Told me he has feelings for his ex, dont know where it leaves us. Please help

BMBM123

I was seeing a guy for the past two months, everything was going good until this week where he only text me once to day his head was all over the place and was sorry for not being in touch. I got no reply so tried phoning yesterday and he text saying he was really sorry that if things were different who knows, bye for now. I asked him what was going on and he said I was a lovely girl but he wasn't over his ex and was in a bad place at the min. I said does this mean he is cutting me loose and he said has been down since it happened and thought by meeting other girls it would help but this week he wasnt able to go anything (go to college etc) and said he wanted to meet me but his mate advised him not to by the way he was feeling? I tried to reach out and give him advice and told him I was here as a friend if he needed me. Bad idea I know. Truth is I am gutted I really like him and dont want to lose him. I dont know whether I should text him and tell him how much I liked him and how much he has hurt me by treating me so badly or just leave him. I feel like he's sending me mixed signals in a way with bye for now and saying hes in a bad place and not answering me when I asked about cutting me loose. Should I text him or leave him?

Also I have a key to his apartment which I was going to leave in his post box next week so we wouldnt have to meet and text to let him know it was there. Is this a good idea?
Would really appreciate any advice at the minute because Im all over the place and dont really know what it means for us. Thanks

R.D. aka MR.D

Think yourself lucky that he was mature enough to let you know that he isn't interested.


Did he ask for the key? If not, just leave it to one side and forget about it and him. Move on.

It's annoying but would you want to be with someone who wants to be with someone else?

You're worth more than that.

BMBM123

He could have treated me a bit better though than sending me cryptic text messages. At the end of the day I done nothing wrong and if he had any decency he wouldnt treat me like this.

Tokyo

Unfortunately for you, the guy isn't emotionally available to have a relationship with anybody right now, and although I imagine that you are hurting over this right now, be thankful that he was honest enough to admit to that in the end. It is unfortunate, but sometimes people only realise that they aren't able to enter into a new relationship just yet, after they've actually tried and realise that it's not working, and I think that's the case here. The best advice I can give you is probably the advice you don't want to hear - cut loose of this guy, and find somebody that can actually be in a relationship with you.

BMBM123

He could have treated me a bit better though than sending me cryptic text messages. At the end of the day I done nothing wrong and if he had any decency he wouldnt treat me like this.
No he didnt ask for it but I dont want it either.
No but he did want me up until last week. He sounds very confused and stressed so I suppose I am hoping against hope if I give him space we can talk about it.

BMBM123

mike_ie wrote: »

Unfortunately for you, the guy isn't emotionally available to have a relationship with anybody right now, and although I imagine that you are hurting over this right now, be thankful that he was honest enough to admit to that in the end. The best advice I can give you is probably the advice you don't want to hear - cut loose of this guy, and find somebody that can actually be in a relationship with you.

I know your right but its just the way he said "if things were different who knows" and bye "for now" it gave me hope we could at least be friends in the future because hes not a bad guy. I hate just cutting off all communication with a person I felt something for ya know

CaraMay

So you are waiting around for a guy, who you consider has no decency and ego has treated you badly, to pick you again?

BMBM123

CaraMay wrote: »

So you are waiting around for a guy, who you consider has no decency and ego has treated you badly, to pick you again?

Im all over the place caramay. Im angry but yet dont want to cut all ties with him either, I do understand how he feels but would still like a friendship at the end of it all. Deep down I know he is a good guy and people like him dont walk by every day. Im just hurt

Stavro Mueller

I can't see how meeting him will do anything other than fry his brain some more and hurt you. Let's be honest here - you don't want to be this guy's friend. You're hoping that if you hang around long enough he'll come to his senses and come back to you. I'm not sure what exactly there is to talk about either. By telling him that you really like him, you're just going to pile on the guilt. Are you hoping to guilt him into getting back with you. He has told you everything you need to know but you just don't want to hear it .

As for the apartment key, I'd just quietly pop it back in his postbox some day soon and say nothing.

BMBM123

So I just have to accept I wont hear or see this guy again just like that?

Stavro Mueller

Look, hard and all as it is to hear this, you are better off cutting contact with him. All that talk of being his friend has an agenda. You're mad about him and want to be his girlfriend. Not a platonic friend who's left sitting on the sidelines if he meets another woman or gets back with his ex. He didn't handle this break-up very well but that is what it is. He realised that despite his best efforts, he still has feelings for his ex. Not for you.

It is possible for exes to be friends but that's usually when time has passed and both people are singing off the same hymnsheet. You're not.

CaraMay

But he is not a good guy, by my standards anyway... Ye had an intense and intimate relationship for two months and then he blanks you for a week and dumps you by text. That's not a good guy

BMBM123

Thanks for your comments and opinions guys. Regardless the key, Im sure he will need it when moving out as he doesnt have a spare (its a back door key linked to his room). Will I leave it in the post box and tell him/dont tell him, text him in a week or two and ask him does he want it back or will I dump it or say nothing and throw it away?

Stavro Mueller

I don't think dumping it would be a nice thing to do, regardless of how he ended things with you. If he checks for post regularly he'll get the key. If he doesn't get much post, there is a risk he'll not know it's in there. Is there a concierge in his building?
You could send him a text to say the key's in his postbox but be careful about this. If he doesn't reply or simply texts back "thanks" that may hurt you. If it leads to more texts it'll give you false hope.

CaraMay

Put it in an envelope in the post box and delete his number

mapaca

CaraMay wrote: »

Put it in an envelope in the post box and delete his number

I agree. Texting him about it will only leave you open to being hurt again when he doesn't respond or just says"thanks". I know it's hard but the best thing to do is to cut all contact. You're not going to be able to be friends while you still have feelings for him.

You've been hurt and let down. Take some time to spoil yourself, spend time with friends, try to keep busy. It will get easier.

Matteroffact

I don't believe the guy did anything wrong. He told you he didn't want a relationship with you and how he said it or did it is of no consequence as his message is loud and clear and that is the only thing you need to concentrate on. It is hard to face rejection but we have all gone through it and it is part and parcel of life. Do not try and pursue this guy, he is not for you.

Oink

BMBM123 wrote: »

So I just have to accept I wont hear or see this guy again just like that?

"Sometimes you just have to
walk away,
walk away..."

It's a crap situation OP, but a clean break is generally best. Give yourself time to grieve. Then maybe...

Edit: then MAYBE you might become friends. It's never worked for me.

Tilikum

Matteroffact wrote: »

I don't believe the guy did anything wrong. He told you he didn't want a relationship with you and how he said it or did it is of no consequence as his message is loud and clear and that is the only thing you need to concentrate on. It is hard to face rejection but we have all gone through it and it is part and parcel of life. Do not try and pursue this guy, he is not for you.

'I don't believe the guy did anything wrong'? He dumped the girl by text ffs!! Then says his 'friend' sent the text. What age is he 12?

I'm sorry but this whole thing of not getting over the ex, sounds like a crock of you know what to me. Sounds like this lad wanted one thing.

Forgot about him. Find someone that will treat you like a princess.

shalalala

Better to know now then in three years! (personal experience).

Just put the key in the post box and leave it at that. It is hard but there will be someone better for you!

pc7

Maybe his head is all over the place, it can be hard getting over an ex. OP see how you are reacting after only a few weeks of dating (if he was with his ex longer then maybe you can understand why he's not ready). Better you know now than a year down the line. As another poster said delete his number/Facebook and any of that stuff, post the key back and wish him well. Try not be so angry and look forward and move on.

Flutterby80

Tilikum wrote: »

'I don't believe the guy did anything wrong'? He dumped the girl by text ffs!! Then says his 'friend' sent the text. What age is he 12?

I'm sorry but this whole thing of not getting over the ex, sounds like a crock of you know what to me. Sounds like this lad wanted one thing.


Forgot about him. Find someone that will treat you like a princess.

He didn't say that his friend sent the text he said that his friend advised him not to meet with the Op as his head was all over the place.
Op I know it hurts but at least he was honest enough to tell you now rather than drag it out another couple of months. It sounds to me like you were his "rebound" he was probably really hoping that he was over his ex but now he's had to admit to himself that he isn't. I'm sorry I know it's really hard but at least he had the decency to be upfront even if it was only by text.
You say your hoping to be friends but really your not, your hoping that he will change his mind when he won't. You need to have some self respect and walk away now, at least it's only 2 months of your life so chalk it down to experience and move on. I'm sorry your feeling so hurt.

Guffy

Did you ever consider that he hooked up with his ex

Typer Monkey

Or he's just not feeling it and is using the line 'my head's messed up over my ex' as a handy line. People don't always tell the truth when ending a relationship for a variety of reasons, mostly selfish. They don't want to hurt you further, they want it over quickly without emotionally wrought discussions, they don't want to feel worse about themselves etc. Or he could be telling the truth. Either way he's entitled to not see you anymore if he doesn't want to. You can't help how you feel but being angry towards him doesn't help anyone.

You had a short relationship so the only message you need to be hearing is that he doesn't want to continue seeing you (for whatever reason). Chalk it down to experience and don't chase him. You should aspire to be with someone who can't stop thinking about you and is dying to see you. Don't take crumbs from a half hearted person.

Katgurl

I actually feel completely irritated reading this thread.

You were with him for two months, he ended it, you wanted to stay with him. Ok the text message wasn't the best medium but even so, the message is the same - he is not prepared to be with you. Why can't you just accept his decision? You did nothing wrong? So what? He didn't enter into a permanent contract with you, he is entitled to finish things.

What's with all the messign with the key? Throw it away / post it back / do whatever. Initiating some further communication isn't going to change his mind.

Really & truly, the best thing you can do is develop some coping mechanisms for handling disappointment. Yes, its rubbish to be on the receiving end of rejection but we can't all get what we want all the time. Nobody does, nobody. Even Kelly Brook, Jennifer Aniston & the rest of the alleged most beautiful women in the world get red-carded.

Concentrated on moving on instead of resenting him for not feeling the same or trying to engineer an reunion.

ManOfMystery

Good advice above. A relationship takes 2 people to make it work. If one isn't interested, there is no relationship and no amount of persuasion/pleading/begging will change that. You say you 'dont' want to lose him' - unfortunately that is not your decision in this scenario.

People who suffer problems and mistakes in relationships can resolve them if they're still BOTH intent on making it work. But when someone doesn't actually want to be in a relationship, it won't work. It sucks I know, but you just have to accept these things and move on. Better that he's done it now than 2 or 3 yrs down the line.

BMBM123

Hi all. I need some advice once again. Since I last posted he text me to apologise for the way he handled things, he told me he would be lucky to have me but was just in a bad place at the minute and asked me to forgive him. I didn't contact him for two weeks but text him last weekend to ask how he was and he said he was feeling better and told me I had some of my stuff at his place and said I could call round at any time to collect it. With that I said could I call this weekend and waited all week and got no reply. Why would he say I can collect my stuff then not text me back? I am so confused with this guy, I gave him time like he asked now I am just getting to the point where I feel I need to talk to him and clear this up. What should I do?

Tokyo

You're getting the run around. Don't ask next time - text to say that you will be calling round on XXXX night to pick up your stuff, and you'd appreciate if he or someone else would have it ready for you. Call around on the evening arranged and collect your stuff from whoever happens to be there. Then walk away and don't look back.

CaraMay

You need to do what you were told in earlier posts - walk away totally. He really is a head melt but you are letting him treat you like this. I'm sure you can do without the stuff at his place so text him once to say he can dump it and then block him.

BMBM123

I don't understand why he would tell me to call and collect it and when I try arrange a time he completely bails?

Stavro Mueller

Possibly because he can't stomach the thoughts of coming face to face with you? He seems to like going to ground and hiding rather than dealing with problems head on.

CaraMay

BMBM123 wrote: »

I don't understand why he would tell me to call and collect it and when I try arrange a time he completely bails?

It's what he does. He likes the ego boost. Don't contact him again - walk away!

BMBM123

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Possibly because he can't stomach the thoughts of coming face to face with you? He seems to like going to ground and hiding rather than dealing with problems head on.

Yes it looks like that and it's getting incredibly frustrating. I have given him space and tried to go the right thing by him and he didn't even have the decency to reply to a bloody text

Stavro Mueller

I think Mike's advice is the way to go. Text with a date and time and stick to that. It sounds like he's terrified of coming face to face with you and having to hold a conversation about it. It's very easy to text the insincere crap he has been sending you from a distance. Don't fall for his mealy mouthed words. He has no intention of ever dating you again.

Did you ever return that key by the way?

BMBM123

No not yet I'll give it back when I collect my other stuff

skallywag

Fair play to the lad for being honest with you, many may have taken the easier path. You can pretty much give up on him I am afraid OP, I can see no benefit from keeping in touch in any way. He should have the decency to give you twenty minutes of facetime though.

ABajaninCork

Text and tell him the time and place to get your gear. But don't go there yourself - Send a friend/relative to collect it for you. If he doesn't show, I'd be sending another text giving him another date telling him you (or your agent) will be turning up with a Gard escort to get your gear. That should concentrate his mind...

Typer Monkey

What is the stuff that he has? If it's cosmetics etc that you can live without just write them off and don't contact him again. It sounds like he was the first to bring up the stuff and you didn't mention it in your OP so I doubt it's all that important to you. I think you're using the stuff as an excuse to stay in contact and see him again. I don't mean to be harsh but he's not interested in a relationship with you. He's ignoring your messages and feeding you lines but you just keep sticking your hand out to be slapped by contacting him.

No good is coming from hearing from him. The only person you can control is yourself so do yourself a favour and cut this guy off for good

tinz18

I may be completely wrong but sounds like he's trying to keep you on the scene/hooked until he decides what he wants. As long as he has your stuff he has a semi-legitimate reason to contact you. I would send a text with when you want your stuff, if he doesn't reply turn up on that date with a friend and ask for your stuff back. If he's not there, leave the message with his housemates and give him a final date for pickup or to drop them to yours. After this, if your stuff is replaceable cut him off or tell him you'll have to go down the gardai/legal route to get it back.

Also make sure you have ALL your stuff before leaving. My ex tried this stunt after breaking up with me, I was a month waiting to get my bits back including some console games belonging to my brother but he wouldn't give them back even though the day of breaking up I wanted to collect them so it would be properly over. When he did he had conveniently left out the remote for my media drive- he didn't take it well when I told him to drop it at my friends house which was in the same estate as his as I had no interest in meeting up again. He thought that I'd have to chase him to get it back (it was an expensive specialized drive) and ergo he had a bargaining chip to keep himself in my life.

BMBM123

Typer Monkey wrote: »

What is the stuff that he has? If it's cosmetics etc that you can live without just write them off and don't contact him again. It sounds like he was the first to bring up the stuff and you didn't mention it in your OP so I doubt it's all that important to you.

There are a few cosmetics but there nearly empty to be fair and all I can think of is a scarf and maybe a DVD so the fact he even suggested I call for these is slightly puzzling

Tasden

Well in that case just forget about them and don't contact him again. If he texts about collecting them or whatever just say its ok they're not that important, then ignore him.

CaraMay

But you are thinking of calling to get them. Text him and tell him to dump it and just walk away.

tinz18

In that case walk away OP. None of that stuff is worth having to deal with him again. He's trying to keep you on the hook- let him go and move on- there's plenty more guys out there that don't pull stuff like that.

ABajaninCork

CaraMay wrote: »

But you are thinking of calling to get them. Text him and tell him to dump him and just walk away.

In my last post, I thought it was a lot of stuff the OP left!! If it's just cosmetics, then I don't think you should even call him. Delete his number and get to stepping...

road_high

OP run and don't look back...meeting him will only drag up feelings, don't waste your energy. Been there done that.

Dixie Chick

BMBM123 wrote: »

Typer Monkey wrote: »

What is the stuff that he has? If it's cosmetics etc that you can live without just write them off and don't contact him again. It sounds like he was the first to bring up the stuff and you didn't mention it in your OP so I doubt it's all that important to you.

There are a few cosmetics but there nearly empty to be fair and all I can think of is a scarf and maybe a DVD so the fact he even suggested I call for these is slightly puzzling

Its not all that puzzling, he is after messing with your head now and knows that you will call whenever he texts. He will text when he is horny or needing a boost again and you will go back.

You cant see the wood for the trees now as its got you in a tizz but maybe you don't want to move on...it doesn't seem like you do.