Bad relationship to parents and no way out

LegacyUser

Hey

I am carrying this problem with me for quite some time now and I am hurting and i am not sure how to get better.

My relationship with my parents has never been great to start with. We never did anything as a family. I can't remember one single moment that really defines the word family for me. I have no contact to my cousins, aunt and uncles because we never visited them.
They were not abusive or anything like it but they just didn't care. Socialising wasn't important, i was not allowed to take part in the usual kids activites etc and hell I really feel like everything that is considered normal for kids has been taken from me.

I was raped by a someone when I was 9 and they don't know I never felt like I could tell them and I carried that secret for so long.I am angry because I showed every single sign of abuse and they left me alone. I have done counselling about this.

Most people think I am strong and independent ect but I just feel like a lost angry child

I moved out when I was 16 and there was not much contact really. I visit but, we chat about the weather etc. Then I immigrated to ireland 9 years ago and only go back once or twice a year. Initially I rang a couple of times every week but there was nothing to say, they never rang. Once I just didnt't ring for a while just to see how long it would take. They rang me in may and then again on my birthday last month, both calls lasted under 3 minutes. I would like to tell me mother what am doing, how i live and what is happening but more often than not there is some soap in the telly she is watching which is more interesting than a chat.

This has always been on the back of my mind somewhere but the older I get the angrier, upset and lost I get. I went for a walk in the park yesterday and seen families out there together and it stings. I was at my friends wedding recently and I felt so sad when I seen her surrounded by family who clearly very much cared for her and i knew I will never have that.

I don't want to feel like this I don't want to feel alone and I don't want to be eaten up by anger and rage but I don't how to get better. It feels like it's take over my life, I have no confidence, I never had a relationship because I am afraid to get rejected again.
I don't know where to get counselling.

Matteroffact

Not sure if you tried counselling before but if you did can you go back to the same place or google it in your area. You could write to your mother and tell her everything you said in this post. Then there can be no misunderstandings between you. It is then up to her to contact you to discuss this. Give it a try and see what happens, at least you will be getting it off your chest.

Rubberchikken

I am so sorry for what you experienced.
I know you said you had counselling but it maybe that things have changed for you and you may need to go again.

Writing to your parents to explain what hapened and how you feel is a good idea.
The only thing i see is that maybe your parents are the way they are and nothing will change that, so it's up to you to create the kind of life you want to live.

Good luck