Why hasn't my mam talked about my father's issues?

LegacyUser

Sorry for the length...
So this has really been pissing me off recently and I'm not sure what to do.
My parents are divorced, I love my mother and my father to some extent but he's been such a prick in the past it's hard to trust him.
He has a drinking problem and basically when we were children he used to leave my sister and I in the house alone between the ages of about 4-10 and f*ck off to the pub for hours while he told us he was going to the shop, get the post, etc. (parents were separated at the time so we'd have to ring mam after a couple of hours and ask her to get us) He's very controlling, stingy, always felt like we had to watch what we were saying around him as kids (and still now really) as he's an awful temper. Also threatened to beat me a couple times but never did.
He has improved in the last few years though especially re drinking.
My main problem however is, my mother has never discussed any of this with me and it angers me. She never told us he was an alcoholic, I had to figure it out for myself as a kid and I always thought the things he did were normal (as she never said it wasn't really) until the last few years I realised it isnt! It's starting to affect me now and my relationship with her as well as I can't open up about anything with her, never have been able to, and I think it's because she was never upfront with me.

So basically, why hasn't she discussed these things? Any opinions? Are they actually not really a big deal and am i over reacting? Or do you think she still thinks I'm too young to be talking about these sort of things?
Not sure how confident I would be about confronting her as I hate talking about anything personal with her and would be wary of her reaction.
Cheers if you read this

bp

Hey OP sorry to hear about your background. There could be a few things going on:

1. She doesn't want to give you a bad impression of your father
2. She is trying to save face (publically and privately as she obviously cared for him at one stage)
3. She is in denial over the whole thing - head in the sand mentality
4. Like you she doesn't feel comfortable talking about personal things.

May I ask how old you are (in relation to she may think you too young)? Would you consider speaking to your GP or a professional as this is clearly affecting you and your relationship with your mam.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply, some good points!
I'm not sure she cares too much of my impression of him, but maybe I'm wrong.
I'm 17 so perhaps thats it. Don't think the GP could do much really especially since I'm under 18 so there'd be a confidentiality issue!

Rubberchikken

You could speak with your gp about how you feel if you'd fine that helpful.

Your mother may not want to speak about your dad to you out of loyalty or even shame or she might think you're too young to be discussing it.

It sounds like your dad is trying to improve so would you be able to talk to him?

I'm not excusing his behaviour when you were young, but sone men are just lousy with their kids when they're small.

Take care

Morag

Once you are 16 you can see a GP on your own and they have to keep patient confidentiality.

Matteroffact

I would think that your mother considers you too young and doesn't want to burden you with all of her troubles. She is your mother after all and not her confidante. Could you bring up the subject with her and ask her what you want to know. I also feel that she doesn't want to turn you off your father by saying anything derogatory about him, and I think she is right on that. You should really be able to go to an AA meeting for families of alcoholics just to help you to understand their ways. Firstly, I think you should ask your mother questions and maybe then she will open up to you. She might welcome the opportunity to talk about your father. She has obviously had a hard time with him and is trying to block it out by not talking about him but if you brought up the subject she might gladly tell you anything you would like to know.

DoctorBoo

Some relationships turn really nasty when a marriage breaks up. Parents are oftenvery angry and this can cause them to turn on one another. The people who suffer most from this scenario are always the children. They get caught in the middle. Maybe your mother did not want this to happen to you and her way of avoiding it was to say nothing about your father. In some ways, this is actually a really brave and respectful thing for your mam to do; she has allowed you to make up your mind about your dad on your own (without the influence of her bad feeling).

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your advice!
Now that I think about it, I believe you are all right about her trying to let me make my own mind up about him. My father is the complete opposite and freely makes digs at her in front of us. I do think though that she's been (assuming this is the case) protecting me for too long and maybe didn't realise the anger I've built up for him and how I might want to talk about it! I'm old enough to have formed an opinion of him by now at least..
I'll try bring It up sometime soon with her.
Thanks for all the help

bp

You sound like a mature young person, but you will at some stage need to deal with this before it eats you up. Good luck going forward you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a credit to your mam

Shrap

frustratedparents44 wrote: »

My father is the complete opposite and freely makes digs at her in front of us. ............

I'll try bring It up sometime soon with her.

In my experience (mother of 2, separated after a very difficult marriage) the parent who is making digs and throwing abuse about the other parent is the one not taking on board how their actions have influenced the situation and finds it much easier to blame the other than face themselves. The opposite is often true for the parent who speaks no ill of the other in front of the kids. They may be wrecked with self-doubt, shame and guilt for what their kids have gone through, and not speaking about it is another way of not addressing their feelings. I know about that one.

You sound like a fantastic son (? guess!), and I'm sure she's extremely proud of who you have become and will welcome that you're open enough to want to talk about this, but do be aware it could be difficult for her to open up, as potentially those feelings of self-blame are there just under the surface. Maybe think about what you want to say to her about that in case it does spill over for her. If that is the case for her, it would be really wonderful for her to hear how you don't blame her, and could help her address those feelings (if I'm right - this is only from my experience).

Semele

I was in a similar situation, OP, and only addressed the issue with my mother in my late 20s, when I learned that she'd assumed I wasn't interested in knowing more because I never asked! Whereas I'd been completely unable to bring it up because her silence on the subject made me feel as though she didn't want to talk about it. If either of us had ever just asked each other we could have saved years of worry!

Paddy Cow

Op I think you are directing your anger at the wrong parent. It was your father that let you down, not your mother. Your father treated you appalingly and threatened violence on you yet it was your mother that was there for you always.

It's normal now that you are getting older and more mature to see your father's behaviour for what it was and you are angry about this and want answers. In a perfect world your father would acknowledge how sh!tty he treated you and apologise but that's probably not going to happen.

In the absence of this (as you know your father doesn't have the empathy to admit to the damage he has caused) you are transferring the "blame" onto your mother, as she is the more reasonable parent. It comes across as though you feel she knew what was going on and turned a blind eye to it and you feel betrayed by this.

While I commend you for showing maturity in figuring out why you are angry/upset, you also have to start looking at if from your mother's point of view. There could be many reasons why she "turned a blind eye" to the situation.

1. Your father has been "controlling, stingy, always felt like we had to watch what we were saying around him". If that was how he treated his kids, who he is supposed to love and want the best for, how do you think he treated his ex? Maybe he was even more aggressive with your mother and she went along with things to make life easier for everyone. We don't know anything about your background. Was your mother dependant on maintenance after they split or did he threaten to take her to court for custody if she didn't agree with him? Sometimes one parent will go to any lengths to get the children just to make life hell for the other person. I'm not saying this is what your father did but it is an option.

2. As others have said, there is a good chance that your mother didn't want to bad mouth your father to you and wanted you to make up your own mind. If you have never spoke to her about it, she might (naively) think that you are not as affected as you are.

I would suggest talking to your mother and finding out all the facts before getting angry with her. You are at the age now when you can decide that your father's behaviour is too much to deal with and adjust your life accordingly such as cutting down on the amount of time you spent with him if that's what you want, but your mother couldn't do that as she had kids with him. Maybe she thought she was doing the best for everyone and is clueless to how unhappy you are?

Don't speak to her when you are wound up. When you are both relaxed, bring the conversation around to how you are concerned with your father's behaviour/drinking. Tell her that he affected you and you don't feel like you can trust him. Tell her that you realise now as an adult how difficult it must have been all those years dealing with him. This opens up the conversation for her to treat you like an adult and respect how you are feeling and have that real discussion that you are looking for. Be patient with her. She might not be expecting this but on the other hand she might have seen this day coming for awhile and was just waiting for you to broach the subject.

I wish you all the best op.