Conflicted & Fed Up

Prolly Polly

Hi
I'm a single mother - early 50's. 3 of my 4 kids are still living at home, the other has emigrated to the UK. Both of my parents are still alive - very elderly and very dependant on me.

I woke up this morning and it dawned on me that I have spent the last 25 years looking after people. None of the 3 kids at home can drive - we live in a rural area, and I have to drive them everywhere they want to go.. to get the bus to college, collect them off the bus, to work, home from work etc. They are still in college, and they don't have a hope of owning a car in the foreseeable future. I live approx 65 km from my parents home & I call to them at least 3 times a week - to do 'stuff' for them. Even the girl who is England puts huge demands on my time - she is lonesome there, and she I-messages me, snap-chats me, Face-book calls me at least 25 times a day. She also comes home every 3rd week, necessitating 2 trips to the Airport, plus she expects the fatted calf to be killed on each visit.

I work full-time, but never have a spare cent. All my waking hours are spent either working or doing stuff for other people and I have come to resent it. The awful thing is - I am painfully aware that my parents' days are numbered, and it won't be long till all the kids have flown the nest, and I know that within a few short years, I will have nobody to look after. I'm conflicted and fed up.



I suffer from a stress-related condition which has been up-graded to 'Chronic'.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

greengirl31

Isn’t it funny how we slowly slip into that rut of putting everyone before ourselves !! OP it sounds like an awful position to be in but at least you recognise there’s an issue – Now it’s time to do something about it.

I’d slowly step away from all the demands being made on you firstly, can you only go to your parents twice a week … that frees up at least one evening. Secondly, in relation to your kids, you need to say enough is enough … yes you might live in a rural area but they need to understand that you’re not their taxi and just sometimes you won’t be available to give them a lift. With your daughter in the UK, it’s great that you’re so close but all those phone calls and messages must be draining …. Schedule times to call a couple of times a week … you’re children are adults now it’s time they started behaving that way.

As for yourself, try to do a few more bits for yourself. Do you go out at all ? do you have a good circle of friends ? I know it’s a cliché but join a club or take up a hobby

I know none of these steps are easy but introduce them gradually and be firm with all those who demand your time

Est28

Ok so I'm not sure what you're asking OP. Surely this was your own making?

Your kids must all be fairly grown by the sounds of it. Why can they not look after themselves a bit more?
If they cant afford a car... are they not working their way through college? Buy a cheap old car for a few hundred and keep it running until they get on their feet? I mean, that's pretty much what any of us did.

If they can't even afford that, why are they arranging private transport somehow or using the bus? Again... you grow up and have to do this.

Do you cook and clean for and house all of them too? Again, they are grown up, why are they not taking more of this on themselves?

As for your parents. This is a tough one I admit, but there's only so much you can do. How much are they dependant on you? Is it just the fact that you are making it easy to be called upon or can they physically not get by without you? The possible options will vary depending on the answer to that one.

As far as the kids go... well, you're their Mom. So you can't just not be their mom anymore because it doesn't suit you. Your choice. But having said that, they seem a bit too old to be all so reliant on you. Why are they need finding their own feet?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I understand how you feel and it would be nice if you had a break from all your responsibilities, but at the risk of sounding condescending I think you will find when your children are all independent and have left home you will wish they were back again and you had someone to cater to. I am not making light of your situation but I was like you and was thinking that it would be great when my kids were grown up and left home and then I would have sheer bliss and more money to buy nice things for myself but I can tell you when the time came and they did leave home it was not that great afterall and I would much prefer to still have them coming in every day and me helping them in any way I could. So enjoy them while you can.

Idle Passerby

This probably seems really harsh but it seems you have let this situation develop. You have four adult children who seem to be still dependent on you, that's not right. They all sound a bit leechy if I'm honest and they do it because you have let them.

The daughter in England, I'm sure you love seeing her when she comes home but just because she expects a fatted calf does not mean you have to provide it. If she can afford a flight home every 3 weeks I'm sure she can afford taxi fare to and from the airport, if she cant then maybe she needs to reassess how frequently she comes home. I'm sure its hard for you to hear she's lonely too but she is not making any attempt to meet people if she spends all her time on the phone to you. You should be encouraging her to make some friends.

The three at home who needs lifts to college, if they are old enough to be in college they are old enough to find their own way there. Either by saving up for a cheap car or even mopeds or something! Or taking a part time job and moving closer to college. It shouldn't be your responsibility to be their taxi service, they are taking advantage of you.

You sounds like a lovely, kind hearted mother but when your 4 adult children are still hanging off your apron strings you need to shove them out of the nest so to speak.

Semele

Experiencedthesame wrote: »

Hi OP,

I understand how you feel and it would be nice if you had a break from all your responsibilities, but at the risk of sounding condescending I think you will find when your children are all independent and have left home you will wish they were back again and you had someone to cater to.

I see what you're saying but I think that's actually the problem! It's not uncommon, especially in Ireland, for a woman to get to a certain age and realise she's lived her life completely for and through her family for the last 2 decades. The quote above shows the consequences of that, and I think that is what the OP is now realising- that unless there are some changes made now she is not going to to have a full life of her own anytime soon.

Recognising where you are dissatisfied is the first step to changing it. It's where people can't do that that you then get things like the "interfering Irish mammy syndrome" so often seen on here, where the mother of grown-up children literally has no other identity outside of her family and can't flexibly adapt to the fact that they don't need her constant input.

I think some of the replies are a bit unempathetic to the OP. Sure, she's created the situation, but she has the cop-on and motivation to change it now she's realised which a lot of people don't. How many of us drift through periods of life where you're so busy you don't have time to reflect on the wider implications of, and causation in, what you do? I certainly have! Add to that the fact that we can be so indoctrinated by learned "rules" about what you should and shouldn't be doing and you can easily lose all sight of what you actually want from life.

Self-sacrificing for others in particular seems to be a learned role, and one that is tied up with a lot of uncomfortable beliefs/rules about guilt, duty and selfishness. OP, in addition to making some practical changes to your life and making more time for your interests, I think it would be interesting for you to spend some time reflecting on what "rules" you hold for yourself and where these might have come from (in particular what your own mother was like).

Maybe you would find counselling useful in helping you identify the values you would like your life to hold and to support you to make necessary changes? I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're feeling, but it is often good to have someone impartial who is interested in you to talk things like this out with. Since you spend a lot of time doing things for others, much though they love you your family may feel threatened by your current feelings and be quite invested in maintaining the status quo, so you may benefit more from support from elsewhere until you get to grips with what you're feeling. It would also be time just for you, and an investment in your own wellbeing and development...both practically and symbolically!

Glinda

Hi Prolly Polly,

First let me say well done on having the perspective to recognise what is happening here and letting yourself acknowledge how you are feeling about it all - that is something that is very difficult to do if you have been trained/have trained yourself over a long period of years to stuff these feelings down and subjugate your own needs to those of other people as if you weren't a full person a real human being who is just as valuable as everyone else.

Not looking after yourself is a huge mistake, even from the point of view of the other people in your family who will lose their doormat/taxidriver but who will benefit much more in the long run from having a happy, healthy mother who shows them a good example of how to live a healthy life and interact with others on a proper, positive, equal and healthy basis.

Next question for you is what you do about it.

You might find some information on assertiveness very helpful. I don't know whether the best place to get this might be a counsellor, or whether doing some reading would be enough. You could always start by reading up a bit yourself and then making a decision about how to take it further. It's about recognising what you need or want yourself, giving that the proper amount of weight and communicating it in a positive way to those around you.

It's amazing how much difference it makes when you change the way you communicate about your needs, your hopes and fears and all the rest to your loved ones. You'll improve your self-respect and (probably after a bit of an adjustment period) you'll change how they see you.

Remember: you can't hope to control how the others behave, or what they do (they are adults and are responsible for themselves), but you can certainly change how you behave yourself and that can make all the difference in the world.

Best of luck!