Feeling let down

LegacyUser

Hi
Going anonymous for this one. I m feeling very let down at the moment. My whole life I have put other before me. Im in my mid thirties now and started counselling two years ago. Gradually since I started counselling I have lost most of my friends (bar one or two real friends). The reason I feel I lost this friends, is because I started to stand up for myself and began to see that the way I was been treated was not fair. For example I would constantly be asked to do errands etc but one day I needed an emergency trip to the hospital and was told "no the traffic is too busy". Basically these kind of things etc.
This has resulted in me having few friends now and I wont back down and have suffered bullying from the previous friends who I don't speak to now trying to manipulate me into thinking its all my fault.
Kinda ironic that counselling has left me with no friends?
Anyway this week I have been really ill and have been laid up. One friends who I always help out with etc contacted me to call to her house. I told her I m really sick at the moment and could she come visit. She did nt .
I sent her a message saying I thought you were calling today and she replied that she was busy. I am not angry but just wondering am I overreacting in being upset that she could not come visit. I have always been there for her and helped her anytime I could. I just feel like no one cares. The other friends that I am not speaking to wouldn't have came to visit me anyway even If I was speaking with them so there not much of a loss to me anyway . Just feeling low and used.. am I overreacting?

LegacyUser

Nooneeveerthereforme! wrote: »

Hi
Going anonymous for this one. I m feeling very let down at the moment. My whole life I have put other before me. Im in my mid thirties now and started counselling two years ago. Gradually since I started counselling I have lost most of my friends (bar one or two real friends). The reason I feel I lost this friends, is because I started to stand up for myself and began to see that the way I was been treated was not fair. For example I would constantly be asked to do errands etc but one day I needed an emergency trip to the hospital and was told "no the traffic is too busy". Basically these kind of things etc.
This has resulted in me having few friends now and I wont back down and have suffered bullying from the previous friends who I don't speak to now trying to manipulate me into thinking its all my fault.
Kinda ironic that counselling has left me with no friends?
Anyway this week I have been really ill and have been laid up. One friends who I always help out with etc contacted me to call to her house. I told her I m really sick at the moment and could she come visit. She did nt .
I sent her a message saying I thought you were calling today and she replied that she was busy. I am not angry but just wondering am I overreacting in being upset that she could not come visit. I have always been there for her and helped her anytime I could. I just feel like no one cares. The other friends that I am not speaking to wouldn't have came to visit me anyway even If I was speaking with them so there not much of a loss to me anyway . Just feeling low and used.. am I overreacting?

Apologies for the bad spelling. I cant type properly at the moment due to being ill

dellas1979

Hi OP,

Awh sorry to hear you are unwell and hope you feel better soon.

Am actually happy to read your post. You are becoming a fresh you in your 30s.

You see, when you are Yes person all your life, and everyone expects a yes, when you say No, its like a shock to people. They dont know what to do, so they will fall out with you because you say no. The bottom (and unfortunately) line is that you no longer become useful to them any more. You cant do anything about their feelings towards you for saying No. Thats a hard part to get over. But through practice, youll learn to realise its not your problem, and let go (and become quicker at it). You are useful to yourself. And what you want does matter.

The other side is that in making yourself that efficient to being available to others and helping them, what about yourself? You forget about number 1, you.

I know its hard(er) in your 30s to make new friends, ones who you feel will value you. But Ive found putting myself out there to make friends is a lot easier, because I a) I know who I am, b) I know what type of people I like, and c) I no longer give a rats tahini what people think of me if I dont get on with them. Its very liberating! And it sounds like you are well on that road to the liberation

Ill give you a little example of something that happened today. People and their own importance. A friend of mine (who I do know is a nice person) is home for a little visit. They texted me to let me know they were home. "Thats great and hope you enjoy being home" says I. The next text was "I suppose Ill be too busy to meet you". Made me chuckle and I thought "flamin ejit" (in a light hearted way). And I just let it go/didnt respond/I havent put any importance on it. Im sure if they want to meet and Im free, it'll happen. But, thats just people for you!

LegacyUser

Op I could have written your post myself. Exactly the same thing has happened to me!

I started counselling a couple of years ago because of a few traumatic things happening in my life and just like you the process has changed me and made me stronger but in that process I have lost a lot of the people I called friends along the way.

I too was a people pleaser, I prided myself on being a good friend always there when needed and went really overboard helping people. Being needed by people fed me and made me feel wanted. I thought that if I helped people that they would also be there for me. How wrong I was. In my rush to help people I often put my own needs aside and completely lost myself on one occasion I'd had just had my dog put down that morning after having him 12 years and a friend was also ill that day and had to go to the hospital. When she rang me I had just left the vets and went straight to her side. Her parents were there with her but she wanted me as we were best friends. I didn't even let my dogs death sink in as I sat like a zombie for hours in the hospital, truth was I didn't need to be there but I put her first. Turns out months after that particular friend accused me of being a crap friend and never there for her. I didn't even point out the many many times I helped her in one way or another or the many many times she let me down! Suffice to say we aren't really friends anymore as she met a shiny new man and has moved on with her life.

Through counselling I've come to realise that I have taught the people around me how to treat me over all these years and that I am the common denominator here. Not only did I lend an ear for all my friends problems,I also gave lifts, lent money, took days off work to help them with written projects for college etc I really really was a door mat.

Ive now learned that being so nice to people and being so available doesn't make people like you any more it just makes them rely on you. Just like you when I started saying no and changing toward people they started dropping off one by one.It didn't matter that I was going through hell in my personal life, they had no further use for me so they moved on.

You've started out on a difficult journey by going to counselling, don't give up on it. Eventually you will find new friends that are worthwhile and who will appreciate you for who you are. Don't fall into the same old habits with new friends if it doesn't suit you to do something or go somewhere just say so, you don't even have to give an excuse. Always put your own needs first and people will respect you for it. Im only part of the way there myself but as the poster above says its a very liberating feeling !

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Hi OP,

Awh sorry to hear you are unwell and hope you feel better soon.

Am actually happy to read your post. You are becoming a fresh you in your 30s.

You see, when you are Yes person all your life, and everyone expects a yes, when you say No, its like a shock to people. They dont know what to do, so they will fall out with you because you say no. The bottom (and unfortunately) line is that you no longer become useful to them any more. You cant do anything about their feelings towards you for saying No. Thats a hard part to get over. But through practice, youll learn to realise its not your problem, and let go (and become quicker at it). You are useful to yourself. And what you want does matter.

The other side is that in making yourself that efficient to being available to others and helping them, what about yourself? You forget about number 1, you.

I know its hard(er) in your 30s to make new friends, ones who you feel will value you. But Ive found putting myself out there to make friends is a lot easier, because I a) I know who I am, b) I know what type of people I like, and c) I no longer give a rats tahini what people think of me if I dont get on with them. Its very liberating! And it sounds like you are well on that road to the liberation

Ill give you a little example of something that happened today. People and their own importance. A friend of mine (who I do know is a nice person) is home for a little visit. They texted me to let me know they were home. "Thats great and hope you enjoy being home" says I. The next text was "I suppose Ill be too busy to meet you". Made me chuckle and I thought "flamin ejit" (in a light hearted way). And I just let it go/didnt respond/I havent put any importance on it. Im sure if they want to meet and Im free, it'll happen. But, thats just people for you!

Thanks for your reply. Since I ve stopped running around people that don't care I ve taken up new interests and start finding joy in simple things like going for a walk in a nice place etc. Its just that I like helping people when I can. I hate to think of anyone suffering and feeling alone so I go out of my way to prevent people feeling like that. It just hurts that no one cares when I feel like that. My old friends who I have fallen out with (I actually didn't want to fall out with them , while standing up for myself they wouldn't allow it and basically said its there way or the high way) said ill regret it in months or years to come. Funny thing is if we were friend s now I d feel worse because I know they wouldn't have helped me this week either.
This one person that I did ask to visit me , I don't know how to deal with this. Do I carry on being friends and be there for them when they need me and not expect anything in return? Do I tell her im upset or just forget it and "cool down" contact. I m not good at being assertive or standing up for myself.

LegacyUser

iknowhowyoufeel wrote: »

Op I could have written your post myself. Exactly the same thing has happened to me!

I started counselling a couple of years ago because of a few traumatic things happening in my life and just like you the process has changed me and made me stronger but in that process I have lost a lot of the people I called friends along the way.

I too was a people pleaser, I prided myself on being a good friend always there when needed and went really overboard helping people. Being needed by people fed me and made me feel wanted. I thought that if I helped people that they would also be there for me. How wrong I was. In my rush to help people I often put my own needs aside and completely lost myself on one occasion I'd had just had my dog put down that morning after having him 12 years and a friend was also ill that day and had to go to the hospital. When she rang me I had just left the vets and went straight to her side. Her parents were there with her but she wanted me as we were best friends. I didn't even let my dogs death sink in as I sat like a zombie for hours in the hospital, truth was I didn't need to be there but I put her first. Turns out months after that particular friend accused me of being a crap friend and never there for her. I didn't even point out the many many times I helped her in one way or another or the many many times she let me down! Suffice to say we aren't really friends anymore as she met a shiny new man and has moved on with her life.

Through counselling I've come to realise that I have taught the people around me how to treat me over all these years and that I am the common denominator here. Not only did I lend an ear for all my friends problems,I also gave lifts, lent money, took days off work to help them with written projects for college etc I really really was a door mat.

Ive now learned that being so nice to people and being so available doesn't make people like you any more it just makes them rely on you. Just like you when I started saying no and changing toward people they started dropping off one by one.It didn't matter that I was going through hell in my personal life, they had no further use for me so they moved on.

You've started out on a difficult journey by going to counselling, don't give up on it. Eventually you will find new friends that are worthwhile and who will appreciate you for who you are. Don't fall into the same old habits with new friends if it doesn't suit you to do something or go somewhere just say so, you don't even have to give an excuse. Always put your own needs first and people will respect you for it. Im only part of the way there myself but as the poster above says its a very liberating feeling !

Thanks for your reply. ! its nice to hear that someone else understands. Its just I don't mind helping people but it never works both ways . I could write a book on the stupid things that happened to me that I put up with. One friend pushed me when she was drunk and when I gave out to her she said it was my own fault I was annoying her.

This is the kinda crap I ve been putting up with all my life and I know that I m attracted to these kind of people because I have low self esteem and no confidence.
I am happy at the moment apart from this issue I don't know whether to confront this person who did that this week or just back off and let it go?

Rubberchikken

Sorry to read you're feeling unwell.
Don't let your friend's unwillingness to call get to you.
She may have not wanted to catch any bugs or might even have been busy. Let it go until you feel better.

It's great that you did counselling and have started to feel strong enough to say no at times.

Continue being a good and helpful person. And continue being a strong person too.

dellas1979

Nooneeverthereforme! wrote: »

I hate to think of anyone suffering and feeling alone so I go out of my way to prevent people feeling like that.

Can I just ask you, have you brought this up in your sessions? Like, have you tried to figure out where this is coming from (that youd choose to help someone else over yourself). It is coming from some where.

I think it would really benefit you to bring it up (if your councellor hasnt already tried).

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Can I just ask you, have you brought this up in your sessions? Like, have you tried to figure out where this is coming from (that youd choose to help someone else over yourself). It is coming from some where.

I think it would really benefit you to bring it up (if your councellor hasnt already tried).

it comes from a dysfunctional upbringing. I just thought that what friends do . It s just always so one sided. I must bring it up again. I m lucky I have a few good people who I don't see a lot and a good partner who is always there for me. I just feel used a lot of the time! People only want me at the last minute when they need something etc .. I could go on and on ..........

Lalealynn

Well done to you for seeing through manipulative people.

Rubberchikken

if you've always the one that's there for people when they need something, it's natural that they get a bit testy when you finally are able to say no when it suits you.

i don't think it's a bad thing to be willing to help others, but when it happens all the time and there's no sign of help back when you need it, that can p*ss a person off alright.

try not to feel bad in yourself. your help has probably always come from being well-meaning. others may have become too dependent on that.
well done for trying to break that cycle,

LegacyUser

I know how you feel about losing 'friends'. I realized my pals were making me feel bad about myself constantly and I wasn't going to be their punching bag anymore. Cutting all ties was the right thing to do.

In this case if she had wanted to make time she could have made the time to come and see you. The fact is she wanted you to come to her house for her convenience.

Having said that I know you are hypersensitive to this sort of behaviour now that you have identified it but if it's only a couple of times and if the friendship far out strips the negatives then I would give this person another chance. None of us are perfect but it's good that you know what you want from a friendship now and you'll be able to identify worthwhile people when you meet them.

LegacyUser

Thannks for all the replies. I really appreciate them. Sometimes when I feel lonely I wonder if I made a mistake cutting contact with people and then I think of all the bad things and know that I am better off now. I have joined some groups and haven't really made new friends but have met some nice people. Most people already have their circle of friends by now so it feels like I am starting off again like a teenager. I ll keep going sure and hopefully things will come good. xxx

dellas1979

Nooneeverthereforme! wrote: »

Most people already have their circle of friends by now so it feels like I am starting off again like a teenager. I ll keep going sure and hopefully things will come good. xxx

If you keep the same (old) friends with the same bad habits towards you, and now its changing, of course its going to ruffle feathers. You are after changing the rules. So, either they adapt, or they dont. It might take time to adjust to the new more assertive you. The greatest thing with change is to have patience (especially with yourself).

Right now, you are looking at it from a different side of the circle. And I think that that will change. Yes, it can be hard(er), but its also exciting!

You can be who you are/who you want to be. You can be who you want to be. You can create new boundaries (with the new you) with new people/friends. Its an opportunity! Not a sentence.