people can be so insensitive

biancab

Why oh why do people feel the need to give their opinion without being asked for it,
being a new mum is hard enough without being told you shouldn't do this or you shouldn't do that .
what's been said to you that has upset you?

Blingy

biancab wrote: »

Why oh why do people feel the need to give their opinion without being asked for it,
being a new mum is hard enough without being told you shouldn't do this or you shouldn't do that .
what's been said to you that has upset you?

Trust your own instinct and try and ignore the 'advice'. You are the mum!! I know can be easier said than done.

sillysmiles

Also, remember that a lot of times people aren't trying to judge or be insensitive but trying to help. But sometimes we hear judgement in what we are already sensitive about.

Big Bag of Chips

It's just when you have a new baby then that's an easy topic of conversation, and EVERYONE has an opinion! If you are confident in yourself and in your choices you'll take less notice of people. But don't fall into the trap of thinking your way is the only way... I did on my first, and I would have mild panic attacks if someone held/dressed/fed etc my baby differently to how I did it! I soon figured out to calm down.. My way was one way, and it worked for me, but my husband had a different way which worked for him (it wasn't wrong, just not the way I did it!) my mam had her way, and every aul wan I met in the street had their advice /opinion!!

If you are confident that what you are doing is right for you and your family then nod and smile politely at anyone offering their advice. They've forgotten you as soon as they've walked away from you, and you're left thinking and rethinking what they've said to you.

ch750536

I know if I had a new baby things would be very different to #1 & #2. I've learnt so much through mistakes, some of them too late to rectify. We just want you not to have the same mistakes, learn from ours instead.

It's not a judgement, just offering our knowledge. It's your choice (which I respect) if you choose to listen or not.

Pablodreamsofnew

It's gets easier, when your child is a toddler you won't care anymore. It used to annoy me so much, but then I was pretty hormonal after having a baby!

Now, I don't care what people say. Most of the time I don't even have a chance to listen because I'm running after a two year old!

Trust your own instincts. It's your child and you know best. Just keep repeating that to yourself!

Chocolate fiend

Oh a PHN told me that my son HAD to wear a vest, and HAD to eat potatoes. He was about 9 months or so at the time, he is almost 7 now and has never worn a vest and rarely eats potatoes.

indigo twist

I've become an expert at smiling and nodding!

I think in the early months, the thing that would get to me was when people made comments about formula being the inferior choice to breastfeeding. That was more down to my own guilt and insecurities rather than anyone being deliberately nasty though. I don't think it will bother me when I choose to formula feed my next baby.

My own parents are always convinced I don't wrap him up enough, and are appalled that he's been eating finger foods since six months old. Now that he's nine months, they still insist on spoon feeding him purees the odd time they mind him, as they're terrified he'll choke. It's just a different era really, of course I take their advice on board, but I'm happy I've done my own research and I'm happy with the choices I've made. Oh and I've gotten a few horrified reactions from them and others their age about putting him to sleep on his back - "But what if he gets sick in his sleep??" My parents are much happier now that he insists on sleeping on his tummy!

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I think there aren't too many black and white "right" or "wrong" ways of doing things, when it comes to parenting. But I do think that first-time new mothers are emotionally at a very vulnerable time in their lives ... I think its quite normal to question everything you're doing, and it can be upsetting when others start commenting on things too, especially if it's negative comments. It would make me very careful about any well-meaning advice I might give to other new mothers in the future!

Sweet Rose

Some people are so nice and positive, while others are so rude. I'm a single parent and I live on my own with my daughter. I was at a christening on Saturday for my neighbour's baby and my daughter loved playing with all the other wee ones. My neighbour came over and was saying my daughter was loving all the interaction and that's how she's learning to be with people. She said it in such a way as if we never saw daylight before.

Another one is that my daughter has a little strawberry birthmark on her nose. I don't even notice it anymore but that's the first thing some people point out. Not her lovely hair or her lovely eyes or her nice smile. Just pick on the thing that will make her self conscious!

I'm just more sensitive about comments that people make about my child. We're all trying our best at the end of the day, no need for the smarmy comments from some people.

Big Bag of Chips

But that's just the thing, I don't think the majority of people ARE being smarmy. If you brought an only child to a playgroup, and they were interacting with other children would you be offended if someone commented on it.. Probably not, as one reason most of us bring our children to places where other children/people will be is to help them interact with others.

The birth mark on her nose is something different about her. Worthy of comment? Maybe, maybe not. But I think if someone commented on her lovely hair, you'd secretly be annoyed that they are obviously trying very hard to ignore that mark on her nose and not mention it!

I think in general people can't win. Don't comment and we're offended that they're not interested enough in our darling bundles!!! Comment on anything, and they risk (unintentionally) offending us! I'm sure many of us have unintentionally offended people in our time! And we would be mortified if we realised that somebody had taken what we innocently said the wrong way.

Some people are tactless. Some people ARE plain insulting. The majority of people are just making conversation. And I think if we tend to find insult in what people say then that says more about us than them....

Sweet Rose

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But that's just the thing, I don't think the majority of people ARE being smarmy. If you brought an only child to a playgroup, and they were interacting with other children would you be offended if someone commented on it.. Probably not, as one reason most of us bring our children to places where other children/people will be is to help them interact with others.

The birth mark on her nose is something different about her. Worthy of comment? Maybe, maybe not. But I think if someone commented on her lovely hair, you'd secretly be annoyed that they are obviously trying very hard to ignore that mark on her nose and not mention it!

I think in general people can't win. Don't comment and we're offended that they're not interested enough in our darling bundles!!! Comment on anything, and they risk (unintentionally) offending us! I'm sure many of us have unintentionally offended people in our time! And we would be mortified if we realised that somebody had taken what we innocently said the wrong way.

Some people are tactless. Some people ARE plain insulting. The majority of people are just making conversation. And I think if we tend to find insult in what people say then that says more about us than them....

But some people are just insulting and rude. Some people speak before they think and some people just don't think at all.

If someone comes over for a gawk at your child and straight away, they say 'oh what's that mark on her nose' and don't mention anything else about her appearance, then yes I do think that's extremely rude and it says more about them, not me. I obviously love my daughter very much and I don't notice her strawberry birthmark, only when people point it out. My daughter doesn't understand what people say to her now but hopefully they will stop commenting when she understands what they say or she'll be paranoid!

I had the same discussion with a friend of mine. Her son's strawberry birthmark is on the side of his head. She lives in America and I'm glad her wee son can't understand what they said about his mark. Worse than what I've got.

That's why now, I make a point of saying something positive or compliment a child. What a beautiful dress you're wearing, you have a lovely smile, you're so well behaved. Focus on the positives, not the negatives! Especially with children.

Big Bag of Chips

But your child has a mark on her nose! And the day will come when she realises she does. And even though adults might stop commenting on it at that stage, children will start asking her about it. So why not get used to it as part of her? And why see it as a negative? I know its not quite so easy as to say get used to it, but the fact is, it's there. She's going to have to get used to it! And so are you.

My niece has a very prominent raised purple mark between her 2 eyebrows. Right in the centre of her forehead. She has been to a specialist about it and has been told it will either fade and flatten itself. Or it will fade and be left as a baggy piece of skin that can be then removed. Or it won't change and may need laser surgery at some point. I don't see too many kids with the same kind of mark, but when I do, I talk to the mother about it. Tell them about my niece etc.

I do know that some people are just down right rude. But in my life and in the people I meet day to day there are very very few that I would consider to be rude and pass remarkable. The huge majority of people aren't being rude. The ones who are rude are pretty easy to spot and avoid. Or if someone IS being rude I always find having some sort of smart answer ready for them helps. They may or may not pick up on it.. Rude people tend not to be too aware of others!! But it can make you feel better to have fought your corner

farmchoice

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

Oh a PHN told me that my son HAD to wear a vest, and HAD to eat potatoes. He was about 9 months or so at the time, he is almost 7 now and has never worn a vest and rarely eats potatoes.

haha!! what in the name of sweet baby J was your objection to wearing vests, did you just do it to prove the PHN wrong? i'm not being smart but there is something very comical about that post '' i'll show you, he will never wear a vest and he'll eat damn all spuds too''

keep it going see can you get him to 21 vest-less and chip-less. then you can find that PHN and present her with the result of your life's work.

Sweet Rose

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But your child has a mark on her nose! And the day will come when she realises she does. And even though adults might stop commenting on it at that stage, children will start asking her about it. So why not get used to it as part of her? And why see it as a negative? I know its not quite so easy as to say get used to it, but the fact is, it's there. She's going to have to get used to it! And so are you.

My niece has a very prominent raised purple mark between her 2 eyebrows. Right in the centre of her forehead. She has been to a specialist about it and has been told it will either fade and flatten itself. Or it will fade and be left as a baggy piece of skin that can be then removed. Or it won't change and may need laser surgery at some point. I don't see too many kids with the same kind of mark, but when I do, I talk to the mother about it. Tell them about my niece etc.

I do know that some people are just down right rude. But in my life and in the people I meet day to day there are very very few that I would consider to be rude and pass remarkable. The huge majority of people aren't being rude. The ones who are rude are pretty easy to spot and avoid. Or if someone IS being rude I always find having some sort of smart answer ready for them helps. They may or may not pick up on it.. Rude people tend not to be too aware of others!! But it can make you feel better to have fought your corner

I'm not the one who sees it as an negative. I already said that I don't notice it anymore, it's the people who stomp over to you and it's the first thing they point out. It's only covers 1% of her body. Hence, why point it out over anything else.

Now I realise myself that people HATE talking about things that make their child stand out, like your niece's mark so I would never point it out. My whole point is focus on the nice things, rather than the things people are going to get paranoid over.

Mink

My son is 2yr & 2mths and I still get "advice".

I've learnt to tune into stuff that's actually useful and I find that I react badly to advice about things that I'm already worried about - ie not many words, or doesn't deal with strangers well. I get so worked up in myself if someone even mentions it or points it out. But then a year ago it was something else I was worried about - can't even remember now - maybe teething badly and should I be giving him calpol or "natural remedies".

But I've had to learn that 9 times out of 10 they are just pointing out something as a topic of conversation, sometimes people say stupid stuff out of nervousness (I do this).

It's so tough especially when you've just had the baby, all I can say is just take stuff with a pinch of salt, learn to nod & smile and change the subject.

My bro-in-law says the other day about my son (who had just woken from a nap and hadn't seen him in a few months) "Ah we have to toughen you up and get you out of this cliny/whingey phase".

I'd love to hear his theories on how one toughens up a 2yr old, I never asked him at the time as I was seething with rage, I'm going to go call him now and find out, I'm so excited! :rolleyes:

ariana`

Mink wrote: »

But I've had to learn that 9 times out of 10 they are just pointing out something as a topic of conversation, sometimes people say stupid stuff out of nervousness (I do this).

I'm sure i've offended tonnes of people unfortunately but sometimes it's just making conversation/small talk. Obviously chats with close friends are different but meeting other mums at play groups, supermarkets, creche gates and so on, it's just chit chat and it seems a lot of the time you can't win, new mums are so vulnerable and sensitive with all the hormones and huge life changes going on. I definitely have taken offence in the past, irrationally so, there was a time if anyone gave me advice at all all i heard was "you're a crap mum". Thankfully i'm over that and can just chat back and take/leave any advice/commentary on my kiddies

Sligo1

Tbh I wouldn't term it as rude as such... Just extremely ignorant. They probably have no idea they are doing it and defo not doing it intentionally. But I would find this quite ignorant and pretty brainless....

Sligo1

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But your child has a mark on her nose! And the day will come when she realises she does. And even though adults might stop commenting on it at that stage, children will start asking her about it. So why not get used to it as part of her? And why see it as a negative? I know its not quite so easy as to say get used to it, but the fact is, it's there. She's going to have to get used to it! And so are you.

My niece has a very prominent raised purple mark between her 2 eyebrows. Right in the centre of her forehead. She has been to a specialist about it and has been told it will either fade and flatten itself. Or it will fade and be left as a baggy piece of skin that can be then removed. Or it won't change and may need laser surgery at some point. I don't see too many kids with the same kind of mark, but when I do, I talk to the mother about it. Tell them about my niece etc.

I do know that some people are just down right rude. But in my life and in the people I meet day to day there are very very few that I would consider to be rude and pass remarkable. The huge majority of people aren't being rude. The ones who are rude are pretty easy to spot and avoid. Or if someone IS being rude I always find having some sort of smart answer ready for them helps. They may or may not pick up on it.. Rude people tend not to be too aware of others!! But it can make you feel better to have fought your corner

Tbh I wouldn't term it as rude as such... Just extremely ignorant. They probably have no idea they are doing it and defo not doing it intentionally. But I would find this quite ignorant and pretty brainless....

Chocolate fiend

farmchoice wrote: »

haha!! what in the name of sweet baby J was your objection to wearing vests, did you just do it to prove the PHN wrong? i'm not being smart but there is something very comical about that post '' i'll show you, he will never wear a vest and he'll eat damn all spuds too''

keep it going see can you get him to 21 vest-less and chip-less. then you can find that PHN and present her with the result of your life's work.

What? My son is warm blooded, very warm, he has never needed a vest. He doesn't not wear one to prove a point, he just doesn't need one. As for potatoes he doesn't like them, his choice.