Long term relationship but too young

LegacyUser

Hi,

My boyfriend and I live in our own bubble. He has no social life outside of our relationship and I'm only slightly better.

I've been going out with him for almost 6 years since I just turned 18.

I think a lot about us... I sometimes feel that I haven't had a chance to figure out who I am and what I want in life. But even thinking about splitting up with him makes me so upset. I'm crying even writing this. I don't know who I am without him.

Also the guilt of hurting him would kill me. He's sort of a fragile person, he got seriously ill before I met him with a disease that was brought on by stress. I don't know what to do.

Please any advice would be appreciated.

Mr. Incognito

Do you have to split with him to find yourself?

Why cant you just go join societies and have a life outside the relationship?

hoodwinked

My husband and i met when we were quite young, i was 21 he was 20, when i was 23 i had our daughter,

a good few years later we are still going strong, there is no "secret" recipe or anything like that it's been hard work we invested in our relationship, and we at times felt like we could have been better off meeting at older ages, but then we realised if we had we wouldn't have the amazing life we have now.

what i will say is while we absolutely adore each others company (i would say he is my best friend and he would say the same about me) we found it was vital to keep your own,

you see it a lot in younger couples where they sort of "merge" into one person and one voice, where one goes the other follows, and that is where problems breed in relationships imo,

where as my husband and i don't, while we agree on a lot, we disagree on a lot too, and he hold's his views and i respect them and vice versa, we understand we are two individuals brought together and working together, i find that is important for us to grow individually, that includes having our "Separate" friends, (i put that in quotations as although i get on brilliantly with his friends and could join them on nights out/weekends away i choose not to only on occasion would we both go e.g weddings) it is so important to have your own friends.

ted1

I'm with my Wife since we're 16, 35 now, still mad about each other.

lazygal

In contrast to the other posters, most people I know who met young and had long term relationships with their first serious boyfriend or girlfriend either ending up splitting up or getting married and then separating within a couple of years. You shouldn't feel an obligation to stay with someone because they might get sick otherwise. As harsh as this sounds, you have to think about you. If you're having doubts, you need to acknowledge them and deal with them. Where do you see this going? Do you see yourself getting married or being with this person for life? Have you discussed what your shared future is?
I am a completely different person to what I was at your age (about ten years ago) and when I was that age I had loads of doubts about who I was and where I was going and what I should do. When I met my now husband, it was easy. We went out, we moved in, we got married and there was no crying or stress about figuring things out. If this isn't the right relationship for you, for your sake and his end it, and if it is the right relationship you need to start communicating how you feel as soon as possible so you know where you stand.

LegacyUser

Go with your gut. You're missing out on so much in your life. Yes, it's scary to be alone, to begin something new, but good scary, like starting college or a new job. You'll find your feet, meet people, try new things, learn new things, grow and enjoy it. Life is short, learn to be by yourself, get to know yourself.

Catari Jaguar

Go with your gut. Maybe this has run its course and you are together for different reasons now e.g. habit/ safety blanket. It's ok to feel that you're missing out on things in your life. Yes, it's scary to be alone, to begin something new, but good scary, like starting college or a new job. You'll find your feet, meet people, try new things, grow and enjoy it. Life is short, learn to be by yourself, get to know yourself.

anewme

Had to respond to this one. I was in a long term relationship from 17-30.

I knew from age about 20 that it wasnt for me but did not have the balls to do anything about it and just coasted along. For years, Habit, call it what you will. Ended up buying a house etc, till the marriage question came up and I decided I could not do it.

Things became quite nasty between us and ended violently.

I should have trusted my gut instinct and not spent an 10 years in a relationship where I was not happy. The relationship had long since run its course. People are only finding their own way at that age and the person I was at 30 was not the person I was at 17. We ended up having absolutely nothing in common.

Despite him being violent and there is never any excuse for that, I can understand to a point that the situation caused some of it, and I do harbour some guilt for not being straighter earlier.

Stavro Mueller

What's your gut telling you?

Definitely that bubble you're living in is very unhealthy. Maybe for now don't make any big decisions but take steps to change that. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you can't have a social life, have friends, have hobbies... It's the same with your boyfriend. Have you spoken to him about how stale your lives have become? It's something you both need to make a conscious effort to remedy.

Staying with someone because you're afraid of what'll happen if you split is a lousy reason. Break-ups are horrible but if they're for the right reasons, most people come to realize that it was for the best. People stay in relationships for the wrong reasons as well. I suppose because you've been in one for so long you're terrified of what'll happen next.

In my experience, people change enormously in their late teens to mid twenties. There is a chance that this relationship has run its course and that you and your boyfriend would be better suited to other people at this stage. Maybe.

Hannibal Smith

My husband and I are together since we were 18 (im not going to say how long ago that was :P ) and the way it kind of worked out was that we used our 20s for doing what we wanted as individuals while still being a couple. We had a plan that our 30s was when we'd settle down and that's what we did. We bought a house, got married and had kids.

Would something like that be a consideration for you? I think if you're together from a young age you have to allow each other to grow.

But if you're feeling you want to be by yourself and the main thing stopping you is guilt then that's not really the answer is it? Your boyfriend is responsible for his own well being and while its unfortunate stress made him ill before, I would expect he's had/getting some sort of professional help to stop a relapse?

If you take the illness and the guilt out of the equation. ..what do you want?