Wedding present

LegacyUser

My daughter got married a month ago and my brother, his wife, 2 sons and their partners came to the wedding, but none of them gave a gift. I am furious and would love to drop a hint as to why but I know that giving a gift, while the done thing, is not obligatory so would this be out of order for me. By the way they are all well off. I know it is probably tacky of me to even think of dropping a hint but it is the principal of this that is annoying me. This guy has always been a bit tight with money and I suppose I just feel this is the last straw.

Pawwed Rig

As you say a gift is not obligatory so I would say just get over it and let it go

Matteroffact

You can't demand a present from anyone, it has to come from the heart and if this guy has not come up with something then there must be something bigger at play here. That would be my take on this. There will always be someone who will go to a wedding and give nothing but you don't expect that from a sibling and that is where the hurt lies. I don't believe that dropping hints will achieve anything. This guy knows that you know he gave nothing and it doesn't seem to bother him, so now you know where you stand with him. That is about the height of it.

desbrook

I'm stunned that anyone would have the nerve to go and give nothing let alone a whole group!! Is there any possibility of a mix up ??

Apart from a mix up you have two choices neither of which is hinting. Hinting is apologetic and there's no need to be.

Choice number one is to say nothing. You are entitled to your feelings though and bottling them up may only lead to resentment and ill feeling for years to come. It's a very Irish thing to do to avoid confrontation but tell everyone who'll listen apart from the person themselves what an injustice has been done!

My advice is to tell your brother you are hurt and embarressed - and why. It's the truth. Tell him you genuinely would like to know why they gave nothing - was some offence caused ? Finally tell him you being upfront to hopefully avoid bad feeling - not cause it.

Dellnum

I agree with desbrook, what a liberty to go to a wedding with your partner, your 2 sons and their partners and none of them to produce a gift. It is not the gift itself that is at play here but the slight. Saying something to him is bringing yourself down to his level but I don't think he should get away with it either. I don't know what the best approach would be but saying something will probably cause offence, but then you are offended so what's the difference. I am sure you will not be able to look at him from now on without thinking about this slight and where does that leave your friendship with him ? You are damned if you do and damned if you don't say something.

CaraMay

Maybe they just haven't given it YET

hoodwinked

for what it is worth we received gifts for our wedding over a year later, his aunt didn't know what to get us (we had our own house with everything in it when we got married) and kept saying she'd wait until she found something she was happy with rather than buying something impracticable for the sake of it, and when we booked a honeymoon over a year afterwards she surprised us and gifted us a cheque for it.

Meauldsegosha

CaraMay wrote: »

Maybe they just haven't given it YET

+1 on this. I have never given someone a wedding gift on the day they got married. The bride and groom have enough to be thinking about on the day without gifts being handed to them.

Your daughter has probably been on honeymoon and is still settling into married life so your brother doesn't want to bother her at the moment. I wouldn't say anything to him yet.

mapaca

I wouldn't say anything. Did they give a card only or nothing at all? Is there a chance it got mislaid? Also, they may be planning to give a gift later on.

Is your daughter upset? If she's not bothered, you should let it go. As you say, no one is obliged to give a wedding gift.

Rubberchikken

i think you should wait.
like others said, maybe they'll give a gift in a while.
if not, i don't know if it's worth bringing up. is your relationship with your brother and his family good? if it is, is a good relationship worth losing or damaging over a wedding gift?

baldbear

Anypne who is working and doesn't give a gift is a bit mean IMO.

Send them a thank you card anyway.

CaraMay

Was the wedding abroad? If so I think it's ok not to give a gift

m'lady

I could be wrong but I'm almost certain that I read somewhere that wedding 'etiquette' is that you have up to a year to give a wedding present?

Tokyo

I'm not sure how things are done where you are from OP, but at weddings I have attended, family quite often don't give their gift on the day itself, it's often handed over after the honeymoon, or can come in the form of a thank-you card and a cheque when the hue and cry of the big day has died down and the couple are setting in to married life.

Also, - and forgive me for casting aside family dynamics here, - is it really your place to take issue with this to the point of calling him out on it - after all it is your daughter and her partner's wedding, not yours...

indigo twist

Maybe they could only afford to attend the wedding or to give a gift, but not both? In this case, which would you rather? Surely it's more important to you and to your daughter that they were there with you for the day?

Or maybe they had to budget - attending the wedding took up a couple of months wages, so they'll need to wait until they recover from that cost before they give the gift. As already stated, general etiquette would be that it's normal to give gifts for anything up to a year after the wedding takes place.

To me it seems really sad that either you or your daughter would get worked up over something like this. She obviously cares enough about this family to want them to be there for one of the biggest days of her life - who cares about presents? They took time out of their lives to be there with her, as she asked - surely that's more important than anything material?

bee06

I had a similar situation for my wedding and I would be absolutely mortified if one of my parents said something. There are loads of reasons we didn't get a gift, maybe it got misplaced, maybe they just haven't given it yet or maybe they can't afford it. Whatever reason it is I invited them to spend the day with us not for the gift so it's not an issue for me.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback. It looks like I might be jumping the gun then, in that the present might come yet. My daughter isn't bothered because she is happy enough with how the wedding went, plus I was the one paying for the wedding so really she doesn't care. I am probably the one who is put out as I hate to think that my brother would do this. We get along fine but I am always the one inviting him to meals and things whereby I pay. He would never invite us to anything. I guess it is an accumulation of things like this that has just set me off on this occasion. I can see though from the responses here that I just have to let this go. It is not a reflection on me, but a reflection on him. He knows and I know and talking about it is really not going to do much good because afterall pointing it out to him will only make me feel worse and really it would take the good out of it anyway. I can guarantee you that he has the money, and expense is not an issue here. I was just wondering how others would feel given the same situation, and I appreciate all the opinions expressed here.

Toots

If it's only been a month I wouldn't worry about it. We were still getting presents months after we got married. Seemingly wedding etiquette says you have up to a year to give a present.

Neyite

m'lady wrote: »

I could be wrong but I'm almost certain that I read somewhere that wedding 'etiquette' is that you have up to a year to give a wedding present?

It is. I've heard 6 months being stated elsewhere but giving the gift afterwards is perfectly mannerly.

I've also known weddings where cards were handed over on the day to a groomsman who was tardy in giving them to the couple, or getting left at the reception of the hotel. I heard of one where the groom sat in the honeymoon suite opening up cards, pocketing the cash inside and binning the card - the wife didnt know who gave what for the thankyou cards after. I heard of another where a groomsman helped himself to a few cards too.

But all that aside. A gift is to the bride and groom on the occasion of their wedding, NOT a gift to whoever footed the bill for the shindig. So its really not your place to say anything and certainly not so soon after the wedding. If your daughter and her husband are not bothered then you should also let it go.

matrim

Abitannoyed wrote: »

My daughter got married a month ago and my brother, his wife, 2 sons and their partners came to the wedding, but none of them gave a gift. I am furious and would love to drop a hint as to why but I know that giving a gift, while the done thing, is not obligatory so would this be out of order for me. By the way they are all well off. I know it is probably tacky of me to even think of dropping a hint but it is the principal of this that is annoying me. This guy has always been a bit tight with money and I suppose I just feel this is the last straw.

It's your daughters wedding and who gave a gift or what they gave is none of your business. If she's not pushed then leave it at that

skallywag

OP, did these people happen to incur more expense than the average guest for attending the wedding? E.g. travel long distance / from abroad, etc?

Fair play to you for paying for the wedding though. If there are really no exonerating circumstances as to why no gift was given then I would also be put out a bit about this to be fair.

fergie24

I remember sometime ago my own parents giving out about how they sent a wedding card/gift to a family friend a few weeks after the wedding and got no thank you card in return and any time they met felt very awkward and uneasy.
My old man had enough of this and asked did they like/get the wedding gift as he new something was up, only for them to say they had never got it and felt all embarrassed. It got lost/mislaid somewhere.

Basically these things happen sometimes OP and is not worth falling out with friends/families for. Its great you paid for your daughters wedding but number one never expect gifts off everyone who turns up (ok its rude not too) and number two, things get lost, mislaid, stolen, turn up sometime later or are given months later.

I know the last wedding i was at, i gave a present 4 months later and it was great to see the surprise on the couples faces.

skallywag

fergie24 wrote: »

...and got no thank you card in return...

I had the same happen to me once and must admit it got me a bit paranoid that I had somehow forgotten to give the card or even more stupidly forgotten to put cash into it, etc. Though in the end I just came to the conclusion they had just forgotten to send one to me, or sent it to the wrong address, etc.