Sharing house and relationship

Mc Kenzie

Hi everyone,

This is a quite personal and sensitive issue I have so please of you answering just to respect that.

Me and my boyfriend share accommodation with 2boys one girl. It changes from quite often as people come and go. Ideally I would love to find a place of our own as its so expensive and we are both studying and working. Im paying quite alot for part time study. its not a good situation but its ok for now.

We have only lived together a year with a LDR before hand.

I have become aware of my own feelings of insecurities if he is chatting to the other girl in the house. And of course this is totally my problem which im going to find help with and get to the route off.

The thing is its not that I dont want him to be friends with other girls as he has two very good female friends, one single the other in a relationship, that he will meet up with or go out with, call and chat with from time to time, all without me and that is really fine, it honestly doesnt bother me they are nice girls.

The girl in the house is nice. She has not been in the house too long, afew months. I dont feel threatened by her at all and i trust my boyfriend.

The last week we had both been busy. Sometimes i came home and he was going or if not asleep.So are routines differed so we had not chatted much at home and we had arranged previously to spend some time together and go out for dinner. which i kept (saying i cant wait for all weeek,to him) this weekend to celebrate 3years in total our relationship.

The Sat morning he was up before me and when i came down they were at the table chatting having breakfast. I carried on anyway and joined in on the conversation. Something came up i didnt agree with and my bf got annoyed and said i was no part of the conversation anyway. So then i went off in abit of a huff and they carried on.

I did share with a couple myself when i was single and I was friendly towards them both, but i was always careful not to try and be to friendly with the guy incase the it would make the other uncomfortable. But thats just me.

My bf and my housemate werent doing any harm but i just felt that day I wanted to spend time with him at home and have breakfast with rather then someone else always being in the middle.

I know i have to understand my own problems around this, but i was wandering if any other girls would either feel the same or perhaps not in this situation.

indigo twist

Sounds like he meant it in a jokey way .... I feel sorry for the girl who was having an innocent conversation with her housemate, for you to interrupt and then go off in a huff over what was probably a jokey comment ... talk about making things uncomfortable!

MagicMarker

I don't think the OP interrupted anything. They're sitting at the kitchen table in a house share FFS, the conversation is open to all.

The bf was just being a díck.

Meauldsegosha

Mc Kenzie wrote: »

My bf and my housemate werent doing any harm but i just felt that day I wanted to spend time with him at home and have breakfast with rather then someone else always being in the middle.

Do you think your housemate should have left you and your boyfriend alone in the kitchen?

Mc Kenzie

No i dont think that, its not her fault she has to do her things or whatever aswell.

It was are anniversary I wanted to catch up with him as i explained earlier a hadnt spent much time to talk him. Its just the situation as a whole its not her fault. maybe she is trying to be friends with him which I wouldnt mind if this was at his work or college but i guess at home i feel that maybe this is the time we spend together which is not much really and i get annoyed that this is divided and i guess this is the issue I have

CaraMay

But that's his fault not hers?

freshpopcorn

Your boyfriend might have meant it in a joking sort of way.
Going by your previous threads on here. I'd recommend talking to a professional about issues. It could benefit you a lot.

Mc Kenzie

I actually am in the process of seeing a counselor. However im asking advise regarding this situation, not on other threads i have posted here in the past.

Also it was not a joke as he came to me afterwards and was really annoyed with me.

Addle

Mc Kenzie wrote: »

I did share with a couple myself when i was single and I was friendly towards them both, but i was always careful not to try and be to friendly with the guy incase the it would make the other uncomfortable. But thats just me.
.

Not everybody wants to sleep with you and your boyfriend.
I think you're the only one making things awkward.

Tasden

Mc Kenzie wrote: »

I actually am in the process of seeing a counselor. However im asking advise regarding this situation, not on other threads i have posted here in the past.

Also it was not a joke as he came to me afterwards and was really annoyed with me.

But your issue then is with your boyfriend not the girl.

You were not part of the conversation, you came in and gave your say on the topic, then he was a bit of a dick to you from what you say, and then you think there is an issue with the fact he is living with this girl? I'm sure if you had been in the kitchen when he woke he would've had breakfast and a chat with you instead. She's his housemate, he wasn't doing anything wrong apart from perhaps being rude to you when you butt in to the conversation but if you worked your way into the conversation in order to disagree then maybe he felt you were being rude seeing as your opinion wasn't necessarily asked for so maybe he felt you were being a bit abrasive, which wouldn't be surprising if you have these negative feelings surrounding the arrangement.

MagicMarker

How did the OP "butt" into the conversation? If I walk into the kitchen and find my housemates talking, am i supposed to wait for a special invitation before I can say something?

People are being needlessly harsh on the op regarding this.

Tasden

MagicMarker wrote: »

How did the OP "butt" into the conversation? If I walk into the kitchen and find my housemates talking, am i supposed to wait for a special invitation before I can say something?

People are being needlessly harsh on the op regarding this.

Nah but if its a conversation between two people and then someone just enters the room and gives a negative opinion on the topic it can be seen as rude and a bit unwarranted when they weren't even part of the conversation initially. You're right, "butt in" is prob too harsh of a word but there's no other way to phrase it, and if the boyfriend passed comment on her not being part of the conversation and then again coming in to the op and getting annoyed it does seem like it may have been more than just joining in a conversation, although there's no way for us to know either way, he could just have been a dick.

MagicMarker

Tasden wrote: »

Nah but if its a conversation between two people and then someone just enters the room and gives a negative opinion on the topic it can be seen as rude and a bit unwarranted when they weren't even part of the conversation initially. You're right, "butt in" is prob too harsh of a word but there's no other way to phrase it, and if the boyfriend passed comment on her not being part of the conversation and then again coming in to the op and getting annoyed it does seem like it may have been more than just joining in a conversation, although there's no way for us to know either way, he could just have been a dick.

Or maybe the BF was just being an arsehole?

Sorry but I don't equate an opposing view point with being negative, rude or unwarranted. Is the OP only allowed join in a conversation when she agrees with everyone else involved? If her BF didn't like the fact that she disagreed with him then that's his problem, he shouldn't be getting snotty about it. I've never spoken like that to a housemate, let alone my girlfriend.

m'lady

OP be very honest with yourself here, were you simply just p***ed off that he wasn't giving you the attention/having a conversation with you and maybe when you disagreed with him your attitude made your annoyance pretty clear? We can all feel 'neglected' at times and maybe this is how you felt? That's normal but airing your grievance in front of others isn't fair.

Either way your housemate did nothing wrong, you both put her in an awkward position and that's extremely unfair and unwarranted in my opinion.

cactusgal

Op, I know rent is expensive, but I'd honestly be trying very hard to get a place where it's just the two of you. I get the impression that it was a long-distance relationship between two people from different countries that went straight to living together with a rake of other people. That's a recipe for disaster, IMO. Make some changes/compromises and get your own place.

Mind yourself x

Tasden

MagicMarker wrote: »

Or maybe the BF was just being an arsehole?

Sorry but I don't equate an opposing view point with being negative, rude or unwarranted. Is the OP only allowed join in a conversation when she agrees with everyone else involved? If her BF didn't like the fact that she disagreed with him then that's his problem, he shouldn't be getting snotty about it. I've never spoken like that to a housemate, let alone my girlfriend.

Last sentence of my post.

rcarroll

OP, your problem seems to be that you came down hoping to have a romantic day alone with your boyfriend, have breakfast alone together and you were annoyed that instead he was talking to a housemate, being a female housemate made it worse in your eyes.....sorry, but flatsharing as a couple with other people is often a disaster for everyone involved because of situations like that - you don't get and are not entitled to have your bf/house to yourselves just cos ye are a couple, if you want that level of privacy then you need to rent just you and your bf.

situations like what happened make it awkward for everyone involved as it's quite obvious to the other girl now, that you wanted him to yourself, and were annoyed at her presence. Which is not at all her fault or problem and is out of line. Sounds like it's not working out sharing with people as you feel you are competing for his attention. So, work out maybe a date night just you and your boyfriend go to dinner or see a movie outside, or move out

Mc Kenzie

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I do agree with some of your points made but not all.

we had planned to go out that day for dinner and drinks which we did.
Yes i think I problem felt left out and i know its difficult in a house share.

As far as "butting" in i was not as my bf had just before asked me about something and i replied, and i just listened to the rest untill what they spoke about the price of a dangerous drug in which I totally disagree with them. I was not saying anything untill it came to something like that. I said how on earth did he know the price and its stupid to be claiming you know the cost. So thats what set me off. maybe it came across abit harsh. then he said but out or whatever and i went off rather then letting my temper get the better of me.

I most certainly did not air, or say in front of a housemate that I was annoyed about the situation so if im annoyed ill go out off the room. But in my own home im not going hide my feelings, or pretend all is ok if its not ,as if I cant be myself at home where can i be.

So thats what happened.

Typer Monkey

I'm not surprised he snapped at you to be honest. You pretty much belittled him and said he was spoofing in front of your housemate. I would've told you to butt out too.

I'd imagine you probably came down the stairs in a mood and were mean to him as a result. The reason why you did that is up to you to figure out really.

Big Bag of Chips

You had arranged to have dinner together that evening. In your head you has also planned a lovely breakfast together too.. But he didn't know that or your housemate didn't know that.

I know it is your home.. But you also share it with 3 others. And yes, you should be comfortable in your own home, but so should everyone else. You can't say you wouldn't mind your housemate making friends with him if it was in a workmate scenario, but in your house you'd like alone time with him. That's not really possible when living in a shared space, unless you two just stick to your room.

The girl did nothing wrong. Your problem was that your bf didn't know you also expected a nice breakfast with him that morning. And by the two of you having your little spat in front of your housemate you just made it really uncomfortable. You were already annoyed to find the two of them in the kitchen on your anniversary. And then that led to you being annoyed at him during the conversation.

Look, we all have our moments, or have bad days. But if you house share it is nice to try get along with your housemates. If you want your boyfriend to yourself then I'm afraid you need to find a way to move into somewhere, just the two of you.

Stavro Mueller

Without being in the room with you all, it's hard to judge what really happened. I wonder, for example, what your demeanour was. Was your manner a bit off? Has there been an undercurrent of tension between you because you don't like your boyfriend being friendly with the girl(s) in the house? How exactly did you speak to your boyfriend when you were pulling him up on the error he was making? On the other hand, your boyfriend's reaction was a bit harsh. It's all to do with context though.

This is exactly why a lot of people dread sharing houses with couples. I feel sorry for your housemate. On the face of it, it's a silly spat about very little really. Yet it has turned into a row and put your unfortunate housemate into an awkward situation. If you really can't move, then you're going to have to accept lack of privacy in the house as a payoff for the cheap rent .

Semele

OP, as far as I remember this is your second thread relating to house share issues and you just seem really unsuited to it. The specifics of this thread are different but in the last one as well the only advice anyone could meaningfully give was that you can't expect a house share lifestyle to revolve around what you and your boyfriend want as a couple.

I've shared with couples before and I'd never do it again. I've never known it managed where the dynamic didn't shift to it being their household that everyone else is on the edges of and barely tolerated. Seriously just move out if it causes you that much stress.

CdeC

Your boyfriend should not have said that. Of course you can give your opinion on a conversation in room in a house you live in.

You can't expect to be given alone time in a shared house as a couple. Get your own place if that's what you want.

Idle Passerby

Since you don't have the luxury of being able to afford a place to yourselves you have no right to expect to be given special treatment just because you're part of a couple.

Your relationship status should be irrelevant when it comes to shared areas. You cant expect communal areas to be vacated because you want to be alone with your boyfriend.

It sounds like your boyfriend snapped at you out of annoyance. My guess would be he doesn't like you being so possessive and clingy around the other housemates. It sounds a bit like you're trying to mark your territory (so to speak) with the other girl. If its coming across that way in real life, it's embarrassing.

You're expecting too much if you are looking for a cosy romantic living situation in a shared house.

Magicmatilda

If there is an open conversation going and my partner spoke to me like that in front of others I would be pretty pissed off. Regardless of where the copnversation takes place. In fact I can't imagine a situation where when talking to two people if one of them corrected me in a statement of fact i would tell them to butt out as they ae not part of the conversation. I just don't think I would speak to someone like that.