feel like i'm losing it

LegacyUser

This is more of a rant and a place to let it out before I get too upset about it. I don't have another counselling session until next week and need to let this out. I was depressed in 2012 and it was horrible. Through medication, hard work and cbt, I've come out the other side. However, things are getting increasingly difficult for me and I'm afraid it's going to lead me down the dark path again.

I hate my job. It makes me very unhappy to come in. I don't enjoy it, I have no qualifications, I have no ambition to study in this area. I want out. I'm constantly wishing that they let me go so I don't have to voluntarily leave. My pay is awful. Two thirds of it goes on crèche fees as I'm a single mother and have to pay it all myself. I don't want to voluntarily leave because it might not do my mental health any good. But I don't want to stay here. I have tried applying for jobs but even though I've three years experience, the fact I've no qualification stands against me.

My child's father is an emotional abuser and it's really getting to me. I was in court yesterday regarding the father of my child and my own father handed me a leaflet on woman's aid. it goes to show that even my parents can see it's abuse. I know he is abusing and everyone says to just cut him off but the compassionate part of me thinks about my daughter, and even though he's always texting me and calling me regarding NOTHING to do with our child, even though im not comfortable being with him, even though he's always late and doesn't care that everyone has to wait around for him, I still let him come see her because I feel guilty. He is trying to work his way around me and try to get me to tell the dept of justice that he lives with us so he can claim he lives in the state. He is illegal and I'm getting increasingly worried about what he might do as he gets more desperate about his situation. I'm so scared he's going to tell the DOJ that he lives with us. I have wrote a letter to them already claiming that he isn't but I'm still scared.

The final thing is my boyfriend. I'm getting more and more too easily annoyed with him because I feel like he just doesn't understand me. He's always asking to go out, to do things, to go to hotels and what not, and he knows I have no money. He offers to pay but I don't want him to pay for things all the time because I feel bad as I won't be able to return the favour. He doesn't have a child so doesn't understand how exhausting it is sometimes, and I just don't want to always be saying no to him and holding him back. He's such a nice guy, he treats me well, he likes my daughter and she likes him. But I just don't feel I can commit fully in an emotional way at the moment.

I hope I don't come across as selfish and "me me me"! I love my family and friends and would do anything for them. The thing though is I have forgotten how to take care of myself and I'm suffering in the process. It's probably just a bad patch with the stress of court and fear that my ex will over power me in some way. but I'm sure it will get better soon

Rubberchikken

You're not coming across as selfish. You're a person under pressure and something will snap if you don't get support.

Your dad is trying to help. Talk to him.

Set up some boundaries with your ex. Don't get sucked into his nonsense.

Consider going back to education.
VTOS helps with childcare so is worth checking out.

Explain how you're feeling to your bf.
Dating doesn't have to involve much expense.

Take care

HalloweenJack

As above but I'd add that you should take your BF up on some of his offers.

You say he's a nice guy and treats you well so it doesn't seem like he'd be holding the cost over your head. I know what it's like to not want other people paying your way, I also hate it. But it sounds like you're having such a tough time at the moment that a little indulgence on your part would do you the world of good. Don't worry about the money, just accept it for what it is, a kind gesture from your BF.

If he's as good to you as you say, it shouldn't be a problem.

Saralee4

it sounds like your still dealing with the issues from the abuse concerning your childs father.

Emotional abuse is very damaging and it may have affected your outlook and views of yourself even though you have acknowledged that it is his problem, it can be very hard to get your confidence and your self back. Emotional abusers almost get inside your head and project their own issues and self hatred onto the person they are abusing and it can be impossible to deal with a person like that so I understand your fears as often those kind of people can go very low to get what they want. Although I know that your concern is your child, showing him any kind of compassion is not good. This allows him to think that he still has some control over you and essentially that's what emotional abusers crave. Especially if you are 'attached' to him because you have a child together.

You are doing YOUR best for your daughter. It is not your fault that he has issues. The best thing you can do is protect yourself and your daughter from him. He is probably never going to be the Father that you want for your child. If he has the possibility to get better psychologically then that is something he is responsible for, not you. That is something that he has to prove to his daughter. It isn't nice but its better that you keep control over his relationship with her.

you sound like a very strong, understanding and warm-hearted woman. The fact that you work and pay childcare fees as a single mother shows that you are doing your best. Don't be hard on yourself.

Qualifications are not everything when it comes to a career. Most of the time it is determination, attention to detail and a desire to do a good job although the way things are now I know that it is hard to get into certain jobs, if any at all. If you are really unhappy in your job, you should start looking for a new one and just keep a focus on that as a goal for better things. Often employers can see that someone really wants a job. You have to learn how to talk about the positive traits that you have rather than worrying too much about qualifications. Just take an hour a week, get your cv sorted and sit down for the hour and send out cvs then don't think about it again until the next week. Until then just try to think positively about your current position as much as you can.

I understand that you feel that your boyfriend doesn't understand your position and you probably have put up some walls because of your past experiences. Your boyfriend doesn't understand what you've been through but that doesn't mean you should be annoyed with him. It sounds like he is trying to understand and probably feels like taking you away and treating you will make you feel good which is really nice and shows that he is trying to understand.

Your ex will not 'over power' you. You have already over powered him by getting out of the relationship. He will not be able to get away with lying in court and you have taken the best action by writing your letter confirming that he is not living with you.

You dont sound selfish at all. You just have a lot on your plate right now and its totally justified that you would feel that way.