Please critique my 1 page story!! (Some tasteful nudity involved if that helps!)

SClubParty

“What's with the sudden shyness?”

I was trying to dress with my back to her, standing in just my skirt and wondering about how to get the rest of my clothes on as quickly as possible. The living room was almost completly dark: small hollows illumated by the blinking standby features of various electronics, the digital clock of the tv box reading 4am.

My left arm was covering my chest as I bent down to retrieve my top from the floor with my right: rising I felt her standing behind me, not touching but close.

Now that I'd removed myself from the couch where I had been lying beside her, now that I'd looked away the prospect of looking back was unthinkable, the thought of eye contact unbearable. So I just stood there with my back to her, cheeks burning in the darkness.

From somewhere in my heart, a tugging sensation, something between despair and desire. Shame.

Standing very close behind me she placed her hands on my hips, rested lips on shoulder blade. Still I couldn't bring myself to turn around. There was nothing to be done therefore but to stand helplessly and try to focus on what lay straight ahead, on anything other than where I was, who I was with and what I had just done.


In this frozen state, I could hardly believe that hours earlier we had been two old college friends catching up in a bar....drinking wine and sticking safetly to those topics of conversation which emphasised how similar we remained, rather than how how different we'd become. Families, celebrities, inevitable diet talk... our boyfriends. Open enough but still careful to conceal from each other the gently or not-so-gently accumulated disappointments of our 20's.

“Hmmmm?,” she asked again, “why the sudden shyness?”

I concentrated on the cracks of streetlight through the curtains, on the last vibration of my phone as the battery finally died, on the photos on the mantle where you could almost see faces. I stood there in the dim margains between night and day, in that strage uneasy place between drunk and sober, and I didn't know, honestly, if I felt good or bad, high or low, changed or unchanged completely.

Random thoughts struggled to make impressions.

Anything but turn around.

I couldn't tell then if it was me that leaned backward or her that leaned forward but suddenly of these competing impressions the only impression I had was of skin touching skin in darkness, and everthing else became background.

The fraction by fraction inching forward and upwards of her fingertips, the milimetre by milimetre movement of her lips as they claimed further territory – in high definition and in slow motion, all impression was reduced to this.

I turned around.

secman

Very creative, I could see the room and feel the chemistry in it.

arubap

Very descriptive. It flows nicely and I almost forgot I was reading. That's what good writing does.

Das Kitty

That's fantastic.

What are your plans for it? Is it complete?

SClubParty

Thanks very much for the feedback so far... and for anyone who took the time to read....Welcome any discussion on what could be better too.

Will it be a standalone or longer piece? I'm not sure sure yet - suffice it to say that the situation is "ongoing"....

Very enjoyable to write though, makes me want to do more of it

Ficheall

The ladies aren't going to start swelling up and start sprouting yellow hair, are they?

If not, it looks like it works well either on its own or as an intro to something bigger.

Oryx

I loved it. Captures the mood beautifully. I want to know who they are and what happens afterwards.