Girlfriend advice needed.

noturdrudealer

Ok so I've been dating for my girlfriend for just over a year now and it's been a tough journey for me. I met her while I was doing a computer course and she worked in a canteen.

For the last few months though my depression has gotten worse and I don't know if it's her or just that I have built up a tolerance for them. I had always been on one tablet a day for the last two years and recently I got out up to two tablets and nothing, so now I am on three.

I feel that it is related to my girlfriend because I am always looking to pick a fight.

All she ever wants to do is stay in bed and watch movies or tv shows all day. She quit her canteen course and went back to another course she was doing before, after I finished my computer course. All she ever does is complain about her body being sore. Like her back, legs, feet whenever I want to go out.

For months when I tried to get to know about her and her past she would pretend to sleep or say she's tired. I've noticed that her sisters are the same. They never like pictures of them, two of them don't like hugs and her and one sisters likes to do nothing but stay in bed.

Her sister goes to work and comes home and jumps into bed and watch movies or tv shows while on Facebook. I don't want that kind of girlfriend though.

I asked her why not get in contact with her old friends but she couldn't even bother. So I'm all she has and is very clingy. Just today she came to my house without even telling me she was coming. She wants to hold hands all the time and if I get a text she keeps trying to grab my hand or leaves hers hanging till I put my phone away. Even if I had my hands in my pocket she would put her hand in and pull mine out.

I like talking about my feelings and emotions but never feel like she cares. A few days ago I told her I hate me life and she said why. So I said because it sucks and she told me to sleep.

She has no motivation to do anything for herself, today she had an a appointment and couldn't be arsed to go and said she'll go tomorrow. She's been putting off going since Tuesday.

Whenever we are together she barely ever talks about anything.

She says she loves me almost every second but I always say to her that actions speak louder than words and I don't think she loves me.

One day I asked her why she loved me and said my eyes and smile. I thought after a year she'd like more things. She then asked me and I said I asked you first and she said: you tell me what you like about me so I can understand what you want to hear.

Now I just doubt she is the kind of women I want to spend my life with.

so is the problem with me?

LegacyUser

Ohh man , for a minute there I thought i wrote that post. My very recently ex girlfriend also hates hugs, always complained about everything , never wanted to go out, only really has 1 mate of her own , always wants to sleep and do very little else. Luckily she has a job to keep her occupied for 8 hours a day. The first 6 months were grand but over the last few months it all went downhill. Her self esteem is in the toilet and she hates herself , thinks that being thinner would fix all her problems even though she is thin. I asked her why she loved me and she just fobbed me off . Even when she said she loves me , she changed the tone of voice she uses almost like its a joke. Cant look me in the eye when she said it either. I just got sick of it and had to leave. I couldnt take being dragged down by her low self esteem.

I dont know whats going on in these girls heads but i feel your pain. We know my answer to the story but id be very interested in hearing others ideas of whats going on.

DoYouEvenLift

The problem is with both of you, you're just not right for one another. No point continuing a relationship you're unhappy with and know is going nowhere so you could either break up now or delay it like she probably would.

Penny Tration

She sounds as though she could be depressed too. Staying in bed all day and isolating oneself from friends are worrying signs.

That said - the relationship has run its course, I think.

I assume you've increased your meds with medical supervision.? Have you told your doctor about your girlfriend? It's very clearly affecting you.

I think you both sound as though you have issues, and you're making each other worse. I'd recommend ending things with her, so that you can focus on your mental health and getting yourself better.

noturdrudealer

I tried breaking up already but she kept sending me messages and said she'll change. But I very little doubt she will.

Penny Tration

noturdrudealer wrote: »

I tried breaking up already but she kept sending me messages and said she'll change. But I very little doubt she will.

Do you have a smart phone?

If have, download a blocking app, and block her number.

noturdrudealer

green_screen wrote: »

Do you have a smart phone?

If have, download a blocking app, and block her number.

I do, but I think I love her too much to block her.

Yes I talked to my doctor about her and he's the one that increase the dosage. Thinking about asking him to refer me to a psychologist or whomever you talk to about stuff that bothers you.

Penny Tration

If you break up with her, love doesn't come into it. You should be blocking her after a break up for both your sakes.

What means more to you - keeping her quiet, or fixing your health problems?

noturdrudealer

green_screen wrote: »

If you break up with her, love doesn't come into it. You should be blocking her after a break up for both your sakes.

What means more to you - keeping her quiet, or fixing your health problems?

Fixing my health problems. But she was my first actually girlfriend and I don't think I'll find someone else.

Penny Tration

noturdrudealer wrote: »

Fixing my health problems. But she was my first actually girlfriend and I don't think I'll find someone else.

Oh, come on. That's the depression talking. You're probably only early 20s at most, of course you'll find someone else, when you're mentally healthy.

What's the point in staying in a bad relationship?IIt's better to be single than in a rubbish relationship.

noturdrudealer

green_screen wrote: »

Oh, come on. That's the depression talking. You're probably only early 20s at most, of course you'll find someone else, when you're mentally healthy.

What's the point in staying in a bad relationship?IIt's better to be single than in a rubbish relationship.

Yeah I'm 24 and the thing is I don't get out often other than to go to college, so meeting new people never happens.

Penny Tration

noturdrudealer wrote: »

Yeah I'm 24 and the thing is I don't get out often other than to go to college, so meeting new people never happens.

Well, instead of staying in, stuck in a bad relationship, doing nothing except feel sorry for yourself - change it. Join some clubs/socs, invite people from college out, join meetup.com, join clubs. There are tonnes of ways to make friends, especially at your age.

Thing is though, you won't be motivated to do any of that until you sort your mental health. And you're not gonna sort it with someone like your girlfriend bringing you down.

Big Bag of Chips

She's not going to change. So you either accept that about her, or you agree that it's not working out.

Am I right in thinking that since you've started going out with her your tablets have been increased from 1 to 3 tablets? By the way, I don't like the fact that you are almost blaming her for your depression. You were depressed before you met her. Possibly her lifestyle is stressing you and making you feel worse, but that is YOUR issue, not hers.

She is quite happy living the way she lives. You're not. She's not going to change. Are you?

By the way, what do you love about her?

noturdrudealer

Thanks for your help. I guess I need to change now before it's to late and I'll be stuck in the same place for years to come.

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and grab life and start enjoying it.

suicide_circus

Sounds like two people with depression dragging eachother down in a spiral of apathy and misery. Get out of there.

noturdrudealer

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She's not going to change. So you either accept that about her, or you agree that it's not working out.

Am I right in thinking that since you've started going out with her your tablets have been increased from 1 to 3 tablets? By the way, I don't like the fact that you are almost blaming her for your depression. You were depressed before you met her. Possibly her lifestyle is stressing you and making you feel worse, but that is YOUR issue, not hers.

She is quite happy living the way she lives. You're not. She's not going to change. Are you?

By the way, what do you love about her?

No my dosage was increased this month.

I didn't mean to make it sound like she was the cause of my depression, but like you said it is stressing me out and even my mam and doctor said it to me.

Penny Tration

noturdrudealer wrote: »

No my dosage was increased this month.

I didn't mean to make it sound like she was the cause of my depression, but like you said it is stressing me out and even my mam and doctor said it to me.

Just a quick one - it can take a couple of months for a dosage increase to take full effect on how you feel. Took 2 months after my meds were increased before I started to feel good.

That said, if your doctor and your mam (who probably know you better than anyone) are saying that she's making it worse, then you need to act.

I feel very sorry for her, because she sounds depressed too, but you have to focus on fixing yourself. It's simply not going to happen while you're trying to keep her happy too.

noturdrudealer

Well my doctor told me come back in two weeks and he'll change the antidepressant if he doesn't see a change.

She does have depression aswell and I got her to talk to a doctor about it and she got refered to someone to help her.

Stavro Mueller

noturdrudealer wrote: »

Yeah I'm 24 and the thing is I don't get out often other than to go to college, so meeting new people never happens.

If you stay with your girlfriend you'll find yourself with no friends and no social life whatsoever. I felt stifled just reading your posts. If you think she's clingy now, just you wait and see what's lying in wait for you in the future. Is it too much of a leap of the imagination to predict her guilt-tripping you and turning on the waterworks if you dare go out for a couple of hours without her?

The way your girlfriend behaves wouldn't do anyone any good, let alone someone with depression. It's possible that she's depressed too but that's something for medical practitioners to investigate. My worry for you is that she's going to bring you down with her. Two people struggling with depression in a relationship sounds like a bad mix to me. Especially if she's unwilling to change. And she doesn't sound like she wants to. If she's not willing to help herself, you're at nothing. Don't try to save her or you'll get sucked in.

As things stand this relationship sounds horribly unhealthy. It's never good when one partner has no friends and is solely reliant on their other half for companionship. That neediness of hers is massively damaging not just to her but to you. I mean, not even being "allowed" to stick your hand into your pocket to read a text is OTT. I've read other posts here from guys who've had overly clingy girlfriends. The hand-holding thing seems to be a recurring theme. Normally holding hands is one of life's simple pleasures but to some people it seems to be a crutch or something.

Also for everyone, it's important to have a partner that you can confide in and chat to about stuff. You're not getting this from your girlfriend either. It can't be fun not having anything to talk about either. I can't help but think that she's in love with the idea of having a boyfriend more than the reality of it.

Realistically you would be far better off breaking up with her, cutting contact and working on your own issues. Maybe your girlfriend's not the reason for the upping of your dosage but she's certainly not helping matters. Also your posts are full of doubts about this relationship. Rightly so in my opinion.

Whatever you do, don't stay with her for the wrong reasons. In other words, don't stay because you're afraid of what'll happen to her if you leave. Don't stay with her because you don't think you can do any better. If you choose to break up with her you're not being selfish. You'd be doing the right thing for both of you.

DukeOfTheSharp

Speaking from experience, your depression is the thing making you think you won't find anyone else. Trust me on that, I was in the exact same boat as you. You need to block her number and move on, not because it's easy, but because it's the hardest, most beneficial thing you'll ever do in your life. She seems to have depression, but she doesn't want to address it. You can't help her, she doesn't want to listen to you about your feelings or concerns, and that isn't love. I know you love her, but she's banking on that to keep you around. She's desperately trying to get you to stay with empty promises, but I can tell you now friend, she doesn't plan to do that. Her mentality is toxic and it's hurting you. Sometimes, the best thing to do is move forward and learn. What she's doing isn't love, you believe it is, you don't think you'll get anyone else...trust me, that's not the case. When you deal with your problems, your confidence and world view return to a good state, you'll find someone good for you, and you'll love them all the more for the fact that they'll accept you and listen to you. I can't say much else, all I can do is reiterate that I've been where you are and I got help and moved forward, I'm happy now, and quite frankly getting away from toxic people was the best choice I ever made.

noturdrudealer

We went out last night for dinner and a movie and she barely talked during the dinner and was just looking around the place. I could've sworn she was checking out other guys.

Penny Tration

noturdrudealer wrote: »

We went out last night for dinner and a movie and she barely talked during the dinner and was just looking around the place. I could've sworn she was checking out other guys.

Maybe she was? I check out guys around my boyfriend, he checks out women around me.

That isn't the issue, though. It's extremely minor compared to the rest of your posts in this thread.

noturdrudealer

Yeah, maybe I should just take the time and focus on myself and nothing else. Because right now I feel like if I don't change things, it will be too late for me.

Stavro Mueller

noturdrudealer wrote: »

We went out last night for dinner and a movie and she barely talked during the dinner and was just looking around the place. I could've sworn she was checking out other guys.

Well, you did say "Whenever we are together she barely ever talks about anything."

Are the pair of you are still together for the wrong reasons? From what I can see you are. Put it this way - if you were to split from her how much worse would your life be? As things stand you're with a woman who won't go anywhere with you. Who doesn't seem to want to do anything apart from lie in bed watching TV. Has no interest in listening to what you have to say. Doesn't like being hugged or anything like that.. Need I go on?

noturdrudealer

But the thing is I have no friends and didn't have for years and I want to get out and meet people, but I feel like I have no confidence. So I barely meet new people.

Stavro Mueller

noturdrudealer wrote: »

But the thing is I have no friends and didn't have for years and I want to get out and meet people, but I feel like I have no confidence. So I barely meet new people.

Well, if you want to get out and meet new people, staying with your girlfriend's a great way for this not to happen. Believe me.

noturdrudealer

I'm so lost and confused about all this, I'm just scared that what if she is the one or I never find anyone else.

Stavro Mueller

I think you're using your girlfriend as a crutch. At least when you have her you've got companionship of some sort. Unfortunately I can't see this ending well but you're so terrified of breaking up that she's going to take you down with her.

Have you gone to counselling recently? Or ever?

noturdrudealer

No, but I'm going to ask my doctor to refer me to someone on Wednesday about my personal problems.

noturdrudealer

So yesterday we were going for a walk and she said she stop taking her medication for a stomach virus thing about a week ago and I asked her why did she tell me she took them the day before.

Then I said you're lying to me again and she said she can't remember when she stopped and she was on them before and they didn't work. So I asked why not tell the doctor and she said she didn't know till she got them what they were and I said go tell him so and she said she couldn't be arsed.

She was complaining since we meet about her stomach and that virus was found on the ultrasound test and she can fix it but is to lazy.

She also complains about her knee and I told her go to the doctor and she said ok. The day came and she went swimming instead and said it will help her knees and I said I don't care just don't come complaining to me if it starts again and her she is again talking about it.

I asked her last night does she even know my favorite food, colour, game, movie, music genre and she said no. You'd think she would.

I mean I know her food is chicken, colour is blue, movie is rent and she doesn't really have a favorite genre at all.

Am I just being needy and clingy?

Big Bag of Chips

Do you love her?

noturdrudealer

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you love her?

I really don't know anymore, I'm just so confused.

Stavro Mueller

I think your terror of being alone is clouding your judgement. Perhaps both of you are together because you're two sides of the same coin and it's better to be in a miserable relationship than to be single. Did your doctor refer you on for counselling/therapy?

Big Bag of Chips

It doesn't sound like you do. You haven't said one nice thing about her in the whole thread. And the things you are looking for as proof that she loves you are silly.

I am with my husband 14 years. I don't know his favourite colour, song, film etc. I don't think he necessarily has a favourite of anything. Wanting her to list off things she knows about you or loves about you is quite teenager-like. I think you don't love her. I think you don't even like her all that much. You want any breakup that comes to be her fault so that you don't have to feel any guilt. But the reality is you are not happy in the relationship. If you are not happy, and if it is not working out for you then you are the one who is going to have to do something about it.

She is definitely not "the one". So your options are stick with it and be miserable but safe(?) or take a risk and be single again.

noturdrudealer

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I think your terror of being alone is clouding your judgement. Perhaps both of you are together because you're two sides of the same coin and it's better to be in a miserable relationship than to be single. Did your doctor refer you on for counselling/therapy?

No, he's gone till next week. So I have to wait till Wednesday coming to see him.

Penny Tration

I'm starting to think that you're being horribly unfair to your girlfriend.


You're taking her on dates, and acting like a boyfriend. All the while, you're giving out about her here, don't know if you love her, don't know whether she loves you, and you seem to be blaming her for everything.


What about her? Surely she deserves the truth, and to be free from someone who doesn't REALLY want to be with her? Or will you kid her that you still love her, because it's easier for you?

noturdrudealer

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It doesn't sound like you do. You haven't said one nice thing about her in the whole thread. And the things you are looking for as proof that she loves you are silly.

I am with my husband 14 years. I don't know his favourite colour, song, film etc. I don't think he necessarily has a favourite of anything. Wanting her to list off things she knows about you or loves about you is quite teenager-like. I think you don't love her. I think you don't even like her all that much. You want any breakup that comes to be her fault so that you don't have to feel any guilt. But the reality is you are not happy in the relationship. If you are not happy, and if it is not working out for you then you are the one who is going to have to do something about it.

She is definitely not "the one". So your options are stick with it and be miserable but safe(?) or take a risk and be single again.

If I didn't love her do you think I would do everything to help her? She suffered from depression and I got her to go to someone about it. Whenever something is wrong I try to solve it so she doesn't have to worry about it. When she's down I cuddle and watch movies with her and hold her while she goes to sleep. I'd do anything for her. I know her feet always are at her so I give foot massages without her even asking. I always leave her have my chicken because I know she loves it, even if I didn't even eat and am hungry.

Big Bag of Chips

noturdrudealer wrote: »

If I didn't love her do you think I would do everything to help her?

A couple of posts back you weren't sure if you loved her. Now you are definite that you do?

Doing all those things is lovely. And yes, it proves that you are considerate of her. But you are doing all those things on the surface and almost resenting her beneath it all and thinking all those bad things about her that your thread has been full of up to this point.

This is a bad relationship, for you, for her. You came on here asking advice and opinion. Of course it is your prerogative whether or not to listen to anything that is being said.

Stavro Mueller

Even if you choose to ignore every piece of advice given to you here, please go seek professional help. You really need to chat to someone who can tease these issues out with you and help you see more clearly.

LegacyUser

I think you two are truly terrible for each other. That's not meant in a horrible way, I just think you are feeding into each other's worst side/fears/stuff you find hard to deal with, and the constant fallout messes with both your heads.

You keep trying to 'look after her' in ways that prevent her dealing with her issues. She keeps appealing to your need for a relationship at all costs. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but the pair of you are just perpetuating each other's problems.

The way you're both going, nothing changes or improves for either of you. It's just a cycle of problems that aren't dealt with, carrying on into drama and recriminations. I'm sorry, but neither of you sound strong enough for a relationship, let alone such a demanding head wrecking one.

I really do believe you should split up, because I genuinely think you are both damaging each other's chances of growing and dealing with each of your issues. Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but I feel so strongly that I have to say I think that staying together will damage both of your chances of future happiness.

I wish you the very best of happiness in the future OP; I just think you will never achieve it with this person.