Where to start/heartbroken

LegacyUser

After 25 years together it is time for me to leave my OH.I have known since June (all year really I suppose) that something wasnt right and it turns out that he has been seeing a much younger girl/woman amongst other things.
My life has completely changed since June.I am absolutely heartbroken,devastated and hurt beyond belief.
He has denied it,lied and turned everything around that it is all in my head ect. He denied ever having any contact with her and has given the most ridiculous excuses for all the proof that I have..blamed his friends ect.

The effect this has had on me is enormous..I have lost a lot of weight and am now definitely underweight,I look ill to be honest and I honestly now believe that a broken heart is a real illness with no cure.
If anyone has gone through this and has left the family home(child involved) i would be grateful for any advise or just to know how you coped. BTW there is no way he will leave or sell so thats a non runner. TIA...

Emme

Jill555 wrote: »

After 25 years together it is time for me to leave my OH.I have known since June (all year really I suppose) that something wasnt right and it turns out that he has been seeing a much younger girl/woman amongst other things.
My life has completely changed since June.I am absolutely heartbroken,devastated and hurt beyond belief.
He has denied it,lied and turned everything around that it is all in my head ect. He denied ever having any contact with her and has given the most ridiculous excuses for all the proof that I have..blamed his friends ect.

The effect this has had on me is enormous..I have lost a lot of weight and am now definitely underweight,I look ill to be honest and I honestly now believe that a broken heart is a real illness with no cure.
If anyone has gone through this and has left the family home(child involved) i would be grateful for any advise or just to know how you coped. BTW there is no way he will leave or sell so thats a non runner. TIA...

If you are thinking of splitting from your husband get good legal advice before you even think about leaving the family home. You might jeopardise your rights and your child's rights if you leave the family home without proper legal advice.

If you look ill and are underweight you might need to get your health checked out as well.

I am single so can't really advise on a marriage but I do know that many men in relationships cheat. I don't condone cheating myself but often the cheating means nothing to the men concerned and they still love their partners despite everything. Are you happy to leave your husband for simply cheating on you? The over 35s dating scene is very harsh and most men date several women at a time and very few are willing to commit, particularly as people get older. If you walk out you may never find a partner again. You can live a perfectly good life without a partner but are you happy to risk this? By all means walk if your husband is abusive in other ways but is it worth throwing your marriage away over an affair?

Would you and your husband consider marriage counselling? Infidelity is a deal breaker for some but not for everyone if the marriage is otherwise good.

If you are happy to start life afresh as a single mother get appropriate legal advice before doing anything else.

Meathlass

Emme wrote: »

I don't condone cheating myself but often the cheating means nothing to the men concerned and they still love their partners despite everything. Are you happy to leave your husband for simply cheating on you? The over 35s dating scene is very harsh and most men date several women at a time and very few are willing to commit, particularly as people get older. If you walk out you may never find a partner again. You can live a perfectly good life without a partner but are you happy to risk this? By all means walk if your husband is abusive in other ways but is it worth throwing your marriage away over an affair?

OP I couldn't disagree more about the above. He hasn't just cheated. He's lied, denied it and tried to make out that it's all in your head. Don't demean yourself by staying in this 'relationship'.

You may need to see a lawyer. Is the home in both your names? Is he the child's father? Are you married?

Nymeria

Emme wrote: »

I am single so can't really advise on a marriage but I do know that many men in relationships cheat. I don't condone cheating myself but often the cheating means nothing to the men concerned and they still love their partners despite everything. Are you happy to leave your husband for simply cheating on you? The over 35s dating scene is very harsh and most men date several women at a time and very few are willing to commit, particularly as people get older. If you walk out you may never find a partner again. You can live a perfectly good life without a partner but are you happy to risk this? By all means walk if your husband is abusive in other ways but is it worth throwing your marriage away over an affair?

Would you and your husband consider marriage counselling? Infidelity is a deal breaker for some but not for everyone if the marriage is otherwise good.

If you are happy to start life afresh as a single mother get appropriate legal advice before doing anything else.

My god what a thoroughly depressing reply.....firstly, just to make one thing very clear - the OP is not throwing away her marriage, her husband did that when he lied and cheated. His behaviour is not her responsibility, nor should she 'put up and shut up' with cheating and lies just to keep a man, as this person seems to be advocating. What year is this again?

OP, I would agree that you need to get legal advice about your options, start planning your own future. It is time to think about yourself and your child now, this man sounds like he isn't on your side anymore. And the reality is, he can moan all he wants about not wanting to sell the house but if you file for divorce (I assume you are married), then we won't have a say in the matter.

For now, please take care of your health, get some real life support for yourself. Have you told any friends or family who can help you?
Please have a look at the Chump Lady website. I don't think we are allowed to post links but if you google it you will find some great stories of other women who have moved on from cheating partners and found happiness again. Their tag line is 'leave a cheater, gain a life'.

LegacyUser

OP here..Thanks for replies
Emme I know what you are saying and I wish I could stay but I know I could never forgive or forget .He knows me well enough not to admit it and yet the lies are as bad.Counselling wouldnt work even if he agreed..i tried 2 sessions myself but Im not one to open up about personal stuff and knew it wouldnt help before I even tried it.
As well as an affair there is also total denial of a second phone,snapchat , facetime ect on 2 phones(Im 100% sure of these) .Lots more stuff as well.

Meathlass...We never married and he is the father.Right now I couldnt care less about the house as I know I need to get away asap before I really breakdown(although i have no doubt that I have/am going through a breakdown tbh. House is in both names so I will address that when Im able to in the future hopefully.
What I really need to be able to do is make the first step but I cant see that i will be able to afford somewhere thats suitable for me and a young teen.Im thinking of trying to get somewhere near and collect from school and stay until bed time but is this really feasible?Im also worried that I will be judged if I move out with my child.

Bottom line here and the main prob is that I absolutely love him (this has actually made me realise how much) but I know in my heart that I could never trust him again and I cant live like that. I have been in bits since May/June with no let up and its not getting easier. Just cant stop crying at the moment even in the car,,honestly every song is setting me off lol...Just so wish I could turn back the clock....

Emme

Jill555 wrote: »

OP here..Thanks for replies
Emme I know what you are saying and I wish I could stay but I know I could never forgive or forget .He knows me well enough not to admit it and yet the lies are as bad.Counselling wouldnt work even if he agreed..i tried 2 sessions myself but Im not one to open up about personal stuff and knew it wouldnt help before I even tried it.
As well as an affair there is also total denial of a second phone,snapchat , facetime ect on 2 phones(Im 100% sure of these) .Lots more stuff as well.

Meathlass...We never married and he is the father.Right now I couldnt care less about the house as I know I need to get away asap before I really breakdown(although i have no doubt that I have/am going through a breakdown tbh. House is in both names so I will address that when Im able to in the future hopefully.
What I really need to be able to do is make the first step but I cant see that i will be able to afford somewhere thats suitable for me and a young teen.Im thinking of trying to get somewhere near and collect from school and stay until bed time but is this really feasible?Im also worried that I will be judged if I move out with my child.

Bottom line here and the main prob is that I absolutely love him (this has actually made me realise how much) but I know in my heart that I could never trust him again and I cant live like that. I have been in bits since May/June with no let up and its not getting easier. Just cant stop crying at the moment even in the car,,honestly every song is setting me off lol...Just so wish I could turn back the clock....

I'm a realist and a pragmatist living in the 21st century. I don't think people should leave a good relationship without careful consideration. However it seems this relationship is not worth saving.

OP, if the house is in both your names get legal advice before you leave. If you have a child together and have been living together for a designated period of time you may have rights under the civil partnership act. Let him buy you out of the house if he wants to stay that much.

Nobody will judge you for leaving him. Can you stay with a friend or relative for a week to take a break from the house and clear your head a little? Can your child get himself or herself to school independently? Or let your partner care for your child while you are away.

ash23

Over six years ago I left my partner as he was cheating on me. Actually he ended it then admitted to cheating and asked for another chance. I said no.
He refused to leave the house so I left with my 5 year old.
He stayed on in the house, rented out rooms and I rented privately.
We were lucky enough to earn enough to be able to do that. The child is not biologically his so I'm not sure how it works in that regards. I recommend a trip to a solicitor.

Six years later I rarely think of him and never see him. He doesn't see the child which was his choice. We still own the house but I'm settled in local authority housing. My child is nearly 12 and doing fantastic.
I'm in a new relationship and happy.

The first couple of years are not good but I'd rather suffer two years of heartache by a breakup than a lifetime of heartache in a crappy relationship.

LegacyUser

OP here again
Emme..He cant afford to buy me out as I have suggested that...Also I worded earlier reply incorrectly..I meant I will be judged if I move out on my own(as the mother always is) but I would be able to collect from school and stay til bedtime 3 weeks out of the month. i know I can only afford shared accomadation as rents here are very high.

ash23 Well done on moving on and finding happiness I can only now appreciate how difficult that is....I often replied to threads here advising people to move out/on when cheating occured but never realised the huge impact it has on the person who has been cheated on until now...You really never know a situation until it visits yourself.

I will visit a solicitor as I have a feeling that not being married will make the house situation complicated.

As I post this my ex is away in the sun for a week with a group of friends(all at least 10 yrs younger) and none have partners or kids so I can only imagine what is going on. I am usually such a strong no crap kind of person that I can belive that i am in this situation tbh and never thought I would react this way.I always said that if anything like this seemed possible that we would say it first to each other...life is so unpredictable.

Neyite

Jill, don't move out until you talk to a solicitor. The deciding factor about who stays is usually the children and the primary carer.

Get legal advice asap. Once you know your options you can formulate a plan. That will reduce a lot of the stress and uncertainty you are experiencing right now, and you can begin to move on and heal.

catonthewire

Emme wrote: »

I'm a realist and a pragmatist living in the 21st century. I don't think people should leave a good relationship without careful consideration. However it seems this relationship is not worth saving.

OP, if the house is in both your names get legal advice before you leave. If you have a child together and have been living together for a designated period of time you may have rights under the civil partnership act. Let him buy you out of the house if he wants to stay that much.

Nobody will judge you for leaving him. Can you stay with a friend or relative for a week to take a break from the house and clear your head a little? Can your child get himself or herself to school independently? Or let your partner care for your child while you are away.

As a woman, who is also a realist living in the 21st century, women are no longer defined by relationships!!!
When a partner cheats they do so for a reason...
Yes some people can forgive, if they feel that there is a relationship worth saving..
The op can't forgive and is entitled to her happiness, she is worth much more than a life which only revolves around being or not being with someone...

Op, get legal advice asap......
People survive the trauma of relationships breakups, move on too happy and fulfilling lives, don't sell yourself short....
When you get your living and financial arrangements sorted, seek some counseling then start enjoying life again...

Dixie Chick

You poor thing.

On a practical note, definitely get the legal advice regarding the home. Should you divorce eventually he will have no choice to either buy you out or whatever but just make sure your butt is covered there

As for the cheating, everyone can make a mistake be it once or an actual affair (not condoning this is anyway ) and it may be symptomatic of something else wrong in the relationship. However this is as you rightly point out lies and betrayal and that's actually not someone who is a good or nice person as he is turning it back on you, that will have a horrible long effect on you, almost worse than the act of the cheating.

Take care of your health, just eat simple meals and once you have your legal advice then go to you support network of friends and family.

Good luck to you

Dr. Lollington

Op, I really feel for you. The pain in your post is so raw and palpable.

I know that feeling of absolute devastation and heartbreak where everything and anything can set you off. I had my heart broken a few years ago and I never thought I'd get over it. I tried everything (including posting on here at the time which helped). I drank my a** off ( I don't recommend this) and even counselling (might be worth considering).

I know what you mean when you say this made me realise just how in love with him you are. It was the same for me. I was physically in pain I missed him so much. He cheated on me and clearly didn't feel the same way. Sadly your partner doesn't seem to either.

I remember calling him a few weeks after we broke up and begging him to meet me. He reluctantly did and we ended up having s*x. I remember silently crying during it cos I knew it would be the last time and that he'd end up being somebody else's. The pain of knowing he didn't love me and that he'd be madly in love with someone else one day near killed me.

However, having said all of that, I DID get over him. Funnily enough, he's the one who came crawling back to me and I got to say 'No thanks!'. That felt pretty good!

Op you too will get over this but it's gonna take time. That's the only true healer in my opinion. Your self worth will take a knock, your health already is taking a knock and mentally you will suffer but one day, you will be absolutely 100% over this and him. I promise you that. You don't deserve to be lied to and cheated on, you poor thing.

Please ignore Emme's post about being 35 and single. God, what a depressing outlook she has.

You are stronger than you think you are. You are gonna be fine. Just take deep breaths, post on here, surround yourself with friends and try to eat well and get sleep.

Xxxx