Men Who Use Women As Safety Nets

Pug160

This is something I always knew happened, but I've been hearing a lot more about it recently. I'm referring to men who lead women on and make them believe they're in fully committed, monogamous relationships, when in fact the women involved are just 'safety nets' being used for companionship and sex etc, until the man finds someone he truly wants. I think it's worth starting a thread about this to hear opinions as many of us (myself included) sometimes believe that men are at a bit of a disadvantage when it comes to sex and love, and that's highlighted by the current threads and replies to them. But this particular issue doesn't appear to affect men as much. This is something I was talking about with a friend last night over a few pints.

I'd much rather be unsuccessful with women than be used in such an intimate way. Some of these men are over 30 as well, so it's not like they're very young guys out playing the field - they are mature enough to know better. It really puts things into perspective when you think about this kind of stuff. I'd be particularly interested in hearing what some of the ''women have it much easier than men'' brigade have to say about this, but all replies are welcome.

Shakespeare's Sister

Be best not to make this gender specific as women can do that too.

Pug160

Shakespeare's Sister wrote: »

Be best not to make this gender specific as women can do that too.

I don't believe they do actually. I think some women 'settle' the same way men do, certainly. But this particular issue is more gender specific in my opinion. It's only men I ever hear about doing this. Sure, maybe women are perhaps more discrete, but I honestly don't think they do this as much, and stating so is probably beneficial for the sake of balance in these discussions.

Chance The Fapper

I've been guilty of this in the past. I always told the girls that I want looking for anything serious at the start, but that was probably for my own conscience more than anything, they still took it for granted that we were monogamous. Unless you explicitly state at the start that you're still open to seeing other people, you're being deceitful. I regret not being more up front, I ended up hurting them through my selfishness.

Knex*

Shakespeare's Sister wrote: »

Be best not to make this gender specific as women can do that too.

Absolutely. Can think of just as many people on either side of the gender fence who do this.

Its not something that I've ever considered doing really. Probably not solely from a moralistic standpoint either, thinking about it, just more that I value my time and don't see the point in putting in an relationship type effort for someone who you don't fully see as being worth the actually relationship.

I could probably explain it better, but that's the gist of it!

gagomes

Pug160 wrote: »

It's only men I ever hear about doing this.

No offence, but you're just a sample of 1

On the other hand, I (being male) have been victim of this exactly from my first girlfriend, thankfully it didn't last too long (2.5 years ish)

Knex*

gagomes wrote: »

No offence, but you're just a sample of 1

On the other hand, I (being male) have been victim of this exactly from my first girlfriend, thankfully it didn't last too long (2.5 years ish)

Rough going, sorry to here it man. Two and a half years is a long enough time, so can imagine that was a kick in the teeth.

At least it was the first one, so lessons learned and all that, I suppose.

Pug160

Are you guys really comparing like with like though? If so, I'll admit that I may need to reconsider this, but I genuinely thought many more men did this than women. Now I'm specifically talking about using the person as a safety net in every way - not just settling for something while still remaining monogamous. It makes sense than men would do this more as there isn't quite the same emotional make up there - so I'd have thought it would be very uncommon with women. Women also tend to be a bit more level headed and can generally go long periods without intimacy until they find a suitable mate, whereas men find this much more difficult. Being used in any kind of way would be quite harsh though, even if you weren't being cheated on - I'll acknowledge that. But as I said, are we comparing like with like here?

LegacyUser

From my own personal experience (about a year) and from one of my best friends experiences (at least 3 years) I can confirm Women do this too. However, it does seem to be the whole resources thing rather than just sex and companionship. I was young and innocent and only really realized how much I was being used when one day three or four things happened in the space of a few hours. It opened my eyes and I was lucky to get away with my heart and cash somewhat intact.

However, my friend wasn't as lucky. He supported his girlfriend to the extent that he ended up in several thousand pounds in debt. As soon as she reached a certain level of success she just dumped him. I can't even begin to go into the emotional hole she put him in, to the extent that HER parents used to ring him up for quite a while afterwards to see if he was okay.

LegacyUser

Pug160 wrote: »

Are you guys really comparing like with like though? If so, I'll admit that I may need to reconsider this, but I genuinely thought many more men did this than women. Now I'm specifically talking about using the person as a safety net in every way - not just settling for something while still remaining monogamous. It makes sense than men would do this more as there isn't quite the same emotional make up there - so I'd have thought it would be very uncommon with women. Women also tend to be a bit more level headed and can generally go long periods without intimacy until they find a suitable mate, whereas men find this much more difficult. Being used in any kind of way would be quite harsh though, even if you weren't being cheated on - I'll acknowledge that. But as I said, are we comparing like with like here?

I can only say from my own experience that I would think the exact opposite. Especially when it comes to women and intimacy. Most women I know that come out of short to medium term relationships are usually out dating again within a short space of time while the men tend to back off from women to get their heads together.

karaokeman

It is a controversial topic, and one that varies from person to person as everyone has different experiences and I think one's social position is likely to have an impact. There's also a point where people become disillusioned with relationships in general.

Having safety nets could have something to do with testing the waters in other approaches, and taking an alternative to what Hollywood tells us love should be about. That said I'm always honest about my intentions when entering a relationship as are most other males I know.

I knew a guy who was big into having short flings, but he made it quite certain he wasn't looking for a relationship, only looking to have 'fun' so to speak. Though he came out of a bad breakup, and that's likely to have an impact, I've also known girls who have such issues and deal with it the same way. I don't think women willingly hold out intimacy for longer, they desire sex just as much as men, they're just better at hiding it.

I think its just a phase, and at some point (often late 20s, early 30s) when men and women should ideally be trying to get their lives together that they realize adopting safety nets won't get them anywhere in the long run.

gagomes

I can see how certain men do this. I know for sure 1 or 2 male examples, but being victim of it also comes to show there's no level playing field for one gender or the other.

I'll share my story, but I'm not seeking pity - I'm way over it and I guess this strengthened me as a person. I met my first girlfriend online. I'm from Portugal (mainland) and she's from Azores (portuguese island) - she cheated on her husband with a high up in the city hall that was a customer of the company she worked for. He was married also, so she never became more than a bit on the side and long story short, she was caught by her husband, separation ensued and as azores is a relatively small place, the word runs quick, she needed to move away and needed a safety net which is how I fit the picture perfectly (for her). She pretends to fall in love, moves to Portugal where we both lived together for 1.5 years and then we move to Ireland and 6 months later she breaks up with me. Her ex-friend, who I later on dated for a while, told me all about the bits I didn't know and helped putting the puzzle together. Now, after all this, I'm on a 4 year relationship with an irish girl, so believe it or not, I am truly happy that we broke up - I would probably never had experienced what it feels like being loved in return.

Shakespeare's Sister

Can't understand how someone would be able to do it - get intimate with someone they're not that into? Feign love and affection for them?
That seems like utter misery.

jimmycrackcorm

Back in the day, it wasn't referred to as a safety net. but as "Passing Time". Could easily be very costly too having to get engaged more than once until the right woman.

Wompa1

Male who has been on the other side of this before. Just wanted to show people she had a b/f...works both ways

I know plenty of situations where girls keep a guy "on-the-hook" for ages just in case. I used to be a sucker for it but thankfully am able to spot it now.
As for staying with someone and have them think there's something more, nah, not for me. Somewhat analogous to the people who always have someone new lined up before a relationship ends.

Esel

Pug160 wrote: »

... Some of these men are over 30 as well,..

That is sooo wrong, on sooo many levels. Men are divils. :pac:

DoYouEvenLift

Men and women are guilty of this. It's obviously a really hurtful thing to happen as it makes you question yourself a lot more than the person who did it to you but if you manage to look at it critically you'll realise that they actually saved you from continuing on in a relationship with a partner that wasn't truly loyal to you and you'll also be more determined to improve yourself where possible. I won't disclose the genders of examples I've known to have this happen to but I have seen it happen to a lot of people who went on to become way better versions of themselves and overall use experiences like these to their benefit.

Shakespeare's Sister wrote: »

Can't understand how someone would be able to do it - get intimate with someone they're not that into? Feign love and affection for them?
That seems like utter misery.

Could be psychopathic/sociopathic traits contributing to a lot of it. No normal person could mentally be able to cope with the guilt you'd feel looking into a person's eyes that thinks you love them as much as they love you and lying to continue that deceipt. You'd know what you're doing is wrong.

FunLover18

Pug160 wrote: »

Are you guys really comparing like with like though? If so, I'll admit that I may need to reconsider this, but I genuinely thought many more men did this than women. Now I'm specifically talking about using the person as a safety net in every way - not just settling for something while still remaining monogamous. It makes sense than men would do this more as there isn't quite the same emotional make up there - so I'd have thought it would be very uncommon with women. Women also tend to be a bit more level headed and can generally go long periods without intimacy until they find a suitable mate, whereas men find this much more difficult. Being used in any kind of way would be quite harsh though, even if you weren't being cheated on - I'll acknowledge that. But as I said, are we comparing like with like here?

Isn't it also true though that for women in general (certainly based on those I know) being in a relationship is more important to women and therefore they can be just as likely to do this but for different reasons. For example;

Wompa1 wrote: »

Male who has been on the other side of this before. Just wanted to show people she had a b/f...works both ways

Brussels Sprout

Did this with my first girlfriend. It didn't end well as a result and I vowed never to do it again which has led to long periods of being single at times.

tomthetank

Isn't it kinda those people who can't NOT be in a relationship or find it hard to be single? Some people will go to great lengths to make sure they don't have to deal with being on their own for too long, including stringing along the wrong person. Id associate that kind of behaviour with poor self esteem.

And as for "pretending" to love someone ... The ego boost that comes with attention and affection and being so loved is probably what's drivibg that. Easier to bask in that than to face up an empty bed and no one to call/text/make plans with if you're low in self worth

Pug160

Were the women at least faithful to you guys? What shocks me is how shameless some men are - they go out looking for other women without a care in the world and have no noticeable signs of guilt. I think if the other person was faithful it might at least provide some sort of comfort at the end of it all. Being used in any kind of way would be soul destroying - there's no denying that.

ToxicPaddy

Pug160 wrote: »

Were the women at least faithful to you guys? What shocks me is how shameless some men are - they go out looking for other women without a care in the world and have no noticeable signs of guilt. I think if the other person was faithful it might at least provide some sort of comfort at the end of it all. Being used in any kind of way would be soul destroying - there's no denying that.

Not all, I have personal experience of this.

The girl in question lied, cheated constantly, would look me straight in the eye, tell me she loved me and then go off and sleep with another guy an hour later.

She did it to a string of guys after me and ended up trapping some guy who had a nice few quid by getting pregnant and he's now stuck in a situation paying a big chunk of her mortgage and she's living the good life off his misfortune.

A very nasty piece of work.