How to deal with incredible amounts of guilt tripping?

LegacyUser

Hi, I stopped talking to my da about 7 months ago. My parent's have been divorced for 16 years, I used to visit/talk to my dad until recently. We didn't have a falling out, I just personally came to the realisation that the relationship was toxic and that he was not a good person to be around in extended periods, so I decided to stop talking with him and going to see him.

Long story short, he is a typical toxic parent ; none of the other siblings talk to him, so I felt an overwhelming obligation over the years, as a child (and of course I didn't know any better), to have a relationship with him as I felt bad. Being the person he is, he of course played on this and messed with my head for years. He's extremely sociopathic, passive aggressive, manipulative, anti-social, nagging, and plays constant mind games. Everything is conditional with him, i.e, in order to even get any shred of humanity or love/care from him, you need to bend over backwards for him. He fails to comprehend how a normal healthy relationship with another human being operates and functions. It came to a point where he would constantly nag me about unimportant things, try to brainwash me and get me to do things for him, I can't recall any moment we had a normal conversation, really.

When I stopped talking to him, he didn't seem to care. He then proceeded to move onto victimising my younger sister (aged 18) after I stopped going to see him. He didn't seem upset, or to care at all. She would constantly be in bad moods whenever she came back from seeing him. She didn't want to admit it but I could see he had just thrown me aside and moved onto digging his claws into the next unfortunate victim who would let him, ie, my sister. This sickens me as this is not an example of a healthy relationship with another human being, it sickens me how someone can do this let alone to their own children!

Bringing me to this post, I have finally gotten over the guilt that I felt when I stopped talking to him. I read some books about toxic parents and how the guilt that manifests in the victim is all in the victim's head, and is exactly how the toxic parent wants you to feel. I eventually got over him and started thinking for myself and finally saw how messed up and crazy the situation was. I used to get extremely anxious and guilty about the smallest things. For example, if I didn't go to see him for a few days, he would ring or text and guilt trip me as to where I was, and why I wasn't with him, running errands for him. I would somehow make myself feel guilty and end up feeling bad whenever I was out having fun

Today, my uncle (his brother) died after a long battle with cancer. My da is obviously broken up about it, and I feel like he is just using this as a guise to try and claw back ground that he has lost with us (his kids). He is obviously hurting, but he is beginning to guilt trip me and my siblings with sob stories about how he's changed (which I've heard 1000 times through the years), and how his brothers death has made him "realise" how bad he has been etc etc. I've heard it all before and know that as soon as the mourning phase is over for my dad, he will go back to being his usual self, just using the situation (my uncles death) to his advantage. This goes to show how sick he is as a person

I kind of feel bad for my dad but more so for the rest of my uncles/aunts. I cannot bring myself to feel too sorry for him as I know it will end up with me being used again by him. I guess all I am saying is that it's really hard because I feel as if I have a moral obligation to support my father in a hard time but I really don't think I want to, nor does he deserve it. He is really guilt tripping me about how upset he is and how he wants to see me, but I am trying my best not to give in because I know it's not genuine.

marizpan

It is clear that you are using so much energy in this guilt/mind games which could be better spent on positives things. I'm sure you feel tired/drained all the time and barely can think clearly and view the situation from a distance.

You said that you have cut him off from your life, but you clearly have not.
You have difficulty setting boundaries and have tendencies to people please. This is your weakness: desire to please & guilt.

You have a choice to include him in your life or not.
If you would like him to remain in your life, set clear boundaries with him and never let him cross them.

If you wish to cut him from your life, then do that. No contact, no second hand contact through sibling etc. Remove him from your conversations, your head and your life.
Best of luck

Dutchess

I can relate to you. I have a minimal relationship with my mother, one I more maintain because it would upset my sister and father (even though my parents finally divorced this year) if there was no contact. She is an alcoholic and has personality disorder issues. Just like you, if I had a euro for each time I heard that this was the last time and there will be no more issues and she has turned the corner, I could finally go on holiday to New-Zealand.

The relationship has always, been coloured by guilt tripping and also a pattern her feeling entitled to being in touch with me because having given birth to me gives her rights somehow. It is difficult to deal with because who knows where an illness ends and just being nasty begins? I have not been able to bring myself to write it all off to 'she can't help it'. And I'm sure you are the same.

One rule I made is that I will not allow her to visit me here in Ireland. When I am in the Netherlands I will meet up with her if I can. Several times she has asked me if she could come over and rejecting that every time is hard. It has been made harder by the fact that she now has an incurable cancer and we do not know how long she will live.

However, this to me does not undo the pain she has caused me and the issues that I have courtesy of that. Sometimes I think not having any contact would be better as the contact we do have is kind of awkward for me as I know she wants so much more than I am willing to give.

Remember you owe your dad nothing no matter who dies and what happens. You have a right to be happy and live life in the way you want. He has clearly had his chances with you. If you are done, you are done.

Rubberchikken

You can give him one more chance to see uf he's reformed or you can go with your gut feeling and focus in your life.

He's an adult. If he wants to behave in this way, that's his loss.

I can only imagine how hard it has to be to turn away from your own father, but people choose how they want to behave. I'm sure no one forced him.

Good luck with your decision

Nekarsulm

Go to your Uncles funeral, sympathise with the family. Go home and get on with the everyday things that need doing. That's it, really. Your own sanity is more important.

themissymoo

All I can say is, actions speak louder than words. Give him the chance to prove that he's changed. If he goes back to his old ways - whether it's in two days or two years - that's it. His last chance has been struck.

Sorry for the loss of your uncle, OP.

McChubbin

OP, I really feel for you.
I had the same problems as you with my own father- he was a verbally abusive alcoholic for most of my life and never took responsibility for his actions. Whilst he is (allegedly) sober these days, he is an extremely difficult man to deal with as he is still emotionally abusive, passive-aggressive and deeply pessimistic.
For years I struggled with feelings of abandonment and rejection from him as he left the family when I was 2 to go on a drinking spree in Europe, periodicly trying to claw his way into my life over the years by attempting to buy my affections with toys and whatnot.
When I was 16, after years of feeling like I was responsible for him being distant and cold, I found myself coming to resent him and the things he was doing to my head- the psychological torture plagued me daily and it was truly stressing me out.
I tried to talk to him about it but he would routinely sweep the many issues we had under the carpet and refuse to address them.
It got to the point were I had enough, screamed blue murder at him during an arguement and ended up not speaking to him for two years.
During this time, he married my stepmother and didn't even invite me- an opportunity that could've easily been an olive branch offering.
Anyways, long story short, I have sporadic contact with him these days.
I haven't spoken to him about 7 or 8 months by now and I find I no longer feel guilty over it as I know I am better off cutting my ties.
Life is far too short to waste on toxic relationships and my advice to you is this:
Go to your uncle's funeral. Give him a few minutes of idle chat for the sake for your uncle's family but afterwards maintain a dignified silence if he attempts in anyway to claw his way back into your life.
People like my father and yours will not change no matter how hard you want them to. I know this from bitter experience and the sooner you let him go and stop him living rent-free inside your head, you will be much better off.
I know it's hard but you need to persevere.
You will feel much better once that weight is lifted.