Acting Too Buddy-Buddy with Lecturer?

LegacyUser

I know its silly but Im a little worried about this nonetheless.

Ive had this one lecturer for two classes now. Shes very nice and I highly respect her. She's done some great work and even won awards. She teaches us film production. We talk personally sometimes before or after class, often about general things like the weekend. Other times she'll ask if Im okay if I seem down, and if I explain (eg. my boyfriend and I had a fight (she's met my boyfriend once) so I said "oh, just trouble in paradise!" before laughing it off, and she said "oh no! Are you both okay?" and it eventually ended with me explaining the fight to her).

Sometimes I worry that she may think Im being unprofessional if I go into too much detail about my personal life, and if Ive gone over the line. I dont think I have, but I fear she'll think "okay, I didn't need to know you fought over whatever," and will think badly of me. Im also afraid that I'll start to think too much of her as a buddy and one day won't see the line, which will end up in her getting annoyed at me.

She said recently as she was giving us feedback on films we edited "look, Im your partner here everyone. When youre out of here, I could be looking for you to work with me on a project or visa versa. Were in the same industry and Im talking to you as a friend when I give you feedback. I want the best for you." I feel like that helped blur the lines a little and the more I talk to her, the more blurred Im afraid it will get.

I can tell that the obvious answer is going to be "stop talking so much to her." She's one of the lecturers who I feel if I met outside of college first though, we could have been good friends, and Im interested in keeping contact with her after college - assuming she wants the same!

Anybody here a lecturer who might be able to give me your point of view? Even if you're not, if youve got an opinion or thought on this I'd like to hear it.

Meathlass

I think your lecturer is crossing the line not you.

When you finish college you can certainly keep in touch with her and will probably bump into her if it's in the same industry but she seems to be getting a little too friendly with her students commenting on your personal life.

It can be a difficult situation but this person is your lecturer not your friend.

Rubberchikken

she should be more professional.
it could be that she hasn't been lecturing long and is insecure and or she's the type of teacher that wants to be everyone's friend and is seen as the good guy.

but there is a line drawn for a reaon and if she's not willing to see it, it's good that you do.

know how much to say to her and know when it's time to hold back.

after college if you meet, then that's fine, but for now, if she can't be professional at least you can be.

good luck

skallywag

I also agree with the advice given so far. When you lecture you should keep completely away from the students from a social standpoint, and you certainly don't say something along the lines of 'I'm talking to you as a friend'.

freshpopcorn

I don't think there are any laws saying that lectures can't be friends\in relationships with students. It's not school.

tinz18

I would say the lecturer should distance herself from her students- ye can be friends once you're no longer her student. Two people I know who lectured found themselves in a pickle when those lines blurred-
the first found it very hard to fail a student that he was buddy buddy with,
the other went out partying with his students two days before the exam he set, he was terrified that he'd be brought before the exam committee when he had to fail the two lads who had held the house party because he couldn't remember how he'd behaved at the party and they had photographic evidence of him playing the fool. (Luckily the lads were sound and just accepted the fail).

Both have since learnt their lessons and treat their students with distance until they've finished his exams.

Meathlass

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I don't think there are any laws saying that lectures can't be friends\in relationships with students. It's not school.

It could actually be a policy of the college. The lecturer is in a position of power and the student is dependent on them for good grades etc. It would be a very foolish lecturer to become involved with one of their students.

Meathlass

I'm actually a part-time student at the moment. I also work where the courses are run which makes it even more complex. One of my lecturers is actually my best friend at work. We have coffee every day and work closely together.

We both agreed that we wouldn't discuss course work in the office or office work in the course. It's only sensible to have these professional boundaries.

In the OPs case I gather she is probably in her early 20s and a full-time student so it's even more important to tread carefully.

Shrap

idkanymore wrote: »

We talk personally sometimes before or after class, often about general things like the weekend. Other times she'll ask if Im okay if I seem down, and if I explain (eg. my boyfriend and I had a fight (she's met my boyfriend once) so I said "oh, just trouble in paradise!" before laughing it off, and she said "oh no! Are you both okay?" and it eventually ended with me explaining the fight to her).

Sometimes I worry that she may think Im being unprofessional if I go into too much detail about my personal life, and if Ive gone over the line.

Unlike most of the other responses here OP, I think it's great that a lecturer in college is paying attention to how their students are getting on emotionally, and recognising when they are feeling down. I have a young adult son going on to college next year (hopefully) and I'd be hugely relieved to know that there are adults out there who make the effort to be involved with students on an adult and caring level. Their job is to encourage you to study in your chosen field, and part of that is understanding that there are new emotional and adult challenges in going to college and that these may have an affect on your studies.

I'm saying she is being entirely professional and caring, and I don't see why a lecturer couldn't become friends with a student when they are both adults. I have a close personal friend who was one of my lecturers in social care years ago. I dropped out for personal reasons and he made every effort to try to keep me on track, to no avail I'm afraid. However, he did (and does) genuinely like me and stayed in touch. That's allowed OP - you're an adult now ;-)

Ps. Unprofessional and going over the line? That would only happen if your lecturer graded your work according to how well she/he likes you. It is not unprofessional for either of you to find your own balance in how much you know about each other or how friendly you both are. Nobody is forcing her to ask/not ask after your well being, and nobody is forcing you to answer/be involved on a personal level. I'd say carry on the way you are, but obviously, don't expect favours at assessment/exam time!

ThisRegard

I see no issue either. You are both adults, no longer in school and there's no reason that the lecturer can't give advice for both inside or outside of college if they chose to do so.

shuffles88

idkanymore wrote: »

She said recently as she was giving us feedback on films we edited "look, Im your partner here everyone. When youre out of here, I could be looking for you to work with me on a project or visa versa. Were in the same industry and Im talking to you as a friend when I give you feedback. I want the best for you."

I can tell that the obvious answer is going to be "stop talking so much to her." She's one of the lecturers who I feel if I met outside of college first though, we could have been good friends, and Im interested in keeping contact with her after college - assuming she wants the same!

it.

I think that in the industry you're going into, which is very dependant on who you know, it's great to have someone already in the business who you feel you could be friends with and seems open to collaboration in the future. I'm doing a media course and my lectures have said the same types of things about feedback, they want to help you through constructive criticism not crush you with critiques.

I would say maybe you should keep your personal life out of the chat, at least while you're a student but there's nothing wrong with 'how was your weekend' in my books you're just being friendly.

SameDiff

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I don't think there are any laws saying that lectures can't be friends\in relationships with students. It's not school.

I agree....nor is it work. What's the problem?

skallywag

I don't see the issue being that the lecturer is doing anything wrong or inappropriate with respect to the student, but rather that the lecturer herself is losing professional credibility by acting in this way. From the OP's perspective I see nothing wrong though, particularly if one stands to gain in the future.

iusedtoknow

I think there is a difference though, it is a creative course so a lot of time is spent with back and forth, learning by doing and creating - in that sort of environment you are going to get closer to your students than you would seeing them twice a week and singling out a student from a lecture hall with 200 hungover students looking at you while quoting Don Quixote.

From what it sounds, this is a lecturer that is invested in their own industry and is wanting to give back and help newcomers, rather than them being a full time academic.

Perhaps it is slightly inappropriate, but I don't think it is anything to worry about.

ShowMeTheCash

I see no issue, because there is no issue here!
As already stated this is not high school!

If anything it looks like the lecturer is going above and beyond what she is paid to do.
They are both adults, in high school you need to treat your studends as minors because they are minors!
At Uni everyone are adults so it is perfectly acceptable to talk to and treat the students as adults!

Nothing stated in the OP's original statement suggests the Lecutrer has done anything wrong.

Also it is perfectly normal for a lecurter to have favourites, you might say well thats not fair... Tuff life ain't fair! In my expereince is lecturer's recognise people who have a talent for the subject matter and are actually trying or going somewhere, they can also spot people who are wasting their own time and everyone elses!

A lecurers job is not to teach they are there to help people who actually want to learn.

In this case perhaps she see's potenital in you and does not want to see you mess it up...

Also based on your statement I think you might bee thinking way too much into this.

Give it a few years, you bump into her in the street I reckon you might be lucky if she remembers your name...