Enduring life not enjoying life.

LegacyUser

Hi all, going anonymous (I hope) for this one. I don't know exactly what's wrong or how to fix it but I know I cannot remain as I am for much longer. But of background, 38 years old, married, good wife, 2 kids, full time job, mortgage etc. yet, I'm absolutely miserable. I'm not enjoying life when I know I should be. I mask it well enough, I make an effort for my family's sake. The kids are too young to know any better but my wife knows well there's something amiss. Everyday is just another day to get through for me. There's mainly drudgery & mind numbing routine for me. I get up, I go to work, my employers are a nightmare to work for (can't say who I work for & what I do), working shift doesn't help either. My employer doesn't believe in giving 24 hours advance notice of what 50% of the employees will be working the next day so it's almost impossible to plan anything with family. When it is possible I don't want to go & find myself wanting to stay home alone. However as I said I make the effort for my kids as I genuinely love them & don't want them to know that I'm not happy.


I can't change jobs at this point in my life as I'm not qualified to do much (can barely use a computer), & that takes time & money neither of which I have much of. My wife doesn't work at the moment, she has her hands full with our 2 children & to be honest she does a great job with them. As regards my wife though I rarely get anything right, there's always criticism etc. she has a chronic illness so I let most of the criticism slide but there's only so much I can listen to. I quite often feel like disappearing but my kids deserve better than that. I feel as though I have little to look forward to & that makes me feel worse. I'm envious of people who seem genuinely happy, on the rare occasions I have a weekend off I usually go out of my way to avoid talking to colleagues about my weekend as they'll have gone out, seen friends, caught a movie or whatever & I've not been able to do any of that. I've made up stories rather than have it be known I've not done anything. I think I've gone out twice this year. I used to say that was because I work shift but if other people could do it then working shift wasn't the reason.

I feel like tears of a clown ie I wear a smile while inside I'm sad. My emotions are extreme, I can be very happy & very sad. There doesn't seem to be an in between but if there was/is then it's neutral. I'm not especially close to any of my siblings & my in laws & I haven't spoken in several years as I'm something of a 'knacker' to them even though I'm far from it. My wife & I attended counselling as she has issues of her own after the birth of our 2nd child & it was suggested to her that couples counselling might help her. Not sure if it helped her but it didn't benefit me one bit but I kept it up for her sake. I cannot open up in those circumstances, I spoke but said nothing of value. The only person I can talk to is my wife & even then I can't do that as she's often thrown it back in my face during an argument. There is so much more but I can't type it here as I'd probably end up going out of my mind looking at it in black & white. I recognise that I need help of some sort, I'm not sure I can ask for it though but I can't bear to keep feeling like this. I've been like this most of my adult life & the thought of the rest of my life like this kills me & makes me feel as though I'm dying one day at a time, wasting precious years or my best years etc.

rock22

I am sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time.

A couple of things jump out at me. Firstly you talk about colleagues and your wife, but you don't mention any friends. Am I right in thinking that you have few friends or that you don't have time for the ones you have. Work seems to be difficult and you can't talk to your wife. It seems you have no one in the world to talk to.

Have you considered going back to counselling? I appreciate that when you went it was to support your wife. But it seems that your concerns and feelings were never really part of the counselling.

I don't know what else to say, but if counselling is not an option then I think you really need to talk about your feelings to your wife.

Rubberchikken

would you go to counselling yourself. it could be the outlet you need at the moment to unload the things that are getting to you.
i realise your wife has a chronic illness and is minding the kids but she does need to realise that she should be a little less judgemental and a bit more compassionate to you as well.

are you doing your fair share at home? do you take the kids out to give your wife a break?

you're only 38, so if you're unhappy in your work, which can have a hugh knock-on effect on a person's life, then maybe even just looking for similar employment elsewhere might be an option.

also, is there a union in your workplace. maybe something there could be followed up regarding the way the employer treats the employees. you may not be the only one who finds the short notice to be awkward?

soory for the length. hope something in it is of some use.
good luck

LegacyUser

Hi rock, no real friends to speak of. Not in the last 15 years anyway. Never really good at making friends at any part of my life. Tried different hobbies, clubs, gyms etc; have felt like I'm alone even though I could be surrounded by lots of people. Went to a counsellor in 2003-4 as I'd just managed to get out of a physically abusive relationship, however she called the Gardaí & alleged I'd been assaulting her! Found myself homeless, penniless, alone & I lost my job shortly after when she turned up & started screaming in front of everyone that I was an abuser.

Counselling wasn't going to bad as I began to open up. Then I started getting phone calls from the ex begging me to come back (I didn't) so when that didn't work I was threatened by her & her father with being shot, beaten etc. shortly afterward she was able to tell me details that is only told the counsellor. Turns out the counsellor & her colleagues used to talk shop & weren't too discreet about it.

They were talking in the restaurant/bar the ex worked in & that was that. Hard to believe I know. Counselling for me after that wasn't an option as who could I trust?

I can't afford private counselling & even though there's a 'work place counsellor' (sort of) that's not an option as I couldn't bear the thought of 'my secret' being common knowledge.

jopax

I really do feel for you, and I can totally understand your feelings.

I would suggest going to see your gp, you could be depressed which can make everyday life overwhelming.

I think your in very deep and do need some help to climb back out.
There are plenty of people who need help at times in their lives and I think you are at that stage now.

Please go see your gp, things are not going to get better by themselves.

It is easy to give practical solutions for improving your life but when you are overwhelmed it just doesn't do enough.

You have plenty of positives in your life which you are well aware of. Life is too short too be leaving things slide, see a good gp asap.

I wish you all the best, things will get better with the right help.

miamee

OP perhaps you could contact Amen, they help men who are or have been in abusive relationships. Although it was some time ago, it sounds like you may not have fully gotten over that relationship and it is holding you back now. Otherwise please talk to your GP and have him/her recommend the best next step for you. I'm sure things will look and feel very different once you have taken steps to start making a change in your life. Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi again, thank you all for the replies. A few suggestions raised, going to my GP is not possible as he plays golf with my manager & his brother in law (who also works in a position of authority for the same company). If my 'secret' were to become common knowledge then I really think my sanity would crumble. Counselling is expensive & with only one wage coming in then I don't think I could afford it, how ever I will try. I've been told I need in depth counselling before but as a result of being so isolated socially I don't know if I can take that final leap of faith & trust someone enough to bare all & let go. Another factor that's become evident (to me anyway) is regret. After I got out of the previously mentioned relationship I drifted from one dead end job to another mostly working nights. It helped me avoid human contact by sleeping during the day & having minimal interaction during the night.

However I know see it as having let so many years slip by, I allowed the Celtic tiger to pass me by. I become stuck in one dead job after another, I was trying to repay debts & could focus on nothing else. I had to move back in with my parents & endured my siblings alternating between feeling sorry for me & thinking I was a failure. My parents were & still are great towards me, they're however elderly now & I realised that while I grew up they grew old. I know they're going to die eventually & when that happens I know I'm going to be hit hard by it. My wife's parents don't really bother with my children but fuss endlessly over their other grandchildren so when my parents go it'll be devastating. I regret the wasted years & opportunities now. My wife & kids are all that really keeps me from being another statistic. However my wife & I have had to work really hard at staying together the last 18 months & both of us have thought of ending it but thankfully we haven't & I'd like to think we'll stay together.

In a familial sense when my parents die my wife & I are on our own. It feels like the only reason I'll have to venture outside after that is to go to work or walk the dog. I'm afraid I'll be looking out a window watching the world pass my by like I did when I got myself trapped in the dead end jobs during the noughties. If my wife tells me that one of her friends is going to visit I'm straight away trying to work out a way I can avoid being there. If her friends bring their husbands/bf or whatever with them then I'm usually frightened of the prospect. My wife recently joked about organising a 40th birthday party for me in 2 years time but the thought of that scares me no end. It'd become all too apparent to anyone that does know me that I don't have a friend in the world. It's the reason I didn't have an 18th, 21st or 30th birthday party. Just before I got married I had a stags (no way to avoid it) & it was an embarrassment though not for the usual reasons. It was an embarrassment as apart from a few in laws on my side & a few cousins there was no list of names to invite. Sometimes I think that loneliness is my lot in life & that I should just accept it.

Big Bag of Chips

Hi Heynonymous, have you looked at the threads stickied at the top of the Forum? Information for Distressed Posters has links that may be helpful to you. Also the Personal Issues Charter may point you in the direction of services who could help you.

Please have a look though and contact someone. There is help out there, you just need to find what suits you.