Fed up of being poor

LegacyUser

I am in my early 30s, married with one child. When I met my husband, he had a great job, he worked hard for it and studied hard. The profession he was in there are always jobs for. I was training to be an accountant. Anyway, long story short, I fell pregnant, lost my job (not related to pregnancy) I was very sick throughout pregnancy and afterwards. Then after baby was born my husband quit his job. I knew he was going to do it, but i didn't want him too. He suffers from crippling migraines and he was getting a lot of hassle because he was taking a lot of days off. Company doctor basically told him to suck it up and take painkillers and go to work.

Anyway, I am good in crisis, and got all our paper work sorted. We lasted of our savings for a good few months and then I signed on the dole and I claim for the two of us and our child. we are on rent allowance and on the council house list. Two years now.

I don't like were we live. It's a rough area, no matter how hard I try I cannot get my husband back to work. He is so much more qualified than me, and he could jump into a 45/50grand job a year but he still has migraines daily. We have been to specialist, therapist, hospitals, you name it. They all give different medications and he tries them, some help a little and some don't. He has it in his head now, that this is it, he can't work again and it's up to me to support the family. I will literally be starting from scratch. I got offered a course, in IT for 8 months, as a back to work scheme. They provide childcare as my husband said he won't be up to minding out child.
My son is 2 and I don't want to leave him all day in a creche from 9-5 but at the same time I do not want to raise my child on the dole. I've always worked and want to work. If I do get a job it will be a trainee positions and it will work out the same as the dole. Overall.

I will so stuck. Depressed and I want out of this horrible situation. I hate were I live and if we both worked, we could have a better life for our child and our family What can I do?

This so everyone knows, I am not having anymore kids and I do make sure of that.

Lalealea

Firstly I am sorry for your situation.

I always say that when you have done everything you can you can't worry about the things you can't control.

You have to keep faith in your ability to cope. You sound very strong.

And you child will see this in you above all. You are what will shape your child not your neighbourhood.

If your husband can't look after him full time perhaps he could part time. So your child has a parental care and not just creche nine to five. (I agree full time creche is not ideal for all) And you might progress as time goes on to a better job.

I think your husband needs to readjust his attitude. He needs aspirations. And he needs dreams and hope. He will succumb to sadness and depression sick and at home alone.

Keep faith in him and be positive for his sake. Don't let him give up. Support him but don't let it drain you.

Ask his family for help if you can.

I think working will be good for you actually as it will give you time away from him and a change is as good as a rest.


Attitude is everything :-)

You sound really strong.

R.D. aka MR.D

You say, 'if we both worked' it would be better. Where would your child be then?

It might not be ideal to put your son in the creche but have you thought about how your situation as long-term unemployed might affect him in the future?

Surely you want to better yourself for his sake? You wouldn't be in training positions for the next 16 years, you could work to move up.

Your husband has a problem and it's up to him to get help for it. There are new treatments like botox for migraines now, that are supposed to work wonders. if he doesn't want to work and you aren't willing to support him then leave him. If you make the decision to stay with them then you need to support him 100% because again, what damage would living with parents who don't like each other have on your child?

But at the end of the day, you have the ability to work and better your situation but you are choosing not to because you think it's the best thing for your child but is it really?

ABajaninCork

I really feel for your husband. I too suffer badly from migraine and have done since I was 14. At one point, I had to take beta blockers as I was getting them daily. I assume this is something your husband has tried? Like the previous poster said, I've also heard great things about Botox being used to treat migraines.

It's also very difficult to break the cycle of unemployment, boredom, hopelessness and despair that comes from long-term unemployment. I can relate there too!

Not being funny, but it occurred to me that the migraines might be psychological. He's expecting a migraine, so he gets one, IYKWIM. I would also question why he quit the job after your child was born, and didn't bother to look for another one. That seems very selfish to me. Do you think there's an underlying psychological issue?

He also won't look after the baby whilst you're at your course? Why's that? Does he do much to help you round the house and with the baby?

Perhaps you could make an appointment with your GP to discuss further options. Perhaps find another specialist if the one he has now isn't helping. Maybe some counselling could help you both. You and your husband are supposed to be a team. But only one of you is doing any input. You need to find out why.

LegacyUser

Hi it's me again. Thanks for all your input. I do want to better my childs life. That's why I am fed up. It's not that I don't want too. I do. It's that I feel the situation is hopeless. I don't have any qualification that would land me a job that pays better than what we are on now, If I am being blunt. It would mean the same amount or less. My husband on the other hand is highly qualified and could support us comfortably.

I was going to wait until my child starts preschool/school to work or try and find some job that I can train in and have the chance of working my way up but then this option came for the course, that is 8months 9-4 and provides childcare. It's in a subject that I don't really like but it would be a good area for jobs. The problem I have is leaving my child in childcare from 9-4, 5 days a week for a course. I feel so guilty because my child is used to being around me every day and is very clingy. My husband wouldn't be able to mind our child because he has massive migraines that literally he just has to sleep.

My husband does try and help with our child as much as he can. I do all the rest. I'm ok with that because I am at home anyway. What else would I be doing?

I don't want to leave my husband. I love him so much and he is a great father and husband. We never fight and do have a great relationship. The atmosphere in our family is a good one and our child is very happy.

What my problem is and why I'm fed up, is because I don't want to be unemployed, I don't want to just 'get' by. I want to make a better future for us all. I'm finding it difficult to get out of this financial situation.

meeeeh

Countless children turn up perfectly fine despite their parents working full time. Yours will too. As I see it, you can spend the rest of your life on welfare or you can start working/studying. Your partner is unwell and (unless he is faking and I don't think he is) unable to work, that means that the only person who can drag your family out of poverty is you. There is no other option.

Pawwed Rig

Why not mind kids? You can earn up to €15K tax free for minding children in your own home.
Otherwise continue your accountancy exams. ACCA can be done from home and you could divide the childcare between you giving you ample time to study. It would put you in a good position when you start work again if you are exam qualified.

Is your husband permanently disabled? If so it is unfair to keep asking hime to go back to work. Or do you suspect he is able to work but just won't?

Humria

That's an awful situation for you both. I do think you should do the course though. It's a great opportunity and the creches can be a chance for socialisation for children.

If he has not done so already, it may be worth your husband going to the GP and testing for allergies. A friend of mine suffered severe migraines for years, nearly on a daily basis. She was using really strong painkillers with limited effects. She just found out that they were caused by severe allergies to a lot of things. It might not be that that's causing them but it could be worth going to the doctor to investigate.

Playboy

Either he sorts out his migraines or get divorced. He cant just give up on life and expect you to just deal with it.

JuliusCaesar

Humria wrote: »

That's an awful situation for you both. I do think you should do the course though. It's a great opportunity and the creches can be a chance for socialisation for children.

It may not earn you or your family much now, but it may give you a way to earn more in future - and it sounds like you both need hope. Is your husband depressed by any chance? Hopelessness will often lead to depression, or vice versa.

Pawwed Rig

Playboy wrote: »

Either he sorts out his migraines or get divorced. He cant just give up on life and expect you to just deal with it.

In fairness if the man is sick then being abandoned by his family is hardly the solution. I would like to think my partner would stick by me should I be unable to work for any reason.

LegacyUser

My husband is sick and he isn't making it up. To be honest he does try very hard to do a lot even though he is suffering.

I think it is up to me. I will stick with him no matter what, as I love him dearly. He is a great man and he didn't ask for migraines. We are still seeing consultants regularly so maybe something will help more.