Person I date lying to me?

LegacyUser

Hey there,

I recently started seeing someone and went on a handful of dates with them. Things are going really well and we are in constant communication.

A few days ago he told me that he was going to be heading to Brussels to be with his brother who was recently diagnosed with cancer. No bother there. Of course I understand why he's going and the last minute situation in booking tickets and such.

He was texting me right up until he took off and said that he'd message me as much as he can but with roaming and such he wouldnt be able to. He told me he was about to depart and had to switch his phone off.. Obviously this is all fine and I was grand about the whole thing.

I hadn't heard from him for a good few hours and didn't think much of it - connecting to bus or train and possibly being collected by his bro etc. I decided just to check to see if his flight had landed when I noticed that the flight wasn't on the DAA schedule and wasn't on any of the apps for Dublin Airport... I am now thinking that he's lying to me and I don't know why.

It's early days and I don't want to seem crazy and say it to him but this is really confusing. I texted him asking him how he was etc and he is texting me when he's free. Does this not sound a bit unusual?? I don't want to come across as crazy...but I don't want to be wasting my time with people like that at the same time.

Any advice?

Thanks,
Confused Girl

CrazySka

Any chance he flew into a different airport and got a train??

LegacyUser

Hey,

yeah I thought about that too...

He told me he was flying at 17:00 and there were no flights scheduled for then but maybe that was boarding? I know I'm being a bit intense here... but he said he was about to take off at like 17:30 or so and judging by the schedule he would have had to have been leaving much later to get to Brussels direct.

By the way, he wasn't going to Brussels, I changed the name of the city just in case.

I know I'm being a bit mad here. I just texted him there and asked was he lying to me about where he was going... I know that is INSANE but it was driving me insane. He said that he wasn't lying and that's about it.

I am a big weirdo, apparently.

CaraMay

Charleroi?

endacl

You've only been on a couple of dates. Why would he be bothered lying?

Rubberchikken

Could you back off a little maybe?
It can come across as a bit intense to be that interested in his flight/visit etc.

Go on with your life and when he's back see how thibgs go.

O realise you don't want to be lied to but until you know for sure whether he is or not, it's not worth getting bothered about.

LegacyUser

I know I'm being a bit mad here.. thing was he has changed a few stories since I got to know him which I didn't go into in my op.. Seems like there might be more to him or something. I dunno.

I'm fairly down.

hoodwinked

with all due respect i think you need to back off a lot,

when my husband travels to meet his friends i never check his flights, i know he will text or ring me when he gets the chance.

you said you didn't hear from him for a few hours and that's why you looked it up but this can happen so easily when traveling between travelling, waiting for baggage, bus/train transfers, settling in....etc it wouldn't push me into looking up his flight,

so i can see from his point how this can look a lot like crazy. if he said he is visiting his brother then he is visiting his brother, if you don't believe him or trust him do you mind me asking why are you with him?

LegacyUser

Sorry that I've come across that way... as I said I know I'm being a bit mad.

I have had some serious issues with my parents (particularly my dad) and was literally abandoned as a child twice. I know this has had a major impact on how I engage in realtionships. I'm in counselling so this is something I will explore with her maybe.

iusedtoknow

You really need to work with your councillor on this - it isn't normal.

Whenever I travel for work, my wife has a vague recollection of my comings and goings, and she always has a copy of my plane/train times but never looks at them.

There could be all manner of things going on..delays, no signal.....or he could have just been concentrating on chatting to his brother or finding his way around.

Talk to your councilor about it as soon as you can - they'll be able to help you through this

Tokyo

As mentioned above OP, this is something that you should discuss with your counsellor at your next session.

This person you are seeing - by your words you have "been on a handful of dates" so far, so it's not even reached the relationship stage yet. But you are double checking his travel plans because you haven't heard from him in hours, double checking his flight details through various means, and now texting him to ask if he's lying to you about visiting his brother...

There are a dozen valid reasons why you haven't heard from him yet (one of them now unfortunately, being accused of lying), and what you are doing is quite unhealthy, both for you and for the relationship you hope to have with this person. If I'm to be honest, if I discovered that a person I had dated a handful of times was double checking my movements like this, it would be a huge red flag for me.

Talk to your counsellor, please.

LegacyUser

I know guys.. I definitely have issues and maybe it's not the right time to be getting involved with someone.

Thanks a million to everyone for the comments and I am goign to go to my counsellor in the coming weeks (she's off on holidays at min).

Thanks guys.. Fairly down now

Odaise Gaelach

Did your counsellor give you an alternate contact before she went on holidays? Maybe you could arrange a session with the alternate and talk through these things with them?

EDIT: And, importantly, don't beat yourself up over this. You're not mad, you're not crazy, you're just trying to cope with some very difficult feelings. Anyone who'd been abandoned as a child like you had been would struggle with them too. But you are speaking to a counsellor and trying to overcome them, which is a very brave thing to do.

m'lady

Ok OP you have come across as pretty intense, checking the DAA app etc and you have only seen him a few times, but you did say that the flight didn't show on the app? Very few seem to have commented on that part. I'm not necessarily saying that there was no flight but maybe there wasn't and you've had a lucky escape?

iusedtoknow

m'lady wrote: »

Ok OP you have come across as pretty intense, checking the DAA app etc and you have only seen him a few times, but you did say that the flight didn't show on the app? Very few seem to have commented on that part. I'm not necessarily saying that there was no flight but maybe there wasn't and you've had a lucky escape?

"Brother has cancer and I'm off to Belgium" is a pretty out there excuse for someone who has only been on a few dates with you....I would hold that for at least 3 months in...

...Or...

The app could also be wrong.

While you're right, that there could be something else going on - that is not what the issue is at the moment, it is the OP that hasn't heard from someone she is at the moment casually dating in a few hours and is dealing with abandonment issues with a counsellor.

The advise so far is all good...keep on working with the counsellor, and hope that everything is good with the guy she's dating.

kylith

OP, it could be as simple as the airline not flying direct to that city, like the way with Ryanair that if you're going to somewhere in Spain you may have to fly to Malaga and then have a 2 hour bus journey.

Unfortunately I'd think that texting and asking if he's lying after you've essentially stalked his flight arrangements when you've only been on a few dates may mean that you've been put in the 'more trouble than is worth' column and you won't hear from him again.

Stavro Mueller

ConfusedGirlop wrote: »

I know I'm being a bit mad here.. thing was he has changed a few stories since I got to know him which I didn't go into in my op.. Seems like there might be more to him or something. I dunno.

I'm fairly down.

You know, if you're right about this then it might be for the best that this seems to have ended. Even if you are on the hyper-sensitive side because of your issues. Anyway, I hope the counselling works for you. If there's no trust in a relationship, you really are better off single. It just eats away at you and does you no good.

CaraMay

ConfusedGirlop wrote: »

Sorry that I've come across that way... as I said I know I'm being a bit mad.

I have had some serious issues with my parents (particularly my dad) and was literally abandoned as a child twice. I know this has had a major impact on how I engage in realtionships. I'm in counselling so this is something I will explore with her maybe.

Op you are an adult and can't blame anyone else for your behaviour. If you have issues like this then you need to stay out of relationships til you can handle yourself well. That poor guy. He is going to visit his sick brother and he has you calling him a liar for no reason. Time to wise up op.

Beaner1

As much as I think you're being a bit crazy checking up on him like that, I do believe that he is lying about his travels.

Taltos

CaraMay and others, please tone it down a bit. Bear in mind the OP has come here for some constructive advice and while well intentioned sometimes care needs to be taken in how we pass the message across, especially in light of the OP's background.

Remember keep it civil and constructive or please don't post, otherwise the Mods will need to step in. While some people might be able to take to the point advice, others may not - please bear this in mind going forwards

Thanks
Taltos

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Greenduck

Hi OP,

I am not condoning what you have done but I can sympathise with you a bit. In the past I have acted totally out of character and done something I have regretted eventually in teh early days of a relationship. Theres so much anxiety, nerves and excitement that it's easy to get carried away. Its also easy to be a keyboard warrior and condemn you for what you have done however i think you have realised your error already.

I would maybe move on with your life and put this down as a learning exercise. Don't beat yourself up and maybe an apology might not go amiss.

MagicMarker

OP, while I agree with everyone else in that you're being a bit too intense here. It does seem like he may be lying to you, for whatever reason. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Magicmatilda

I think people are being harsh on OP

Why did you check the app - is that behavour you would normally partake in so early into a relationship? Or was it some gut inctinct that prompted it.

I have used the DAA app to check flights before, generally family members and once a boyfriend, to see if the landed. I am a very nervous flyer and get a bit nervous when those close to me fly, not a massive thing. When I checked my boyfriends it was very bad weather, snow etc and I wanted to check he landed OK. Anyway my point is it has never been wrong. So it would appear he lied about the flight. Unless of course he was flying to Bratislava to go to Vienna or something like that which is possible.

If however this is behaviour you would generally partake of then you are dead right to look at it in counselling and try and work through it. It would appear that you have security issues given that you were woriied after a few hours no contact but maybe that was just that he was flying.

h2005

To be honest I'd be done if I was getting texts after a few dates asking if I was lying.

Oink

ConfusedGirlop wrote: »

he has changed a few stories since I got to know him

While I agree you might need to back off a bit (I dont know), I dont see any good reason why well-balanced and honest people would need to "change their story" on a regular basis. Not a good sign.

Ps. Its probably best to deal with these things in person rather than by text...

Saipanne

ConfusedGirlop wrote: »

I know guys.. I definitely have issues and maybe it's not the right time to be getting involved with someone.

Thanks a million to everyone for the comments and I am goign to go to my counsellor in the coming weeks (she's off on holidays at min).

Thanks guys.. Fairly down now

If things don't work out with this guy, it might be best to take some me time, and work with your counsellor to build your self esteem and work on your issues, before looking for romance again. Just work on you, for now.

castaway_lady

OP get some perspective here. If he told any lie that involved cancer then you are well well rid. Who would want to be with someone who does that?

Secondly, ok you have issues left over from childhood but you could be overestimating the effect of that here and failing to recognise the fact that as chicks doing the dating thing, we sometimes do slightly crazy things like stalk a flight (chalk it up to hormones )! Even Carrie Bradshaw did stuff like this! But end result is that its the end of the line with this one and probably best for you.