Is it normal for a therapist to put pressure on you to stay in therapy?

LegacyUser

I have been in therapy for almost a year but I want to leave for a number of reasons.

I have self esteem and anxiety issues which makes me feel I am more suited to CBT, which I am very keen to try, but my therapist seems to be sort of "anti" CBT. (She told me in her opinion its not sustainable in the long run and that I require deeper long term work). Therapy is also quite expensive and I am struggling to afford it. I know CBT is expensive too, but I am willing to spend the money if it means I will get better results.

Anyway my point is, if I ever tell her I can't attend therapy the following week due to financial issues, (which is rare) she goes dead silent and looks at the floor with a sort of dissapointed/angry look on her face. It makes me very anxious and then I have to figure out a way to get money because she makes me feel as though I've done something wrong if I don't attend. I end up babbling nervously that I will find a way to come.

I don't want to stay in therapy but I'm so nervous of telling her because I really feel I will get that deadpan look again. I'm pretty sure she feels its "resistance" or something, but I've grown suspicious of her motives and I just want out.

Is it normal for a therapist to apply this sort of pressure?? I mean I know everyone will have different styles, but does this sound like normal behaviour? I feel as though she has a very strong hold over me and its starting to get to me. Any advice would be great.

Thanks guys.

tinz18

I have never come across a therapist that pressured me like that. Tbh I wouldn't be happy going to someone I perceived as pressuring me like that- your therapist should be someone you can trust and respect not nearly fear. When I wanted to finish up therapy, my therapist just wished me luck and made sure I had her number in case I had a relapse, there was no pressure to continue.
Would you consider changing therapist? There are some associations such as Tivoli House that offer affordable sessions.
I would however be wary of approaching CBT as a cure-all (i.e. better results), I know people who swear by it and then others where it helped for a couple of months then they relapsed and badly because they thought they had been cured. In my opinion, its a combination needed depending on how severe the symptoms - CBT helps short-term management of symptoms while counselling helps get to the deeper underlying reasons for the anxieties.
However for either to work you need a therapist you're not scared of or worried of disappointing so find yourself a new therapist that doesn't make you feel that way.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I don't mean to be funny, but if you are going to a therapist because of anxiety issues, then is it possible that the anxiety you feel when giving her "bad news" is more down to your own feelings and perception of how she reacts, rather than how she actually reacts?

If you still feel anxious about telling people something that you think they mightn't like, then there is a chance you are perceiving things that aren't there? I know people who live in this mind frame, and they really do allow things to bother them that wouldn't necessarily bother someone else.

At the end of the day, it's your life. You are the one living with this, and ultimately it is your decision how to manage it. Maybe your therapist would be disappointed if you stopped going... But so what? Do you continue doing something that you are not comfortable with just to keep someone else happy? If you tell her you want to take a break for a few weeks and will ring to make an appointment, and she looks at the floor (?) so what? Once you've walked out the door you don't have to see her disapproving, disappointed look anymore! A couple of minutes of discomfort for you and then it will be over.

CBT may or may not work for you. This therapist or another may or may not work better.. But you are the only one who can make those decisions. And if you try something and it doesn't work, so what? Try something else. Just be sure to give whatever you try enough time.

Your therapist may just want your cash, or they may feel that you need more sessions but knows you are reluctant. Nobody here has anyway of knowing what goes on in the room between the two of you, and what your therapist's real motivations are. But again, this is your life.. The decisions you make will ultimately affect you and your life. And yes, you might make mistakes or the wrong decisions, but you will never know how something will work out until you give it a go.

I wouldn't advise anyone to go against the advice of their therapist. But, in saying that, it is very important that you are happy with whatever course of treatment you are on. If you are uneasy about anything you need to figure out is it because of your anxiety, or is it something else.

Greenduck

Pretty sound advice from above.

The main thing to listen to here is your gut OP. You've been going a year and only you know if it is working or not (or whether you see value in continuing on) Your therapist should definitely not make you feel guilty about leaving but may question your motives i.e. are you running away when things are getting tough?If a person suggests they may want to cease therapy, you both should look at the reasons why this has come up for you firstly, in this case the feelings that you're getting nowhere.

I have to agree with her re CBT. It seems to be the popular quick fix therapy of the moment and it does not suit everyone. It does work short term but may skim over the reason for the anxiety in the 1st place. If you wanted to change therapist, my advice would be to find someone who uses an integrative format that includes both person centered and CBT.

Regarding the pressure - no it is not normal. A therapist should never be pushy and make you feel awful for suggesting something. It is your space to use it how you want and your ultimate decision whether you want to continue. Let her know you felt guilty and feel pressured into staying. Get it out in the open and take it from there. I know its a hard thing to do, but if shes properly trained, you wont have a problem.

LegacyUser

if you are uncomfortable with your therapist i would suggest you change if that is what you want, you cannot however self diagnose, i tried that once and it makes everything so much worse trust me speak to a professional and keep speaking out until you feel you are getting the help you need.

just to disclose i went through CBT alongside Counseling after a few years of being very mentally unstable, and while CBT helped me get my current life on track allowing me to hold down a 9-5 job, helping me deal with an engagement i was in (or rather needed to get out of), helped me sort out me in general..etc it did not fix anything in the long term,

it was my counseling sessions which did that work and it took me 4 long years of seeing her every week/fortnight and me working on myself determined to get out of the bad place and make my life something positive,and to do work that positively impacted on others.

now obviously everyone is different and the above is my experience, but it took me a few different counsellors before i found one that i could work with and talk to, i would suggest you not give up on therapy just yet especially if you find yourself still suffering from anxiety but find one you are comfortable with, but keep looking for help until you find the help you need, it's the one thing i think everyone owes themselves.

Beaner1

Ditch them. I hate any of these professions where it is in their financial interest to keep you coming back every week.

Rubberchikken

Have you seen any provments in the past year?

You should feel comfortable with a therapist and if you're certain shw's trying to keep ypu returning for sessions and not what you're perceiving, then just stop going.

If you want to do something about anxiety, a good way is to start with not worrying what she thinks/does, and decide what's right for you

LegacyUser

Hi,

If you do consider changing, I've done CBT and feel that things are progressing better with IPT.

However, that may be down to my frame of mind being better than heading into CBT. CBT is not for everyone either - take a look at IPT before deciding.

Est28

A long time ago I was having a hard time with some stuff. I'm not really a big talker or gusher so therapy didn't appeal to me but I went on the advice of family.

Admittedly, it wasn't for me. Therapists and Councellors build a business on the idea that they help people but the reality is they do not provide answers. They have generic airy fairy things they ask you to do which they pretty much tailor to any and all situations but don't really help the real issues at hand by offering specific advice or solutions.

I know this is just my opinion, some people are helped just by the fact they can just release their thoughts and problems to someone if they have nobody else.

Unfortunately therapy is a business. They are not there to fix your problems all in one session. They make a living on making you come back again and again. Every time I wanted to discuss specific things the therapist would tell me things like "Oh, we'll get to that NEXT week, lets discuss <some random thing which has nothing to do with anything>".

After a while I just cut bait. I told her I couldn't make my next session and I felt ok and did not want to continue.

For about 2 months after I was bombarded with voicemails and emails with what basically amounted to scare tactics. Telling me I had SO many problems and that I'd NEVER be "cured" if I didn't come back and keep seeing her. I received the last email from her over a year after I stop seeing her. I lost all faith my then. She was basically trying to sound sympathetic while really trying to play on my fears by telling me my problems were bigger and deeper rooted than just having a hard time with some stuff going on at the time... and insisted I'd be a disaster for the rest of my life if I didn't keep seeing her.

This sounds exactly like what your therapist is doing. They KNOW the issues you are facing like the anxiety. So you would think they would be helping you right? But what are they REALLY doing? They are playing on that anxiety to the point you cannot confront them about this, hardly helping your problems are they?

It was a disgrace.


Anyway, long story short. If it's not working, just cancel the next session and don't go back. They try to use these scare tactics to keep your business but you are not obliged to keep going whatsoever if its just not for you.

LegacyUser

Different therapists suit different people. I know someone who has been going through a very difficult time, who was very resistant to counselling of any kind, and who then unfortunately ended up with a therapist who simply did not suit her. She nearly gave up on the whole idea. She changed counsellors and absolutely loves the person she is dealing with now. Her life has turned around. It might be too early to say that this is the end of her problems, but it has made a huge difference in a very short time.

Don't be afraid to leave the therapist you are with if you don't feel they are helping you. Don't feel the need to make any excuses. Don't even say anything; just cancel your next appointment if you don't want to go back. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't need the extra stress in your life of worrying about your therapist.

Magicmatilda

Est28 wrote: »

A long time ago I was having a hard time with some stuff. I'm not really a big talker or gusher so therapy didn't appeal to me but I went on the advice of family.

Admittedly, it wasn't for me. Therapists and Councellors build a business on the idea that they help people but the reality is they do not provide answers. They have generic airy fairy things they ask you to do which they pretty much tailor to any and all situations but don't really help the real issues at hand by offering specific advice or solutions.

I know this is just my opinion, some people are helped just by the fact they can just release their thoughts and problems to someone if they have nobody else.

Unfortunately therapy is a business. They are not there to fix your problems all in one session. They make a living on making you come back again and again. Every time I wanted to discuss specific things the therapist would tell me things like "Oh, we'll get to that NEXT week, lets discuss <some random thing which has nothing to do with anything>".

After a while I just cut bait. I told her I couldn't make my next session and I felt ok and did not want to continue.

For about 2 months after I was bombarded with voicemails and emails with what basically amounted to scare tactics. Telling me I had SO many problems and that I'd NEVER be "cured" if I didn't come back and keep seeing her. I received the last email from her over a year after I stop seeing her. I lost all faith my then. She was basically trying to sound sympathetic while really trying to play on my fears by telling me my problems were bigger and deeper rooted than just having a hard time with some stuff going on at the time... and insisted I'd be a disaster for the rest of my life if I didn't keep seeing her.

This sounds exactly like what your therapist is doing. They KNOW the issues you are facing like the anxiety. So you would think they would be helping you right? But what are they REALLY doing? They are playing on that anxiety to the point you cannot confront them about this, hardly helping your problems are they?

It was a disgrace.


Anyway, long story short. If it's not working, just cancel the next session and don't go back. They try to use these scare tactics to keep your business but you are not obliged to keep going whatsoever if its just not for you.

Did you report this therapist to her accrediting body? If not, then please do. It is unfair on both therapists and clients to have cowboys like this out there.

This is really unacceptable behaviour and would be very much frowned upon and I imagine action taken by either IACP or IAHIP.

When looking for a therapist it is important to ensure that they are accreditated by one of these bodies as anyone can call themselves a therapist but it is much more time consuming and indeed expensive to get accreditation.

Est28

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Did you report this therapist to her accrediting body? If not, then please do. It is unfair on both therapists and clients to have cowboys like this out there.

This is really unacceptable behaviour and would be very much frowned upon and I imagine action taken by either IACP or IAHIP.

When looking for a therapist it is important to ensure that they are accreditated by one of these bodies as anyone can call themselves a therapist but it is much more time consuming and indeed expensive to get accreditation.

Admittedly I didn't do this.

I've probably already stated in other threads I really didn't ever put much faith in this sort of thing, so if my review sounds biased, I won't hide how I felt even beforehand but it just seemed to confirm it to me. Afterall, it's a profession, what would you consider the best therapist in the world? The one who "cures" you in one visit and makes no money, or the one who manages to coax you to come back to them every week, for years and makes a sweet living from it?

The answer really depends on which side the the problem you are on.

I've never actually heard of many people who ever went to a therapist for a few weeks/months and genuinely said they were all set and better for it. Either they give up from despair or keep going for years because the how the OP's therapist kept lulling them into the idea that it would need "just a few more times".

So I didn't consider my experience to be out of the ordinary.