Trying to help my brother - am I though?

LegacyUser

Long time member but going anon for this one so please bear with me. I'm not sure if this is even the right forum for this.

So my story is that I got a message from my brother a couple of days ago. He had tried to commit suicide the night before and was now in the psychiatric unit of the hospital - where he still is. I went in to see him, he tells me he did not really want to die but that his head is all messed up.
A bit of his back story is that he is in his late 40's, has been divorced for a number of years, has 4 children - late teens, early 20's. During and since his marriage he has lurched from one disastrous relationship to another, he accepts this.
what he does not accept is that his alcohol consumption has been the one constant contributor to most of the troubles he has had in his life since his teens. He did a residential treatment unit almost 20 years ago, stayed 'dry' (as opposed to sober) for a couple of years and has tried, unsuccessfully in my opinion, to control his drinking ever since. During this time he has managed to hold on to and get promoted up in a pretty good job in one of the larger tech companies - so when he is good he is very good, its just these crashes that seem to get worse each time. I'm afraid that next time he will succeed in what he tried this time. His kids are at their wits end, 2 of them don't want anything to do with him at this stage while the 2 younger ones are torn between cutting him loose and trying to support him. I have a pretty good relationship with them and they know they can talk to me about stuff. I should add that I am also an alcoholic in recovery for 14 years.
I have talked to my brother about going to treatment again but he is very reluctant to admit or accept the part that drinking plays in his life - he also uses drugs but I believe him when he says that this usually only happens when he is drinking. He is in such a dark place at the moment and is obsessing about his most recent (broken) relationship and sees his ex as the root of all of his problems and says if he could get her out of his head he will be fine.
I believe that he will never be ok unless he tackles his alcoholism but don't want to push him away either.
My biggest fear for now is that he will be discharged from this unit before the weekend and go home to his (empty) house and this will be no good for him. I have told him he is welcome to come stay with me - I work nights so am not home much anyway but at least it is warm and there is food in the fridge. he knows a condition of this is that there would be no drinking so I doubt he will take me up on his offer.
Anyway, I feel like I am spinning in circles so apologies for the rambling post - if anyone has any suggestions I will be glad to take them on board.
Thanks

Taltos

I'm sorry OP but considering you are also in recovery I am not sure having him in your home is a good idea for you.
It's going to open so many wounds that this alone will be a massive strain on you, but what happens when (not if) he breaks your rules about alcohol or drugs. It's a given he is going to as clearly he is not ready to stop.

I can say he's not ready to stop because as you yourself pointed out he is still blaming his ex. Until he takes ownership and that means all of it - he won't be ready to start down the road to recovery. Instead is there no-one you can talk to around keeping him in longer? Or convincing him to sign himself in for his own protection?

ABajaninCork

Does your brother have a mental health social worker? (He should have). I'd be speaking to them first. I'd also speak to his doctors and find out what the care plan is for his aftercare.

As he's in hospital, there's nothing you can do for now. He's being looked after, and will have the appropriate care. It's when he gets out, that the support needs to kick in.

I agree with Taltos. It's really not a good idea to have your brother stay with you, as you're also in recovery. When he's released, his nurses and social worker should be visiting on a regular basis to ensure he takes his meds and is looking after himself. They should also arrange counselling, and AA meetings if necessary.

All you can do for now is be a listening ear for him. Nothing else.

LegacyUser

I don't think mental health worker has been assigned yet, hoping to get in there early tomorrow and see if I can meet with someone about a plan to move forward.
I'm not concerned for myself in any way if he comes to stay with me, I have a pretty good support network of friends also in recovery - have needed to build this as the only non-drinker in a large family of drinkers.

LegacyUser

Ok, so the update is that my brother is being discharged tomorrow. I called this morning and he was already in with having his clinical assessment?? Was advised to come back later, when I did he was back on the unit. Even though he has me as his next of kin and also signed a declaration that he wanted family involvement, I could not get anyone to discuss his case with me.
He has been given a treatment plan to move forward liaising with local mental health and counselling services, unfortunately the plan does not involve a further residential treatment for the booze!! He will be prescribed an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic, referred to mental health day unit and for counselling. In my opinion, he has not been offered enough, and although I realise that HSE resources are very limited and this is probably the best they can offer considering our lad not willing to accept the fact that his drinking is such a huge contributor to his life troubles - I asked him if they had said anything about his drinking/drugging specifically – his reply is …… sure I can’t be drinking while I’m on the meds anyway. He clings on to the hope that he will drink normally in the future. I know from my own past drinking experience that I can do no more and anything else has to be his own decision.
I told him he has my/our support while he is doing the right thing but that if or when he drinks again that there will be no place in my life for him anymore. It makes me very sad to think it might come to this and I hope it doesn’t…….

Rubberchikken

Don't look too far into the future at the moment.
In situations like this i think it's time fir baby steps.


You're doing a great thing supporting him.
I hope the system the HSE has in place helps him tp deal with these issues.

Good luck

Magicmatilda

I would strongly suggest that you attend an Al anon meeting. You are in recovery so you muct know that there is nothing you can do to control him or his drinking.

You are not responsible, you didn;t cause it, you can't control it.

If he doesn try again and succeed, then you will NOT be to blame.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your feedback.

I understand your points and realise that what I am doing may verge on co-dependent behaviour.

My brother is going to come and stay at my place over the next few days so that his "kids" can come visit him there. I have told him I will support him for now by allowing him to do this, I'm working nights for the weekend so will be around very little anyway. I have also told him that I will NOT give him any financial assistance - there's food in the fridge and oil in the tank so as far as I'm concerned his immediate needs are being met. He is well aware that I consider his drinking to be his no.1 problem and that I will have no place in my life for him once he picks up his next drink. He is also well aware that it will not be the first time I have carried through on this with a family member.

I'm probably fooling myself but hoping that the gun might be put to his head from elsewhere regarding his drinking - maybe HR at the company where he works, his relationship with his line manager is under pressure as a result of his recent escapades (not just last weekend) and I feel she will refer him to HR before he will be certified fit to be back. They are aware of his past treatment as he was with the same company then also. He is quite proud of his progression within the company and his job is the one thing he says he will do anything to hold on to. I am disappointed that further alcohol treatment was not suggested by the psych unit.

Anyhoo....lets see, thanks again

marialouise

Just my two cents is that alcohol cannot be treated alone, it needs to be treated with the depression (you say he has been prescribed antidepressants). Some residential addiction centres focus too much on the alcohol side of things, to the detriment of the patient's recovery, whereas the causes of the addiction (the personal issues with the ex or whatever) need to be explored and appropriate medication administered. St Pat's in Dublin have helped a few people I know, with a month long stay they can be properly assessed and treated by psychiatrists and deal with the real roots of problems and for many people I know who were in and out of various programmes, this was the last one they ever had to do
I wish both of you good luck, it's such a difficult place for all of you right now, he is lucky to have you.

LegacyUser

Thanks marialouise.

I do understand your point, however, I remain pretty convinced that alcohol is my brothers main problem - having known him for over 40 years as opposed to the docs who have had 2 very quick assessments with him.

I am aware that the main focus for many treatment centres is to help clients with their addidction. In my own experience, this was done with a combination of counselling and other therapies so I thinks its unfair to say they don't treat the underlying issues. In my own case my life was spent lurching from one crisis to another until I stopped drinking/using and learned to deal with real life. I have also in my time in recovery met many people who genuinely suffer from a form of depression but it is nigh on impossible to manage this until the use of substances is removed from the equation.
Unfortunately, I have also met many people who have done the rounds of all kinds of medical doctors, head doctors, therapists etc. trying to find any other reason apart from addiction to explain the troubles in their life. Sadly, I have been to many funerals of those who have not been able to get acceptance of the condition/disease.

Please don't take this as a criticism of your suggestions as it is not meant to be.

marialouise

Aw I don't take it as a criticism at all, you made loads of valid points. It is impossible to do anything as you say until the substances are removed, so I was only giving my experience of a case where substance wasn't necessarily the biggest problem. Of course everyone is different, otherwise there'd be one magic quick fix for this awful disease. Alcohol is a depressant so it's such a vicious circle, I hope ye find a solution.