Need a woman perspective on what my ex is thinking (or anyones)

LegacyUser

First off allow me to give a timeline

Week 0. Ex breaks up with me saying she has lost feelings. Felt like this a while and feels we are happier apart.

Wèek 1. Her best friend breaks up with his girlfriend of 7 years. His ex contacts me thinking they broke up for each other. We were esch others first love/relationship and I know she's not like that. I tell her what his ex thinks. She says there is nothing . Just friends. Shes always been like that .

Week 2. I find out my ex and her best friend kissed. Challenged her. Said they were both locked and are just friends didn't mean anything. Again I said I believed her knew she wasn't that kind of person.

Went 3 weeks no contact then. Started noticing more nights out/pictures, social network interaction as a whole between the 2 except facebook really.

Now at week 7 pretty much announced as a couple Facebook and all.

Right so. Was with her for nearly 2.5 years. Felt meant to be from day 1. Just clicked both shy and all that. Was moving country just as she joined my job. Kept talking as after I moved, went out when I came back on holidays and eventually I moved back home for her. Madly in love , perfect couple , 2 years no fights. Kept being told how great a couple we were. Both family's got on. Had met so much of each others family's and just everything was perfect.

Went a bit downhill recently in the sense that we and mostly me just got too comfortable and lazy. Didnt do as much activities as we used too and just sat around in each others houses. About 3 weeks before the break up I was staying over and she got mad at me over little things which was sadly a pattern lately. I would never grt mad back would either try laugh it off with her or appolgize. Few days after that I said I would meet her after work but said then ai might make it up to you till later as my mam had taken the car. Again flipped threw text saying Im always changing plans and this is why she feels we are drifting apart and why she was mad lately. I would always ask her why she is mad and she would never tell me saying its nothing.

So me being me I forgot about most anger moments esch day and moved on not thinking anymore but seems deep down shes falling out of love with me but not really letting me know or telling me how she really feels or makibg any attempt to fix the situation. We still chat each night say I love you each night we left when we would see each other and she even recently called me the best boyfriend in the world and didnt deserve me.

So here I am in shock after the break up wondering where the hell it came from, was it something I did, how stupid I was for not realising her feelings and fixing it.

Basically girls Im wondering why after I meant so so much to her at 1 point has she moved on so quick, lied to me and not wanted to try fix our relationship. Not as if she hates me as it was her who twice suggested being friends.

We had been through so much holidays, birthdays, funerals on both sides . I thought I was moving on but I still find myself some nights breaking down and I still go every day thinking of her. The picture I paint is not good of her but I still has no hatred towards her st all and just want to understand what has happened.

Thoughts?

Sorry for the long long post

Plenty more info to add but enough for now.

Mr. Incognito

Its not that hard.

They decided they wanted to be with each other and not ye. She obviously has been thinking this wY for a while and has already moved on whereas its a shock to you.

Thats life. She wasnt the one for you. The only closure you get now is what you give yourself.

Delete her and him from all social media. Delete her number and move on. Itll take time but you will heal.

They ended their relationships and got together. They werent married to ye.

Thats life unfortunately.

Tokyo

Pretty much as Mr. Incognito said, that's part of life unfortunately. The breakup is a shock to you because, by your own admission you "moved on not thinking anymore", whereas she's been dwelling on it for quite a while, and has had a chance to cone to terms with the fact that your relationship was over before she told you. Who she's with now, or how long it took them to get together is irrelevant really - there's nothing to say that there was anything going on between them while you were together, so by all accounts she went about your breakup in the right way.

All you can do now is get on with your life - remove her from your social media (your post would indicate that you have your finger on the pulse of everything she's been up to in the past few weeks, which is quite unhealthy, and easy to cross the line into being intrusive), and invest yourself in other activities to get your mind off of it. Count on your friends as you need them. It'll take time, but you'll get past it.

Saipanne

They were probably having an affair, fell in love and decided to make a relationship together.

I would count both you and the other girl very lucky not ending up with this pair. Best of luck to you.

Neyite

Saipanne wrote: »

They were probably having an affair, fell in love and decided to make a relationship together.

I would count both you and the other girl very lucky not ending up with this pair. Best of luck to you.

Nothing in the timeline suggests that they were cheating.
Likely they realised their feelings went stronger than friendship, decided to do the decent thing and break up with their partners before getting together, and leaving a decent interval before going public about their relationship out of respect for their previous partners.

That sounds considerate and decent to me. The OP is hurting because it does hurt to see someone you still care about move on, and you haven't.

OP be the bigger person, wish them well (either in your head or if its appropriate, to them directly) and concentrate on your happiness. It will get better for you from here.

Saipanne

Neyite wrote: »

Nothing in the timeline suggests that they were cheating.
Likely they realised their feelings went stronger than friendship, decided to do the decent thing and break up with their partners before getting together, and leaving a decent interval before going public about their relationship out of respect for their previous partners.

That sounds considerate and decent to me. The OP is hurting because it does hurt to see someone you still care about move on, and you haven't.

OP be the bigger person, wish them well (either in your head or if its appropriate, to them directly) and concentrate on your happiness. It will get better for you from here.

That's because the timeline doesn't include this period. It's just my opinion, but these things are rarely as clean cut as you describe. There was probably some overlap.

Neyite

Saipanne wrote: »

That's because the timeline doesn't include this period. It's just my opinion, but these things are rarely as clean cut as you describe. There was probably some overlap.

So what then do you suggest the OP does about it?

ash23

I think OP that she has moved on. It's impossible for anyone here to know if she cheated, if she didn't, if it's a rebound with the new guy or if it's true love with him.

It's also impossible for you to know so the best thing you can do is just cut ties and try to move on. Easier said than done, I know. But eventually you will get over it.

Stop focusing on her and start focusing on yourself.

Saipanne

Neyite wrote: »

So what then do you suggest the OP does about it?

Move on. Nothing else to be done. He wanted to know how it could be so quick, I'm suggesting it wasn't as quick as it seemed. My theory makes more sense than this idea of a Victorian love story, where through fleeting glances this pair found true love. More likely they had an affair. Nothing quick about it.

LegacyUser

But why the lies?. Is it I maturity?. For reference shes 20 and im 23 so os just her ly8ng to me cause its the easiest way?.

I am trying to move on guys but when 2 months agp you were still talking about being together forever and being told everyday by thr girl I loved how amazing I was its tough. To me there wqs no real break down in the relationship prior to it.

Is there any chance its some form of rebound, both of them just filling the void left?

sunshine and showers

The lies is because it was easier than admitting that they both wanted to be together instead of with you and his ex.

She probably meant it when she said she loved you and you were amazing, but unfortunately she doesn't feel that way anymore. You need to move on for your own sake. And don't do the "friends" route - it's mostly a myth. If you are going to ever really be friends, you need at least six months of not talking to each other first. Delete both of them from social media. Delete her number. Go through the pain of heartbreak and come out the other side. All you're going to do with wondering about all this is delay the inevitable realisation that your relationship is over and she's not coming back.

Best of luck, OP. It's a shít time going through the end of a relationship, but you'll be ok in the end.

Matteroffact

You are both very young so at your age relationships have a habit of getting boring after a while because you are too young to make plans to get married and unless a relationship is progressing it becomes stale. The new guy is a bit of diversion for her and there is no guarantee it will last. You will find someone new too. Just let all of this pan out. You could get back together in the future, sometimes this can happen. Don't put your life on hold waiting though.

crazy maisie

SO you say you got too comfortable! Maybe this New guy just showed interest where you didn't. You say you just brushed off arguments. You really should have shown more interest in seeing what the problem was.

But now as she is your ex you need to forget about her. Unfollow her on Facebook too, you don't need updates on what they are doing.

I wouldn't expect to remain friends just cos you used to be friends. Just stay polite and keep your distance. There will be other ladies who may take your fancy.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe the truth is as simple as her coming to realise you weren't the guy for her. Despite what you'd like to think, there might not be anything at all you could've done differently to change the outcome. Those arguments towards the end could be read as her picking fights because this friend of hers was on the scene in some way or another. As for the lies, maybe she was lying to herself as much as she was to you. Trying to figure out if she wanted to stay with your or get with her friend.

Anyway, for your own good you really need to let this go before it consumes you. She has moved on - perhaps she'd moved on from the relationship quite a while before she ended it with you. It is also worth noting your ages. People change a lot in their late teens/early twenties so maybe the relationship had run its course but you just couldn't see it.

LegacyUser

crazy maisie wrote: »

SO you say you got too comfortable! Maybe this New guy just showed interest where you didn't. You say you just brushed off arguments. You really should have shown more interest in seeing what the problem was.

But now as she is your ex you need to forget about her. Unfollow her on Facebook too, you don't need updates on what they are doing.

I wouldn't expect to remain friends just cos you used to be friends. Just stay polite and keep your distance. There will be other ladies who may take your fancy.

We both did I guess. I should have realised something was wrong but she never really opened up the 2 times at most I asked het why she was in a random bad mood.

My first relationship too so inexperience at seen the signs ?. But still getting to comfortable and have 2/3 minor fights to me doesn't = equal the end of a relationship to me.

And yeah with the arguments I tried to make her dmile which I proud myself in being able too do. We never had any huge relationship fights so not lile I was laughing them off if you get me.

Ive not unfriended her but hidden hers and his posts from my time line to ease myself.

More fish in the sea and all that I know guys but really thought I had hit the jackpot and with my first girlfriend I found the person I would the rest of my life with

DukeOfTheSharp

I've seen this happen and it's happened to me, and to put it bluntly: your ex lied. She knew the guy, two people don't break up - who know each other - within that space of time, get together within seven weeks and hadn't been estranged for a time prior to that. My advice? Forget her, move on, because as hard as it is to accept, she had moved on long before she dumped you and you could never have avoided this. And next time, go out with someone closer to your age (I mean a year younger at most, two-to-three years older at best). She was too young for you and your life experiences would've differed entirely across that two and a half year span.

LegacyUser

Look, she may have thought you were amazing and fell head over heels for you. Its called infatuation.

But after a while the honeymoon ended and she realised that she was not very happy at all. You refer to "random" arguments. They weren't random - they were indicative of deep unhappiness and confusion on her part. You weren't making an effort, and just laughed off her concerns. And yeah, you could make her laugh too - but I guarantee that later that night, staring at the ceiling, she knew nothing had changed.

She dumped you because she wasn't happy. You seem to find that hard to believe. Maybe, being young, she didn't give you as much notice as you needed, but tbh break-ups are often like that. The person breaking it off think they gave a thousand hints and chances, and the other person was oblivious all along, and think it came from a clear blue sky. The truth is often in the middle.

As for the new relationship? Its easy to shift someone you've known for a thousand years when locked and newly single. And its easy to keep on shifting them cos they're familiar, and comforting, and nice, and non-threatening. Doesn't mean its gonna be the love affair of the century, tbh.

Yurt2

Miss 2303 wrote: »

Look, she may have thought you were amazing and fell head over heels for you. Its called infatuation.

But after a while the honeymoon ended and she realised that she was not very happy at all. You refer to "random" arguments. They weren't random - they were indicative of deep unhappiness and confusion on her part. You weren't making an effort, and just laughed off her concerns. And yeah, you could make her laugh too - but I guarantee that later that night, staring at the ceiling, she knew nothing had changed.
.

The ex was fundamentally dishonest with the breakup.
She was at least emotionally elsewhere with someone else during the relationship, if not physically. Not sure why you're laying such behaviour at his door. It's not the OP's fault that the ex chose the path she chose.

Those arguments can reasonably be explained as the ex starting conflict as a means to get out of the relationship and seeking to assign the failure of the relationship all on him, even though he may not have necessarily have done nothing wrong. It's a common mind trick people play on themselves when they're mistreating another, seeking to absolve themselves of the guilt of what they're about to do or have done, so they conjure a conflict out of nowhere and blame the other person for minor things to 'even the score' in their own minds.

You're well rid of her OP. It stings for now, but you'll bounce back stronger.

Idle Passerby

It's a fairly cut and dried situation really. The relationship was stale, she was unhappy and wanted out (hence picking fights) and eventually bit the bullet and ended it.

It was none of your business to question her about her current romantic status, or to be keeping tabs on what she was up to.

From what you've said I would guess that her and her friend had developed feelings for each towards the end of both their previous relationships. By the sounds of it they both handled it well. Left their respective partners and waited a respectable amount of time before publicly getting together. They might have planned it this way, they might not have.

It's normal to be pissed off and upset about it but neither of them have actually done anything wrong by breaking up with people they were no longer happy with, they actually did you a favour. It only seems like she's moving fast to you because the break up was a shock to you but it was something she knew was coming for a while. She's had more time to come to terms with it than you.

As others have said, relationships end, and life goes on. If she didn't want to be with you, she wasn't the right one for you, regardless of how much you thought she was.

LegacyUser

2 weeks after 2 years is appropriate?? and rubbing it in my face on social media saying how happy she and had the best weekend ever is fine too?. it is my business if she breaks up with me saying she loves me just not in love but the real reason is shes fallen for someone else. my only issue is the lies. anyway her immurity and way she has gone on lately have helped me move on and realise if sadly thats the person she is im better offn

Stavro Mueller

Look, by the time someone decides to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend they've already started moving on in their head. Your ex girlfriend was already in a different place by the time she got around to breaking up with you.

I'm sorry but it is absolutely none of your business what she did once she ended things with you. This is exactly why cutting contact is always the best thing to do once a couple splits. You're checking her Facebook page and keeping tabs on her movements, all the time getting more bitter and resentful. For your own sake cut contact with her, stop looking at her Facebook page and get on with your life. If you keep this up it's going to. consume you.

Saipanne

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Look, by the time someone decides to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend they've already started moving on in their head. Your ex girlfriend was already in a different place by the time she got around to breaking up with you.

I'm sorry but it is absolutely none of your business what she did once she ended things with you. This is exactly why cutting contact is always the best thing to do once a couple splits. You're checking her Facebook page and keeping tabs on her movements, all the time getting more bitter and resentful. For your own sake cut contact with her, stop looking at her Facebook page and get on with your life. If you keep this up it's going to. consume you.

Yeah, I'd recommend using the "block" feature on both hers and his Facebook pages. That way, their photos and comments will never pop up on your wall.

Idle Passerby

aynom_2351 wrote: »

2 weeks after 2 years is appropriate?? and rubbing it in my face on social media saying how happy she and had the best weekend ever is fine too?.

The unfortunate truth is it would have been well within her rights to get together with him the day after ending it with you and his girlfriend. Maybe not very tactful or wise but they would have been doing nothing morally wrong since they were both free agents by then.

They are not rubbing it in your face by putting it on facebook. They've moved on, its none of your business what her relationship status is now.

I know it's hit you like a ton of bricks and I feel for you, its an awful situation to be in but she broke up with you, her life stopped being your business at that point. Yes, its heartbreaking, humiliating and infuriating, but all you can do about it is realise life isn't always fair and try to avoid seeing things that will upset you. Best of luck.