Can't stop thinking about their affair .

LegacyUser

My husband had an affair two years ago with my best friend . I only discovered by accident when she became pregnant by him . Needless to say , I left him . He is constantly begging me to try and get out marriage back on track again . I love him and I know he loves me , despite doing what he did . It happened because she's a jealous , vindictive b**** and she wanted what she couldn't have . She went out to destroy our marriage and succeeded . Please don't think that I'm excusing him . He chose to do what he did , she didn't force him .
Our marriage is over . I could never trust him again . But , nearly two years down the line , I am finding it impossible to get on with my life . My heart is broken . I was betrayed not only by the man I loved dearly , but by the person whom I thought was my best friend . It was a double betrayal and its eating me up . I can't sleep , I can't eat , I cant focus at my job . I'm constantly snapping at my dear children . I'm embarrassed to go to counselling because I feel like such a bloody fool for not realising what was happening under my nose . I haven't told my family because I can't help thinking that they'll find some way to blame me for him straying ( I was too bossy/too hard on him / expected too much of him etc etc .
I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this to be honest . I think I just needed to let it all out . Thanks for listening.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I'm going to preface this by saying that I am not a counsellor, but is does sounds like the issue here is that you have bottled up all of the anger and emotion that goes with the betrayal that you have experienced between the affair, the fact that it was your best friend, and the fact that she became pregnant by him - any one of those on their own is hard to take, but that's a triple blow all at once. And trying to hold the rest of your family together after that can not be easy.

The issue with bottling something like that up is that eventually it works its way to the surface in some form, as you are learning now, and I think that you have hit the nail on the head when you say that "I think I just needed to let it all out". You have done nothing wrong - your only 'mistake' was having faith in your partner, and that is nothing to be embarrassed about. If you don't want to discuss it with friends or family, then please see a counsellor - believe me when I say that they have seen it all before, and will be able to help you work through it.

Rubberchikken

I think going to counselling would help get these things out in the open.
No one is going to think badly of you. You trusted them both. They both betrayed you.
That's a lot to deal with, and talking it out could help you to start putting it behind you .

Best of luck

Toots

Another vote for counselling here. As mike said, they've heard it all before (and worse) and their job is to help you. I currently see a counsellor - not for marriage issues, but a variety of other stuff - and it was something that I'd NEVER have considered in the past, however I can't even begin to describe how helpful it's been.

When you say you haven't told your family, do you mean that your family don't know why you and your husband split up, or are they completely unaware that he's left? If it's the latter, they're going to find out sooner or later. Counselling would be a way to help you deal with their potential reactions, and also on dealing with your husband going forward.

CaraMay

Op I'm so sorry you have been through this hellish experience. There is no shame in trusting and who, in their right minds, would believe their husband and best friend would betray them so badly.

Is he still with her? If so, how are you hiding the fact he has a child from your family and friends? You need support. Tell them. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

LegacyUser

OP
You have had a hell of a lot to deal it. I think its good to acknowledge and hear from others that it wont be solved overnight.
For what its worth I think you a going well to have held it together for this long alone.

Your post reads like a release. You dont need to carry this yourself you are not to blame at all. No one for a second would think you stupid or naivie for any of this.
Sometimes bad things happen to good people.
I think it would be of comfort and help to speak to counselling services. Even just externalising some of the hurt and pain will help.
It will help bring you to a helathier more comforted place. (snapping will go)

You dont need to hide or feel any shame. Hold your head up proud!
You have my vote as a complete randomer that you are going a great job and good mum!

LegacyUser

Op you definitely need to go to counselling to let it all out and see if you can work on getting over the betrayal by the two people you thought were closest to you. Also maybe by the end of the process you will find that you don't really 'love' him as much.

I don't really like the way you are blaming the woman in all of this, it doesn't matter how much your perceive that she was jealous and vindictive and she set out to ruin your marriage, whether she threw herself naked at him - he didn't have to take the bait. There is a pair of them in it and he is as much to blame as her.

Playboy

Take him back. You want and you will grow to trust him again in time.

Jenneke87

Playboy wrote: »

Take him back. You want and you will grow to trust him again in time.

Based on what, exactly? He got her best friend pregnant knowing full well their relation and the risks involved. He betrayed her in the worst way possible, she'll always be wondering what he is up to next, and that he fathered a child outside their marriage. Based on what does he deserve another chance?

Playboy

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Based on what, exactly? He got her best friend pregnant knowing full well their relation and the risks involved. He betrayed her in the worst way possible, she'll always be wondering what he is up to next, and that he fathered a child outside their marriage. Based on what does he deserve another chance?

He made a mistake. They are both terribly unhappy. Relationships can be mended if there is a will. People are under too much pressure to end relationships when someone makes a mistake especially when it comes to cheating. Society seems to make people feel they need to terminate a relationship even if they dont want to. We seem to treat people who forgive as walkovers or weak when in reality that isnt necessarily the case. Trust can always be rebuilt and anyone saying the opposite is full of sht. Sometimes ending the relationship is the right thing to do and sometimes the wrong thing to do but imo this lady sounds like it is at least worth a second shot.

Jenneke87

She's unhappy because of him and his horrible actions, I doubt she's dancing the samba because he got another woman pregnant. This is not a mistake, you don't end up in your partners best friends bed " by mistake" and you don't get her pregnant"by mistake" unless he's so thick he cannot distinquish between the two of them.....I can't read anywhere in her post she wants to get back with him but get over the pain that he caused her. On what ground has he earned forgiveness in any way? And from what I read, only he wants to save the relation and it will still take the two of them to do it, if she wants to. I know I sure as hell wouldn't.....

wakeboarding

Playboy wrote: »

Take him back. You want and you will grow to trust him again in time.

Are you for real??? As your username suggests your in the same boat as him! OP please go for counselling - it honestly will help you to get back on track. You have been through an awful lot and this will help you clarify things in your head

ManOfMystery

Playboy wrote: »

Trust can always be rebuilt and anyone saying the opposite is full of sht.

I'm sorry, but this is complete rubbish. Trust cannot always be rebuilt. There are many factors which will determine this - the individuals involved, how the trust was broken in the first place, long term consequences, and so on. To simply produce a blanket statement like that ("anyone saying the opposite is full of sht") is extremely narrow-minded and shows a complete lack of understanding for the many different problems which can be encountered in a relationship.

Some relationships can be salvaged, yes. But not always. In a situation like this, where there is a permanent reminder of the affair (a child produced from it) then the OP can be fully forgiven for not being able to rebuild that trust.

Taltos

Mod Note:
wakeboarding - welcome to PI/RI. Please have a read of our charter. Attacking other posters is not on here, which is what your comment on Playboys username is. You might not agree with their opinion, but per the charter argue the post not the poster.

Thanks
Taltos

Quirkygirl

Please go to a counsellor, contact accord now, today. It will help you in every way to get through this. Perhaps you will be able to trust your husband again, perhaps not. Either way it will help you. Do it. Please.

ash23

OP I think that when it all happened your main concern was the children. And you've probably spent the last couple of years getting them through the breakup and the new half sibling news, being practical and looking after everyone but yourself. Plus the anger towards you ex and ex best friend probably has been keeping you going. Anger is great fuel.


Now the kids are probably ok and settled, the anger is burning out a bit and now it's time for you to deal with the other parts of this. The feelings of betrayal, guilt, shame, humiliation, depression, hurt and everything in between,,,,,it's all normal. All part of grieving for the loss of your marriage, your friendship, the future you thought you had.

There's no time frame to get over something like this. You'll do it in your own time and counselling would probably help but you'll most likely process it in time. Anyone who has been betrayed can probably relate to what you're feeling and it's been delayed because you've been dealing with the practical stuff. Now it's time to deal with the emotional stuff.

It's a horrid thing to go through and I really feel for you. I went through similar myself and thankfully I'm out the other side but when I think about it I still get a sinking, sickening feeling in my stomach about it.
All the best OP

Playboy

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm sorry, but this is complete rubbish. Trust cannot always be rebuilt. There are many factors which will determine this - the individuals involved, how the trust was broken in the first place, long term consequences, and so on. To simply produce a blanket statement like that ("anyone saying the opposite is full of sht") is extremely narrow-minded and shows a complete lack of understanding for the many different problems which can be encountered in a relationship.

Some relationships can be salvaged, yes. But not always. In a situation like this, where there is a permanent reminder of the affair (a child produced from it) then the OP can be fully forgiven for not being able to rebuild that trust.

I said can not will. There is always the possibility that issues can be resolved and people can trust again. the narrative in modern relationships seems to be once a cheater, always a cheater, you will alwys be thinking what if, yada yada yada. Imo that is horsesht. As you say, relationships and circumstances are complex but people are far too easy these days with advice to confine relationships and families to dustbins because someone has lied or cheated. People then feel pressurised by peers, friends, family members etc to not forgive when in fact they may want to and think its the right thing to do. This woman has said she still loves this guy, they have family... my advice give it another shot, its worth it. If it doesnt work out then so be it

ManOfMystery

Playboy wrote: »

I said can not will. There is always the possibility that issues can be resolved and people can trust again. the narrative in modern relationships seems to be once a cheater, always a cheater, you will alwys be thinking what if, yada yada yada. Imo that is horsesht. As you say, relationships and circumstances are complex but people are far too easy these days with advice to confine relationships and families to dustbins because someone has lied or cheated. People then feel pressurised by peers, friends, family members etc to not forgive when in fact they may want to and think its the right thing to do. This woman has said she still loves this guy, they have family... my advice give it another shot, its worth it. If it doesnt work out then so be it

OP's first post states "I could never trust him again". That pretty much sums it up. Be advising her to open up her heart to him again, she is only adding more stress and potential heartbreak when all she asked for was advice on how to move on.

Jenneke87

Where in the op's post is pressure mentioned or that she wants to get back at him. It states she still loves him, not that she wants him back. We can love people who are not good for us and why should she get back with him when he deliberataly caused her so much pain. This is not an " oh I drunkenly snogged a stranger in a disco" scenario, he got her best friend pregnant. He betrayed their marriage, their family, her trust and showed his true colours by not stopping the affair. He had a " chance" to let this be a one time collosal mistake, instead he went a little bit further and got her best friend pregnant thus destroying a second relation in the process. It must have been incredibly hard for her to deal with the betrayal and the falling apart of their family so I don't think it's fair to say that people are throwing away a relationship too soon, I think this cases are a perfect example of why some relationships just cannot be salvaged because the damage runs too deep. And if the man had somehow be able to keep this affair quiet, who can guarentee that he wouldn't have continued with it? I mean it was not like he intented to stay very faithful anyways....

LegacyUser

The fundamental basis of any relationship is trust.

I remember being cheated on many years ago by a longer term girlfriend. Had my suspicions but convinced myself I was just paranoid. Amazingly easy to believe given alternative. Only got confirmation when I caught her out immediately after breakup with the fellow she didn't have.

Felt similar feelings to yourself about being idiot and embarrassed to tell. Didn't tell for some time. Very normal to feel this way but its a negative feeling that needs to be corrected.

Relationships are about trust. You can't guard against dishonesty and breaking of trust. You can only deal with it head on when it happens. Unfortunately!!!! And it damn well hurts. Another thing you can't guard against only deal with.

Listen to music and how artists express their pain from relationship hurt. Helps to know you're very much not alone.

You deserve better !!!!