what it is and enjoy that for what it is.