Anxiety about College.. please help me PART 2

lolalaughsalot

So i posted here a couple of weeks ago about how i was feeling in college. I'm not going to say its gotten better because it has only gotten better in certain aspects, i.e. i don't miss home as much anymore (i think) but the friends situation has gotten worse. Im in first year at TCD.

I have made friends. I have my old friends, and thats where the problem arises. I feel like i have to spend a lot of time with these new friends, so they can become "best friends" like my old friends are. I feel like i should be socialising all the time and making lots of new friends, when deep down i know i don't need them. I live in trinity halls at the moment, and its a great place.

I just feel like i have to spend all my time in others apartments getting to know them, because thats what everyone does, or so it looks like. Sometimes I just want to go to my room and do my own thing, so i have to say no to doing things with these new friends. Then i feel as if I'm missing out on something, and that makes me really sad even though i didn't want to go in the first place. I also feel like il never make a best friend if i don't spend lots of time with these people. Then even though i want to be on my own a lot, I feel so sad and over think things when i am alone. I worry far too much and i know this. But i can't help it.

I have these really bad moments when i can't stop crying, and feel like theres no way out of this feeling of dread I'm carrying with me all the time. Ive told my mam how i feel and we really can't find a solution between us. Ive never emotionally felt this unstable before.

Did anyone feel this way? under pressure all the time? not being able to cope? feeling like you need to conform to EVERYTHING? not being able to spend time alone even though you want to? Am i the only person who wants friends that maybe want to hang out once or twice a week and have their own time too? am i being antisocial? what do i do? Has anyone had similar experiences?

this sounds more like a diary than anything at this stage..

I might sound like I'm complaining, that others would kill to have friends at all and i understand that its just I'm feeling really low and need others perspectives. help me.

dar100

You're probably best off seeking the service of a therapist.

Stavro Mueller

OP, I remember your other thread. Did you go make an appointment with the counselling service in TCD? If you've not, please do so urgently.

In the meantime, would you consider giving The Samaritans a call on 116 123. Even make the call tonight if you feel up for it . They're not just for people who are suicidal. This new number of theirs is free from most Irish networks, if not them all.

Rubberchikken

Hi Op
I remember your thread.
I'm glad you've stuck it out and glad you're settling and making friends.

Tbh you're putting too much pressure on yourself.
These new people like you. They won't disappear if you sometimes want to be in your own room, or off doing your own thing.

Everyone needs time to themselves. It's healthy.

Did you speak to a counsellor on campus? It can be good to have someone to unload to.

Just remember you're doing great.
Take care

Stavro Mueller

Just to add:
These new friends you've made. Are they really your friends? I ask because you sound very insecure about them and seem to think that if you don't spend lots of time with them, they'll slip away. Maybe they're not the right fit for you? You will continue to meet people/make friends throughout your time in college so don't feel that this is it. Maybe if you're not gelling with them it's time to stop forcing yourself to spend so much time with them because it's in the instructions you've laid down for yourself.

Also what's the story with your old friends? Can you feel them slipping away as well? It's inevitable that the friendships you had with your old friends will change. You're changing, they're changing. You're meeting new people and so are they. What you will find as you get older is that you'll have different groups of friends. It's a big ask to expect that you and them will be the close-knit group of friends you were in secondary school. Hopefully they will continue to be a part of your life but it's not going to be the same. Also, where does your boyfriend fall into this?

There is nothing wrong with wanting time to yourself. Some people need more alone time than others but yes, it is perfectly normal. The only thing I worry about is that your alone time is spent crying in your bedroom. I love my down-time very much and I'd go insane if I didn't have it. It recharges my batteries and it's great. By all means spend time by yourself but be careful it doesn't turn into your means of hiding away from your problems.

As I said before, please talk to a professional as soon as you can. I know you're utterly distraught but you're not doing yourself or your mum any good by allowing this to continue. Your mum loves you dearly but she's not equipped to be able to deal with a problem like this. If you're afraid to make the appointment, could you ask your mum to do it for you? If she's like most other mums, she's going to be sick with worry and will do anything she can to help

Also, OP, reading back through your original post here, you still have a younger person's idea of what a friendship is. You said " I also feel like l'll never make a best friend if I don't spend lots of time with these people."
If you ask most adults how many good friends they have, they'll probably tell you that it's 4 or 5 at most. Also, a lot of people will tell you that they don't have a best friend any more. Mostly people end up with those few close friends and then a circle of less close friends, drinking buddies, friendly acquaintances... For some reason you've gone into full-blown people pleaser mode and the one person you've forgotten to look after is you. Please please please go seek professional help this week. You'll be so glad you did it.

lolalaughsalot

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Hi Op
I remember your thread.
I'm glad you've stuck it out and glad you're settling and making friends.

Tbh you're putting too much pressure on yourself.
These new people like you. They won't disappear if you sometimes want to be in your own room, or off doing your own thing.

Everyone needs time to themselves. It's healthy.

Did you speak to a counsellor on campus? It can be good to have someone to unload to.

Just remember you're doing great.
Take care

I have heard what you're saying from a lot of people and I really need to get it into my head. Thanks so much for replying

retro:electro

Seriously take a deep breath! Relax! You are completely over analysing every single possible situation and getting yourself into a frenzy over it! Look, you've made some friends, that's great! Just relax and go with the flow, don't force yourself into situations you don't want to be in. If you don't want to go somewhere then don't go; you have your own mind and you are your own person.

Chill out a bit, seriously! It may be a good idea for you to talk to someone about anxiety, your post is a bit manic and your panic is palpable. All I can tell you is just calm down and take things day by day. You don't have to be stuck to people 24/7 to become best friends. A lot of people admire individuality and independence as a trait in a friend so don't feel pressured into clinging into someone for dear life in the hope you will become best friends. Just relax, calm down, it will all be fine.

Stavro Mueller

Ok I get that you don't want to talk to a college counsellor. Please don't rule it out as an option, ok?

emuhead

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Ok I get that you don't want to talk to a college counsellor. Please don't rule it out as an option, ok?

+1, please don't rule it out.

I get the sense from your post that you're trying to live up to what is 'expected' of you. You may be in a lot better place if you decide what you want, and then determine how much and how often you want to relate to other people.

I'm back doing a post grad (not in TCD) and I am definately an introverted person, and I can identify a bit with your concerns. You need to remember in a class, that some people need a lot of interaction, and some need more alone time, and there is nothing wrong with either position. What you are describing, hanging out in other apartments all the time, would drive me batty. I've found it you are sure about what you want to do with your day, and are assertive with people, and just let them know, i.e., 'I'd love to hang out but I need a cat nap / recharge my batteries - maybe see you later' it gives people the message that you do want to know them and you're not brushing them off, but that you need your space too. Then when you do want to do things with others, you have a lot more energy and enthusiasm, and it's quality interaction. It's healthy to look after yourself and assert yourself and people you really want to know you will find.

Anyway, good luck