Anxiety about College.. please help me

lolalaughsalot

I just started college in TCD about 4 weeks ago. I really don't know where to start. I worked so hard for my leaving, got the best points i could have hoped for and my first choice too. I was excited and scared about going to college as I'm sure most people are.. I had never actually taken the time out of my studies to think about what college would be like, going out, lectures, friends etc. I think i kind of expected everything to fall into place, that id love the place and never ever get homesick..

i was so so wrong. Im not the shy type, I introduced myself to loads of new people and now have a group of friends that i spend lectures with, walk to college with, have lunch with etc. We plan to do things together at least once a week which is really nice. The only thing is as with most colleges, social nights tend to revolve around drink and going out. I don't know whats wrong with me.. I loved going out at home with my old friends and we always had a good time, but now I get so tired and so anxious about going out with these new people.. I don't want people to think I'm not fun because i do think I'm a nice person to be around

Some of my old friends are in college in Dublin too and i love seeing them, but get so upset when i have to leave them to go back to my new life. My boyfriend of almost 4 years is also in dublin and we see each other once a week. i could see him everyday if i wanted but i don't want to be dubbed the girl who always spends time with her boyfriend. And when i do see him i just dread him leaving because it makes me so upset.

I have about 30 hours, which is crazy hard and i get so so homesick. The only thing i look forward to now is going home at the weekend and when I'm home i just worry about going back. I almost can't handle mondays and tuesdays because the days are so long and i miss home so much. I haven't studied a thing yet and am either too upset or tired to concentrate in my lectures, my tutorials get worse and worse each week and it makes me even more upset.

Being social is not my problem, i have joined lots of societies and clubs and have made friends at them. its the pressure of maintaining friends and missing my old ones, and my mam and dad that really makes me sad. I end up crying all the time and feel like i have gotten myself stuck in a hole that seems so hard to get out of. I have a constant feeling of panic that i can't shake off.

Really i want to enjoy college and make lots of friends, but deep down i want my old life back and my old friends and to be back in school where i felt confident and on top of everything..

What do i do? I'm sorry this is so long and depressing, and thank you to anyone who has read this far. i just need to know what to do and if anyone else has felt as bad as i do

Stavro Mueller

I'm a long time out of college at this stage yet still when it gets to this time of year and the weather turns wintry, I start to look back at my first few weeks of college. I found it very hard at the start and my poor mum was at the end of some tearful phonecalls. Nothing in life prepares you for the shock to the system that starting college can be. In my first few weeks I'd have given anything to be back at school and my familiar old life. I lived for the weekends when I could go home and my heart would start to sink on Sunday nights as the bus got nearer to its destination.

You're not the only person who doesn't stop to think about what college life is like. Especially in the larger colleges like TCD where you could easily slip through the cracks. It is a massive change in your life and it'd make sense that you're floundering and feel out of your depth.

I see the're a student counselling service where you are and I'd strongly recommend you get in touch with them https://www.tcd.ie/Student_Counselling/ I know for some people there's a stigma attached to going for counselling but I think it'd do you a lot of good. They're well used to dealing with people like you who are having a hard time adjusting to college life. You're clearly very stressed and putting pressure on yourself from all sides. What's not helping is that job of yours. 30 hours a week is a lot and in the long term you may need to give that up.

LegacyUser

The thing that stands out most about your post is that you purposely limit the time spent with your boyfriend to once a week because you don't want to be perceived as spending too much time with him.

Firstly, there isn't one person in the universe who would think that meeting your bf more than once a week is too much. Secondly, even if they did (which they don't), if spending time with your bf makes you happy and you're not cutting off your friends to do it, then spend as much time with your bf as you like.

You're worrying far too much about whether people think you're fun, or whether they think you spend too much time with your bf. The truth is, most people in college don't think about you that often and don't notice these things. You're acting like you're being monitored and judged constantly. You need to address this.

Rubberchikken

from your post i get a person who is trying hard to fit in, make new friends,do college work and the most important one is being ignored. you.

it's great that your out with your friends, but if a bit more time spent with your boyfriend and old friends made you happier and relaxed, wouldnn't that be better?
i'm sure your new friends wouldn't mind, and when your happier and more relaxed you'll find things a bit easier.

homesickness is awful, but it does pass. talk to a counsellor in your college. it's a great way to offload any worries or niggles you may have.

also talk to the course head. that's a major part of their job to keep abreast of what their students are doing, and they won't mind you discussing your worries about coursework with them.

take care

Stavro Mueller

Rubberchikken wrote: »

it's great that your out with your friends, but if a bit more time spent with your boyfriend and old friends made you happier and relaxed, wouldn't that be better?
i'm sure your new friends wouldn't mind, and when your happier and more relaxed you'll find things a bit easier.

This is a very good point. As long as you don't neglect your new friends, I don't see the harm in this at all. You sound very sensible so I don't think you would do that anyway What you will find as time goes on is that you will become less anxious and happier to spend time with your new friends. You're not going to be best buddies yet with people you only met a few weeks ago.

Also, don't be afraid to ask for help if you're finding it hard in classes/tutorials. What would concern me is that you're already starting to fall behind. That needs to be sorted asap. The more you fall behind, the more stressed you're becoming and the harder those Mondays and Tuesdays are becoming. I think it's a good sign that you've taken the time to start this thread and ask for help.

LegacyUser

You sound exactly like me when I started in TCD 2 years ago. I started there only knowing 2 people who I didn't get on very well with and found it difficult to settle in. I'm in a large course so it was hard to get to know people properly and I didn't have a proper group of friends for a long time. It's good that you've settled in with a group already!

Like you, I'm not very interested in drinking and going out. I enjoy a night in the pub but nights out to clubs are not my thing at all. Have you said it to your friends that it's just not your thing? I'm sure they'd be understanding and willing to go out to the cinema or something instead of drinking. Or if it's a case that you just don't feel up to going out in the evening at all, there's no shame in that either. I was also in a course with a lot of hours and it's extremely tiring.

It's also good that you've joined some societies. Don't feel pressured to go to everything though - you probably joined loads in fresher's week with great intentions, but people tend to settle into one or two clubs/societies that they really like and make good friends at. Society events can also be good alternatives to going out.

There's lots of support available in Trinity for you to avail of. You should have been assigned peer mentors at the start of the year - get in touch with them and let them know how you're feeling. They're there to help you and they'll have done the same course you're doing so can give you practical advice. As another poster has mentioned I found the counselling service brilliant. This coming week is mental health week so there should be loads of information floating around about the different services in college that are there to help you

lolalaughsalot

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I'm a long time out of college at this stage yet still when it gets to this time of year and the weather turns wintry, I start to look back at my first few weeks of college. I found it very hard at the start and my poor mum was at the end of some tearful phonecalls. Nothing in life prepares you for the shock to the system that starting college can be. In my first few weeks I'd have given anything to be back at school and my familiar old life. I lived for the weekends when I could go home and my heart would start to sink on Sunday nights as the bus got nearer to its destination.

You're not the only person who doesn't stop to think about what college life is like. Especially in the larger colleges like TCD where you could easily slip through the cracks. It is a massive change in your life and it'd make sense that you're floundering and feel out of your depth.

I see the're a student counselling service where you are and I'd strongly recommend you get in touch with them I know for some people there's a stigma attached to going for counselling but I think it'd do you a lot of good. They're well used to dealing with people like you who are having a hard time adjusting to college life. You're clearly very stressed and putting pressure on yourself from all sides. What's not helping is that job of yours. 30 hours a week is a lot and in the long term you may need to give that up.

Thanks so much for the reply, did the feeling pass for you? or was it always there in the back of your mind? Im glad to know I'm not the only one.. I have thought about the counselling service so i should probably head along and find someone to talk to. Its not actually a job that is 30 hours a week, thats how many hours of lectures and tutorials i have. Again thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

lolalaughsalot

LLMMLL wrote: »

The thing that stands out most about your post is that you purposely limit the time spent with your boyfriend to once a week because you don't want to be perceived as spending too much time with him.

Firstly, there isn't one person in the universe who would think that meeting your bf more than once a week is too much. Secondly, even if they did (which they don't), if spending time with your bf makes you happy and you're not cutting off your friends to do it, then spend as much time with your bf as you like.

You're worrying far too much about whether people think you're fun, or whether they think you spend too much time with your bf. The truth is, most people in college don't think about you that often and don't notice these things. You're acting like you're being monitored and judged constantly. You need to address this.

Other people have told me this too, i just can't help but think that no one will want to be my "best friend" if they think i won't be around to spend time with them if I'm spending time with my boyfriend.. I know i worry too much about what others think.. my mam tells me to do what makes me happy but i just don't know how to avoid that feeling of being judged. Also when I spend time with my boyfriend I feel like my group of friends are probably doing something and I'm missing out, even though Id rather spend time with my boyfriend. Thank you for replying the help means a lot.

lolalaughsalot

Rubberchikken wrote: »

from your post i get a person who is trying hard to fit in, make new friends,do college work and the most important one is being ignored. you.

it's great that your out with your friends, but if a bit more time spent with your boyfriend and old friends made you happier and relaxed, wouldnn't that be better?
i'm sure your new friends wouldn't mind, and when your happier and more relaxed you'll find things a bit easier.

homesickness is awful, but it does pass. talk to a counsellor in your college. it's a great way to offload any worries or niggles you may have.

also talk to the course head. that's a major part of their job to keep abreast of what their students are doing, and they won't mind you discussing your worries about coursework with them.

take care

I understand what you are saying and deep down i know you're right.. I should spend a little more time with them I just feel i punish myself for not putting all of my time into my new friends.

Im relieved to hear it passed. And i will do my best to talk to a counsellor. Thank you.

lolalaughsalot

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

This is a very good point. As long as you don't neglect your new friends, I don't see the harm in this at all. You sound very sensible so I don't think you would do that anyway What you will find as time goes on is that you will become less anxious and happier to spend time with your new friends. You're not going to be best buddies yet with people you only met a few weeks ago.

Also, don't be afraid to ask for help if you're finding it hard in classes/tutorials. What would concern me is that you're already starting to fall behind. That needs to be sorted asap. The more you fall behind, the more stressed you're becoming and the harder those Mondays and Tuesdays are becoming. I think it's a good sign that you've taken the time to start this thread and ask for help.

Thanks for replying, I do go to supplementary help classes already but find they don't help so much.. maybe things will fall into place soon when i get over the unfamiliarity of everything.

lolalaughsalot

sameexperience wrote: »

You sound exactly like me when I started in TCD 2 years ago. I started there only knowing 2 people who I didn't get on very well with and found it difficult to settle in. I'm in a large course so it was hard to get to know people properly and I didn't have a proper group of friends for a long time. It's good that you've settled in with a group already!

Like you, I'm not very interested in drinking and going out. I enjoy a night in the pub but nights out to clubs are not my thing at all. Have you said it to your friends that it's just not your thing? I'm sure they'd be understanding and willing to go out to the cinema or something instead of drinking. Or if it's a case that you just don't feel up to going out in the evening at all, there's no shame in that either. I was also in a course with a lot of hours and it's extremely tiring.

It's also good that you've joined some societies. Don't feel pressured to go to everything though - you probably joined loads in fresher's week with great intentions, but people tend to settle into one or two clubs/societies that they really like and make good friends at. Society events can also be good alternatives to going out.

There's lots of support available in Trinity for you to avail of. You should have been assigned peer mentors at the start of the year - get in touch with them and let them know how you're feeling. They're there to help you and they'll have done the same course you're doing so can give you practical advice. As another poster has mentioned I found the counselling service brilliant. This coming week is mental health week so there should be loads of information floating around about the different services in college that are there to help you

It helps to know that Im not the only one who was ever in this situation..

Iv sort of said to my new friends that i don't like being up too late or going to pubs that much. They didn't really seem to understand but didn't condemn me for it either. Im just scared that if i don't do things that they will stop asking me along. Lots have people have said what you said and that its okay to say you want to stay at home, but all my friends are in my course so excuses like i have an early start tomorrow or an assignment to do don't work because chances are they have an early start or assignment too. Did you find other people who were like you too? I just can't understand why people want to go to the Pav and drink after an 8 hour long day when all I want to do is chill at home.. Should i push myself out of my comfort zone and go to these things or do what i want and go home? Im really scared of feeling left out.

LegacyUser

lolalaughsalot wrote: »

It helps to know that Im not the only one who was ever in this situation..

Iv sort of said to my new friends that i don't like being up too late or going to pubs that much. They didn't really seem to understand but didn't condemn me for it either. Im just scared that if i don't do things that they will stop asking me along. Lots have people have said what you said and that its okay to say you want to stay at home, but all my friends are in my course so excuses like i have an early start tomorrow or an assignment to do don't work because chances are they have an early start or assignment too. Did you find other people who were like you too? I just can't understand why people want to go to the Pav and drink after an 8 hour long day when all I want to do is chill at home.. Should i push myself out of my comfort zone and go to these things or do what i want and go home? Im really scared of feeling left out.

I understand where you're coming from completely. Honestly, if you don't feel up for going out then I just wouldn't. It sounds like you're exhausted enough as it is and staying out drinking isn't going to help at all. If you feel pressured or like your friends will stop asking you along if you don't go, then they're not really your friends at all. I get what you mean about people having the same classes and assignments, but not everyone is going to take things as seriously. From my experience a lot of people would go out and then miss their morning lectures.

When it comes to whether or not to push yourself the only one who can answer that is you. Maybe go along to one thing (drinks in the Pav or something as opposed to a night out in Coppers) and see how you feel? If you're not into it then at least you'll know.

Stavro Mueller

lolalaughsalot wrote: »

Thanks so much for the reply, did the feeling pass for you? or was it always there in the back of your mind? Im glad to know I'm not the only one.. I have thought about the counselling service so i should probably head along and find someone to talk to. Its not actually a job that is 30 hours a week, thats how many hours of lectures and tutorials i have. Again thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

Yes, once I found my feet I was fine. I really can't remember now how long it took me to settle but I was definitely ok well before Christmas. I found that once things became routine, I no longer felt out of my depth.

Stavro Mueller

lolalaughsalot wrote: »

It helps to know that Im not the only one who was ever in this situation..

Iv sort of said to my new friends that i don't like being up too late or going to pubs that much. They didn't really seem to understand but didn't condemn me for it either. Im just scared that if i don't do things that they will stop asking me along. Lots have people have said what you said and that its okay to say you want to stay at home, but all my friends are in my course so excuses like i have an early start tomorrow or an assignment to do don't work because chances are they have an early start or assignment too. Did you find other people who were like you too? I just can't understand why people want to go to the Pav and drink after an 8 hour long day when all I want to do is chill at home.. Should i push myself out of my comfort zone and go to these things or do what i want and go home? Im really scared of feeling left out.

I've never been much into nightclubs/drinking all night either but it didn't lead to my losing any friends as far as I noticed. As has been mentioned already, if they ditch you just because you're not coming out on the town with them, they're not real friends. Do you socialise with them much during the day?

What you could do is go out occasionally with them or come out for part of the night and leave early. It's not going to ruin their night whether you're there with them or not. If you're straight with them and say that you'll not be able to get up in the morning if you're out til late, they'll appreciate you not dicking them around.

Seeing as you're so stressed and are falling behind, easing back on those late nights for now wouldn't be a bad thing. I think getting up to speed with your course should be your priority for now. As time goes on you'll make more friends on your course anyway.