life is one big mess

LegacyUser

facts

36 male
lone parent and work full time

my salary is very very low. I get no assistance whatsoever from the state but I have to rely on the SVP to provide food tokens the last 2 weeks of each month

My salary is spent on my rent, childminding costs and afterschool fees and whatever my daughter needs

I have never had a night out in 6 years, my child is 6. I love her but Im very lonely as I have no time to myself. Im either in work or looking to my child.

I have given up hope of meeting a woman as I have no money, I cant get out to meet one either


If I gave up my job and went on benefits I would lose my apartment as the rent allowance threshold is well below the average rent of a place in dublin,

I have no family to help or rely on, so Im paying all the time for childminders to collect and bring to afterschool and bring home

Going onto work.... Ive lost my confidence in my job, Im under pressure to make my deadlines to come home on time and this means I cant work early or late which I hate.

Im seen as a lame duck there and treated as much taht way too

im just so lonely and so broke.

Its not fair on my child either, im constantly tired and worried. I want whats best for her

Her mother is not on the scene at all, completely gone and has no interest or any rights to see my daughter. her family dont help out either


when I was with the mum and my daughter was newly born I was earning big money and money was not an issue

now Im living worse than most people who are on benefits. I havent bought clothes in literally years for myself as it goes to my daughter. when I do its from the 2nd hand shop

I dont see the point somedays in what im doing. there is no answer is there

just carry on until I collapse I suppose

thanks

Jenneke87

This might sound silly and I hope you take no offence but would it be an option to perhaps cut back in hours so you don't have the afterschool and childminding fees, see if that evens each other out of maybe even saves some money? Maybe instead of afterschool, there are parents who mind children in their own house who are way cheaper than afterschool or childminders, this might perhaps free up some money for yourself. Could you move to a place cheaper than where you live now?

You sound like you are on the verge of a breakdown and that will certainly not help you or your girl. If you don't have family to help you out, what about neighbours, or other children that she plays with where she might spend an afternoon every now and then?

Don't know what else to advice you but I wish you and your girl all the best and please don't give up.

Merkin

You poor thing, sounds like you are really struggling. Have you considered finding a higher paid job? Sounds like life would be a little easier if you weren't so financially stretched.

PopTarts

Are you claiming Family Income Supplement / One Parent Family??

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social_welfare/social_welfare_payments/social_welfare_payments_to_families_and_children/family_income_supplement.html

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social_welfare/social_welfare_payments/social_welfare_payments_to_families_and_children/one_parent_family_payment.html

LegacyUser

op here

Unfortunately I cant take on a higher paid job as it means additional responsibilities which Im unable to do. I cant work back a couple of hours each night after 5 or come in early too.

Im not making excuses as I have tried over the years and it just cant be done

Regarding friends/neighbours. Yes some will help but I need to pay them and pay them quite well too

I dont qualify for FIS as im earning just slightly over their cut off

I have spoken to a TD and SVP help with food vouchers



I get assistance with the afterschool. the local school in our area has none so I pay a childminder to collect from the school to bring to the afterschool. there are closer afterschools than the one I have but none are government assisted like this one so I have no real choice

Despite this and my original post im a very positive person and just get on with things. Things are tough get on with it. life is tough type off attitude

However, now Im feeling I need help but just dont know realistically what can be done

Maybe im just letting it out on here to vent my frustrations and people to read.

I speak to nobody, Im in work or im at home. I have no money to pay a childminder so I could go out and if I did go out I would have no money in my pocket anyway haha

im university educated and have a professional qualification I am 50% completed and working to complete

bp

You sound like a wonderful parent who is doing his best by his daughter.

I would go to your local welfare officer and hopefully they could help

Rubberchikken

You sound like you're doing your best for your family. Like you say maybe you just need to vent but it is tough, very tough .

You could speak to the community welfare officer. I honestly don't know if they 'd be of any use but it's worth a shot.

I know it's not any consolation but you won't always have childcare costs.
Look longterm, your raising your daughter and she'll see a dad who did his very best for her and for himself

Good luck

Autonomous

Would you consider a move to a different city, new job, cheaper accommodation, maybe a fresh chance to meet someone?

Pat Mustard

Sorry to hear this, OP.

It strikes me that you are caught in a trap. On the one hand, your job doesn't pay enough for you, a reasonably young, single man, to ever meet a woman. On the other hand, your job just about pays for your apartment.

You have a job that doesn't pay enough and an apartment that uses up whatever you earn.

My advice: ditch the two of them.

Get a better job. It might sound like a bullsh!t thing to say, but a career is not down to luck for most people, it's down to a decision about what you want and delivering on that decision. In other words, getting a job is a job in itself. Getting the job you want isn't easy; I'd say that most people haven't managed it. There are wiser people than me, who can advise you in that regard.

The other thing is the apartment. It may be difficult to find another place, but being realistic, you cannot afford that apartment. Therefore, you have to find somewhere cheaper to live. From what you are saying, it seems to me that the apartment is holding you back in that it restricts your other decisions. Not being able to buy clothes because of the cost of rent is not a situation which is acceptable. I don't think that you should accept that.

As you are struggling so much financially, perhaps you could pay a visit to your community welfare officer and see if there are any allowances to which you may be entitled.

I think that if you decide to change your job and ditch that apartment, things will get harder for you rather than easier, in the short term. But once you get through that transitionary phase, things should start looking up.

dellas1979

You should most definitely NOT talk yourself out of going for a higher paid salary, due to your circumstance.

You are already putting yourself in a situation that you are not even (yet) in (having to work longer hours). You havent even done an interview yet

There are ways and negotiations, in the work place (in the case of having to work extra hours and your personal life). But you are after pinning yourself, unfairly, as "deadwood". Are you a good, productive worker? Go, apply, have interviews, and then you might have a case to say this.

But you are sabotaging yourself, your prospects, and your future, before you've even started.

All you need is a chance and a lucky break, but its not going to happen until you start trying and putting yourself out there. That is the hardest part!

LegacyUser

I second the posts above, but OP can I also suggest you try and find someone to talk to? LIke a counsellor? (not a psychiatrist) Many counsellors do reduced fees these days for those who are struggling. Your local GP may be able to suggest a few names, or if they have a big enough clinic, they might have someone working out of there.

"Despite this and my original post im a very positive person and just get on with things. Things are tough get on with it. life is tough type off attitude".....your sentence there - that's ok, but we all need help sometimes. Even just someone to unload on for an hour for a couple of weeks, maybe they might give you a different outlook on what you are doing and give you some other ideas. Don't just plough on until you're absolutely desperate, don't be afraid to talk to someone. You're in a stressful situation and while you're really doing your best, we all need a bit of help sometimes. Don't forget to look after yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Just looking at it from the opposite point of view.

Is there any possibility of you getting a part time job until your daughter won't need afterschool any more? I could be wrong but as far as I know when you work 20 hours or less, then you would qualify for more benefits and you would also not have to pay for afterschool etc.

Have you tried Citizens Information who are very informative and helpful. Perhaps MABS could also help.

Also on a social level, is there anything like a Mens Shed in your area where you could go just to talk to other people and wouldn't cost anything?

Best of luck - your daughter is lucky to have a dad like you.

BabysCoffee

Hi OP,

Just want to lend a voice of support. You sound like a brilliant Dad, your daughter is very lucky.
Just remember that things won't always be like this and hopefully they will get better.
When your daughter gets older you won't need to pay as much on childcare.

In the mean time is there any parent and child activities in places like your local library - you may meet others who can support you? Or single parent meetups.

Are you in an urban area? Is there the opportunity to move to lower cost accommodation? Perhaps a house share with another single parent - you could perhaps share childminding duties to cut costs?

Take care and good luck.

December2012

Any possibility of meeting up with other parents at the weekend - say at a park or nearby playground?

Contact Treoir - they are an organisation for single parents.

Could you get an au pair?

CaraMay

Can you get an au pair which would allow you more freedom wtb your working hours plus a but of free time for yourself. They may also help out with your daughters homework, some cooking and light housework.

macnug

Cant believe nobody has mentioned the mother. Op just because she has no interest, doesn't mean she doesn't have a financial responsibility. If the the roles were reversed I guarantee shed be going after you.

Triceratops Ballet

macnug wrote:

Cant believe nobody has mentioned the mother. Op just because she has no interest, doesn't mean she doesn't have a financial responsibility. If the the roles were reversed I guarantee shed be going after you.

I agree, interested or not she has a financial responsibility to her child. Your local citizens information should be able to assist you in finding out how to go about chasing her, and you should children cant just be cast aside because a parent has no interest.

In terms of counselling there is an organisation called mymind they offer free or reduced counselling to those who cant afford it. They have locations around Dublin

Best of luck op, I hope things get easier for you.

Mok

Hi Op,

I don't have any advice for you as it seems to me you are aware of all the support available or it has been mentioned by someone already.

I just wanted to say from reading your posts I see a successfull dad who is doing everything to put his daughter's needs first so I don't think you are failing. Yeah there might be a few changes to be made in future so that you can also have the life and career you want, but try not to lose sight of what you have achieved so far in terms of raising your daughter. Not a mean feat for a couple not to mention a loan parent.

biketard

imfailing wrote: »

I dont see the point somedays in what im doing. there is no answer is there

Hey OP. Just wanted to say that although you may not see the point some days, each day that you do this is another day that you are selflessly supporting your daughter, and helping her to grow and develop into the wonderful human being that she is. One day you will look back on this and be so proud of yourself for having done this (hopefully you already see this). Please don't ever lose sight of that fact.

I really don't have any answers regarding the financial side of your problems, since I'm living in Taiwan and am really out of touch with what's available these days. However, I wanted to let you know that you seem like a totally dedicated Dad and I hope things improve for you soon (I'm hopeful that they will).

Just a quick question. You say you're treated like a lame duck at work. Are they aware of your situation at home?

LegacyUser

thank you for the replies, after posting my original post I felt like I was a bit whiny and full of self pity

I have suffered one more setback which was to be fair an oversight on my part.

My daughter's medical card expired and I received no renewal form and due to working everyday I never actually noticed that it had expired.

The afterschool rang to inform that due to it being expired I am no longer eligible to continue bringing my daughter there anymore as it is government funded. As I dont have the medical card I longer meet the needs

I have since put in for the medical card, spoke to my GP as well as local TD and explained the situation and also my personal situation how that I really need this service as im struggling as it is and if I have to pay an afterschool with full rates I will have to give up my job

The more worrying aspect is that my child is very settled in this afterschool and has great friends and real warmth towards the teachers there.

I am very hopeful thought that this will be rectified and my child will continue on there, just very stressful now on the wait

I realise and fully take ownership off this oversight, it was just something I let slip and did not realise the magnitude in doing so


Work have given me a few days off to sort this out and also my wages, I have not been receiving the lone parent tax rate but am now doing so going forward.

I am also taking this time to fully asses my options, be it continue here, relocate possibly to a smaller town elsewhere

The rent I am currently paying whilst very expensive on my wage is definitely below market rates in dublin

Regarding an au pair, they are out my price range and also I wouldnt have anywhere to accommodate them either.

I am happy to do my little ones homework after work and her dinner as its time I have with her and she prefers me doing it with her as well for that reason to I assume

Hopefully I will use this time off to think of a proper solution once and for all

thanks

CaraMay

You can back claim the lone parent for 4 years I think so do it now before year end.

Dark Phoenix

+1 to that you can usually go back 4 years for unclaimed amounts (ive done it for med 1) its well worth doing.

Also you need to pursue your childs mother for financial support. It doesnt matter than she has no custody or involvement, she has a financial obligation.

in terms of work stop behaving like you are no good because you cant do extra hours. You seem to be projecting that mind set and if it comes across in the thread it will come across in real life. As someone who has managed people - someone who comes in and leaves on time but gives their best is an asset. In fact ive known friends to get pulled up by managers for having to stay back to get their basics done because the managers worried they cannot effectively manage a work load. Anyway, go into work, give your best, do your best and i bet it will be a far more enjoyable job for you.

Re the medical card keep chasing up to make sure it gets sorted for you.

Candy_Girl

Fair play to you keeping it all together your Daughter is lucky to have such a good Dad caring for her. Do you get the child benefit payment for your Daughter? If not make sure you do you're the one entitled to it as you're the one raising your child.

JuliusCaesar

December2012 wrote: »

Any possibility of meeting up with other parents at the weekend - say at a park or nearby playground?

Contact Treoir - they are an organisation for single parents.

There's also OneFamily - was Cherish, merged with Gingerbread some years ago. There might be ways of spending time with other single parents and their kids at weekends, and if your child is old enough to go for sleepovers, you can swap childminding for the odd evening/night to give you a chance to go out or just have an evening to yourself, or to meet up with friends. It's really worthwhile to do this as babysitting is a huge cost to most single parents who don't have willing (free!) family members to step in.