Major dilemma

LegacyUser

Long time poster here but going unreg due to the nature of this.

Over the last month my whole world has come crashing down at the realisation that I was sexually abused as a young child. It happened me on only two occassions and by two different people. The first was a known paedophile who has over 100+ alllegations against him. The second is the one I'm having an unbelievable difficulty with as it was a sibling who was an young adult at the time it happened in the family home.

So since this has happened I find myself trapped between a rock and a hard place. I have an elderly parent who I have told of this abuse as well as two of my other siblings. Things get very complicated for a variety of reasons but at the end of it all what I need now is specialised counselling to see me through this. My problem here is that for my parent the single worst thing that can happen now is for any of this to be made public, what we're talking about here is someone who is deeply Catholic and couldn't live with the shame, says they couldnt ever go out in public again, would have to move house, etc, etc. I've no intention on going to the Gardai on a sibling or anything like that. But I've been to two different counselling organisations for assessment and both tell me about this new child protection legislation and how they would need to inform Tusla about this family member. Problem I have here is that although the family member doesnt work with children specifically they do come into contact with them as part of their job. Now I'm not familiar with the ins and outs of the new child protection regime but I understand that there is an early warning system whereby my councellor would inform the govt agency of the family members name and if they go to get Garda vetting down the line then a red light will flash and social workers are called in. At the moment I dont know if the family member has to get annual vetting but as they do come into contact with children I'd be surprised if it isn't the case.
Its important for me to say that this incidence of abuse happened over 20 years ago when my sibling was 18-19 years of age. They were irresponsible and out of control at the time and dealing with a major event. I'm not excusing the behaviour as it has devastated me but not for one minute do I believe this person to be any sort of threat to children, they are a totally different person now to how they were back then. Also what they did to me was likely more of a power thing than actual sexual abuse even though for me the results/consequences are still the same.

Anyhow thats the dilemma I find myself in. I feel like I can't get help for myself because doing so seems to involve reporting a family member, doing this would be the end of my parents life as that person knows it, my parent just couldn't handle it and already are really upset about it. I really don't know what to do or where to turn to get the counselling I need. The last thing I need is my sibling finding out about all this because if they do an almighty war will erupt, they will deny, deny, deny till the cows come home and I'll be labelled as "causing trouble". I'm delicate enough right now and don't have the strength for this kind of battle and need to avoid it for my own sake and the sake of my parent. But on the other hand I feel that I can't get help because of these new laws, I feel trapped and snookered.

Tokyo

Sorry for what you have been through OP - there really are no words that anyone else can say that will remotely compensate for what happened to you.

And I'm sorry to have to tell you this too, because I know that it goes against what you want to hear. But if this person still comes into contact with children as part of their job, then every day that passes, those children are at risk. And that goes far beyond Catholic guilt, family allegiances, or the possible shame that you are afraid that your parents might have to go through. After all, would you want one of those children (or another family member) to be posting here in 10, 15 years time, wishing that someone had stepped in when they were a kid?

I appreciate that you are caught between a rock and a hard place, and that this will drag up events that you might prefer to leave buried, but there really is only one right thing to do here - report this person as your counsellors have requested and let the cards fall where they may. At the moment you are making presumptions about how your parents may react, and you might be surprised at their actual reaction, should they find out that such a person was in their midst.

Rubberchikken

that is so tough TroubledSoul, and i'm so sorry.
it would be so much easier if this person was a stranger (for want of a better word), but it must be heartbreaking for it to be a family member, but you see how hard one incident was on you, could you live with the pain that this person could or has done the same to others?

no matter what decision you make, it won't be easy to do or easy to live with.

i genuinely can't say what you should do, i don't know what i would do in the situation.

could you speak to your parents again? they may be stronger than either they or you imagine.

good luck

LegacyUser

OP here again. I get the sentiment, truly I do. I've been agonising over what right I have to potentially deny another child being saved from the abuse I received. If I had any suspicion I wouldnt think twice about it but I've checked with my two other siblings who know about this and they both feel the same. The other issue is that my elderly parent is in depression at the moment because of this and other anxieties. They are already losing the will to live as it is and this going any further could tip them over an edge. For me I just need to get help but I feel like I cant as I have to think of my parents health on top of everything else

Magicmatilda

As far as I know even if they are prosecuted they cannot be named to protect YOUR identity, unless you waive that protection.

So even if it is reported to TUSLA and investigated, it would never have to become public knowledge.

Just to say aswell you are not responsible for your parent's health, you are not responsible for what happened. If they want to blame someone perhaps they could blame the person who abused you.

Also I think it would be worth talking with a counsellor anyway because as far as I know if you don't name the person who abused you then they cannot report. But you can discuss all that with a counsellor beforehand. National Counselling Servive is run by the HSE for people who were abused in childhood. Might be worth talking to them.